Deep Winter Hibernating

I have been hibernating.

All of January and so far all of February.

This hibernation period will likely last at least through the end of this month, maybe a little bit into March.

It is deep winter right now.

Time to settle, rest, shift, recalibrate, regenerate.

I am shifting and regenerating.

Overall, I feel amazing inside and out, and I am thoroughly enjoying this short hibernation phase.

It's a very special time and I will look back at it fondly with appreciation.

It makes sense to come into hibernation after last year.

Last year was very intense, and a rest and recalibration is good.

I have been doing very deep inner work, every day.

I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, preparing internally to go wherever I am supposed to go. 

I feel so good. 

And that's very intentional, it's not an unknown random thing.

I need to do this inner work, and while I am doing all the things I need to do like work, the hotline, maintaining my apartment, and also keeping in touch with friends, I feel like I'm in a nice safe bubble of time and space that is exactly what I need to germinate new seeds.

It's a little weird because I am mostly home alone all the time, sometimes for days without going out, yet I don't feel isolated or lonely. This time is so calm and peaceful and I'm finding things deep in my psyche that are saying it's time to shift to new growth. 

This deep winter hibernation is wonderful.

It's like a long ongoing meditation.

And when it ends, whenever that is, I will be ready for it to end.

***********

Daya and I are fine, right back to how things are supposed to be.

If she ever writes another stupid no contact note, I'm going to have trouble taking it seriously.

We are not even a month into the Juilliard semester and she has needed stuff from home, food, and yesterday her phone screen broke so I'm helping her with that too.

Being a parent is REALLY WEIRD, even when your kid is an adult.

***********

As of today, I haven't painted for almost 2 weeks.

That's a long time for me.

I think the painting part of me also needs to hibernate and rest.

Between weather and schedule, plein air painting has not been possible yet this year.

That's why going to class is good, it keeps me painting even if I'm not painting at home or outdoors.

I do have a commission that's been hanging over me but it's not coming out right. 

Dru helped, said it's not that bad, and I haven't touched it since.  

It should be an easy painting but I also can't really paint right now.

Even in class the painting I'm working on is currently a bit of a slog... but it doesn't matter. 

There is no time limit on it, no deadline.

I would like to get that commission done and shipped, but I also want it to be good, and I can't paint right now so it has to wait.

Last year I did 59 plein air paintings... plus whatever studio work. 

FIFTY NINE!

That's a LOT. 

My internal painting systems have shut down for internal maintenance.

This does happen, it's ok.

The weather is now paintable weather, and I'm planning to get out tomorrow and start 2026 plein airing.

This will hopefully get my painting engines starting up again.

And if they don't, that's also ok because I am still hibernating after all.

The last plein air I did was Dec 27.

So this is a month and a half plein air break- it might be enough.

I'll find out tomorrow if I have my flow back or not.

**********

Here are some hibernating cat pictures.

2 out of 3 cats are mostly hibernating too.

Guess who isn't hibernating but I wish she would?

Pebbles.

Of course it's Pebbles.

Current Change

I have been caught in a limbo state, an internal slack current, definitely unwillingly.

It ends today.

The current changes today.

Thank goodness.

Whatever direction it goes is fine.

I'm just glad it's finally changing.

I couldn't do it on my own.

It was a time thing.

Sometimes things just have to run their own course in their own time, and it doesn't really matter what you try and do about it. And that sucks. It can't be forced. You just have to endure. 

There have been many things in my life which have required an external circumstance change- outside my control- in order for me to feel better, to change, to move internally either away or towards something better. 

I don't like this because I feel I should always have internal control instead of responding to circumstance. And I always do try and move things internally and sometimes I just can't because of those external factors I can't control that do affect me. 

And it has been astounding to me that once those external circumstances change, I move back into good balance. And it's also frustrating, like I should be able to make that shift on my own regardless.  

Perhaps that's an unrealistic expectation.

I want to be able to do this on my own regardless of circumstance, but I guess if we are caught in a strong current, we just have to go with it until it changes and do the best we can.

Try to stay healthy, try not to drown.

It is a valuable thing to know who and how you are independent of other peoples' dysfunction or crappy circumstance. This is something to hold on to.

Sometimes it is very difficult to know when to let go, move on, or when to stay and just wait.

My own answer to this is to always look at present circumstance, stay in the present.

That is where reality is, and the present moment is where our power is.

Looking at it honestly might hurt but at least it's true, especially when I have no knowledge of whatever else is happening to influence things.

