Oddly Prepared

Last night I was all alone on the hotline.

No one else there.

That's rare these days but in my early hotline months was common.

I enjoy being all alone on the hotline, especially on the overnight, because it's a specific kind of peaceful and safe solitude. I can't really explain it. Some of the other volunteers feel it too and also like it.

There is just something about being at the hotline alone that is very comforting.

Anyhow, it was nice last night because I needed that peace, it gave me a rest from thinking about Daya.

Also I did have a very serious call, the kind the hotline exists for, and I was able to help them and because of it, they didn't do what they were going to do.  At least not last night. (hopefully)

And knowing I made a difference between someone's life and death- however momentary- helps me to not feel like a complete failure.

I anticipated maybe being alone on the hotline, so I brought my new Sennelier pastels and the cigar box setup Sid made for me years ago. I did a little sketching, then decided to read.

There have been a couple of minor physical changes at the hotline, a place that never changes, and one of them involves re-used plexiglass.

It's an interim solution, probably?? (hopefully??)

Well anyhow the interim plexiglass had brown tape residue on the back, which was bothering me.  

A lot. It looked messy and contributed to a lack of visual clarity.

And as it turns out, because I had my cigar box with me, I also had my razor scraper, because it lives in there. So I cleaned the plexiglass and thought, wow that's really crazy that I had a razor scraper with me and specifically needed it!

*******

Today I am going to the movies with Sharon, then dinner at her place, and then I really just want the day to be over. Daya has left me with logistical questions now, but I have decided to not do anything and leave it alone until the new year, not make any decisions until then. I need to get through the last days of 2025 and everything is too much right now. It hangs over me, but I'm on pause.

Painting Plans Squelched

Here it is, Wednesday morning, and I haven't left my apartment at all since I got home Sunday night.

As of today I'm off work until Monday and thought it might be a good idea for me to.... leave my apartment.....

So I was going to go to BBG again to paint but the wind is gusting at 34mph so that's out.

Well, I'm on the hotline tonight so I'll have to go out later anyhow.

It's ok, I'm still processing Daya's note.

It was extra-shitty for her to drop that on me for the holidays.

It doesn't make any damn sense but when she's in a bad mental spiral, she's irrational.

I'm angry, very sad, I feel betrayed and used, and at risk of sounding like a little kid, it really just isn't fair. At all.

I have voices in my head saying "I'm the common denominator" in all these lost relationships- mother, sister, father, daughter..... losing all these relationships is significant.  On some deep level I think it is somehow my fault, I have internalized it as something wrong with me. 

On my logical surface, though, I know that isn't true.

The common denominator isn't me, it's the mental illness.

Look at what they have in common with each other.

All the people mentioned, with the exception of my father who has very severe childhood trauma but isn't mentally ill (I don't think?).... all these relationships are with people who have impossible mental issues. People who have trouble with other people and relationships in general.  Well, I don't know about my sister in present time, but she definitely had problems when I knew her.

I was talking to Sharon about it, and aside from.... well Daya, I don't have trouble with people.

I have friends, amazing friends.

Including several long-term healthy deep friendships with a diverse range of people.

I'm able to connect with people in all the different places I go, I don't have problems there.

I don't think I could have kept my same job for 19 1/2 years if I couldn't get along with others??

That has to say something about me?

Even when looking at these failed core family relationships?

Yes I am trying to convince myself.

I truly don't think I was a bad parent.

I think I did the best anyone could have with a horrible circumstance.

And I got my kid to Juilliard.

My mother really was a horrible parent, it's understandable her 2 children separated from her.

But so did everyone else! Even her sister, who she was always so close with.

No one could have a relationship with her.

But I don't think I was such a bad parent, and perfection is NOT a requirement to being a good parent.

So how did I end up at the same place as my mother??

Isis approves of staying in.

*********

When Grace came to visit last week, she brought a little container of microgreens from Whole Foods.

I don't shop there and have never seen them.... 

Oh my god I need to always put them on everything, they are amazing!

So I said to Grace, let's go find microgreens in my neighborhood!

We went for a long walk and stopped at all the places a person could stop that might have microgreens.

No one has microgreens.

So I ended up just growing them myself.

How convenient I still have my old grow light!

They sprouted today.

...I hope the cats don't eat them.....

Painting Finished, Cheeze Wheel Pasta, and a Note

Painting Finished

Our egg tempera show is in January.

I have been working on a Fillippo Lippi master copy since October.

It's a very difficult painting that has scrambled my head.

