topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, December 27, 2007


The year is drawing to a close. It's been an odd year, a little disappointing, a little annoying, but it has been stable. And stable is what I needed. It's been the year of Signs From Above that never panned out, or were outright WRONG. (Yes I'm a bit peeved about that)

I think I need a new Spirit Guide. I'm convinced that mine took off with my muse. But I digress.

While the year was less fruitful in many ways than I thought it would be, there is still so much to be thankful for (in no particular order):

*My daughter's health
*My health
*Stable home
*Good job
*I am able to properly care for my daughter
*I am not in jail
*I am not on drugs
*I am not in the hospital
*Peaceful home
*Amazing friends
*Creative tendencies (although currently in a lag)
*Positive future outlook

I have kept a pink candle burning all year, since the first day of 2007. I'll continue that, but I'm switching to a white candle.

Same as last year, I don't set resolutions. I intend. And 2008 is the end of my "vacation" and the start of the initial stages of preparing to leave NYC. In the immediate action that means saving money, which I have not been doing at all this year. Today I chose my destination (which I'm not mentioning here yet) and I can now let the energy start building. There is still time, but now is the time to begin focusing.

So far, quite a few of the things that ***** mentioned have come to pass. There is still time for the rest that have not, so that's good. But I am making my own path, doing what I need to do for my child and myself. And we need a life upgrade.

Life is such a strange thing, and it's passing all the time, coming closer and closer to its end. The power to change is the power to grow and experience.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Pesonal Potty

Apparently a certain toddler now hates diapers... and as much as I want to wait until summer, Booger got her own Personal Potty.

So far, I think it's going very well, wouldn't you agree?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Wanted: New Muse

After reading Serena's blog it occurred to me that I need a new muse. Because mine's been gone for MONTHS and now hers is too and I bet mine was involved.

So here's my want-ad:

Wanted: A New Muse
Must be:
Reliable, consistent, loyal, inspirational, energetic, wacky, and open-minded. Muse must have a propensity towards the visual arts and especially oils. Knows how to regulate inspirational flow at just the right speed. Computer skills and mad scientist tendencies a good plus.

Must not:
Take vacations longer than 2 weeks at a time (or at least check in and let me know!!), be flaky, have bad ideas, forget that they are my muse (dammit!), fall asleep on the job, leave things unfinished, or have a passion for sewing.

Please apply in dreams or in the aluna.

Thanx a million.
Hugs and kisses,

Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Lobotomy

Last night I gave my computer a lobotomy.

See, even though I purchased this computer and Windows brand new from HP, I had a bad system crash in early 2006. The guy who saved my computer had to wipe the drive and reinstall everything. Trouble was he installed a bootleg version of Windows XP professional, when I was supposed to have a genuine copy of XP Home.

Time passed. My system wasn't running properly and I couldn't do any updates due to the bootleg version. Then I lost a bunch of accessories, like the volume control. So, the inevitable. Of course I never had XP install disks, so I got some from HP. And I figured, since I had to start from scratch anyhow why not get a new hard drive too. Because between both my hard drives I was running out of space.

Last night was the lobotomy. I was really nervous about switching out a hard drive because they're fairly delicate (the static thing). But it worked!! Except for the fright I got when I realized I left my old C drive in instead of the backup hard drive where all my data was...when i swapped out the correct drive everything worked!

And still works!

Today was spent updating software, finding and installing updated drivers, everything. My system is running so much better. And my new hard drive?

400 gigs!!!!


I took Friday off and went for a massage. I wish massages weren't so expensive, because they sure are awesome. If you have the opportunity to get a massage with hot stones, don't hesitate. It's just beyond awesome.

Afterwards I went to my favorite Japanese restaurant- one I've been going to for years. It was my spot to go, have a quiet meal by myself with a glass of plum wine and a good book. I miss being able to do that more often...........

Thursday, November 29, 2007

New Word

Daya suprised me the other night by saying something she's never said before, and doesn't hear, either.

Apparently she saw a special kids' show on fire trucks. We were walking down Queens Blvd and she saw a truck. She tried to say fire truck.

But it did not come out quite right.......


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Rainbow Room

Oh my god.

The FOOD was AMAZING. Oh my god the FOOD.....
The view was AMAZING. Seriously, unimaginable.
The drinks were...well... I'm not much of a drinker but every time -insert company name here- has a party I'm still drunk the next morning. I asked around and found out our party was $300 per person.

(Yes I can still walk a straight line. Barely, but I can.)

The party ended at 9. I left around 10:30.

Oh, if you are ever in NYC do yourself a favor and go to the Rainbow Room. It's worth the money, I promise you.

I'm not a person who is much impressed by glamour. I do not seek it, nor do I relish it. But tonight was COOL.

As much as I hate it, I deeply love New York City. One day I will leave it, and on that day I will rejoice. But I know this city will always be in my heart. It is a part of me. I have lived more than half my life here. In this place I have experienced the bottom and the top of life. It is true you can find anything here.

I am in a definite period of my life, a chapter, a stage of my life, which will end sooner than I can blink.

So I will enjoy it to the fullest extent while I can, because each today is only a memory.

But really, if you can get over to the Rainbow Room, do it.

A Wonderful Friend

Tonight is my company's holiday party. I usually avoid company holiday parties, but this year I have to go.

Because it's at the Rainbow Room, and tonight is also the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Center. The coolness factor is just...well, cool. And I've never been to the Rainbow Room.

My friend Mary is watching Daya tonight, and she just called me and said wouldn't it be easier if Daya just spent the night there? I am not arguing with that.

Especially since I spent most of my school years as a social outcast I take friendship really seriously. I'm always touched when someone does something kind.

Monday, November 26, 2007

8 Happy Things

Julie tagged me, so I'm going to do her meme because I like Julie and I also like the number 8.

So here goes, 8 happy things about me:

1. Pencils with green erasers make me happy.
2. So does pistachio pudding and/or ice cream.
3. Tea makes me very, very happy.
4. My wacky toddler.
5. Oil paint...everything about it.
6. Succulent plants.
7. God(dess) makes me happy.
8. Taking a nice hot bath or shower and crawling into bed with freshly washed sheets.


Sunday, November 25, 2007

I'm here, I really am...

I haven't posted for a few reasons.

Daya had her second birthday. Which needs its own special post so I'll do that...with pictures.

The real reason I haven't posted is because my sister got me completely addicted to the Tomb Raider Anniversary game, which is very good and I highly recommend it. Great game that doesn't have violence as its reason for existence.

So let's see...other things to say...I seem to have lost my painting groove for the last month or so...just can't get into it. :(

On Friday I made a wonderful pumpkin pie from fresh pumpkin...and I have to make more pies because I have a lot of pumpkin left. Things could be a lot worse. :)

Oh, and I have to reinstall Windows XP at some point soon. :(

Daya hates diapers but will pee on the floor.

Washable markers do not come off walls easily.

Here are some pictures, becaue they are more interesting than anything I currently have to say.

Oh, and thanks Julie for checking in!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Stuff # 3

Today's Toddler Mayhem. (Don't worry, there's not a picture of the earlier pee puddle on the floor.)

This is what toddlers do to clean floors: (aside from peeing on them)

Toddler Fashion Sense:

Stuff # 2

Last weekend I went shopping. Anyone with a little kid (or kids) knows how crappy it is to go shopping with them in tow.

I had mine in tow.

The boogerish behaviour of the mentioned child knocked me just a little off-kilter and I left my wallet at Sears. I discovered that the weight in my pocket that I assumed was my wallet was a sippy cup. At the checkout in the grocery store. With a line behind me. Oh shit.