Being on the water this season, especially those peaceful early mornings, has had a much-needed counterbalancing effect to everything that has been happening all at once in too many areas of life. 

I am very grateful for it.

Candle

Sometimes we all need a little divine assistance, protection, and blessing.

Fallow

I crashed last night.

After I fed everyone and just did the essentials, I crashed… around 10pm.

And I slept for 10 hours, probably would have slept longer except the birds woke me up.

So I have some work this morning, like cleaning the rats which I meant to do last night but I was just DONE.

Anyhow, I pulled a flower card this morning and got this:

Isnt that illustration gorgeous?

Ok, here’s the next page…..

Wow, I (hope?) that’s relevant. Going fallow. That might be what I am feeling, or it also might be stress.

Or both. I’m really good at downtime and doing nothing. So that’s not the right context.  Lee Harris mentioned something similar to this in his April energy update, that sometimes when we are preparing for something we go a bit dormant. I hope that’s what is happening, that would be… worthwhile, at least.

I’m stressed about my website.

In January I signed up for a year with FASO and my initial experience with them hasn’t been good, but I need to figure them out. I don’t know if I really don’t like their service or if I need to shift my perspective.

I suspect it is a little of both. 

And website stuff is… just really crappy to deal with, to be honest. I don’t know if I want to keep my current site or do a complete switch. I just don’t know, and the FASO system is built for internet-website-illiterate people who don’t even know what CSS is.  I’m NOT a web developer and don’t want to be but I do need a more robust platform.  So I have to figure out what I can/will use from them and what I won’t.  This will take time, focus, and I haven’t had it.

So there’s that.  It is hanging over me.

The other thing - and this is my blog where I sort myself out, I’m NOT looking for advice- is - oh man my new plant book (pictured above) is pretty. And it is reminding me that I have done nothing artistically significant at all with getting my work out there, I have no “out-in-the-world” artistic accomplishments.

And I’m feeling a bit bummed about that. Like, what is the point of all of this? 

I have done a whole bunch of stuff that is still nothing.

It’s true that my life hasn’t been set up for it until possibly now but I’m feeling crappy about it.

I do think I can get Topiary Cats out there, and prints are on my list this year for sure- and I’m going back to Janet’s on May 7th and we’re going to photograph them properly- so that’s good and on-track with my goals.

But I’m feeling extremely unaccomplished and artistically crappy in general.

Maybe that, plus my website stress and feeling completely overwhelmed at all the stuff I need to start learning in order to expand my art has got me in this stressed out inner-tightness that is very unpleasant and is getting in the way of painting.

Sometimes being an artist really sucks.

And now it is much later in the morning than I intended before starting out, and I need to clean rats, feed cats, and wash brushes before I head out to paint in the woods.

1|1|22

Another New Year!

My word is THRIVAL.

That's my word, I made it up.
(I think other people also made it up too because I googled it... but it's still mine. Apparently it isn't a "real" word but it should be.)

I want to shift from surviving to thriving.

Time to state my intentions, which I do every year:

1. Drink a lot of tea

2. Paint some pictures

3. Swim regularly

4. Continue and maybe even finish clearing out old stuff in my apartment and making my space nice and refreshed. I have been here a long time (15 years) and it's pretty amazing how things end up sitting around for years. And I need a new couch or couch equivalent.  This is an important time to refresh my space. Life is changing to a new phase.  Daya is 16; she has a year and a half left of high school. So over the next couple of years, I will be entering into a very new Life Phase that I need to prepare for to let everything good in. I feel it coming.  I had wanted to really do this about 4 years ago but honestly I think I couldn't because it just wasn't time yet. This past year (and a little in 2020) I really have been shifting my space in earnest.  So it is going...slowly, but it's going and I might see that accelerated this year.  It's time to prepare and pre-pave the way.

5. This is a new one- I'm doing prints this year.  Giclees. (Archival museum prints) It's time. I'm ready.  I haven't been ready before but I am now. I'm going to start with some Topiary Cats, see how they do. Last year was a pretty ok year for painting being self-funding, and I'd like to continue that trend.

I have a friend who wants to help me with the photography, and I have 2 printers- one is recommended by 2 friends but isn't local. The other reached out to me after I posted my Topiary Cats and they are local.

I still need to compare and check out prices. I have a lot to learn but it is time to start.

*********

Here is the Lee Harris energy update for Jan 2022.

