Escape

For the last 2 weeks, since I got my jury summons, I have had a lot of feelings, and I have been trying to get them out of my system before having to go in and plead my I-REALLY-can't-do-this case.

I went into that courthouse SO angry this morning.

I couldn't shake it.

What an awful feeling to be forced to do something like this, to derail your whole life- against your will.

They told us we would be there 9-5 until May 22.

Oh my god, NO.

After waiting for almost 3 hours, it was my turn to express concerns.

The lady wasn't having it.

Didn't care about work problems it will cause, because work will pay for it.

Didn't care about the list of work stuff I would miss.

Didn't care about the hotline, which jury duty absolutely would conflict with.

Didn't care about a 9-hour crisis response overnight shift that would conflict.

Didn't care about 2 after-work appointments I scheduled in March.

Didn't care about my 20 year work anniversary.

Didn't care about scheduled vacation days.

Didn't care about the vet appt I have for Pebbles early May.

Didn't care about after work social plans I made in March.

I had everything laid out in a word doc.

I was annoying.

I acknowledged I was annoying, but this was truly such a huge problem for me.

I said I can't do all the days, I said these are the days I absolutely HAVE to be out early.

She said no more than 2 days off.

I had to choose the day after my 9 hour overnight shift on the hotline- physically impossible (and unreasonable) for me to do both, and my scheduled vacation day May 22.

That's all she would give me.

I said I can't change these appointments, what do I do?

She just shrugged, that's your problem.

All she wanted to know was if I was staying or coming back in October.

I stayed.

I was so mad, I think I had smoke coming off me.

It's not right.

I do MORE THAN 500 HOURS A YEAR in volunteer community service.

360 of those are on the hotline, and I think my service to society is of much greater benefit on the hotline than it is in Grand Jury. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!

******

They started calling names to go across the street to the main courtroom.

They did not call everyone's name.

They did not call my name.

Other people asked about that, and they said just wait, they will call more people later.

Then they sent us to lunch at 12:40, said come back at 2.

I sat under a tree and read, and tried to just ground and relax.

There were pigeons. I love pigeons.

These 2 are clearly friends, and I shared some of my lunch with them.

I went back at 1:30.

2pm rolled around, nothing.

3pm rolled around, nothing.

Around 3:45 the court people came back and said they have everyone they need, we're done, we'll get a certificate of service that is good for 6 years.

OH MY GOD I ESCAPED!

I do not know if the lady did something, put my name in a different pile or something, and I know it's her job to not care about peoples' lives, and I know she's heard everything....

I think the Universe had my back.

I'll never know for sure, but as I left I said a very happy thank you to that lady, and she was very friendly and I think??? she winked at me.

I was SO relieved, and walked home from court which took about an hour... I feel like my body is holding all the energy from it, still, and I need a little time to shake it off.

Disproportionate Resentment

Today I went into the office, and since Kedrin and I are work neighbors, we met to scope out Battery Park and see how bad it is.

Because I want to paint the labyrinth there.

It's bad.

Still.

Battery Park used to be one of the coolest parks in NYC, and now it is all trash construction.

It's awful. The labyrinth I have been wanting to paint since 2024 is still all blocked off.

What an embarrassment.

I'm not sure what's worse: Penn Station or Battery Park, and that's really saying something.

After declaring Battery Park a disaster, Kedrin and I headed up to Trinity Church to see the flowers in the graveyard.

Now all the tourists want to congregate around Alexander Hamilton's grave.

(No one cared about it before the musical came out.)

We met Jack the Historian, and that was a fun encounter.

**********

From what I can tell from poking around the internets, it looks like I am stuck with this burden of Grand Jury. They are not going to care about the life derailment it will cause.

I'm going to prepare and bring a list of my dates and conflicts, which are significant.

My calendar often books 6-8 weeks in advance.

I have a deep simmering resentment about it, I know it's disproportionate to the circumstance but there it is.

Good Tuesday, Crap Tuesday

Good Tuesday:

The painting from Riverside Park sold!

Wow, that was nice.

It more than paid for all that nice new paint used in the painting!

Crap Tuesday:

I got another Grand Jury Summons.

AGAIN.