But I have learned so much, absorbed so much.

It's not even anything I can put into words, it's more of absorbing an experience, a process, a mindset.

Doug has been wonderfully encouraging.

This afternoon I suddenly hit a Wall.

It was unexpected.

Suddenly, I couldn't see anything else to do on the painting.

This required Doug and his perspective and critique.

He said I probably hit a Wall because it's done.

He pointed out a few VERY subtle tweaky things, which I did.

Karen found one more that is so little and tweaky it probably doesn't even matter but I'm still glad she found it. If this painting passed Doug and Karen, it's good to go.

I'll put it in its own blog post with the progress pictures over this week... I have to do some touch-up on the gold at home. But the painting part is done! phew!

Cheeze Wheel Pasta

After class, I met up with Janae for our annual tradition of Cheeze Wheel Pasta.

The booth is smaller but the pasta is the same.  This is definitely a once-a-year indulgence and it was worth it. I haven't eaten any carbs in 2 days and I got a Carb Coma.  

No regrets.

A Note
Daya stopped home while I was out, and I came home to find a note saying she doesn't want to be in contact for the foreseeable future.

This has hit me completely unexpectedly. A sideways blindside.

She's not doing well with her mental health, I am aware of that.

She is in therapy at school.  In Sept/Oct we were in good communication, she was sharing some very personal stuff with me, reaching out, and I guess she got worse (again) in November.

And now she's removing me.

She says "not forever" but honestly that note has split me into pieces and has deeply hurt me.

It's not the first time she has broken our relationship, only to reconnect and break it again.

It also doesn't make sense why she would even write it, given that she doesn't live with me, I have barely seen her since last June, and we haven't had much contact for the last couple of months.

So I don't know why she just couldn't...do what she needed to do.... without announcing it in such a cutting way.  She did not give a reason other than she needs to work on herself and her healing.

I'm so, so tired of this.

I think Daya has the thing that runs on my family.

She reminds me so much of my mother and my sister. Since late elementary school.

My uncle had something wrong too (I found a letter a few years ago from the 1980s written by his wife BEGGING for help) and I think my cousin had it too.  (She died in her early 20s from drug/alcohol abuse.)

I have lost everyone in my immediate family either due to this mental illness or from the damage it caused to everyone else. I don't stand a chance against it. I don't think I deserve this treatment, and now that Daya is an adult it's different than when I was dealing with her intense hostility when she was a teen. I don't HAVE to do anything for her. And I have helped her a lot since September, she has needed my help and support and she got it.

The Juilliard bill is not paid, I tried since early December to get the actual balance from her and now I don't really see why I should pay it. I can't give her a check anyhow, and I never pay online because the fees are ridiculous. So I chased it, I tried, now I'm stopping.  She can deal with it.

I think Daya does need serious help, I am glad she is in therapy and she should definitely be working on herself and getting stable, but I also disagree with how she's going about it. But if she wants to be disconnected from me, so be it, but I don't have to continue to help and support someone who wants nothing to do with me. It makes me feel used and stepped on. It makes me feel like garbage.

Before she turned 18 I had no choice, now I do.

It hurts, a lot, and I'm deeply sad about it. I wish it was different.

I always wanted a good relationship with her, I thought we were getting there slowly kind-of, but I've been through this enough to know I have to accept it and also protect myself.

I wish things were different, and I wish this kind of stuff wasn't my "normal", but it is and here we are.

Happy fucking holidays.

Winter Colors in Brooklyn

The weather today was chilly and clear so I went out to paint at Brooklyn Botanic.

I found a spot and set up, and right as I was starting a guy with a big telephoto lens camera came over to my spot. He started taking pictures standing right in front of me, right in my painting view. 

It's a public space so I couldn't tell him to go away. 

But I thought he'd have some situational awareness and hurry up.

He did not.

I got REALLY annoyed.

And after 6 minutes I asked him to finish up and move on.

Told him he was standing in my composition.

He has the whole garden, I do not.

He can move around, I cannot.

I do not have all day to stand around, I'm losing light.

Thankfully, he was nice about it, said he understands, and he moved on.

I think it just...... didn't occur to him.

Anyhow here is the painting, all those branches against the sky are a bit tough.

I'm doing some experimenting with layering the paint. Lots to think about.

This is a paint-handling challenge.

I intentionally left out the buildings in the background.

8x10 oil

I am hoping this isn't my last plein air of 2025... I'm hoping to get out one or 2 more times before the new year.

11 days to go!