It's interesting that the big theme he says is that this January is not the time to go blazing into action, but it is a time to be introspective and reflective.  This is exactly how I feel, and I was thinking about that even before I listened to the update. I don't feel a big momentum to action right now.  I think this time, especially with the Omicron wave, and winter, is about rest, self-care, and introspection.

********
Over the past couple of days I was thinking it might be good to do daily cards this month, and I had a thought from the recesses of my mind to use the Black Cat tarot.

To be honest I haven't thought about this deck in a whole bunch of years. Seriously. So it's a little odd I thought of it, it literally just popped into my head, which is even more reason to go with it.

Here is today's card, 2 of coins (pentacles) which completely and accurately describes where I have been and how I feel. It's SO RELEVANT.

This isn't a "negative" card. 

Last night I was thinking how I always feel like I'm walking right at the edge of a treacherous cliff.

I have a lot to balance, I have no idea where I'm going, but I haven't fallen off the cliff!

Basically this card describes the state of precariously but successfully balancing resources and being able to handle problems as long as time, energy, and resources are managed well.

I actually think I have been doing pretty ok with that. Maybe more than ok.

Thrival.  I have to shift from survival into Thrival.

Morning Meditation

 I got a nice mantra-message in my morning meditation this morning.

"I am open to receiving the miracles of today."

It put me in the mindset that no matter what happens today, it will be for my benefit.

I had an 8am meeting, and about 15 minutes before I had to log in, my internet was not working.
That was frustrating.
My router fell down when I was resetting everything.
Which made me say to myself, 'This is a terrible configuration."

And that made me look at the ridiculous configuration of plugs and wires under my computer, which is terrible and I have been putting up with it.... so I'm making changes there.

*****
When I joined my Reuters art group, I found out our member Sandra is now cancer-free! :)
THAT is a truly wonderful thing!
Sandra said that her cancer taught her how to receive good things.
That is an important lesson, I'm working on it.

*****
On our call I did my homework for the Ken Goshen class.
I completely cheated and shortcutted, which he considers valid.
Instead of doing a drawing, I just transferred it from a (terrible) printout.

Then because I stunk up my place with fixative, I opened my other window and somehow managed to break my curtain tension rod. It no longer...tensions.

It is not really fun to be on a global video call while standing precariously on your window sill fighting with a curtain rod.  I ordered a new one, and am not really sure how this is to my benefit but I'm not too worried about it.

9/9

Thank you.

 

Leaving August

The Longest Month (perceptually), my least favorite month- is over after today.

I am happy to see September arrive.

******
School starts September 10th.
Daya will go in twice a week for dance only, everything else will be remote.

I really dislike all the remote learning but at least she can get out twice a week so it's something.

She just finished a three week intensive at Manhattan Youth Ballet, that was something at least.
Ailey is not taking new year-round students and is only running Junior Division for the three highest levels- which Daya would be in. I emailed asking if they had space and they said contact them after September 9th.

Daya has inquired about scholarship opportunities at Manhattan Youth Ballet.
Otherwise, I don't know how she'll train outside of school.

******
Of course this year has been drastic from a change perspective on a global level.
But we have seen some major changes here at home, too.

*Daya has all new bedroom furniture now, except a desk.
She's still miserable though. She's got to learn how to be happy.

*My studio is completely reorganized.
While still not completely done, it is so massively better than it was and I'm very glad about the improvements.

*The housework schedule! I freaking love it!  Not sure Daya does, but she is complying.

******
I'm still stuck working from home until at least January.
What a strange weird time, it drags on and races by simultaneously.

******
The card I drew today, not even joking, it is freaky spot-on:

...while I was listening to this video, which is exactly what I need right now.

I mean, it cannot get any more specifically helpful than this. Freeeeeaaaaky but also wonderful.

*******
I have had a great need lately to speak and write about Where I Am with Hard Things but I'm thinking maybe I should stop, although sometimes it really does help me clarify, so I don't know. 

Maybe the key is am I looking for clarity or do I just want to complain? Honestly one of the reasons I write these posts is for inner clarification. It's also so I don't completely forget my life! There are gaps in my blog where I wish I wrote more, but oh well.

Yesterday I started my morning meditations again and I really need to structure my days with it again.
Back in 2006, which was perhaps the most difficult year of my life, I got through by meditating first thing in the morning and last thing before going to sleep.

I'm kind of feeling like I'm drowning in a bad storm and I need to find my calm lifeboat.