Of course your life flashes before you when your wallet is missing. Luckily (thank you to everyone who answered my prayer!*) I got my wallet- according to the girl at the Sears checkout, the woman behind me turned it in. They gave it to the guys in the office. Nothing was stolen.

On Thursday I got a call from American Express...someone tried to put a charge through on my corporate Amex for over $7,000!! The vendor? Sears Online. I think one of the guys in the office there copied my card...and what else did they copy??? I'm on alert.

*I have a special Sign from the Universe that is basically a "You are taken care of all is well you aren't alone" kind of thing. For many years I have experienced it, always when I simply need it, or if I ask for an answer to something. It's highly unique and obvious but I'll never tell anyone what it is. My Sign came when I was waiting in the checkout line, right before I discovered the missing wallet. So I guess someone was watching out after all. Thanks!

Stuff # 1

I'm behind with posting. So here's the catch up:

Hallowwen. It was fun.

Friday, November 09, 2007


Where did you go? Your blog is gone and I miss you!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I love Samhain (pronounced SOW-en). Today is Samhain, the Celtic Day of the Dead. The New Year. It's my favorite time of year, actually. Of course we had fun.

I'm too tired to write so here are some pics instead. Oh, I painted the kid. As in I applied paint (gouache!) to the kid's face. Hey, I paint everything else, so painting her was just a matter of time.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Little Blue Spark

My 30s are off to a *swimmingly* good start!

This morning I didn't wake up in time to go to work...oops. Apparently I turned my alarm off in my sleep, the cat didn't wake me, and the child slept in from being up late last night. So I woke up three minutes before I absolutely had to leave. But, thankfully I had my computer at home so was able to just work from home today.

I was very counter-productive.

Because I really do have quite a bit of actual work to do, I wanted to, well, do it. When I work from home sometimes I put a dvd on to listen to. My drive isn't working. And it's less than a year old. And it was a little bit expensive. Bummer. So making a long story short I opened my computer to make sure the drive really was the problem, which it is. And when I was testing it, I plugged in the power supply to the dvd drive while the computer was turned on, thereby earning my rightful title as Queen of Deliberate Stupidity.

There was a little blue spark. Only a little one, but it blew out the whole power supply.

The helpful person at Best Buy scared me very much by telling me that I may have also blown the motherboard. So I started praying earnestly and sincerely. And I gave Best Buy $80.

When I got home, I installed the new power supply. Turned the computer on- nothing.
Then I remembered the little switch at the back of the new power supply, and flipped it. Everything is happy again.

I've had this hope, this wish, that as I grow in life experience I would somehow cease to be prone to doing stupid things. This seems not to be the case. I can understand doing new stupid things; situations I have never before encountered. That's ok. But obvious stupid things? I don't even know what to say, except thanks that it wasn't a whole lot worse.

Below is a picture of my computer's guts, pre-Deliberate Stupidity.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Happy Today To Me

I'm 30 today.

For my 30th birthday, I went to work. Then I brought work home, for probably the third time this year. Oh well.

Then my sister called me an Old Hag which made me sad 'cause maybe she's right but then I felt better because there was a gift certificate involved. :)

Now it's almost 10 and I have a headache, I'm too tired to make dinner, it's my bedtime and Daya just woke up.

Hey, I think I'm off to a great start!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Mostly Happy

It doesn't take very much to make a nice evening.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Mostly 30

Next week I’ll be 30. Over the past four months or so, I’ve been going through a strange sort of major life review. And I’ve been in a down cycle for about a month now, which is extremely crappy. I can’t even paint- last weekend I started a quick oil, but I just couldn’t get into it.

So, 30. For my 30th birthday I had a very good astrologer read my chart for the next year. Actually the reading was extremely insightful and almost all of the aspects she mentioned from my natal chart were dead-on accurate. It also gave me deep insight into a very bad problem which has been plaguing me for my whole entire life, so hopefully now that I have a bit more clarity I can learn to deal with it a little better.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Quick Funny

I have a cold. :(

So I went to the drugstore.

There was a Sikh looking at the hair dye. For quite a long time.

I thought that was just hilarious.

(Sheiks are those Punjabis who wear turbans.)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Outsourced Call Centers

Am slightly behind on blogging over the past few days. Sorry. Sorry Janeen, I haven't gotten to your tag yet either.

Right now this very immediate second I want to talk about outsourced call centers to India. And what I would like to say about them is that I DO NOT LIKE THEM. It's got nothing to do with the people who answer the phones, or India herself, but every. single. time. I am routed to India they are very polite but generally clueless. I have zero confidence in them, and unfortunately I'm proven correct time and time again.

My very favorite outsourced call center experience was when I booked airline tickets, and after carefully explaining and re-confirming all the minute details of a three day trip, my return ticket was booked two months later than my requested return date. I found this out at the check-in counter when I went home. My name was also spelled wrong. It took them two different attempts to get it right.

My second favorite outsourced call center experience was when the bank ran a check I wrote through the system for the wrong amount. I called to request a refund/adjustment. After carefully explaining the situation in the clearest terms I could think of (and I am a trainer by profession; I know how to present material) the extremely polite person on the other end thought it was a deposit that was incorrect.

Just now I called asking about a suspicious bank fee, and the overly-polite person on the other end started reading (yes, reading) to me a blurb about average minimum balance, which I know for a fact does not apply to this situation. Tomorrow morning I'll go to the branch.

Ok, so outsourcing to India is cheaper, but at the cost of people who understand what is going on and can actually service customers?

End of rant.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Macrobiotic Fried Cheese

Yolanda was very upset with me over my loving mention of fried cheese a few posts ago. She has a point. Actually, if everyone was as wonderful and conscious about eating healthy like Yolanda is, we'd all look like her and she's gorgeous. So what she says really does matter. I should listen to her where food is concerned.

I would hereby like to say that fried cheese is probably not the healthiest thing one could willingly consume, but it's saving grace is that it's really, really yummy.

So I would hereby like to present to Yolanda an apology covered with this fall's harvest of fresh fruit topped with raw honey and homemade granola. Hmmm... that sounds really good. (and fruit and cheese go well together!)

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Oh! Stinks!

Daya's in the beginning phases of being ready to be potty trained, I think. She tells me when she's pooped ("OH!! *STINKS*!! POOOOOOOPY!"). Actually, every time I change her diaper she has to sniff it and inform me "OH!! STINKS!!" I'm trying to teach her "pee", since everything is still poopy.

But while "OH!! STINKS!!" is actually very cute and endearing, she has now discovered something less cute and endearing. Now, for three mornings in a row, when I take her diaper off she pees on the floor.

This morning I told her to wait while I cleaned up (which she did!). Then I got her dressed and she was playing with her books. After I did her hair, I got her attention, pointed to the floor where she had peed, and said "No Pee Floor." I did not expect her to immediately burst into tears and lay face down on the floor. She was really upset, which made me feel bad. But maybe it will stop this little habit....

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Trudge Trudge

I just realized writing that title what a strange word "trudge" is. Anyhow.

For the last week or so I haven't been feeling so great in general. Inside not-great. I'm tired. It happens and it will pass. I feel outside everything, doing the things I have to do in order to take care of myself and Daya. The city and peoples' meanness drains me and makes me sad, sometimes. I want to go home, to a place I vaguely remember in subtle feelings.

Yesterday I got an email from a friend of mine, who I think has been in recent contact with the X. He suddenly wants to talk to me about stuff, in his words he's "very, very curious" about how I dealt with the aftermath of the relationship, and how I "suffered needlessly". I will not talk about this with him, because I don't want to, because it's so far in the past, because I've moved on, because it's none of his business.

That last bit, the "needless suffering" is directly from the X. I feel a vague, gauzy anger thinking about it and even reading it. He thinks I suffered needlessly in my reaction because I have feelings, as if that was a spiritual deficiency.

