Back to Yoga

Today I went back to yoga for the first time since......... March 2020.........

I do not know how 4 years passed.

I have been meaning to get back for the last 2 years or so, and .... I don't know, even though I knew I needed to go back, and also wanted to, there was something about it that I must have been avoiding.

A sadness, maybe.

A recollection of lockdown.

There has been a lot of change there.

In order to stay afloat, Lavender and Lotus on the second floor have been rented out.

The pictures that were hanging for literally decades on the second floor are gone.

It may sound strange but Integral Yoga Institute connects the dots in my life.

I don't know how else to put it.

It's very strange and weird but there you have it.

There is something about the building itself.

I have gone there since prenatal yoga in 2005.

Tonight I went back.

My old teacher is not there anymore and.... I really miss her.

Her class was amazing. It went beyond a typical yoga class.

I have emailed her to see if she is ok post-pandemic but haven't heard back.

I hope she is ok.

Class was ok, I am a little rusty but muscle memory does kick in.

It felt good.

I did a fairly advanced yoga class regularly for YEARS and even after the long hiatus, I still did just fine.

The teacher tonight isn't my favorite though, so I need to find a different class/teacher I like.

It was sad and strange to be back.

So much change layered with things that have been the same for decades.

I will go back, and it will be easier now after being back this first time.

I do feel sad and strange and melancholy, but I also needed to go back and reconnect a dot post-pandemic.

This Week!

I haven't written this week because I have been behind in posting from the weekend, but also because this week has been so busy.

We are adjusting to our new schedule this week.  I'm having a little trouble coordinating my morning with Daya leaving at 6:30am and my morning meditation, but I'll figure it out in a few days.

Her day is long... she leaves at 6:30am, school starts at 8, and she is out around 4:15pm.  Wednesdays are even longer because she is taking the after-school pointe class at Laguardia.  It's a heavy schedule for her, but she has the personality for it and she is where she wants to be.

I went to the eye dr Monday morning.
Everything is good.
I have to wait two more months to get a contact lens for multifocal vision.
All the residual weirdness- "positive photopsia", flares, lens reflections, light flashes, too-much-light, halos, pulsing lights, and everything I told the dr is normal.... annoying but normal.  He said it does go away but can take months.  My eye still does get tired by the end of the day (as compared to the right which is fine) but at least I don't have that severe pain anymore.

I go back in November and will hopefully get a new contact lens at that time.
I'm not a fan of reading glasses. Not at all. They make my right eye weird and in general are extremely inconvenient. But right now I'm not very functional without them. I keep 2 pairs at work, one at my home computer, one at the easel, and I travel with a pair at all times.  It's a real PITA.

As time goes on my brain is adjusting to my new vision, but it is still.... weird. A big change.
Dr says the color vision in my left eye is the same as a person under 25.  After that age yellow pigments slowly collect in the eye lens.  I can see a discernible difference between my left and right eyes.  Not dramatic but noticeable. And I am always wondering if my vision is as crisp as it could be, probably because of the halos.

What I do NOT have is a cataract, and that is really nice.

I feel like 5 years have passed since now and surgery.

******
Monday evening I saw Eva and I made the decision to stop going.
Eva has been a constant literally for the last 9 years but I'm at a point where I need to open my evenings and I don't need or want to talk about things. My own inner guidance is excellent. I'm doing extremely well and have been for a while. This is a time of change and it feels right.

******
Tuesday Daya started physical Therapy.  Her hips are really messed up, very inflamed.
She will be going 2x a week for about 6 weeks but probably a little longer.  I had to go with her Tuesday but she can go alone from now on.

Daya is in a new phase of growing up and I really feel it this week.  High school is different than middle school.  I'm involved with her differently. I don't even know how to describe it as she has always been so independent (with my encouragement) but the high school environment is... different.  It all just feels different to me and I feel her being more grown up. Yet at the same time she is not.

*******
Last night I went to yoga for the first time since the end of July.
I didn't intend to be gone for so long but between my eye not feeling well and then some scheduling stuff the last couple of weeks, it has been that long.  Going back felt so good. My body needs it. So does my mind.

Tonight I have night 2 NYC plein airing at night!
I schlepped all my gear to work.  Tonight I am using my large setup.