Mirrors

So, I had something happen to me that does happen to artists now and then.
I've listened to some similar stories through the years so I know this is a thing that happens, and it's just life sometimes.

Sometimes we do a portrait of someone and they hate it. This has just happened to me.
And this can be jarring because it was done in a space of wonderful experience.  And also because I see so much beauty in this person, but she cannot see it in herself.  She struggles with extreme negativity in general. And yet I think she is absolutely amazing.

So actually the painting really is fine, but she is seeing herself in it ..... the way she sees herself. I guess on one hand that makes the painting very successful.   On the other hand it feels like artistic failure.

I always want my paintings to bring joy, and I would be wrong to say my friend's reaction doesn't sting a little bit. But only a little, because I understand it, and it will pass.  I don't take it personally, and I know it isn't the painting itself, either.  I know it is 100% about how my friend sees herself, even though I see her very differently.  It could have been any painting. It isn't about me.

Because this is someone I have known for a long time and I care about, I'm not going to post the sketch here and it is no longer on Facebook.  Because I want her to feel comfortable.  I'm sorry she didn't like it, I'm sorry it didn't bring joy, I'm sorry she can't see the beauty others see in her.

Sometimes it's good to find similar stories to relate to.  Here's the one about the hated Winston Churchill portrait.  But honestly, that one really is a terrible portrait!

The Abundance Master

So here's a story....

Last night I walked downtown to yoga after work.  I walked down 7th Ave from Times Square down to the West Village.  It is a nice walk and I do it often when the weather is nice.

Somewhere in the 20s, I stopped at a red light and a man stopped next to me.  An older Black man.  Looked totally normal.  He was talking.  Very conversationally in a pleasant way.  At first I thought he was on the phone with someone but he wasn't.

Anyhow, he grandly gestured across the street to the opposite corner.  He said,

"A house! It takes up the whole block! There is a courtyard inside!"  

He kept talking about the house as if it was there.  He looked at me as if he was talking to me- not specifically, but just because I was there and looking at him, so I was included in his sharing of luxurious visions.

For the record, I'm pretty down with a house that takes up the whole block with a nice courtyard inside.  I liked this conversation very much.  I liked this man.  I did not think he was crazy or creepy.
I thought he was pretty wonderful.

The light changed and we crossed the street.

He kept talking.  Pleasant, happy, excited conversation.  Every single thing he saw he converted to outrageous luxury.  It didn't matter what it was. He had a wonderful smile.  He was so happy, basking in the absolute unquestionable luxury of everything around him.

"The Freedom Tower!  Sitting at the top, watching the yachts!"

That sounded pretty good to me, too.

Unfortunately I couldn't hear a lot of the other stuff he said due to street noise.
But I was thinking, this guy is a genius. He's really "there".  A master of abundance.  He refused to see anything else.  He couldn't see anything else.  And there is something so powerful in that perception.  He has a powerful and important lesson to teach.

But his best interpretation came right before we parted ways, as we passed a construction site:

"A porta-potty!  On ice!  IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CARRIBEAN!"

It just goes to show that anything can be looked at in any light.
This guy saw lavish luxury in a porta-potty, which is so amazing and extraordinary I am blown away.

4 Things

Thing 1
I'm still feeling better but it feels tenuous and fragile.
The noise from upstairs is a bad trigger, when it happens, and anticipating it,
I wish it wasn't and I don't know how to minimize how it affects me.

I got a really LOUD industrial floor fan, which Daya has named Fran.
I love Fran. Fran is awesome.

It all seems petty and silly and small and ridiculous until I search for solutions online and find so many other people who have the same intense reaction.

Thing 2
I have made a decision to not acknowledge Fathers Day.
The last time I saw my father was for a couple of hours four years ago.
We haven't had any contact since last October.
Daya also has no contact.  She stopped crying for him about it a year and a half ago and the last thing I need is to re-open that issue.  It was bad, very bad, for years.

It is obvious he has no interest whatsoever in any type of involvement in my life or Daya's, so I need to stop doing old habits and things which hurt me.  I have to let it go. I'm not angry, but I am sad. It is sad and anyone in my place would be sad about it because that is a normal human reaction.

For several years now I have been very seriously wondering if I will ever see him again.  As far as I know he is and has been in good health, and he lives the distance of a 2 hour flight away. I did tell him I would like to see him but all I got was a response that they are busy and have no plans to come up to the northeast.  I am not welcome to visit them. Daya went three years ago and they showed her a great time then never asked her back.

