Positive Nonviolent Discipline (PRT)

PROLOGUE
This is a really rambly ranty post. I set out intending to be concise but that didn't happen.

START RANT
A friend of mine shared this Facebook video.
I watched it once and I can't watch it again, it has got me so upset.

PLEASE take a moment to look at these pages which are a starting resource to change understanding of corporeal punishment and learn non-violent approaches to dealing with conflict and discipline.

http://www.slideshare.net/srjojofma/positive-discipline

http://www.hands.org.gy/files/Parenting%20Handbook.pdf

http://www.nonviolenceeducation.com/nonviolentdiscipline.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/

https://suzukiassociation.org/news/25-nonviolent-discipline-options/

It is NEVER ok to hit a child. 

There are far more effective ways to correct 

and manage your kid. 

Hitting them is "justified" violence and bullying.

It is abusive.

Nothing, absolutely nothing will ever convince me otherwise.
This video really hit my nerves and my heart on so many levels.

*********
I don't believe in punishment.
I DO believe in consequences.
I DO believe in discipline.

Punishment is making someone suffer because they did something "wrong" so they have to be intentionally hurt because of it.

Consequences are the natural outcome of one's actions, positive or negative.

There are, of course, times when a person must be disabled of their ability to commit acts which hurt themselves or others.

But I want to talk about children right now, not adults, not criminals.

*********

The child in the video was definitely needing correction and guidance, and he's probably a smart-ass but beating the crap out of him is just awful.  That's not going to solve anything.  He'll learn that when he is an adult it will be ok to hit others smaller and younger (or his girlfriend/wife)

He has also learned that he cannot get help or protection, that because he is a child he can be bullied by those in authority.

This is a horrible message at best, and a very dangerous one at worst.

AND- No one is willing to assist the mother in learning better parenting skills.  

She doesn't know any better.  She needs help too!!!

*******
It certainly is very possible to be a parent instead of a friend and never hit your kids.
I'll never be parent of the year (or even parent of the day) but I do think Daya is a great kid and she pretty much listens (almost always on the important stuff) and we don't have a lot of "discipline" issues. We DO communicate a whole lot and I never hit her.  I can't even consider it, not even hypothetically. I don't mind being scary but I can't stomach the thought of hurting her.

Perfecting the Terrifying-Lazer-Mom-Stare-of-the-Apocalypse is imperative.
It's ok for kids to be a little bit afraid of their parents. But not because they will get the crap beaten out of them.

Daya absolutely HATES the Terrifying Lazer-Mom glare.
I'm so good at it that several times she has stopped whatever she was doing just because she didn't want "The Look".

I am good at being non-violently scary.
Daya regularly tells me I am scary.
But I never hit her, ever, and I never will.

PLEASE DO NOT HIT YOUR CHILDREN

http://www.slideshare.net/srjojofma/positive-discipline

END RANT

EPILOGUE THOUGHTS
During the writing of this blog post Daya was in the bathroom and she knocked over the cup that has all my makeup brushes. I went in to see what happened.  It isn't worth getting mad over.  Accidents happen, it's not a big deal. Daya had to pick everything up, and when her friend goes home she has to wash all my makeup brushes.  I'll show her how and then she has to do it.  That's all.

All kids need guidance and correction in order to (hopefully) become decent human beings who are an asset to society. When I need to, I take away privileges such as electronics or computer time. Daya lost her $20 metrocard so she had to pay for it with her allowance.

If Daya starts having academic problems in school due to either skipping school or not doing her work, she knows dance will be the first thing to go. (She got a straight A report card so I am not too worried about school)

Occasionally (not often) I get REALLY MAD at Daya.
She remembers these times much better than I do.
I was furious when she lost her phone this past May. Because she didn't follow the phone rules I must have gone over about a thousand times...., (Keep your phone charged, keep it in your purse when you aren't using it)  So, yeah, I was really furious. And I said so and she sure knew it but I never even thought about hitting her.

***********
Yes is yes and no is no.
As parents we definitely need to make threats sometimes...the trick is to never make a threat you aren't willing to follow through on. And TALK to your kids.  Communicate with them in an age-appropriate way.

You CAN reason with an 8 year old.
You CANNOT reason with a toddler. They do need immediate feedback but they don't need the crap beaten out of them, ever.

*********
I had a notorious troublemaker child over once, he was acting terribly. I informed him his mother was goig to know about it.  This child (he was 7) looked me right in the face and said "What's she going to do? Smack me and yell and say not to do it again? I don't care. It's not going to work. I'll just do it again."

This was a child in desperate need of enforced boundaries.
His mother once yelled herself red in the face at him for 20 minutes about how he wasn't going on an easter egg hunt, then when he calmed down she started packing his things to go.