FUCK.

I can't defer it anymore.

Back in October they told me they were moving me to trial instead.

21 days MINIMUM is just way too much time to take anyone off work, but they don't give a shit, especially if your employer pays for it, which of course mine does.

So yeah they'll want me and I want NOTHING to do with this.

It's absolutely an imposition.

It absolutely upends my life.

Trial would have been ok because it's generally not that long, maybe three days, and that's ok.

But pulling someone out of their life for MINIMUM 21 days is excessive and unreasonable and I resent it intensely. Actually, I'm flat-out angry about it. It's a hardship for me, but not the kind they care about.

Our president doesn't follow the law, and I resent that I have to in this case.

I do not want to be boxed in with a bunch of people, I do not want to be stuck in court from 9-5, I will not be able to get to the hotline on time or do much of anything after work- including painting.

It's a later schedule than what I am used to, and I'm also not used to other people telling me how to schedule my day.

It's the length of time.

It's just too long.

I'm REALLY busy at work, too.

And they gave me 2 weeks' notice.

Also, my mental capacity is kind-of not great right now and I don't need a pile of new information that I don't care about.

I was grumping about it to my shift partner on the hotline, and they said maybe you'll meet someone interesting. They would LOVE to get 21 days away from their job!

Not me. And I already know a lot of interesting people!

I know I need to shift to a more positive mindset about it but freaking GRAND JURY, it's too much of my time and I'd really like them to leave me alone and find someone else.

Mystery Beep Provides Valuable Info

Yesterday I started hearing a muffled double-beep in my apartment.

It was annoying, but if I have any sound on I can't hear it.

Today it continued and got REALLY annoying.

So I turned everything off to determine where this mystery beep was coming from.

It's not in my apartment, it's outside in the yard behind my apartment where all the garbage is.

So I texted the super and said there's a weird beep coming from outside, does something out there need a battery change?

And I sent him a recording of the Mystery Beeping.

He called me a little while later and said as far as he can tell, someone threw out a smoke detector instead of just changing the battery. So the garbage out back is beeping, and those old smoke detectors are LOUD and it is blaring through the garbage loud enough to annoy me in my apartment!!!

I said to the super, I have 2 old smoke detectors that need disposal but I know you can't put them in the regular garbage because they are radioactive.

He said that's right, but our building has an electronics disposal bin!

I said what? How long has that been here? That's amazing!

He said about 2 years now.

WOW. Who knew!

I need to use this bin.

I have been holding onto old electronics simply because I don't know how/where to properly dispose of them.

I wish we had fabric recycling too, I also need that.

Stupid still-beeping smoke detector! IT IS SO ANNOYING!
But I learned something really cool!

The trash is going out to the curb tonight, so I don't have to deal with it much longer.

No More Gallons??

I go through a gallon of solvent every three years or so.

The gallon I have been working through is from November 2022.

(I wrote it on the jug....)

There are only a few inches of solvent left at the bottom, i'm running out and need more so off to Blick I went. Three years ago a gallon was about $52.

I was wondering how much the price has gone up since then.

Unfortunately I never really found out because due to some stupid new VOC law, SELLING AND SHIPPING OF GALLON-SIZED GAMSOL IS NO LONGER LEGAL IN NY STATE.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I assure and guarantee you, my artist Gamsol is NOT the cause of environmental pollutants!

Certainly not a mere gallon container of it!

How about we start with all the nasty industrial waste and construction??

And airplanes and cars?

And plastic everything?

And fast fashion?
No, that's all fine, but I am no longer legally allowed to buy Gamsol in a gallon.

I CAN buy HALF the amount for $50 now though.

So this law makes my materials cost more expensive because I cannot buy in bulk which is a bit of a discount.

YES I need a gallon, I always have a lot of solvent settling after each use, which gets to be quite a lot because I'm out plein airing all the time.  I usually have 2 jugs of solvent settling for re-use, plus my gallon jug of clean solvent for when I really just need a refill. 

It takes over a week for it to get nice and clean again. 

The longer it sits the better.

I did try and order online thru Blick, they have it on sale for $60 (down from $80) but they won't ship it to me.