There is no relationship.  Everything about it from his end and mine is old and very outdated- nothing current because there has never been enough contact, no life overlap, and he isn't interested in building that. It is why the relationship failed. There is nothing of the present in it. So I'm done walking in old empty meaningless patterns.

I have come to the conclusion that I will probably not ever see him again though I would have chosen differently. One day I'll probably get a letter in the mail telling me he has passed on and I will not inherit anything. This is sad but I will let it be and let it go.

Thing 3
Daya is miserable because there is no dance for two weeks.
She is impatiently waiting for school to be over...June 29th I think is the last day.

We never got a pointe shoe email that her teacher said would be sent out right after recital. Daya's ballet teacher mentioned there is no reason Daya shouldn't be in pointe shoes, and she was going to talk to the prepointe teacher but we have heard nothing.  So Daya is dealing with failed expectations and extreme disappointment- some of them her own possibly of her own making and some were set by her teacher.  She just wants to know, she is a kid, she is excited, she has been working so very hard.

I told her to adjust her expectations to hear something around her birthday but Daya is a stubborn obsessive Scorpio (like me) and changing her mind is just hitting a big brick wall.

Thing 4
Today I am starting to go through A Course in Miracles.
It's something I have known about and been aware of for the last 20 years, and I studied it a little in seminary, but it never called to me.  Now it is.  Interestingly, I got both the physical copy and the audio copy for free, which I appreciate. So it is time I guess. I suspected one day it would be.

My Pet Central Park Raccoon

I went up to the reservoir yesterday to paint some clouds.
They would not stay still, not at all so I had to settle on a composition and just kind of fudge it.  The sky went from all grey overcast to clear.

8x10 pastel on black richeson sanded paper

There is a running track around the reservoir where the Manhattan after-work crowd goes to run, jog, walk, whatever.  I have a spot up there which is on the running track but tucked away next to the gatehouse building at the top, so I am not in anyone's way.

People were overwhelmingly friendly- many people either stopped to say hi and say something nice about the painting, or they yelled out something nice as they ran by.  Even when my painting went through a *really* ugly stage.

I was so involved in my painting I didn't notice the raccoon who kept coming over to sit by my feet- on the running track.  Four people stopped to tell me he was there, which scared him off.  I finally saw him when he came back again, and he was big and fluffy and cute.

Here he is, running away- I couldn't get any other pictures of him.

******

Everyone was out yesterday.  The raccoon, dogs, and horses.

                     

                               

                   

*****

Sky pics

                   

*******
I thought the raccoon thing was cool because I started reading a book on St Francis yesterday, and this arrived in the mail:

Shifting

It is true that I haven't been blogging as much lately and I'm also not productive at the easel. Not lately.

Carey has been in a long moving process so our weekly FLIPs have been paused, and will hopefully resume soon.  I am planning to go out painting after work tomorrow.

Throughout this whole year I am noticing a gradual shift, some of it natural and some of it unwanted.  I will be 40 this year and I feel a transition happening. This is a natural part of life.  What I don't like is my over-sensitivity to anxiety which seems to be a new thing.

Unwanted noise in my home is my kryptonite.
It really, really throws me off, even anticipation of it.
Even when all is well..... that's a bit crazy isn't it. Silly, even.

I am starting to become concerned more than I ever have been about the years to come- basic stuff, like living situation.  There is no problem with where I am now.  Actually, it is a very good situation. But I worry about long-term maintenance. And worry is a huge misuse of imagination.

The thing about all of this is that I need to re-align to all the things I have learned up to this point in my life.  All of it is just fear.

Why is it, even armed with awareness and the knowledge of how to connect, that it is difficult to stay connected to a place of Source? With the knowing that everything is being handled?

******
Caroline Myss said that one of the universal experiences of growing spiritually is having gone through time alone, sometimes a lot of it. I have written about that before- but I still have thoughts around it that I need to change when I feel sad. So instead of thoughts around having been alone, I am thinking instead "I have not been alone; I have just spent a lot more time with god,' which is true.

I am not sad that my mother isn't in my life,
No one knows where my sister is, as far as I am aware no one has heard from her for years and I am at peace with that, too.

But I do get sad about my father sometimes.
The situation won't change so I need to rearrange myself to be in peace.
The truth is that I have managed just fine without his presence or assistance.
I do not actually need it.
Would it have been nice to have that relationship, assuming it is a positive one? Yes.  However, he is his own father. I have to release it in peace.