The complex understanding and insight I have over this cannot be relayed- it's one of those kinds of knowledge that the more you know about it, the less you can speak about it. And that's fine with me.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Loving Evil

CNN has a photo on their front page of one of the unidentified girls in that sex tape. She looks like she's 6 or 7 years old. Her face, the eyes. I can't look at it.

In all the fantasy stories and fairy tales evil is blatant and always looks a certain way; easily recognizeable. It appears as ugly and scary as it is. Those people that do things to little children, they look normal in the street more often than not. We do not fear them in the street as they walk by. Our society is full of pretty things that are evil.

Spiritually speaking we are supposed to love those who cause horrible pain to us and others. Even the child molesters. A tough lesson. That's the secret to not being poisoned. Feeling angry, hating, participating in any way just spreads the sickness, the evil- it goes right into your heart and makes you sick. But still, looking at that child's face, knowing where she was at the time and what she was going through, makes me want to throw up. I am far more susceptible to sadness than anger.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Just Some Ramblings

This evening on the walk to Breck's studio I wondered whether people might value each other more if there weren't so damn many of us everywhere. That statement is obviously biased towards NYC, or any large city or crowd for that matter. Lately I've been thinking about basic hospitality in different cultures. Community ties between people. Goodwill.

In all of the old fairy tales I've been reading lately, people often wish each other well as a matter of course, give lodging and food to strangers on the road, and overall seem simpler to each other. I like the language of the old tales. These things had to have originated in the culture of the time. For example, in Old Norse culture hospitality was one of their most noble virtues. If someone landed on your doorstep in winter they'd be with you ALL winter, as a matter of accepted course. In return they would leave valuable gifts with the host.

More and more I am growing tired in the city. In some ways it's good that I'm here because I can see a contrast of what is and what I do not want to be. I strive for a peaceful, quiet life- at a much slower pace than what is around me. While I do crave community- true community- I also don't want to have to be obligated to fit into a group collective. It's a strange and lonely place to be. I want my environment, the energy soup I walk around in, to match what I strive for internally.

I don't know where I am going. The other night before I went to sleep I asked for a dream pointing me to a good place to move. I dreamed of Phoenix AZ, and I kid you not, in my dream I thought, "Well, at least it would be easy to grow stapeliads there," Then I looked up Phoenix, knowing nothing about it, and it so completely does NOT resonate with the kind of place I want to go to. What's up, universe?

So I'm drifting. Drifting through a desert period, it seems. Waiting for the changes that I know must inevitably come in their own time.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Friday Morning

Early this morning I had a dream that my cat died. Which made me really really really sad. But then in the dream she came back to life. That was much better but I still felt sad.

Then Daya woke me up a little before 6:30 because her crib was all wet, and it wasn't from the sippy cup. Totally my fault, because I didn't put her shorts on over her diaper and she took it off. I know she takes her diaper off, and I have absolutely no good reason for not putting on her shorts. *sighs* her sheets were just changed, too.

Tonight is Friday night. I think I will go home and fry some cheese and have a glass of wine. Oh, is today the equinox or did that happen already? Or is it tomorrow? Well, it's soon. Happy Mabon. Say a thank-you prayer and go fry some cheese.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Bus From Boca Chica

The trip was favorite part was leaving the resort with the girls from the gift shop and going to the barrio in Boca Chica. Apparently people here think I'm crazy for doing that but I intuitively knew it was safe, and I did ask for a sign that all was well. So no worries there. Maybe I am a bit loca, who knows.

Enjoy the bus ride from Boca Chica to Juan Dolio. Turn your sound on for the music.


The Bus From Boca Chica from flavopurpurea on Vimeo.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

La Playa y El Mar

I came back from the Dominican Republic yesterday late afternoon and I actually went to work today. My brain shut down at about 2pm and...oh, I'm here blogging.

What, you didn't know I left? Sorry, forgot to mention it! I was gone for 5 days.

While the videos are uploading here are some pictures because I'm too tired and incoherent to write anything much.

Quickie Summary:

*Questionable food translations
*Three marriage proposals
*1 crab on the porch
*Crashed another resort
*Spent 1 night with the locals in the barrio
*Learned that roosters crow all night
*We are so goddamned fortunate here
*beautiful people and hospitality
*the bus in DR is very different from NYC buses!
*awesome food
*awesome beach
*I didn't get sick at all!

More later.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


Ok, so I have a creepy situation here.

Two nights ago I decided, after a few months of hiatus, to resume my nightly gratitude meditation which consists of a simple chant.

I use my mala beads to time the meditation. The first night, at just about the halfway point in the meditation, my clock radio went off loudly for just a second. Except that it wasn't set or even turned on.

Last night THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED. At the exact same point in the meditation.

It scared me.

Tonight I'm going to try again and see if it happens. I'm a little creeped out. It just seems so...deliberate. And I have no idea why, but it's too obvious to be a random thing.

Mini-series Finale

I would like to stress the Mini part of mini-series. And I did, after all, promise drama.

Um, I thought this didn't look too good, and I was right. No more bud. Sad.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

September Mini-Series

I cordially invite you to join me for a special September mini-series.

The drama!
The excitement!!
The suspense!!!

What could possibly be so riveting, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. My Stapelia Gigantea has buds! I really am excited. Because I am a geek. (Note to bud: Please don't shrivel and die. Love and kisses, J)

These flowers are about the size of a dinner plate, and before they open they turn into really cool pods. They're hairy and striped and...

...Then they open and stink up the whole room. Powerfully foul flowers. If I remember correctly they take about a month to grow and open.

So here we go. The Plant:

See the bud? Here's a close-up:

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Pigeon Risk: A Success

There are five days left of Pigeon Risk Time (PRT) and it worked, but not the way I thought it would. See, the Bad August Things all still happened, but PRT buffered the effects in such a way that I remained relatively unaffected.

For example:

* I previously mentioned that I wasn't getting child support anymore. For 2 months- July and August. The strange thing is that the checks were sent, I just never got them. They both mysteriously appeared in my bookshelf earlier this week. So I missed 2 checks coming in at separate times in the mail (and they're easily recognizable; I never miss them), AND both were on the bottom shelf of my bookcase, which I am constantly cleaning because Daya always unpacks it. Very strange.

*The Washington Mutual ATM ate my debit card. My bank decided to issue no less than three replacement cards with the wrong name on them. I changed my name three years ago and have since replaced the card with nary a problem. After 2 attempts at the branch and one mailed card, they finally got it right on the exact day I *really* needed the card.

*The building super told me I had no account for gas with Keyspan. I thought I had been paying the gas with the electric through ConEdison, like I have been doing for years. Had PRT not been in effect, I probably would have owed them almost $100, but as it stands the account is fine and I don't owe them anything, I'll just pay going forward.

*And this latest...just tonight...I thought I had lost all of my photos of Daya for all of 2007. Seriously, I wanted to throw up I was so upset. They were all just gone, nowhere to be found. If you ever set up a new profile and mess with the permissions, and then discover some of your files are completely gone even though the folders are there, reset your permissions for full access for ALL profiles and your files will come back. My heart is still recovering from that.

And here's a picture just because.

Needles in Haystacks

It seems that I have an ability to find needles in haystacks. It's kind of cool, actually. Years ago when I worked on the trade dispute desk for (X brokerage firm) I had to call the order room constantly. They put me on hold a lot. As hokey as this sounds, there was a lovely oboe piece I grew fond of, possibly because it's a nice piece, possibly because I heard it so much.

It took me about 4 years of on and off searching, but I did eventually find it. Herr Mozart, of course. No wonder I liked it.

