Boathouse Sunset Progression

I went to the boathouse to get out.
There are people there, and they are nice people.

Also, Kedrin's friend is coming to town and Kedrin has class, so I was supposed to friend-sit.

The sunset was so pretty!!

I took this picture of Kedrin from inside the 1 train, she was sitting on the opposite platform.

High Isle

 I don't know why it is so hard for me to get to the easel but I did, and I'm proud of myself for just showing up.

The new pastels are good.

8x10 on clear-gesso primed Canson illustration board.

(I have a bunch of it and it is rather lovely and I'm experimenting with homemade pastel surfaces.)

Unisons, Richesons, Rembrandts. (this painting took less than 2 hours. small is good for fast work. I needed something that wasn't really a commitment. Paintings can really be commitments.)

I did wait 10 days..........

On September 12, Jerrys Artarama sent me am email with sale items.

In the email was a picture of a very lovely-looking set of Richeson pastels.
(They know how to get me.)

I am not allowed to buy any more pastels (self-inflicted rule) but I can look at them all I want.
And I often look at pastel sets.  And it is ok.

I do not have a compelling need for the set shown above.

I DID have a compelling need to send the picture to my friend Janet, who also loves pastels.

She asked me if I was sending her pictures of crack.

(Yes.)

They have other 20 half-stick sets, too, in different color/value groups.

Um, they are REALLY pretty.

Like this one:

All the turquoise!!

It's not money I want to be spending though, and Jerry's lists this set for something like $68.

Yeah, nope.

But a few days later I tentatively.... looked.... on Amazon just to see what I could see.

This set was listed from an independent seller for $48.

That's a really, REALLY good price.

Even though I need more pastels like I need a hole in my head, it was inevitable.

I don't know why this set in particular got me completely snagged.

I really thought about it a lot, and even waited 10 days to let the urge settle.

It did not.

Aren't they PRETTY?

I really need to get painting now.

Triborough Time-Trap

Last night at the boathouse, Kedrin mentioned she needed to go to the farmer's market to get some honey.

She was going after her class, to Grand Army Plaza.

I always go to the Union Square Farmers Market and have never made it over to GAP farmers market.

I asked, can i join? I needed a reason to go out today.

Kedrin is a great! person! and said yes, and we coordinated the meetup time.

I was up pretty early, had my tea and did my workout**, and Daya and I had to leave around the same time (dance) so I gave her preference.

(** workout note: I cycle daily, I am up to 12.8 miles in 30 minutes. Maybe more thoughts later, like on another day. I think this pace is pretty good & respectable.  I care a lot about my health, my healthy weight, and my heart.)

It still gave me about an hour and 15 mins to get over to Brooklyn on time, not too bad.

Oh except I WAITED for the trains!!!!!

And..............

I WAS IN A TIME-TRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, time slowed WAY DOWN. Like, everything took twice as long as normal!!!!

I think it started in the subway.

So I was about 20 minutes late meeting Kedrin but she already got her honey before they sold out so all was well.

*******

ON THE WAY HOME I tried to rebalance my time-error.

It went too far in the other direction.

One minute I was at 14th street, then SUDDENLY I was at 72nd..... missed my dang stop.

27 dang years in this city and 

I STILL miss my damn stop sometimes.

*******

Produce makes me happy.

Handmade soap makes me happy.

Seriously, I get very excited.

I told Kedrin I have days where I congratulate myself on not having a substance problem.

We both think it's due to the ability to get gloriously happy over things like eggs and gorgeous fresh produce and handmade soap. Kedrin is the same.

The ability to find happiness in simple things.

This is the secret to life.

She says she never had kids because she knew she'd kill them.

We both agree that toddlers are adorable and it is nature's survival mechanism.

It's true.

That oxytocin saves lives, even teenage lives!

*******

I got 2 handmade honey soaps and some GORGEOUS produce.

As of the photo-taking, Daya ate half the tomatoes, even tho she rolled her eyes and had major attitude when I talked about my farmers market acquisitions to her.