Choosing to Be Positive

Today I had my surgical procedure to remove the new-old IUD and put another new one in.

There has been so much leading up to this appointment that I had to do with no notice.

It has been so overwhelming and now it is time for me to de-stress and relax.

In addition to the pre-op and cardiologist on Friday, dr wanted to do a full spectrum of cardiac tests.

Nuclear stress test, imaging, the whole bit. I might still be slightly radioactive... I have had a full complete heart checkup now. For the first time in my life!

And yes I now have a low-dose prescription for blood pressure meds, which I am s l o w l y coming to terms with.

I still resent it. 

And I am DEFINITELY over this stupid heart monitor already!

However I have to admit it's nice to not have to worry about my bp.

I have even been on a really low sodium diet for the last three weeks, which is the only other thing I knew I could do for my bp and it made no difference. None.

Because my issue is not lifestyle, it's the effects of trauma on the body.

I have been researching this and it's well-known and documented.

My cardiologist knows about it too, when I mentioned it briefly on Saturday.

We'll talk more about it on my follow up.

Yes I am holding an intense amount of real trauma in my body and despite my wonderful self-care and heart-healthy lifestyle for DECADES, it is what it is. And I do feel it. So I need to come to acceptance that my system needs a little chemical help.  My bp isn't even that high, except at dr offices but it is fluctuating.

So anyhow I didn't have to worry about it today and that honestly was nice.

********

I did all the things I was supposed to do and I went to the surgical suite.

They put me completely under, and it took 15 minutes.

And I asked if they could check the placement by sonogram right then and there.

They did 

AND IT WAS STILL NOT PLACED 

HIGH ENOUGH AND WAS 

ALREADY MOVING DOWN!!! 

After all that and it still wasn't right.

I'm SO glad I had them verify the placement!!

Oh my God!!

So what happened next was they removed the new-new Paragard right in the ultrasound room and put a new-new-new one in again with the ultrasound.  

And it is now placed correctly, they saw the difference.

Multiple people verified it.

Here's the thing about it: it took 5 minutes and even with no pain meds I barely felt anything.  

Seriously. Barely any pain. It was nothing. I definitely didn't need to be asleep.

In all honesty I don't know why they didn't just do this to begin with; it was so easy.

If they had just done this to begin with, using the ultrasound, I wouldn't have had to go through all this crazy medical stuff at all.

I have a follow-up in 6 weeks just to make sure everything is still ok.

*********

There are 2 ways of looking at this: negative and positive.

Be angry, frustrated and annoyed, or realize maybe the universe is trying to tell me something and is helping me in a way that might seem annoying and unhelpful on the surface.

I'm going with the latter.

Maybe it was all about going to the cardiologist, which I never would have done.

I do still think it is maybe better to check an IUD placement by sonogram at the time of insertion, especially if there are some irregular "factors" like I have. But I'm going to be positive about the whole thing, and I am SO relieved it's done and over.  This is the last IUD I will ever need. 

And it did work out. I need my girl-vault locked, no hormones, it's very psychological for me. 

So I hope in 6 weeks all is still well (it should be) and that will be the end of this ordeal.

Also, still, fuck you 2025!

Fuck C-PTSD too!

NYC Snow & Goodbye Hector

We got some gorgeous snow today!

I did not go paint in it, because I had egg tempera class in the morning and Hector's memorial in the late afternoon. Eddie drove a few of us, and the views through Central Park were really pretty. Pictures don't do it justice; it was magical.

I am very sad about Hector, and I spoke a few words in his memory.

It was a small family gathering on Long Island with a TON of food.

Very opposite to David/s memorial, which was held at the poster museum with hundreds of people in attendance and many speakers. (There was also excellent food there but much less of it.)

Hector, I miss you Brother, and you'll always be with me on patrol.

Deep Overwhelm

This past October I had my IUD switched out for the same thing, except not expired.

The IUD has an additional protective factor of a sonogram on the annual visit.

If you don't have problems it's not standard.

My friend just had to have major surgery due to issues that were not known until they got too big and caused problems. Things grow silently and undetected, until it's an issue. 

I also found out some stuff from IUD sonograms but I'm ok, no treatment is needed--- but we know about them and that's important. I would never have known otherwise.

So, it's protective in that way.

The way my gyn does insertions is different than my first one- they don't do a sonogram at the time of placement. (In 2014 that happened; they checked immediately.)

I did speak to them about why they don't. They said it's not necessary.

Instead they have you back in 6 weeks to make sure it hasn't moved, which can happen.