This summer brought me another challenge. When I was 7 or 8, I had a book containing a few fairly tales of which I was very fond. It was beautifully illustrated. When we moved, my mother (who never throws anything out) got rid of the book. Now I cannot remember why, but a few weeks ago I decided to search for this book. I did not know the title, author, anything about it really, except for a vague recollection of what it looks like and some details of a story or two.

And I found it. This is very exciting. It will arrive from the UK in a week or so.

Magic Everywhere by Miriam Huber

Ratfest 2007

I used to keep pet rats. I miss them. Six years ago, I teamed up with another rat owner in the region and together we started the NorthEast Ratfest, where a bunch of rat people gather for the weekend and have a lot of fun. The last 2 years I missed ratfest, but I co-hosted again this year and as always we had a blast. I did portraits this year and managed to cover te costs of the trip. Seeing everyone again was so wonderful. Spending a weekend with wacky people you've known for a long time and love a lot is always a blessing.

I call this Rat Butt Font:

Here I am doing portraits:

And here is the cake I made:

Sunday, August 12, 2007


Apparently, I'm nice.

If you don't believe me just ask Serena. I didn't even have to bribe her or anything.

Thanks Serena!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Happy Pigeon Risk!

I must say, PRT has gotten off to a FINE start.


Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Get Ready...

...for Pigeon Risk Time (PRT)!

It's all explained HERE.

So now I'm all psyched about PRT. I only have 10 more days of being destitute-ly broke, then it gets better! YAY!

I think that Pigeon Risk will be a good time, lots of fun. You should join us, we're non-exclusive.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Verdict

My iPod has a dead logic board. It can be fixed, but it's not worth the cost. If I wait a few more weeks I can upgrade to a newer model with more storage, and repairing my old one would cost just under half of what it will cost for replacement.

So bad luck does seem to run in threes, and I've run my course.
In the past few months, I've had to replace my camera, my cellphone, and my iPod. Interestingly, all three were liquid-related injuries, though in the case of the cellphone the bathtub was empty; had it been full I think the phone would have been ok.

Good bye, iPod.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Sand Dunes

Serena, thanks for reminding me to post this!

Oil on Canvas
24 x 30 in

Sunday, July 22, 2007

15 Hours, 36 Minutes

That's the time it took me to get through all 759 pages of the last Harry Potter Book.
The time includes a large number of toddler interruptions.


Tuesday, July 17, 2007


After rinsing out my ipod and letting it dry, then feeling discouraged as it showed no signs of life, the thing came back to life. But the click wheel still doesn't work. So, I sent it for a free repair estimate.

The wheel of sticky.

*sighs* I miss my morning subway meditations.

Monday, July 16, 2007


My iPod might not be dead.....I'm saying a few prayers.

This morning it turned on, even sync'd. But the click wheel didn't work. I figured the apple juice made things sticky, and since the thing wasn't working anyhow, I rinsed it out a little.

The stupid part may have been plugging it in. I'll give it a few days to dry out, and maybe it's even worth repairing. MAYBE it'll even work on it's own, things I've read online are very encouraging. Except the plugging in part.

I miss my iPod but at the same time it's life and I can't get too upset about it.

Blah Blah Blah

I've really been feeling BLAH lately. Tired. Very tired. The condition of being BROKE has a little to do with it, I think...and wouldn't you know, a leaky sippy cup killed my iPod yesterday.

I cannot afford to replace it for a whole month. A whole MONTH. And I liked my iPod. A basic 4G 20 gig. Nothing fancy. It suited me very well.

Summer just isn't my favorite time of year. I'm really looking forward to the cold weather so I can wear my black boots and take hot baths and have my friends over for homemade soup.

Oh, and also, the few coins that get thrown my way for child support have stopped being thrown. Not good timing...that tiny bit wouldn't have come amiss this month.

Last week I did manage to finish a painting, it came out ok, I'll post a pic later.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Odd One Out

I'm very fortunate that Daya has such an awesome sitter. She has really incorporated into the family there.

But sometimes I feel like the odd one out. I think that there is a good possibility that Daya knows more Spanish than English. She loves being around the other kids there. She even looks like them, much more than she looks like me. Daya's too young to notice anything now, or care, but I hope it doesn't create distance between us when she gets older.

On Poverty

I want to preface this post by saying I am neither unaware of nor insensitive to issues of poverty and hunger in third world countries.

Some reactions and thoughts have been flying around in my mind since Friday.
The very nice person I went to dinner with is originally from Egypt. The conversation turned to poverty and living conditions, hunger, etc that exist in Egypt and other countries.

This conversation made me realize that I'm actually tired of hearing about it. Not because I don't care- because I do- but when I was married this issue was shoved in my face and I'm only now becoming aware of my resentment, because it caused so much imbalance and restriction in my life and my mind. Once when I carved a pumpkin for Halloween I got a whole lecture about how it was a waste of food and could feed a whole family. When I fasted for spiritual reasons I got a reaction of "you can choose not to eat, others don't have that choice." My decision to not eat meat was met with "Only the wealthy can choose what to eat and what not to eat. Your choice to not eat something is a luxury." At the time, I lived with a superimposed attitude from the ex that we shouldn't partake in anything while others went without. Meanwhile, my roof was caving in, there wan't enough to go around just to support the household's basic needs. But I didn't want to be selfish.

While I respect the struggles and hardships that growing up in poverty inevitably brings, I also do not think it makes a person noble. It does not invalidate the challenges that the non-poverty people face. Nor do I think that any of us should feel guilty for what we have, because others don't have it. Not taking things for granted and gratitude are essential, but that's another thing altogether.

Where am I going with this? Not sure, but's been floating around in my head. I need a change from that focus. Does that make me selfish? No, I don't think so. It means I am focused on learning how to live the life that was given to me with gratitude and appreciation and awareness of the plights of others. The truth is that I am powerless to stop world hunger, poverty, and war.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Ask Questions, Get Answers, Be Confused

Last night before I went to sleep I asked for an answer to a question about something I've been holding onto for while now...and holding on with very good reason. Before I went to sleep last night I changed my candle. The first thing I noticed this morning was this:

That's never happened before. I do take symbols around me seriously, especially if I ask for a specific sign about a specific question. So this leaves me wondering if something changed.

Anyhow, I had a date last night. I approached it with very neutral feelings. He was a very nice guy, great conversation, interesting person. I'm not feeling the chemistry though, but I'm not surprised because I'm just not easily attracted to people in general. What is wrong with me, I wonder. Perhaps I'm just not in a place of romance. I wouldn't mind going out with him again but at the same time I don't want to lead him on to think that I'm interested in a way that I'm not.

So confusing two candle wicks from last weekend that could be seen as a great portent to something I'm just not feeling and don't think will change, the burnt out brand new candle this morning regarding something I can't talk about but wish I could...I'm confused.

Though all this is coming from the perspective that everything around us is symbolic in some way, speaking to us, reflections of us, I'm also open to the idea that it all means squat.

Friday, July 06, 2007

The Swimsuit Actually Still Fits

Last Year:

This Year:

You weren't really expecting a picture of me, were you?

Thursday, July 05, 2007


Despite my good and sincere intentions, there is something I am apparently incapable of, as much as I wish I could.

I cannot wake up earlier than I absolutely must. Even though those early hours of the morning are so nice. I could paint regularly. Meditate in silence. Be toddler-free. Last night I was determined to get on a new schedule...but I failed miserably.

These days I'm struggling with frustration. Daya's really starting to turn into Interfering Toddler. I moved all of her stuff from my area into her room. But I'm really frustrated with her getting into everything of mine. Over and over. There is no space that she doesn't get into. Pulling stuff off shelves, pulling towels down, and I find that more and more I crave order. She un-does everything in a second.