What a lucky girl she is, and how compatible we are in this way, and she cannot see it.

When I invited her to have some fresh (omg it is AMAZING) corn she told me Don't tell me what to eat.

I hope she has some, though.

I HAD to get some of these pears because they are absolutely adorable.

Fresh Brussels Sprouts.....................

I am geeky enough to be excited enough to go home and make....... corn.

Do not give me shit, Pebbles was into that corn, too.

************************

OK SO......................

I need to paint, it's bad.

I have it planned.

I cleaned and laid everything out.

This setup has been staring at me for 4 days and I'm scared of it.
The longer I wait the worse it gets.

A Cold & Windy Sunset

Well, it is Autumn, and the weather turned very abruptly.

I'm ok with that.

There is a hurricane coming up the coast and so we are impacted with wind etc.

I have been home alone all day every day this week, because I needed to recover from being peopled-out last weekend. I have only been to the store a couple of times, and I did go for a swim last night.  But none of those things are interactive.

So I feel my balance with it tipping in the other direction, which means I need to get out and see people.

I went to the boathouse.

I love that the boathouse is there, a place to go to just be.

Since I wasn't there last weekend, it feels like forever since I have seen everyone.

It was COLD.

We didn't go out on the water but we did pet passing dogs and watch the sunset.

The water was so choppy!

Tofu Haul

I love tofu.

Seriously, I LOVE tofu.

You know who else LOVES tofu?

My friend Grace!

Grace and I LOVE tofu the way Kedrin and I LOVE eggs!

I needed some more tofu so I emerged from my apartment and made a quick trip to the Asian grocery. (Not the Japanese grocery; that is different.)

I got tofu.

Tofu for miso, tofu cutlet for.... everything, and this dried tofu I haven't tried before.

And egg tofu, which is really good.

Not pictured: the fried tofu in my freezer

I sent a picture of my tofu haul to Grace and she admired it, and we both restated how much we LOVE tofu.

I got a work award!

Wow!

This was unexpected!

I got a recognition award at work!
This completely made my day!

I have been working on this project since July.

My colleague writes: 

With great energy and a supportive attitude, Jess took the training materials from the *********** programme and using her skills and experience built out 6 different e-learnings which will be consumed by all of Technology ~12,000 ppl. This allowed people to be trained on all the new processes and understand the new ********* instance being rolled out. Jess always made herself available and was a great team player even though not part of the programme. Thank you Jess!

The award comes in the form of points which are used in a catalogue of cool stuff.

Whenever I have points, I usually enlist Daya to help me choose some Cool Stuff.

I was going to this time as well but we had a stupid nonsense argument**** and she's not speaking to me.

I don't feel like waiting and I also feel sour so I'm going ahead without her.

I got:

• A really nice new Henkels kitchen knife block set, which I have been needing.
• A home tool set, which I also need as my tools are scattered around and definitely are not easy to access/find.
• A small magnifier with a light, which I will keep in the kitchen.  I ALWAYS need a magnifier in the kitchen!

**********************

****Daya and I had a fight about the dishwasher, and it's SO stupid but she's fuming mad.

We cook separately, and when she's on her normal schedule and using the kitchen, usually it needs to be done every other day, and sometimes every day. (Daya somehow uses WAY more dishes than I do. When she was in Chicago for three weeks I only ran the dishwasher 5 times.)

We alternate doing the dishwasher, because I refuse to do 100% of the cleaning up. 

She generates most of the kitchen mess, and that's fine, but she needs to help take care of it.  

This is the only household chore she is required to do.  

I took everything else off her plate- the bathroom, cat litter, feeding the cats... because she is home late and is really tired. (She also does her own laundry but that's not shared so doesn't count, as it is completely up to her if it gets done (or not).) 

But the dishwasher is something she needs to help take care of. It's a fair system. 

It has been in place for a couple of years.  

I have a chart and we sign off when it is done, so there is no room for arguing.

I like a clean kitchen and I tend to clean up a little better than Daya with regard to the stove and counters, and that's ok with me. I don't care, as long as she mostly does her part.