I said "What? You just spent 20 minutes telling him he can't go."
She said she would feel bad if he missed out.
And she regularly hit her child.
Real effective.

Then and Now

I like to take pictures of Daya in the same spots as she grows up.
For the most part, she humors me and lets me do it.
I especially insist on doing this at the museum of natural history.

March 2010

January 2016

*********

On our way to the museum last Sunday Daya was very proud of an observation she made.

                       

BC and AD.

Like dates.

I guess the present is express.

But we took the local train to the museum, which I suppose is also appropriate.

Daya is just a really cool person.  I love that she notices stuff like this.

Plunger

My friend Fran found me some-odd years ago through my blog.  Back when our kids were still in strollers.

We used to hang out in the Museum of Natural History, down in the big ocean life room under the whale. We played with play-dough and ate our kids' snacks. We had good conversations.

Amelia and Daya

Museum of Nat History

November 2008

Sometimes I would go to Harlem and hang out with Fran,  We had sleepovers.  She had a beautiful cat named Peppermint. It was fun. Fran is clever and interesting, and our kids got along well.

On one of those sleepovers, I unclogged Fran's toilet, which was old and temperamental, as many things in old NYC apartments are. I taught her how to properly use the plunger.

This was one of those defining moments of friendship.

I will plunge your toilet too,

if you are in need

Fran moved to Georgia.  I miss her a lot. But we are still friends, even though we can't hang out at the playground or museums anymore.

********
In a most bizarre coincidence a few years ago, a former co-worker (FCW) of mine also met Fran because they were living in the same neighborhood.  That would have been really fun, except that FCW and I got off to a difficult start.  FCW got very upset with me on their second day of work because while I was training them, I "didn't let them talk enough".

FCW did many very strange things that first year, including leaving their desk to work upstairs in the cafeteria every afternoon, But the weirdest was going out on medical leave for what they initially said would be less than a week, and it turned into the whole summer.  During that time they had an out-of-town guest staying with them.  Oh, and also during that time, FCW CALLED HR ON ME because they wanted to move their desk. The reason? They just didn't want to sit next to me.

No talk with our manager, no talk with me, just immediate escalation to HR while they were out of the office.

HR is obligated by law to do a full investigation, which went on for too many months. So they asked various people around the office about me.  They made inquiries. No one had anything negative to say. Finally, they asked FCW to produce an incident list of actual things I did or said to justify the case.  FCW said nothing specific had really ever happened, there was no incident list, she just had "bad feelings" about me. Since she could not produce any specific incidents of my offensive behavior (because THERE NEVER WERE ANY), the case was dropped.

At the conclusion of it all, I told our manager that I wanted FCW to know that I knew about the whole thing, because she was not aware that I knew-, my manager told me because she thought it was unfair for me to not know a case was being launched against me. She told FCW I was aware of what happened.

I had to sit next to her the whole time- for months!- and pretend I didn't know anything.

FCW never approached me to make peace, start over, apologize, nothing.

It was extremely stressful and hurtful.  And I never spoke against her to anyone else in the office.  To this day I haven't told people what happened.

*******
So, under different conditions, I would have been hanging out with Fran and FCW and we would have all been great friends.

Daya's Name

I often get asked about how Daya got her name.  It's a good story.

While I firmly believe that everyone should name their babies after me (Carey), I myself would not do that. It is much better to have someone else name their child after you.  But I was pregnant and the baby needed a name.

I certainly didn't know what to name a baby.  I did know Daya was a girl (I knew that at 2 weeks and I was correct), so I thought about girl names.  A name is a gift- it is important.  I did have certain criteria- I wanted it to begin with either a D or a J, it had to be uncommon (at least in my culture) but not obnoxious, and it had to have a good meaning.

Being completely at a loss, I decided to ask the baby what her name was.  Maybe she would tell me.  So I asked, and I waited to encounter a name- not just once, but several times. I was on alert.  And that is exactly what happened.  I encountered Daya at work, when I was doing some training.  It was the last name of the training host.  And then I heard it in my midwife's office.  And then- the Gayatri mantra found me.  The last word of the mantra is "dayat"- which is a conjugation of the Sanskrit word daya.

So, the baby's name was Daya.  I did not tell anyone her name until after she was born.  Not even her father, but he didn't care anyhow.

In Sanskrit, Daya means divine kindness and mercy.   In Hindu culture, it is a very popular name.

Daya is one of the five fundamental teachings of the Sikh religion.

It is a very powerful spiritual name.  It is her gift, and also her lesson.