So they do check, they just check later.

Mine moved down, it's no longer considered effective.

My first one never moved... not til they pulled it out 11 years later.

So, I know my body can handle it.

I went back for removal/reinsertion on Weds only to be told that because of factors (which I won't get into here) they have to do it as a surgical procedure that requires sedation. 

And they can do it THIS MONDAY.

Ok, that's fine, I can do that.

But that means a pre-op.

I've had those before; they were never a big deal.

So today I went for my pre-op to a doctor the gyn got me scheduled for who would do a last-minute pre-op. He is also a cardiologist.

My blood pressure was high.

Too high.

It was perfectly normal on Wednesday!

But it's always high at the doctor because I am scared of doctors and medical stuff in general, except the eye doctor. I do worry about my bp, I monitor it at home and it can be normal or slightly elevated but not anything serious. But it spikes at the doctor.

I do have a family history of hypertension, I vaguely recall decades ago being told about it.

But the people in my family who have it also had horrible habits, and my lifestyle is exactly what a person should be doing to not have this issue.  And not just recently, for YEARS. DECADES.

There are no lifestyle changes I can make that I know of.  I'm already living them all.

So if something's going on, it has to be genetic.  Fuck genetics!

It can also be the CPTSD- trauma is known to cause hypertension and other physical problems.

And my CPTSD is definitely in high gear right now.  (I'm managing it as best as I can.)

Anyhow because my bp was very high, and the dr is a cardiologist, I got an echocardiogram and have been sent home with a heart monitor (!!!) that I have to wear for a week.

IUD Complication Results in Heart Monitor
What the fuck ever!

And I get to spend Saturday, tomorrow, getting a stress test.

Basically, he's doing a full heart checkup.

In all honesty it's probably a good idea and maybe I won't stress about my bp so much if I see a cardiologist annually. If he decides my bp needs help... well that's frustrating because it's absolutely definitely NOT lifestyle and that sucks. I don't want to be on medication.

I feel like there is a theme in my life of doing everything as right and responsible as I know how to do and still ending up in a pile of crap.

(Another friend of mine just had a stroke and lost the full left side of his body.  

He's getting function back though. But that's SCARY. I don't want that!)

So maybe I am thinking that the Universe might be looking out for me, because possible hypertension has been a background stressor for me, even though I have no diagnosis of it.

OR... 2025 is still being an asshole.

So because of my IUD, now I have a heart monitor, a full heart checkup, and a cardiologist.

From Weds to Monday I am at the doctor every single day except Sunday, which is Hector's memorial.

It's deeply overwhelming. Too much too fast.

And it's probably bad for my blood pressure.

What the fuck ever 2025!

What a stupid awful horrible year.

I'm ready to be done with it.

I did a thing.

I did a thing I am not allowed to do..........

.... I adopted more pastels.

I am definitely not allowed to do that.

BUT..... Sennelier posted a picture of "woodless pastel pencils" on their Facebook page and......

I have never seen these before, and I thought i knew about all things Sennelier-pastels.

AND ON THE SAME DAY I got a 20% off coupon from Blick.

AND these beautiful pastel "crayons" are indefinitely out of stock online but ARE in stock at my local Blick on 6th Ave.

Today I went to my retina dr (everything is still fine), then I headed over to Blick to adopt the set of 48 half-crayons.

I LOVE the packaging, it's very compact for such a wonderful assortment of colors.

These will travel so well! And pastels can be tough to travel with. 

It's one of the reasons I haven't taken them out for a while.

(Also FWIW I sometimes make egg tempera out of my pastels so they are multi-functional.)

Here is the box with a tube of oil paint for size reference:

Sennelier always does nice packaging, this one is particularly nice and has a magnetic closure.

Excellent colors and size reference:

Sennelier pastels are known to be extremely soft (and fragile), these are less-soft which makes sense to hold the crayon form, but they are still much softer than a hard pastel or a typical pastel pencil.

Mystery Beep Provides Valuable Info

Yesterday I started hearing a muffled double-beep in my apartment.

It was annoying, but if I have any sound on I can't hear it.

Today it continued and got REALLY annoying.

So I turned everything off to determine where this mystery beep was coming from.

It's not in my apartment, it's outside in the yard behind my apartment where all the garbage is.

So I texted the super and said there's a weird beep coming from outside, does something out there need a battery change?

And I sent him a recording of the Mystery Beeping.