*******
We got competition pictures and videos yesterday from August!
Here are 2 pictures of Daya in her chef role.  She looks so great.

Driving is Scary

I have been spending a good amount of time in my driving lessons.  Last week I did three 2-hour lessons, but usually I'm doing 2 lessons a week.  I started in Kindergarten.  Charlie now says I'm in September of 6th grade. And I am a Zen Master of right turns. :)

My yoga training has stepped in strongly in interesting ways.  Because of my yoga, I know how to turn my neck to get a wide range of vision when looking at my blind spots.  I did this automatically yesterday and Charlie asked if I checked my blind spot-  I had and told him- then I taught him how to turn his neck for better vision over his shoulder.  My yoga training reminds me to breathe and relax- which I need to remind myself of, constantly.

But yesterday things got SCARY too...nothing bad happened, but Charlie took me to a new road exposure experience----- I drove over a bridge and then down Adam Clayton Powell Blvd in Harlem.  It's large and busy with u-turns and traffic lights and buses and trucks and oncoming traffic and people behind me and trees and signs and bicycles and dogs and turning lanes and pedestrians and a cop beeped his siren at me for being too slow and there were 10 BAJILLION THINGS HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME and it was extremely scary.

Charlie says look at the crosswalk (on both sides!!) 2 blocks away to see what's happening down the road.  It is complete visual chaos and I don't know where to look or what to look for and there is no time to look for it.....oh, and the cyclists come out of nowhere too, and people cross in the middle of the street into oncoming traffic, omg it is scary and completely overwhelming.

Also my brain exploded.

I can see things around me just fine as long as they aren't small details. So for example I will see there is a sign ahead but I might not be able to read what it says as soon as Charlie does. I can see the red crosswalk light 2 blocks away but the white one is harder to pick out.  I can't multi-task my attention on the road yet.

I don't know where to look or what to look for in all the chaos and there is no time!

Charlie says we are developing my reflexes and knowing what to look for.  I know I just started but it is so daunting and scary... I do have a fast mind for some things, but I'm scared I won't get this.  Am I too old to learn and is my mind too slow?  Charlie says I have good road eyes- meaning I was doing well on seeing and noticing- he says gaming and bike riding are advantages.  I still game and I biked a lot growing up.  But yesterday was hard. And scary, in case I haven't mentioned that bit.

I'm not very good at seeing small things far away.  And how am I supposed to see everything on both sides of the road, ahead, and behind me all at the same time? I'm scared I will miss Something Important because I didn't see it and Bad Things will happen.

How do people do this?
To be fair, I know a lot of it is the city, the roads aren't nearly so chaotic outside the city- and I'm fine on the side streets- but I still have to learn the busy roads.

I drove through these scary intersections:

****
Daya is doing well at Ailey.  She has a new best friend, Sage, who is from Maryland.  They ride their penny boards together during break.  A penny board is a mini skateboard.  (I didn't know that until Tuesday.)

These summer weekends are long and hard, but the weekdays are going quickly.

Thursday Things

I went to yoga last night.

On the way to yoga I was listening to Wayne Dyer (again/still).

I was early to class, which I like because it gives me time to get a nice spot in the room and meditate.

Normally I do not bring my phone to class because I don't want or need it there, but I decided to continue listening to Wayne while chilling on my yoga mat in such a nice peaceful environment.

When class started of course I turned my phone off and double-checked because I like to be very careful about that kind of thing.

So the teacher came in (oh, she is so wonderful! She sings during the meditation part of the class and that alone is worth going for!) and she was talking for a few minutes etc etc.  All was quiet. We settled in for opening chants and I heard something odd.

It was Wayne Dyer talking through my headphones!

Now, even though I don't think anyone really heard it except maybe the person next to me, I was so embarrassed- I never want to be that person with the obnoxious phone but it was rather funny at the same time, especially because Wayne Dyer was a long-time yoga practitioner.

So he came to chant with us.

I told this story to the teacher later on in the changing room and she thought it was fantastic that Wayne Dyer had joined us for chanting.

*****

Daya had an excellent evening in dance...she said all her teachers and some other students were complimenting her. 

After ballet one of the moms told her how good she is, and that she could do ballet professionally, she is that good.