I almost evicted her from her room. I still might, I haven't decided. Of course I love my child- there's no question about that, but some days I don't want to be a mom.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

East of Ginger Trees

I always considered myself to be a spiritual person, and that is definitely true.
But, once again, I'm in the process of re-evaluating myself and figuring it all out again. The process never ends.

Sometimes I get very discouraged by it all, the odds don't seem to be in my favor. But if nothing else, I'll learn something.

Very soon I'll be finishing the painting that's on my easel. The energy is building; I do wish it would build faster, or perhaps that I wasn't so lazy...blogging when I could be painting. Daya is asleep after all. I wish Linseed Oil came as a room freshener scent. I did put some in my fragrance burner once, but it didn't work.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Two Wicks

The newest candle I put on yesterday has 2 wicks. Never seen that before.

Very interesting, especially because I have a date on Friday.

Friday, June 29, 2007

The Very Good Soup

I have a stuffy nose.

And I'm also momentarily, though very, broke.

Ceyenne pepper is good for stuffy noses. So last night I rifled through the kitchen finding interesting things with which to make a soup. That's economical, so it's good when you're broke. I love soup, and I make it year round.

My soup came out so wonderfully, and I never would have made it if I wasn't broke with a stuffy nose. So it proves that adverse circumstances can be beneficial.

Here is my very good soup, blogged here so I don't forget it.

(No measurements, everything measured to taste)
Veg stock
lots of Sofrito
chopped onion
chopped potatoes
chopped carrots
big spoonful minced garlic
cayenne pepper
frozen shrimp
tiny bit of salt

throw it all together and simmer for a half hour.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Whose Job Is It?

I have just had a wonderful conversation with someone in the corporate restroom.
She told this story:

She and a male co-worker were in a meeting with another male co-worker. He left the room for a moment, and the two immediately started a serious battle over who had to tell him that his zipper was down.

Methinks that's definitely the man's job.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Solstice etc

Last night was the summer solstice...the longest day of the year. From now on, the days slowly but surely get shorter, bringing us back into the sleepy time of year. I know where I was last year's solstice, the year before, the year before that, and so on. Years ago in different places, sometimes walking with company that was appreciated at the time.

I celebrated the solstice by lighting a bunch of candles and enjoying the thunderstorm and rain.

To be honest, I'm not where I thought last year that I'd be at this time. I can't help but wonder about next year's summer solstice. The world is fast changing, with more to come. The streets are scary, with hostility flying around from all directions. It makes people insane. The normality of yesterday and today is fast becoming tomorrow's nostalgia.

The law of energy states that like energy attracts like energy, but I seem to attract none at all, what does that mean?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Tomorrow brings us into the summer solstice. The longest day of the year. After tomorrow, the days get shorter as we move back into the dark part of the year.

Daya vs the Lemon

Daya eats a lemon from flavopurpurea on Vimeo

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Third Time

I've sort of had this sense lately that I've bunked my life up.

I always wondered why I seem to attract and gravitate towards the Spiritually Weird, and maybe there is a point to it, or purpose, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm thinking it is more because of bad decisions, and the ways things seem to link in progression are just because of making the same bad decisions.

My life has been lived in separate chapters, one ends and another begins. Very clear-cut. I'm now in the third stage of my adult life after college. Now I am starting out on another leg of my spiritual quest, to discover whatever it is that I need to discover, learn, and do for the times that approach, what I've known about since...I don't even know since when. In this lifetime I am very much a Student. My attempts to learn have always turned out to be dark and scary and demonic...but I learned a lot and came out ok in the end (I think...), so I think maybe this time I'll be ok too, whatever happens. Third time's a charm, maybe?

Monday, June 18, 2007

Potty Power...?

Netflix sent me Potty Power.

Although it's still kind of early, I sat Daya down. Just to give her a few ideas. Start the process. Eerily, the girl on Potty Power not only has my name, but she also looks a lot like me. Thankfully, I don't sing like her though.

Daya was enraptured for about 18 minutes of the 30 minute video. She was totally into it, fascinated by the talking toilet paper, everything. Then she suddenly got bored and went on to other things.

And the only thing that Potty Power has accomplished is that now Daya likes to drink toilet water.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Just some stuff

I haven't been on here for a bit because I've just had nothing to say. Today I'm feeling very bad, hurt, but I don't want to talk about it or write about it, save to say that that's how I am feeling. It may take a few days but I'll get over it, and in the meantime observe it. I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of nothing but that's just where I am right now.

I have this crazy inner child who gets to run amok more often than she should. I've got a lot of work to do with her, and how I'm feeling right now most probably has to do with her and inner child processing/interpretation etc. For no logical reason I can launch into feeling hurtfully rejected over nothing. Case in point: Last week an author that I wanted to see was having a book signing in the evening. I wanted to go, for no reason other than I could. I went home after work, collected Daya, and went. I thought Daya might start winding down, as she hadn't slept all day and her bedtime was fast approachng. She wasn't cranky but she was definitely awake, being curious in the way toddlers are. Anyhow, I was in the back of the room, listening to the author and quietly entertaining Daya, who honestly wasn't being loud or noisy at all. (another woman had a baby who would cry now and then) A lady in the audience asked me to take Daya out of the room, and I complied immediately, beause I'm all into respecting people, especially when little kids are involved. And there was nothing wrong with her politely asking me to leave. But somehow, illogically, it translated to some part of me as leave, you're not wanted here, a rejection. A totally wrong reaction on my part, but it was there so I observed it. No amount of logic and sensibility helped.

I think what I'm feeling now is in the same vein, although a different situation entirely.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Bitch Goddess

I had my voice lesson last night, and there's always an hour or so between my lesson and when I get off work. During this hour I like to walk around the city and just enjoy everything. There was a poster on a bus stop for a new tv show out called In Dog We Trust or someting like that. It got me thinking about how things are fed to humanity backwards, as Stuie suggests (and which makes sense). Dog, of course, is God backwards. The cliche for Dog is man's best friend. I think that fits God pretty perfectly, too. But the most interesting thng which came at me in a flash was bitch. Which of course is a female dog. Goddess backwards. And how it's an insult in vernacular language, to call someone that. Degrading, derrogatory. It's just an interesting observation about the whole yang imbalance and how it reflects in our language. Very much in the same vein as Witch.

In certain rather violent street cultures the word bitch is routinely used to refer to a woman. This degradation of women- of the feminine- look at the violence and hate that emerges without Her soft touch.

Bendy Straws

Because Daya is a toddler she is constantly in awe and wonder at eveything in the world. Her latest New Thing is juice boxes. And straws.

I'm quite glad abut the juice box thing- they are so easy to travel with.

This morning she howled for a while...I think...because she wanted her toothbrush and I have no idea where it is. She's such a perfect angel around oher people, and I get most of the yelling and tantrums.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Today in the news one of the top headlines is Cindy Sheehan's withdrawal from the peace movement. In the article in CNN it is mentioned that she camped outside Bush's ranch in Crawford TX, and he ignored her. That's sad. How much effort would it have been for him to take 2 seconds and just acknowledge her and express sympathy for her loss? In other words, to be a human for about 30 seconds. Compassion.

Compassion should be a requirement in leadership. But I'm not writing to speak about politics; I digress.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has a fabulous quote about peace: "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

One day maybe we'll get there as a species. In the meantime, I'll work on maintaining peace and calm in my own tiny corner of existence.

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Stinky Ghost

I think there was a ghost in my apartment last night. I think it followed me home from the subway. I don't know much of anything about ghosts, as I've only seen one once. But I think I had one.

On the subway coming home the car smelled bad. No suprise. Normal. But then I walked into my apartment and...well, nothing in my apartment smells like THAT. It smelled like a sweaty person who drank too much beer. And it moved around.