Daya at the Temple of Dendur

Plein Air #19

Painting in Brooklyn again today...
I used my Vasari landscape mixes, but I wish I hadn't, as the greens are perfect for some things but were too dull for today.

I didn't want to focus on color but on composition...specifically circular composition.
6x8 oil on panel



Well, it's said that it takes 100 paintings to get a good one, 81 more to go. :D

Daya had lots of fun too.

Spring

Yesterday I had a bad headache all day, but went out painting in Central Park anyhow.
Here are the highlights:

Paintings done: 2
Hours the weather was perfect: 24
Kids peeing on the tree I stood under: 1
Hott guys who came over to watch: 1
People who asked "Is that acrylic?": 3
People who tried to touch the painting: 1

9x12 oil on panel


I took a break between paintings and went to the Met. If you go in the downstairs entrance, they will not let you put a camera tripod in the coat check. It is considered a "sensitive" item.

The guards in the main entrance upstairs agreed that was a little wacky.



I am not happy with my plein air painting, but I can't pinpoint why not. It might be an issue of style. It isn't magical, and I want it to be magical. So I am reading a few good books, and practicing as much as I can and looking at different artists' work. I would dearly love to take a workshop but don't know if I can manage that with time - it is a lot to ask my friend to watch my daughter for multiple days at a time, and I will most probably be going to London again this year for work. So I'll just do the best I can with what i have.

The park was so pretty.












Because it is Spring, and coloring eggs is fun, Daya and I made Easter bread. :)



**************
I just realized i forgot to post these from last week!
Poor neglected blog...

6x8 oil on panel

These three were painted with the Zorn palette- cadmium red light, yellow ochre, French ultramarine, ivory black, titanium white





I did this purple tree while Daya ran around in the grass. She likes it so I gave it to her. :)

Cactus Monday: Serpentine Edition

These cacti are on the third floor of the Museum of Natural History. :)



I don't remember what this thing is except that it's really big.

Wake Up and Smell the....

When Daya wakes up before me now, she quietly plays in her room until I get up.

Except on Saturday morning, she came and woke me up to tell me something in her room smelled really bad, like garbage.

You can't go back to sleep after your child says something like that, so of course I got up to investigate. I smelled nothing, so went back to bed.

later that morning:
Daya; Mommy, my room smelled really bad like garbage.
Me; Does it still smell bad?
Daya: No...
Me: Did you fart?
Daya: (thinking) Oh, yeah...
Me; Do you think that's what smelled bad?
Daya; (the lightbulb visibly goes off in her mind) Oh, YEAH!!

Cactus Monday: Funky Trees Edition

I found a supercool cactus today! HCM Cactuteers!!



And how can you not love these trees?



Daya loves this bug the very best on the Bug Carousel.

Day 22 Joy

This morning Daya was painting while i was getting ready from work. Usually she paints people out of her head, portraits of me and herself, or colors pictures in.

But today, completely on her own with no guidance from me, she decided to draw from life!! She painted her paint water cup. :)



Tonight i spent a half hour playing with my new pan pastels. It's been years since I've worked with pastels! They are fun (but dusty).

Day 7 Joy

Today I took Daya to the Museum of Natural History because she asked to go. Near the end of the day, we went to the hall of ocean life. Downstairs is a huge area where a giant model of a whale hangs from the ceiling, and a big movie screen plays images of underwater fish, waves, and the beach. It's really relaxing. Daya and I sat together watching the fish and waves.

And...!!! someone had their dog in the museum! Not a seeing eye dog, a smallish shaggy dog. The family pet. I had no idea you could do that. This wasn't the kind of dog that could be carried around in a bag...it was too big for that.

I love the museum of Nat History. We go a lot, and I renewed my membership just so I don't have to wait in the admission line. Sounds sad I know, but it really is worth it.

Starting Ballet

Daya started ballet class, so I did a little portrait.

12 x 16
Oil on Canvas

First Paint Set PRT

Of course she loves it. :)



Does anyone know how to get those stickers off the floor???

Cactus Monday: Bath Edition (PRT)

Happy Cactus Monday!

I am teaching Daya how to mix colors, and together we made this cactus:


Daya is proud of the cactus:


Here are some of Daya's recent drawings.
This one is very cute:


This one apparently is a picture of me! Daya is very specific on that point. :O


I think Daya is progressing extremely well with her drawings, and I am very proud of her. :)

HCM!!

What's Scary About the Museum?

Apparently, this guy on the second floor:



Yes, I can see why.

Daya wants to go back this weekend though, and I think that's a good idea. We'll just stay away from the second floor. She likes the animals and the dinosauurs, and of course the Discovery Room where kids can do fun things like dig up dinosaur bones and play with cool stuff. I am hoping Matt and Dru can come with us.