I AM SO TIRED OF LIFE GETTING STUPIDER 

AND MORE DIFFICULT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.

My solvent jars drying out between use, studio and plein air:

Lower Manhattan & The Staten Island Ferry

If you need to take your mind off things, I recommend going to Governor's Island and painting the Lower Manhattan skyline. The ferry is free before 11am.

I already knew where I was going to paint before I left home, so that saved time.

This painting took 3 1/2 hours, almost exactly.

The clouds were great when I started then faded away. 

9x12 oil

The setup on this painting took some thought and planning.

I used my skewer (a wonderful thing to carry with your brushes!) to make sure my verticals stayed vertical.  I have a bad habit of making them lean, but it's also a common problem.

Easily fixed with a skewer.

When I do the skyline layout, it's easy to lose my place, I mark a few of the addresses I know. 

I marked 17 State, 28 Liberty, and 100 Wall... all places of employment.

55 Water is in the painting too but it is lower down so I didn't have to mark it.

I didn't mark the WTC because that one's obvious.

Except to the guy who came up and asked me which one it was.  

Then he started asking me other questions and I told him I'm not a tour guide.

********

Overheard quote of the day:

"I almost just lost my life!

.... it's ok, I had a lot of fun."

********

I have also decided that when people stick their camera in my face without asking, they get their picture taken too. Wow you should have seen how fast this guy turned around when I got my phone out! The woman with him was just nodding.

If people ASK, I'm really nice and cool about it.  I always say yes and request no close-ups.

I did have trouble with several people getting way too close to me with-- and without-- their cameras.

And I was out of the way.

Have some respect for other humans out in public please!!

I am not your entertainment!

ASK and be respectful!

We have really lost that as a society with all these damn phones.

*****

I also put in the Staten Island Ferry, because why not?

It is the most obnoxious yellow-orange color.

Good thing I had my cadmiums with me.

I had to wait several times until the ferry passed to paint it.

That was ok, I had plenty of other work to do in the meantime.

And here is our little neglected satellite boathouse at Pier 102.

Ok & Not Ok

Whoa.

I was supposed to be on the hotline last night.

Thought I was ok.

I went, arrived on time.

I have been pretty ok (I think?) on 9/11 for a while now, and I didn't even think about it when I booked the shift. 

I was not ok.

As I got closer to the hotline I got more and more not-ok.

And it really hit me when I got there.

I was very not-ok, wow I hate being like that, especially in front of others, and it really caught me off-guard.

It just hit me sideways unexpectedly, and that hasn't happened for a while now.

(It used to happen more often.)

These years I can walk by the memorial, no problem, and I used to not be able to.

I'm down there all the time, actually, and I'm fine.

So lesson learned, I need to be mindful it can still hit me after all these years.

They were really, really cool about it and sent me home.

I always try and bulldoze my way through things but I just really couldn't be in a place to hold space.

Whoa...I can't believe that happened.

I will never book anything serious on 9/11 again.

Just in case.

******

My amazing friend Grace and I talk all the time.

About everything.

We have the kind of friendship where it is safe to be an absolute hot mess.

We are both ok and also really not ok.

That's been the theme lately.

*****

I am grieving something right now, and I knew it would hit, I just didn't know when.

And I guess I was holding it off for a bit but then it was time and now here it is and it just sucks and it's hard. This whole year has been terrible, even though all my good important life structures are stable and in place properly. Externally I'm ok, doing well, things are good. And internally I'm a hot mess, from so many things that have hit this year.

It's such a strange thing because of context.

The kind of thing where it's easy to say just get over it, it shouldn't warrant too much intensity.

And that's not wrong. It really isn't.

On the other hand, if I look at my specific personal context, it makes sense.

It makes all the sense in the world. 

I understand it and I understand WHY.

So I am giving myself time and space and compassion.

I just have to go through it and hope it runs its course sooner rather than later.

I am a little wary because it has made an internal mark, a reinforcement that I do not welcome but there's nothing I can do about that.

Sometimes things just hit like a ton of bricks whether you want it to or not and there's nothing you can do but deal with it in hopefully a healthy way.

******

I have dropped weight this year. 

About 23 lbs. It took about 5 months, which is a healthy rate.