I talked to it, told it that if it had negative intent it had to leave. And it had to tell me what it wanted. I told it that it couldn't loiter. Unfortunately I said that last bit out loud in the hallway, facing into my apartment, on the way to pick up Daya. I didn't realize the neighbor was in the hallway.


So, Stinky hung around all evening annoying me with its smell. Right before I went to bed I told it that it had to leave becasue I just couldn't take the smell and I'm not a medium, so please go find one.

This morning the smell was completely gone.

Powerful Intention

Remember my elephant neighbors?

My intention to stop the noise with a positive outcome worked.

There is a 2 bedroom next door to me. The people who lived there got a house and it's a really good living situation for them and their kids. So, my noisy neighbors are taking that apartment and will no longer be living above me. And everyone is happy.


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tuning In

It's now the third day after my conference in Las Vegas. I'll write about it in bits and pieces. I'm feeling a difference- more in touch, less cloudy. I'm still having some sort of issue with my heart chakra, but I suppose that'll resolve itself in due time as well.

Anyhow. It seems I have finally gotten to the source of my agitation at work. I've absorbed too much of someone else's tension. My very nice co-worker who sits directly next to me, facing me. I dislike the setup at work; it's too open and close-quarters for my comfort. But I've been wondering why I've been so irritable, especially towards a certain person, when they've done nothing wrong and certainly don't deserve such a response from me. They do face me, and they do throw a lot of energy (unknowingly). They are tense often, very full of mental activity, and they project it. Unfortunately, my placement puts me directly in the line of fire.

On Monday, thankfully, I was able to work in isolation- a good thing because I was still so open from the weekend. I did some cleansing, and actually shielded for the first time in years. It worked tremendously. I felt the difference today, when I had to be at my desk all day.

On a totally different note, my home needs more light. I'm getting the message loud and clear to fix it, and how. My apartment, while a nice space, does not have good light or air flow. I'm working on it.


I've been gone for a long time, I know. I was feeling in a bit of a funk for a while and just didn't feel like writing...then I got super busy at work and went to Vegas to see Stuart Wilde. Great trip. I'm still tired though. A nap wouldn't be out of place right now.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The Stuff of Thursday

1. I have 12 projects in my queue at work. TWELVE. (Well, you might ask, shouldnt't you be doing them instead of blogging? You're absolutely right.)

2. HAPPY. I have found a way to stop Daya from getting vaccinations and still be legal. Vaccines are, IMHO, bad bad bad. Here is some excellent vaccine awareness info.

3. Flash bugs: I do not like them. Dear Adobe, please make sure your released software actually works properly. Love and kisses, J

4. I had a birthday party for my friend last night and I went to sleep AND to work without cleaning my kitchen, which is a veritable mess. Who am I kidding, I don't actually care. Except my floors, I'm a little tiny bit fixated on clean floors lately.

5. I'm not upset with my friend who stayed over anymore, and I've decided to let the issue go and not even mention it to her. Because really, I do value the friendship.

6. For Mother's Day I am treating mself and going to the opera. Carmen. In the Bronx. My old neighborhood. Should be weird. Will be a great time.

7. Corporate mergers. Again.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


A Little Bit of Weird

I always keep a pink seven day candle burning. Constantly. It's been going for six months straight now. They usually burn out in 5 days, not seven. They burn clean, and leave the glass clean.

Last wednesday afternoon I changed the candle. That evening my guest came to stay. The candle burned out in exactly three days: from Wednesday afternoon until Saturday afternoon, a few hours after she left.

It turned black. Really, really black. It left a mark on my wall.

Monday, May 07, 2007


I am going to try and make this a really short post.

Last week I hosted a friend and her daughter, who is a month older than Daya, for three days. She is a nice person and we got along well, as far as I can tell. It was a very nice time but I am left feeling hurt and sore. I know I did my best to be a good hostess. I provided everything from my own bed to diapers to toddler snacks, I cooked a nice dinner one night and breakfast for three mornings... I took her around the city; I checked in with her often to make sure all was well. I don't mind, as I want people to be comfortable in my home. She never lifted a finger or offered to help with anything around the house. I find that borderline as guest etiquette, but I can get past it.

What I cannot get past is that she came, stayed in my home for three days, and left without ever saying a single word of thank you.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Park Ave Tulips

These flowers are on Park Ave near 86th street.

This funky tree is in Central Park. I love it.

Friday, April 27, 2007


I have brought the office home with me tonight.

Physically and mentally. The physical part I don't mind so much; it happens once in a blue moon.

The mental part I mind a lot. I am frustrated. I work on a training team full of people who aren't trainers. And I'm really at my wits' end over the lack of project management skills. Unfortunately, since I do the production and development of the classes, I am directly on the receiving end of Project Management Incompotence.

Person 1 doesn't know how to manage a project at all, even though I've coached them in the past, and they are still asking me the same questions and having the same verbatim conversations we've had three or four times already. Then they come over and ask me what to do three more times. The last project they were managing, they simply *didn't do* the work and I ended up having to bail it out last minute.

Person 2 has poor communicaton skills and an aggressive personality. Also needs work in PM skills, but can at least put out a good project when all is said and done. Today I called them before going home only to discover that the project I'm currently doing needs to be delivered by 2pm Monday, and they never even told me about it!!! This person has also called me rigid and inflexible because I said no to spending hours on end-stage production work before the content was final, because they were impatient for the project to be done and couldn't get the person on the phone that they needed to speak to. I told person 2, as respectfully as possible, that not getting so and so on the phone wasn't my problem, please give me the content when it's final and I'm happy to produce it. Same Person 2 has given me feedback changes that were outright incorrect. Person 2 apparently has no verbal or written English skills whatsoever and always gives me script text that is so incorrect it makes no sense. The excuse? They didn't write it, they just copied and pasted from somewhere. This poor communication about expectations and sloppy work is causing friction between us. They had this same problem with a vendor last year. Now I know why. It wasn't the vendor's fault, I see that now. I refuse to work on something that I'll spend hours on and just have to re-do because the PM was sloppy.

Maybe I'm just crazy, but in my mind if you're managing a project and then handing the content over to someone else, take fucking accountability for it and make sure it's 100% ready for production.

Thank Goddess I am good at what I do, and my boss told me the other day that I'm one of the real treasures on the team. That was nice to hear, especially because I feel on the outsides socially...not that I mind a great deal about that. I much prefer to keep my social life separate from work. I am thankful that at least I have a great manager...and I think I need to have a meeting with him about this, and how it can be resolved in a positive way for everyone to be successful.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Shadow Dancing

Daya has discovered that singing and dancing with her shadow is fun. :)

Shadow Dancing on Vimeo

Monday, April 23, 2007

Thursday, April 19, 2007


This is a few days delayed but I've needed that time to think and collect thoughts.

I am so deeply saddened by the shootings in Virginia earlier this week. It's so tragic and horrible. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

My reaction to it is that law enforcement needs to take non-physical violence far more seriously than it does. Of course this means resources on an already overburdened system and I don't have a good answer or solution to that because I feel there are so many factors involved in why these things are happening en masse to begin with. But the police do need to take things seriously even with no history of previous physical violence.

Right after I had Daya things got even worse at home than they had been previously. I was extremely quiet and withdrawn; that was my defense. To appear weak and immobilized, lost in depression. Incapable of doing anything.

When Daya was 11 days old, the ex came home frome wherever he had been for the past four days. He came home for less than 10 minutes, just to tell me that he "had a vision" that the baby and I would be found dead in the apartment. He said it "was confirmed" and would definitely happen.

I took that pretty seriously. Seriously enough to call the police. The police told me that since he hadn't hit me, there was nothing they could do except file a complaint of harassment, which wouldn't even keep him away from me. Even though he is an expert martial artist. Even though he has firearms training. Even though he was crazy in the head. Even though he had said those words of his newborn baby girl.