What I want to say about this is that it is a process and a practice. A practice that needs to be- well, practiced.

******
Living in a state of anxiety is not living in god-realized consciousness.
It shouldn't be challenging but it is, which means I need to practice.

I AM THAT I AM is the greatest spiritual truth/secret/teaching.
It is the most powerful thing in existence.
Conscious alignment requires constant diligence and daily practice.

I might need to implement a morning and evening practice, because I need to maintain conscious alignment.

******
I need to remember that I have been on this Path consciously from the start- since I was a small child. I need to remember that I have always been taken care of.
Perhaps somewhat unconventionally, but it is true.
Two people have told me on two separate unconnected occasions that I have divine protection- which is good because I have needed it.
I need to release the how and just know all is and will be well.

I need to remember that because I have been walking a Path of conscious alignment for my whole life, this will continue and the way will unfold in a positive benevolent way.

It is practice.

A Monday-ish Monday

I'm pretty wiped out from the weekend.
Competition was very hard on me in a lot of ways, internal and external.
Daya likes it, and she did extraordinarily well...three gold medals.
It is a very difficult thing she has done and I am proud of her.

I didn't paint but only because the weather yesterday was terrible...cold and nasty and rainy.

*****
Anyhow I felt really out of sorts by the time we got home last night, partially due to no sleep Saturday night and partially from being travel-stressed.  Today is a little better except I was cleaning my contacts this morning and I put a lens full of detergent in my left eye this morning and it was excruciating.

I had to go to work with no lens, and I'm ok now but my eye is still quite unhappy.

*****
That philosopher Stefan Molyneux I mentioned before... the one I had to stop listening to- well he sent out a video about something that looked interesting, and I had a listen this morning but it just turned into stuff I can't listen to anymore.

He's a smart guy and has a lot of good stuff to say but I have come to the concision that he is not balanced and a little too far extreme for me.

We need both mind and heart and he lacks heart. He talks in statistics and generalities which I don't think account for compassion, spiritual evolution, the human experience, and anything that deviates from a standard 1950s family template. He likes to use logic, history and statistics to "put women in their place" and promote traditional gender roles yet he doesn't seem to hold men as accountable.  I do think he has quite a lot of bitterness towards his mother and upbringing.

Anyhow what do I know, it's just my impressions, but I am not really all that interested in ranting about the imbalances and wrongness of society.  It is a mass-collective-tribal madness cesspool. There is no peace there. I have different things to focus on.  Society is messed up, true, it always has been- but I need to live my individual life and take care of my child as best as I can.  I need to cultivate a peaceful existence, not get caught up in collective madness.  It's just where I am.

Pendulums swing, both sides are unbalanced at the ends, that's why the pendulum keeps swinging and looking for balance. Society is the same. Awareness is good.  Change is good too, but collectives always move slowly and change throws off established balance.

The ending of suffering will never happen on a society level.
But things can get better and I think a lot of things are better now than they were even 50 years ago.  By that same token, some things are worse.
I can't get caught up in it.
So, bye Stefan.

Sideways

The way to step out of strong currents and patterns is to step sideways.
Everyone tries to go up but that never works.

Sideways.

And once you step sideways off the road where everyone else is rushing to insanity, at an insane pace, you are at peace to go wherever you want at your own pace without getting caught up in collective madness. And then you can't get infected by the madness and your inner self is safe and protected.

Of course our lives are made up of many pathways rolled into one life so we might have to do some sideways stepping out of some paths, and stay on others.

****
So many people are at unprecedented levels of anxiety, depression, etc over the election and aftermath...I keep encountering them.  No matter what a person's inclinations are, it seems like some kind of contagious mental/emotional disease went around making people either completely rabid or emotionally distraught. Whichever way, it is a widespread effect.

It hit me really badly too, and I couldn't make it go away- it was absolutely horrendous. I have to basically stay away from all of it, I can't be on facebook anymore- there is too much rabid irrational insanity from EVERYONE. And I'm not a politically inclined person at all--- there's something about the current atmosphere that is spewing all sorts of negativity that attaches itself to everyone and hurts them. So I'm in quarantine, so to speak! And it works. It is the detachment that Buddhism teaches.

My coworker came into the office yesterday morning and said to me, "I saw someone with a make America great again hat on the street and my day is ruined." WHAT? I mean come on seriously. How absolutely absurd.

Seeing a hat ruined her day. It didn't really but even needing to say that is crazy.
And she's a really stable, sane, intelligent person!
That's the level of complete and total contagion and people are just swallowing it.