He called me a little while later and said as far as he can tell, someone threw out a smoke detector instead of just changing the battery. So the garbage out back is beeping, and those old smoke detectors are LOUD and it is blaring through the garbage loud enough to annoy me in my apartment!!!

I said to the super, I have 2 old smoke detectors that need disposal but I know you can't put them in the regular garbage because they are radioactive.

He said that's right, but our building has an electronics disposal bin!

I said what? How long has that been here? That's amazing!

He said about 2 years now.

WOW. Who knew!

I need to use this bin.

I have been holding onto old electronics simply because I don't know how/where to properly dispose of them.

I wish we had fabric recycling too, I also need that.

Stupid still-beeping smoke detector! IT IS SO ANNOYING!
But I learned something really cool!

The trash is going out to the curb tonight, so I don't have to deal with it much longer.

Winter Tree with Yellow Leaves

Well it isn't winter quite yet but here is a wintery tree from Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, near Bluebell Wood. 

The yellow leaves under the tree- which was a big part of why I chose this tree- were cleared while I was painting them.

Is this a trend?

32F/0c, I was warm though.

8x10 oil

Here are some other assorted pictures from the garden today.

Windy Waves

I am off work today and tomorrow and am getting some painting in since it isn't raining.

Today I went over to Jamaica bay Wildlife Refuge again.

I'm back to a more standard palette, but I kept it small because of time and wind.

It was very windy which was unpleasant, but it made good waves on the water so that's what I painted.

The wind took 15 degrees off the temperature!

8x10 oil, 1 hour (because of the wind and also quick-changing light, I wanted more time with this one but ...conditions...) It is very much a mental workout to do this kind of painting.

December, Finally!

Oh my god we made it to December!

What a stupid year.

I was on the overnite on the hotline last night, which was a good way to enter into this last month of stupid 2025. It's my last overnight for this year, I did 2 ON shifts in November.  I volunteered for this past shift, earlier in the month they had no one booked so I took it.  I did end up having a shift partner from the new class though, it was their first overnight. But no more ONs for me in 2025!

********

In other very sad news, two boathouse people have passed away.

Hector died on Saturday, and last night while I was on the train to the hotline I learned David also passed away. Hector's passing wasn't a surprise; he has been declining since the spring. David is a surprise though and it will be weird with him not around running the desk.

Here is David's obituary in the NY Times. (Gift Article)

********

Also, my class egg tempera show hangs on JANUARY 17 for the opening on Tues Jan 20th!

This sucks!

It's too early!

What the heck!!

I have been working on a Filippo Lippi master copy since October, it is a very difficult painting and I thought I'd have at least through February.

Now I have to finish SOON and I feel really stressed and rushed.  

I still have so much work to do on it.

Anyhow, I am glad it is finally December.

The bad funk I was in for Thanksgiving lifted the day after; I knew it would.

It is on pause for a minute.

Now I just have to get through Christmas and New Years.

I hope this month goes quickly with no more deaths (if you are reading this you are definitely NOT ALLOWED to die) and no more anything except good things. Or neutral.  I'll also take neutral.

In the Macys Parade, Again

I was in the 99th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Parade today.

It was my second Macy's parade... in 2023 I was on the Uncle Dan balloon.

This year I was a clown, and I like being a clown more than being on a balloon.

I was in the Corn-y-copia clown group, and we were right at the front of the parade.  

(We were CORNSTARS)

We also opened The Today Show!

Debbie Gibson and Al Roker were there too. (pics below)

I like being a clown because it's really fun to interact with the crowd.

We threw confetti and people held out their hands for passing contact and high fives.

There is something very human and very magical about this; it was amazing.

Especially in NYC and all that means. It is all of humanity coming together in a moment of connection and contact in joy.

I was with 2 boathouse friends and my friend/coworker Franca.  Being in the parade has been on her life bucket list for many, many years, and she hasn't been able to get in.  I got her in this year and it was so nice to be able to make that possible for someone who has been wishing for it for so long.

It's a good feeling.

The parade and feeling the fun and joy of it is a stark contrast to how I am feeling internally, which is a bit odd. It's really weird to feel such opposite feelings at the same time.

After the parade I went home.

Daya is not coming home and I have no plans.

Aside from the parade I have no thanksgiving.

Here are some fun pictures from this morning.

Our call time was 5:15am.

Franca got a hotel room and I stayed with her.

I was on the hotline last night and got to the hotel at almost midnight.

30+ years living in NYC and it was my first time staying at a hotel in the city!

Downtown Boathouse Crew!

On the shuttle bus uptown