What I think could very feasibly have happened, had I not moved out less than a week later, isn't a far stretch in my mind. The ex was crazy and that was dangerous because it meant he was unpredictable in his actions, regardless of previous known history. He was finished with me, that was made very, very clear. He also made it clear that he changed his mind and "couldn't" be tied down with responsibilities after all, meaning Daya. He said normal rules of humans didn't apply to him because he was god's special messenger. I was simply excess to him, something he used up and no longer needed. Something that could be discarded without a second thought. (Meaning he built up his social network, had a new woman to be parasite to, resources, and thought he had his greencard secured.)

That gives us a man who is expertly trained in the art of killing along with a total lack of conscience or sense of empathy or personal wrongdoing. And a motive. Very, very dangerous. It would have been so easy for him to have done something and make it look like a post-partum depression suicide/infant murder. So easy. Too easy, in fact, especially because it was no secret that I was not emotionally well during the pregnancy or afterwards. Add to that whatever he was telling people. And it would most probably have worked. Because people loved him and would have sworn on their lives he'd never do such a thing. Because of his way of presenting himself, and because no one knew the truth of what was going on in our home. And he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, he'd be clear and free to go about his life of parasitical charm. And he'd get a ton of sympathy and attention from such a horrible thing happening...playing up his anguish...I can see it so clearly.

My story continued to a much happier place, for which I am beyond thankful.

Which cannot be said for those poor souls mowed down by one man's insanity.

Which could have and should have been prevented.

My Dad the Rock Star

Have I ever mentioned that my dad is a rock star? It's true. He opened for the Doors right when Light My Fire came out, back in the day, and I have met two separate unrelated people who remember his old band from way back. Cool, huh? He's also a cool person!

Here he is, doing his thing on steel guitar.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My Secret Wish

I have been carrying a wish around inside myself since I was a little kid, since at least 8 years old. And it's such a stupid thing, inconsequential really, but somehow it's major to me and has been for a long time. A secret desire, if you will.

After I had Daya and found myself single with no support or help, I told myself that I wouldn't let my circumstance stop me from being who I am and doing things that I want to do. That I would never use the excuse of being a single mom to prevent me from living life. This doesn't mean that I'm wanting to go off and do a bunch of stuff and leave Daya all the time, but I can certainly take a few hours here and there. I spend a lot of time with Daya and I intend to continue that- it's all just a matter of balance. Most of my social life also involves Daya, which is nice. But I need "me" time, too.

So back to my secret wish. I decided that I wanted to take a class of some kind. I was taking tea ceremony lessons, and I'll probably still do them sporadically, but they are much more expensive than I initially thought. I also still want to do Yoga, and that's pretty cheap and I'll probably work it in starting in the summer. I considered figure painting, because I love it and it's been a long time since I've had the opportunity. But for all these things, that little background voice started up again with the "...that would be fun and I'd enjoy it a lot, but if I could choose absolutely anything, what I REALLY want to study is voice."

So, as stupid as this is, I have a long-term build-up of fear with this, and it's a sticking point because I never properly resolved it. I believe in facing fears and blockages, and for some reason this is significant enough to me to the point where it's stayed around for a really long time. There is a definite energy block and I'm still not sure why it is so significant. But I guess I'll find out, because I start working with a vocal coach tonight. I could have gone the cheap route with this and done cheap lessons, or CDs and books, but I really want good training. Lessons aren't cheap (more than tea ceremony, actually) but somehow it's working out. I feel the cheap approach isn't doing justice to something that has been so secretly significant to me for such a long time. I need to give this the attention and space it wants. There is something that I need from it.

I have no interest in performance. This is purely personal. It's just something I need to do. I have been in choirs, both audition and non-audition. I studied piano for about 9 years growing up, and I deeply miss the world of music. Since I come from musicians, that's not really suprising.

Sometimes, when looking back on life, I really feel I could have gone the route of either music or visual arts. I took the road of visual arts and while I don't regret it, I do regret that my piano training got badly screwed up by an incompotent teacher. By the time I switched teachers it was a little late, and I was too young to realize the incompotence sooner. One day, when I am out of NYC and settled in a place where I can have a piano again, I'll resume it. I made that promise to myself a long time ago.

But tonight is about airing a block, facing a fear, and doing something that was important to me as a child and contines to be important in adulthood.

Life is for living, no excuses.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Out of the Woodwork

I just got a call from an old friend/acquaintance. Someone I haven't talked to in over a year, and it was such a nice call to receive. He was also good friends with the ex.

He said the last he heard, which was a long time ago, the ex was managing a restaurant in Cape Town, and he had a major emotional breakdown/ reality check when he got back to Africa and cried for three or four days or something like that.

I do not feel sorry for him.

I trust him about as far as I can throw a train. Nor do I wish to have any contact with him whatsoever. I don't trust his breakdowns; I've heard that story before from him and even if they're genuine in the moment, I think they turn into part of his facade for people to pity him and respond to him. The whole Poor Me act. I just don't buy it. My friend didn't know about his plans for a next marriage.

What I think is that he's so screwed up and so used to thinking of himself in a certain way, so used to lying and justifying those lies in his mind. He has an astonishing ability to bend reality and truth to suit his perspective. He has a natural charm and charisma; a magnetism, a glamour.

Daya has it too and it's my job to teach her to use it responsibly.

Monday, April 09, 2007

It Got Better

That chaotic anti-electronic energy is fixed. While I was soaking in a nice steamy bath last night, a helpful flash of insight told me to do a Triple Grid. It's been a very, very long time since I've done one. I really feel so much better now.

In about 15 minutes I am picking up my cd from the old memory card. The photo machine thingy crashed the first time I tried to order the cd, but all was well the second time so my Electronics Curse is officially over.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Electronically Cursed?

I feel like I have some sort of chaotic energy around me. Not good. It is apparently very bad for electronics, whatever it may be. I just feel prone to clumsy disaster right now. I do hope this goes away very soon.

Daya- my baby, my treasure- threw my cellphone into the bathtub. A dry bathtub. So now the display is all wonky. The phone works, and I'll be able to retrieve the numbers. Thankfully I don't have an expensive cell phone, so I was able to get the same one on ebay for very little.

But still. This is weird.

I have had a very expensive weekend. (Though I must say I am falling in love with my new camera.) Is Mercury in retrograde or something?

Hmmm... maybe I should get off the computer. (Dear computer, please don't explode.) Oh, and Daya is now banned from playing with my cellphone. She doesn't know it yet, and it might not go over very well.

I want to hook up my new camera and download pictures, but honest to goddess, I'm actually afraid to do it tonight.

Saturday, April 07, 2007


"The good, the bad, the sane and the mad- 
all things must surely pass."
Today an old and very dear friend of mine met an untimely passing. The image of her newly-deceased corpse will forever remain in my mind.
To my Canon Powershot A40, I say thanks for all the memories.
In a surreal freak accident, which I had two pre-cognitive warnings about 10 minutes before it happened, my dinosaur digital camera jumped out of my hands, bounced three times, and landed in the duck pond at the Flushing Meadows Zoo.
The last picture she ever captured was of the water that took her life.
Thanks to Tom the Zookeepper, I recovered her. Got the batteries and the memory card out and THANK GODDESS they still work. So I will get a cd made of the images on the memory card, which amazingly enough is in perfect condition. I tested it to make sure...and what a relief!
Because I am completely neurotic about replacing things immediately, I bought a new camera. I'm a Canon girl, so I got the Canon Powershot A570 1S. 7.1 megapixels, versus 2.0 megapixels in my old model.
But the Powershot A40 was a fabulous camera. She took a good picture. I bought her in 2001, for more than I paid for my new camera today. She never had a case and suffered much abuse. She went a lot of places, met a lot of people, was dropped a few times, and took thousands of pictures. And except for a slight occasional difficulty with the flash, she worked perfectly. My new camera has a legacy to live up to.
What memories will my new camera capture, I wonder? I am looking forward to finding out.
May 2001 to April 2007

And here is the Last Picture:

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Still Unpacking

I have out of town company staying over next week. I have discovered having people over is a great motivator to get stuff done. Like unpacking boxes from the move 5 months ago.