You don't have to swallow it or get caught up in it.

******
The truth is that all through history there has been upset, imbalance, and unrest.
This is not the first time, nor will it be the last.

It is a very human-collective thing though, and if it is hurting you, or is impacting you negatively, step sideways out of it, stand in your own space and make your own reality instead of following a dictated collective reality.

In times like this history is really important so we can remember and know what others went through- that it isn't just us in this place and time.

It's like when Daya at age 11 doesn't believe me when she is going through a strong emotion or a problem- she doesn't believe that I, too, experienced the exact same thing  To her, that experience is unique to her and no one else can ever understand it because she doesn't really accept that it is a universal experience. As a parent I just shake my head and keep encouraging her, knowing that one day she'll get it.

Collectively humans do exactly the same thing.

But it IS a choice to participate.
If you want to, great- do it. The world needs people like that.

But if you are in a collective flow and it is hurting you, step out.
Sideways. That choice is always available.

I did it SIDEWAYS!

Philosophy

There is a a philosopher who has a Youtube channel and radio named Stefan Molyneux

He talks about a lot of stuff from a philosophy perspective.
And his own perspective and experience.
I don't have a philosophy background and this guy can be a little extreme at times but honestly I have to agree with a lot of what he says.
Not everything, but he makes sense.
And he has a whole lot to say about single moms. Nothing good.
AND he's not wrong, though I do think I fall firmly in the "exception" category for many specific reasons.

So I have been listening to him a lot the past couple of days and I have to stop because while I do agree with him in general, it is dredging up all my inner muck that really just needs to stay settled at the bottom of my inner pond.  There's some bad stuff there. There is no positive benefit to stirring it up and it is messing up my head and taking me down extremely dark tunnels. It is also making me feel utterly despondent and hopeless and terrible about my own life and my own parenting circumstance. Gloom and doom and failure with no possibility of good outcome. This is not good, nor is it true.

I have already done such a huge amount of self work- and I continue to do so- and I am at a place where I am self-aware enough to know how my life was affected by past circumstance and why I made the choices I made. And I own those choices, even the "wrong" ones- not "wrong" but unhealthy- but I, along with the rest of all humanity, am not perfect and should not be condemned for life decisions lacking knowledge that only age, experience, awareness, and hindsight brings. For what it is worth I have an ACE Score of 6.

You cannot throw a 5 year old into a situation suitable for a 17 year old and blame the 5 year old for screwing the whole thing up and not knowing any better. Textbooks and real life are different. I'm all for logic and reason, but we are more than that- we are beings of great feeling and there has to be balance between the heart and mind. And of course for me there is the spiritual element.

Additionally, while I still have to cope with what I consider at this point to be chronic internal pain issues that flare up sometimes, I have structures in place to move forward in a healthier positive existence. And that has taken a considerable amount of work over a long time.

Like everything it is practice and I slip sometimes.

So when I know I am being impacted by something that- while worthwhile- is starting to hurt me- I need to be aware of that and switch my input.

I went to yoga last night and I'm going again tonight.
Since I need to change the voice in my head immediately, I have Wayne Dyer on which has definitely helped tremendously.

We are influenced enormously by the input we choose- and it is always a choice- and knowing when you have to change the channel for your own well-being is pretty essential.

If you are getting into an unhealthy low-energy state you have to go get higher energy from somewhere else.

Welcome to February!

February!
We made it!

Daya got her report card and again she has straight As in honors.
She has a 100 average in Math!!
She is on the Golden Honor Roll. Again.
And that's in addition to 15 hours of dance- including assistant-teaching 2 classes.

And she is beating herself up because it isn't good enough for her......because her total average is something like a 95 and people in her class are bragging about a 97 average. And she doesn't have a 100 average in EVERYTHING.  (Her lowest is a 90.)

It's ok to want to do well and have standards, but there is a line that, once crossed, becomes unhealthy.  I have told her this but it means nothing to her. When Daya is feeling bad and I point out something positive, she says it doesn't matter.  I hope it is just the age and she levels out a bit with this pendulum thinking.

I am suuuper proud of her, though.
Ridiculously proud.
She works so hard.

*****
I think I have finally arrived at a point where I need to paint again.
It is a relief.
I'm hoping I get a chance tonight...it really depends on how Rob is feeling.  He is at the dentist this morning for that toothache and if he needs some taking-care-of, I will do that.  It is really nice to care about someone who appreciates being cared about.