It started out with bad mental health.

I can get in a place where I lose my appetite, the opposite of eating your feelings.

So I thought, well at least something positive is coming out of feeling so shitty.....

...because I kind of needed to lose some weight, though I was never really overweight.

Just a little higher than I wanted to be- a combination of general life through the years, 2019 cataract surgery, then covid lockdown, and some bad coping after that.

I have lost more than I thought, which is ok, and once it started it has been steadily and easily melting off. Like my system is in release mode.

And I am still at a healthy weight for my height. I am where I should be, and where I was in my early 20s. And symbolically, I feel like I have released- at least physically- the weight of the last 25 years.

Emotionally is a different story....

But I shouldn't lose any more and I'm finding that maintaining and not losing is now a challenge because my body seems to have recalibrated to a new (and healthier) point, my habits have shifted, and I have a much lower appetite. Plus I am very physically active, which is nothing new.

Also in all honesty I really do feel much better and more comfortable in and about my body now.

However, I am experiencing an unintended side effect: people thinking it's ok to comment directly about my weight.

It is never ok to initiate comments
on someone's weight.

It is ALWAYS extremely impolite.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you want to tell someone they look good, do that. 

That's always good and appropriate and appreciated.

But don't make a direct comment about weight.

So now I'm navigating the challenge of letting people know they are being impolite-- because it's somehow ok for people to be inappropriate but if you let them know that, you're the asshole.

I am very conflict-avoidant with people I know and like (not so much strangers, I'll dish it out to them) so it's been very awkward.

It's also very annoying, like it's a spotlight saying that's what is most important to people. 

My damn weight.

WTF.

*****

Grace sent me this yesterday, and I really need to sit with it.

I'm not one for over-exerting effort and striving, but there is something here I need to explore.

Huh. That's certainly a different mindset than what I have been feeling and experiencing.....

*******

OH AND ALSO.... OF COUSE....

my cycle showed up first thing this morning, three days early.

Because of course it did.

It's just all too much at the same time.

Today I need to lay low and be easy, and I'll probably feel much better tomorrow.

Regatta & My Favorite Sign

I saw this post on Instagram this morning and like it.

It's true.

The regatta is today... off to the boathouse I went.

Tino came in second, which means he won.

Now he has to make the trophy for next year.

I am not making a trophy again! Phew!

Reign was perturbed that I was resting on her beanbag chair.

I would have gone to the other one instead but Martin was taking a nap on it.

Reign sat on my head instead.

Martin woke up at some point and walked by, whistling, because he whistles.

It's awful.

I have to tolerate it but it does cause me physical pain... I suffer through it.

I HATE- and I mean HATE people whistling.

I physically can't be around it.

But I have to tolerate it with Martin.

Anyhow I guess I made a face because Martin asked why I looked so sour- I said your whistling is so loud! He started laughing because his brother HATES whistling.  HATES it just as much as I do!

It makes us both feel homicidal!

Maybe Martin's brother and I are soulmates in silence or something.

Martin will not stop whistling around his brother (or at the boathouse), and he saw this AMAZING sign and sent it to him.... and also to me.

This is my favorite sign in the whole universe:

The boathouse is full of signs everywhere.

I asked Martin if we could put this one up and he said No!

The Double Transit Nightmare

This morning we went on an early morning paddle up the river to Gansevoort Beach.

I LOVE being on the river early mornings!

Yesterday I also got to the boathouse early to paddle laps- the water was super choppy and difficult with lots of wind! NOT peaceful! I got 8 laps in, it took an hour and was quite the workout!

This morning the river was quiet and calm. 

We left on a slack current and came home on a south current which took 16 minutes!

Way off in the distance here you can see the Statue of Liberty and the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge.

*******

Originally I was signed up for both public program shifts, because I was also booked for the hotline and figured I would not do the back-and-forth.

But that 4am wake up got to me, and since there was enough volunteer coverage for both shifts, I signed out and made my way home to rest before the hotline.

I'm not doing Saturday shifts anymore; it always messes up my weekend.

I thought it would coordinate better with the boathouse but next month I'm switching back to a Sunday for my weekend shift.