I finally finished unpacking my kitchen. And alas, my suspicion was confirmed- my food procesor blades must have been accidentally thrown out. I even know how it happened. Of course one of the lost ones was the expensive one. Of course. I ordered replacements because...well, what else can I do? $50. And unfortunately my particular machine only takes 3 blades. I was hoping to get a deal on ebay, and it seems I have the only Cuisinart food processor that does not have blades interchangeable with at least 1 other model. I'm sort of bummed about that. I wouldn't mind a better range of different cutting blades.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


I can get Daya to verbally agree to anything.

Because her standard response to any question is "No," it's pretty easy. The secret is in how you ask the questions.

For example:
Daya, do you want to stay home?

Do you want to go to the park?

Would you like to skip your doctor visit?

Would you like to leave without getting shots?

Should I do all the housework while you play?

Will you wake up really early tomorrow morning?

Unfortunalely, she's not very selective in her use of the word No.

Daya, do you love me?

BUT- I have it on her word that she doesn't hate me either.
; )

Monday, March 26, 2007

W 77th St

Last night at dusk I was walking on West 77th St towards Central Park West. I was alone, carrying nothing- not even a small handbag. No one else was on the street; the only other people I saw were bored-looking doormen behind their doors. For that brief moment, the street was mine, and I was completely anonymous. I could have been anyone, with any past, living anywhere, going anywhere. I walked without a story. It was so peaceful. I reached Central Park, and took a moment to bask in the history of the city, to stop and appreciate the metalwork of the lamp posts along the park. Being alone there, with no one else around, in such a famous and well-travelled place was somehow a very intimate exchange with the city.

I could have walked like that for many more blocks, but I had to pick up Daya. So, much sooner than I would have liked, I stepped into the subway, back into myself. But perhaps that brief moment was all I needed after all.


My most profound spiritual experience ever happened somewhere in the Union Square vicinity. It was October a few years ago, and I was walking alone at night. The streets were busy; it was dark but not late. For a brief moment as I walked, I experienced no separation between me and anything else. It was not a thought, or a realization, or a meditation- nothing mental. It was a huge all-encompassing and profound experience. I looked around me, and realized I was everything, and everything was me- the bricks in the buildings, other people, everything. Everything was One; there were no boundaries. It was truly awesome.

Friday, March 23, 2007


My cat's lucky streak of not going to the vet for the last 9 years has finally ended. Last night, she suffered the indignty of having her tail held up and her butt probed. Poor kitty.

The happy news is that her teeth are in suprisingly good shape for a cat her age. I'm relieved.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I'm Done Being Stupid

I have this part of my personality that is, NOT for lack of a better word, extremely stupid. As in really retarded. And the worst part is that these episodes of stupidity are completely preventable. **And I know they are right before they happen!**

Last night I reached my breaking point with this particularly golden part of myself. I'm so embarassed to write this. See, occasionally I set out for a destination thinking I know where it is. Meaning that I have a vague idea, or a foggy recollection. I think to myself that I'll find the place when I get there. Of course I don't.

I do not bring the address with me. Nor do I bring the phone number, or even the phone sometimes. So, I end up wandering around walking long distances not finding the place I need to be, and the frustrating part is that I'm always so close to where I have to go.

A few weeks back this happened when I was dropping my taxes off. To an extremely easy location. All I accomplished was wandering around at night with the child, and she lost a shoe.

Last night I walked up and down Queens Blvd with the child and the cat. Looking for the vet, which I would have sworn was on the south side of QB, but was actually on the north side. the irony was that I was on the north side literally right by the ofice, but I didn't find it beause I was looking in the wrong place. Had I taken my phone, there would be no problem. I rescheduled the appointment for tonight. This time I will take my phone and the address.

Really, why do I do this?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Kids and Adults

I think a lot about Daya growing up. Sometimes I get really sad about it, but I think that's a normal mom thing. I like Daya as a toddler. She's cute. She's fun. When I go pick her up after work, she throws both her arms straight up in the air and runs to me for a hug. I get sad thinking about how one day she'll be so different, and no matter where she may go and what she may do, I hope her life never separates from mine. I hold her little feet and wonder where they will walk, where will they go.

I know it's also a mom thing to look at everyone around us and realize everyone we see was once a little child. A cute toddler bouncing around. And at some point, that changes. Children become adults who aren't all that cute anymore. Some of them grow up to be adults that do horrible things to other people, to children. I see situations between a mother and her adult child where things have completely disintegrated. I think, how was this woman with her child when it was an infant? Toddler? Child? It makes me sad. Where and when did things go wrong? When did the child pull away? Why? Perhaps my own distant relationship with my mother plays a part in that as well. I don't want Daya to lack what I lacked in that relationship sense.

My approach to being in charge isn't so much to control Daya-I see my role more as managing her boundaries. Sometimes I wish I could see myself as a toddler and how was my daily life? How did my mother interact with me? I have a few clear memories but its not the same thing as observing behaviour. I do think kids are born automatically loving their parents/caregivers. I also firmly believe that the trust a child has in a parent is inherent in its beginning, but must always be maintained. I believe that while kids are, of course, forgiving, the trust that is established can be broken and dramatically impacted before the child is even of the age of remembering stuff.

Childhood should be a time that is safe, secure, and magical. With a backdrop of a constant presence of familarity and a lot of love. I hope I can somehow teach Daya to keep her magic as she grows up.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Morning Thought

I'm not feeling so great ( am fighting off Daya's newest cold) so I'm not in the mood to write elaborately.


I was just thinking about the state of affairs in the world today, current and upcoming wars, governments doing what they do, common people, suffering, etc. That kind of thing. It's nothing new; humanity has always acted as such. Empires rise and fall. Though, I think perhaps (at least in more developed countries) we've come to a certain place as common people that perhaps humanity has never experienced before to such a scale. And perhaps it might turn out to make a huge difference after all.

The place I am talking about is the place of knowledge. People today are generally better educated and/or have access to a wealth of global information. Very recently in the history of humanity, this wasn't so. Good education isn't just for the elite anymore. Governments are no longer presiding over masses of ignorance. People are used to thinking, to having their own opinions and ideas. And maybe, just maybe, this will make a difference.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Bug

There's a little stomach bug going around to a city near you. And me. And I got it. The fun started at 4am Friday morning. The night when Madame D was up every hour, then finally insisted on sleeping in bed with me.

I cannot remember the last time I was so ill. I was more functional right after my c-section. I was planning on working from home that day anyhow, so I had to call in sick from working from home. Thank all that is right and wonderful with the universe that Daya's sitter is right down the hall. This was very, very scary- I literally couldn't move. I haven't paid tithes to the Porcelain Gods since I was pregnant...and before that I cannot even recall. Thankfully it didn't last long, but M had to come get Daya that evening and keep her overnight because I was non-functional. Not safe for a toddler.

Being sick...I mean really, really ill, is the scariest part of being a single mom. Because there's no one else. I am so thankful for good friends. I am so thankful for my good health in general.

Saturday I was mostly better, and today I'm all better. So of course Daya has yet another stuffy nose and a borderline fever. This worked out in her favor though; she skipped her shot at the doctor's appointment.