*****
I need a meditation structure for this month.
Sometimes I need that-- I need to implement a structure of daily practice to stay centered.  I have a couple of ideas for the month but I think it might just be an evening prayer I keep on my altar.  Someone gave it to me last year and told me to use it for 21 days straight- which I did- to good effect.

I had forgotten all about it until I noticed it on my altar a couple of days ago.
So I will spend some time with that this month.

Why I Like Tarot

The tarot is not a religion, it is not silly hocus-pocus, and it is not some strange kind of silly magic. It isn't something to believe in or not believe in. There is no belief involved with it at all.

It is a system, a series of focus points- that contain all the symbols and themes of human existence from a granular to a universal level.  It is very deep and layered. It does contain collective energy, and can help as a focus point for meditation and inner reflection. It is also art. It is centered around visual art.  I have been collecting decks for almost 20 years just for the art alone.

Some use it for divination, which can be helpful for answer-seeking and insight, but as far as I personally use and relate to it, it is an insightful meditation practice. I don't do tarot readings for other people.

I have said before we humans are internal and external beings.  The tarot is really about the internal landscape. It is representative of energy- themes, patterns, and dynamics either of where we have been, where we are, or where we want to be.

Like anything else, it is not something easily explained to people who have not spent any time with it or investigated it.  It is the same way I can't explain what it is like to be an artist to a non-artist. I can talk about it, but my audience won't relate unless they, too, have some kind of similar experience. If you have spent time with something and gotten to know it, telling someone else about it doesn't mean they will know or understand it. If they want, they must undertake that journey themselves.

You can pick any point in the universe and find the god-source.

Judeo-Christian traditions teach that tarot is somehow evil. And so people are afraid of it because they are taught to be afraid- but it is no more evil than, say, yoga- which also has a huge element of meditation and introspection. There is nothing harmful about it. It is outside the standard religious Tribe, and people are taught to fear anything outside the Tribe so they will stay in the Tribe.  But the Tribe has its own agenda, mostly of self-preservation.

The tarot is just one way of infinite ways to be in touch with your inner spiritual self, to zoom in and out, to connect, to learn, to grow, to find answers, clarity, and insight.

Keep on asking, and you will receive 

what you ask for. 

Keep on seeking, and you will find. 

Keep on knocking, 

and the door will be opened to you.

                                            Matthew 7:7

Solstice

Today is the Winter Solstice, the darkest night, after which the light comes back.  it is the birth of light.

As I have done for several years now, I went over to St Patrick's to light some candles and send some energy and intentions out to be birthed.  Today is the day of all days to do this.

Here is the tree at Rockefeller Center:

Inside the cathedral.

I lit three candles this year, they are the three at the top next to the angel.

More inside the cathedral.

This year's nativity scene.

Sorry World

In the war over land where the world began

Prophecies say it's where the world will end

But there's a tremor growing in our own backyard

Fear in our heads, fear in our hearts

Prophets in the graveyard

Indigo Girls

Dear World,
I'm sorry that my country voted for fear and hatred.
I guess the environment has been ripe for it with all the years of media fear-mongering and economic hardship.
And Brexit.

There is no "evil external force" influencing our acts towards one another- it is humans behaving as humans do to each other and all that entails, all that is capable of, for better or worse. We have such a broad spectrum within us. There are angels and they will help us if we ask.

As a race we have to start owning it instead of passing it off to externalized forces created to relinquish personal responsibility and keep a select few in control.  I think this will take a long time but we have already come a long way.  Humanity moves on an individual personal level and also on a collective level.

We are all individually responsible for treating each other with basic regard at the least, and hopefully kindness. The results of an election should not change that.

Things might get pretty real, the only thing we can really do is just keep doing what we are doing and don't get personally infected by this madness. Stay safe, happy painting, meditating, yoga-ing, writing, gardening, whatever it is that you do which brings joy to you and others around you.

The Universal Law is impartial. 

It will give you anything you believe. 

It will throw you garbage or roses 

depending on the energy you put in. 

You are the one in charge, 

and you must accept that and stand alone. 

If you think God is coming down to fix things for you, 

forget it. 

God is out playing golf.

-Stuart Wilde

The Light shines in the darkness, 

and the darkness did not comprehend it.

John 1:5

There is nothing good or bad, 

only thinking makes it so.

Tao Te Ching

The election is only four years- 

Fouettes are forever!

Shauna Sorenson