So anyhow, there was an unauthorized person on the tracks and the E train- and all the trains in both directions- were taken out of service so the MTA could power down the tracks and remove the trespassing person.

It took me THREE HOURS (usually it's about an hour) to get home- between waiting in the train and then I just had to walk home which took a good 40 minutes. 

The buses were a mess, and crowded, and I would have to wait, so the most guaranteed option was just to walk it.

I got home, reset and took a nap.

Left on time for the hotline.

THREE MINUTES after i went into the train station, another announcement was posted--- ANOTHER unauthorized person was in the tracks! (Or was it the SAME interloper??) 

The whole thing all over again.

I knew immediately everything would be shut down for a long time, and I was right.

(Taking the bus in wasn't an option. Not only was everyone doing that, it would take 2 1/2 hours AT LEAST to get into Manhattan!)

I called the hotline office- they said take an uber and they will pay for it, so I did.

How crazy is that to get stuck in the same situation twice back-to-back!

At least I wasn't stuck in the tunnel with no way to communicate... and I did end up being on time for my shift.

I am NOT doing hotline Saturdays anymore!

Crap-Free Zone

This morning I am off work, and I'm just floating around not sure what to do with myself.

There is some stuff going on, nothing new (mostly) and I need to be busy and hopefully useful to pass the time.  

I don't know why life seems to like to poke me to get my attention and make things look a certain way only to say nevermind, just kidding!

I don't like it, I'm really sick of it, I don't understand the point of it, and it just seems pointless and cruel. So right now currently, I have yet one more heavy thing to get over that I REALLY didn't need. Literally the last thing I needed.

So yes, I'm upset and sad. Life seems to be a series of things to get over without any benefit. It doesn't matter what I do, or don't do, or anything really, I always seem to come up empty even when a situation really looks like it's going to come through.

So, I'm ok on the surface but my underwater self is not ok.

******************

I got a new boathouse key that works, so I got to the boathouse around 8:30am to go on the water for an early morning paddle.

The oyster people were in our embayment, presumably checking on the oysters.  They were there for a long time, like 4 hours.

The early morning paddle was peaceful.

I'll probably start going on the water before work when I go to the office.

I try to leave my feelings in the river but they still stick to me.

It's nice to be out alone.

I stayed on the water for about an hour, then decided it was time to power wash the dock, which was absolutely covered in massive amounts of goose shit.

There is a sign that restrooms are at Pier 25, but these geese are not good listeners.

And there are so many of them!

It's so gross.

The goose-repellent flags definitely do not work.

The public program was supposed to start at 1, so I had some time.

Look how gross this is.

We can't have the public on the dock in this condition!

The whole dock loading area was like this, all the way down.

Getting the power washer on the dock and working properly is quite a mission.

You have to run a few extension cords from the boathouse, but that's the easy part.

The hard part is hooking up the water... and I had never figured this out alone before.

I kind of knew how to do it...

Basically you have to hook up the water and hose switches properly in three places and hope for the best.

It took a while and much switching of valves happened, but I did finally get it working!

Next time I have to do this it'll go a lot faster, and I am very proud of myself for getting it to work.

Really, it is a very convoluted process!

One of the water hookups that requires a special pipe adapter!

Crap-free zone, for a few hours at least......

I am very proud of this nice clean dock.

After I cleaned the dock, it was about noon.

I went back on the water with a sandwich and a tow rope.

I tied my kayak to a buoy and went for a swim.

Then people started showing up and it was time for me to get off the water and leave the boathouse for the day.

I will probably be power washing the dock a lot this season.

Stupid geese.

The Rain Will Never Stop

Rain all day.

ALL DAY.

I need to move to a different planet or something, this is just dreadful.

The only thing getting me out today is the hotline.... which actually is a good thing.

Oh my god all this rain......

I can't.

Rainbows on the Beach

I can't deal with this stupid awful neverending rain.

It rained today.

I stayed in.

Until I couldn't anymore, so I went to the beach.

I did get rained on while walking the beach... but there were a lot of rainbows and it was worth it.

5.5 miles walking the shore at Rockaway tonight!

The sea was glowing green under the stormy sky.

I could never live anywhere that isn't by water.

These birds were sharing a bagel.