I did the dishwasher on Tuesday before I went to Cathy's. (I put the date when I sign; Daya does not.) 

When I left Thurs evening, it needed to be done but it was Daya's turn, so I left it for her.

When I got home Sunday evening she had done it twice.

I did it on Tuesday.

It needs to be done AGAIN today (Wednesday).

I gently reminded her that I'd like it done tonight.

For some reason, she thought that because she did it twice I was also supposed to do it twice.

Something irregular with that might have happened a while ago and we had an exception circumstance, but that is not how we operate in general.

She decided that when I left for Cathy's it wasn't her turn. (It was. If it was my turn I would have done it; I always do. Plus it's written down!)

And she must have used so many dishes in the three days I was gone that she had to do it again.

And somehow that means I'm supposed to do it twice because she...... simply cleaned up after herself???

I could not talk sense to her. She just went into an intense anger, which IMHO was overblown to the situation. 

It's not the stupid argument/disagreement which is a problem. This is normal stuff that happens.

It's this intense anger reaction and inability to communicate and resolve conflict through it.

She holds onto it and just stays angry forever, like she has this huge anger pile she collects.

Mostly she's mad at me, for stupid dumb meaningless crap like this.

It's not healthy.

She hasn't been to therapy since June.  

I doubt she'll start up with it again because of dance.

It didn't really help anyhow.

************

Part of her anger is that she doesn't think she should even have to do the dishwasher, at all.

I did it for the three weeks she was in the Move NYC program... because that was really intense.

So my way of supporting her- the only way she would let me- was to give her a break.

When school started and it was her turn once again, she wanted to know why she still has to do it since she's dancing the same as she was in Move. (She's not. She has a heavy dance schedule but not like Move.)

So I did something nice for her and she tried to turn it into a permanent entitlement.

Wow, that makes me feel really crappy about being nice to her.

Her reasoning? I'm home all day.

Yeah, seriously.

That just pisses me off.

She has this attitude like I'm a lazy spouse or something, and she's gone all day and I'm home doing nothing. It's really, really bizarre.  Some of the things she says to me sound like things she learned from a bad Netflix show with couples fighting or something.

********

It's true that my physical schedule got a whole lot easier- for the first time in my life- since covid.

I am part of the group of people who got a desperately-needed Life Break in this way, and I'm extremely grateful for it. I need it. I have been running an absolutely brutal physical schedule since she was born.

I am so exhausted.

And she doesn't consider that I'm working and maintaining the household.

She just sees me being home all day while she goes to school and dance--- which is what she WANTS to do- and then gives me shit.

There is absolutely no perspective, no appreciation, no gratitude that I make the life she has possible for her.

I'm so tired.

I have to get through this year. I don't have to do it anymore when she's 18.

She'll still need it, but I will be under zero obligation.

I'm so sad about it but also looking forward to not living with this hostility anymore.

It's wearing on me in a bad way; I grew up with so much hostility and I have a very low tolerance for it.

It's very triggering and also just not fair.

There are many days where I'm seriously and genuinely proud of myself for not having a substance abuse problem.

More Woods, On-Trail & The Rest of Sunday

We went out in the woods again but stayed on-trail this time.

So I did not get anyone, or myself, in trouble.

I am completely peopled-out and kept back a ways from Mark and Jane to try and get some solitude in nature.

I found a weird mushroom.

Everyone who was left from yesterday (7 of us) went to brunch.

Jane and I drove back with Mark and he showed us some submarine stuff.

I think it's the USS Nautilus? Mark is a submarine expert but I can't remember everything he says.

In the afternoon I was SO READY to be home.

Honestly I was past my limit.

Jane and I took the train back together which was nice but I needed to just zone out.

We navigated disgusting Penn Station again and got home safely.

I was SO SO happy to be home!

(Even though my visit to CT was really nice.)

Here is the painting I bought from Drusilla.

It looks great next to Pizza Rat.

You can see all her beautiful ratfest paintings here:

(Dru if there is another link to use pls tell me and I'll update)

Pebbles doesn't want me to leave again.