Which I agree with...Daya really is that good and it is because she works incredibly hard all the time.  I'm ridiculously proud of her. I have never known an 11 year old that works as hard as she does. I certainly didn't when I was that age!

She was so excited on the way home, she texted me the whole thing because it couldn't wait til she saw me.

It is so incredible when your child shares their happiness with you and that happiness is a result of not only your support but what they have done- their cumulative hard work over YEARS- and they see and feel the results.  It is good when others see recognize it too, but that is secondary.  

There is something about a cumulative process of hard work and dedication which cannot be gotten from any other source- I am so deeply glad Daya knows this at such a young age, and I hope it shapes her life in a positive way.

AND because it is my blog and i can brag on my kid if I want to--- she has straight As in honors and a 100 average in math!!

****

I have to figure out my FLIP project pretty soon...and it's a good one this week!

Kind of a long involved one, and I need to start because I don't have any weekend time with competition.

****

Speaking of competition, another mom is helping us out and everything is ok.

I do have to pay for a hotel though, ugh... but I just have to do it and make the best of the weekend.

Which is easier now that I have help and I am feeling better.

*****

Rob has been working crazy long days all week and he's not done.

We haven't really spoken much all week and that's ok, but it also means he's completely wiped out.  Poor Rob.

*****

I called this post Thursday Things but everything I wrote about happened yesterday!

Philosophy

There is a a philosopher who has a Youtube channel and radio named Stefan Molyneux

He talks about a lot of stuff from a philosophy perspective.
And his own perspective and experience.
I don't have a philosophy background and this guy can be a little extreme at times but honestly I have to agree with a lot of what he says.
Not everything, but he makes sense.
And he has a whole lot to say about single moms. Nothing good.
AND he's not wrong, though I do think I fall firmly in the "exception" category for many specific reasons.

So I have been listening to him a lot the past couple of days and I have to stop because while I do agree with him in general, it is dredging up all my inner muck that really just needs to stay settled at the bottom of my inner pond.  There's some bad stuff there. There is no positive benefit to stirring it up and it is messing up my head and taking me down extremely dark tunnels. It is also making me feel utterly despondent and hopeless and terrible about my own life and my own parenting circumstance. Gloom and doom and failure with no possibility of good outcome. This is not good, nor is it true.

I have already done such a huge amount of self work- and I continue to do so- and I am at a place where I am self-aware enough to know how my life was affected by past circumstance and why I made the choices I made. And I own those choices, even the "wrong" ones- not "wrong" but unhealthy- but I, along with the rest of all humanity, am not perfect and should not be condemned for life decisions lacking knowledge that only age, experience, awareness, and hindsight brings. For what it is worth I have an ACE Score of 6.

You cannot throw a 5 year old into a situation suitable for a 17 year old and blame the 5 year old for screwing the whole thing up and not knowing any better. Textbooks and real life are different. I'm all for logic and reason, but we are more than that- we are beings of great feeling and there has to be balance between the heart and mind. And of course for me there is the spiritual element.

Additionally, while I still have to cope with what I consider at this point to be chronic internal pain issues that flare up sometimes, I have structures in place to move forward in a healthier positive existence. And that has taken a considerable amount of work over a long time.

Like everything it is practice and I slip sometimes.

So when I know I am being impacted by something that- while worthwhile- is starting to hurt me- I need to be aware of that and switch my input.

I went to yoga last night and I'm going again tonight.
Since I need to change the voice in my head immediately, I have Wayne Dyer on which has definitely helped tremendously.

We are influenced enormously by the input we choose- and it is always a choice- and knowing when you have to change the channel for your own well-being is pretty essential.

If you are getting into an unhealthy low-energy state you have to go get higher energy from somewhere else.

On the Way to Yoga...

I skipped yoga last week, and I went to visit Rob this past Tuesday, too, so I really needed to get my yoga groove back.

For a while now I have been thinking I should probably try a level 2 class but I love the teacher for my regular level 1 class.  It isn't a matter of choosing; I can do both.  So last night I took the plunge into the level 2 class.

I walked downtown after work.
There are two (2) pictures I regret not taking last night.
Words will have to suffice.

At the corner of 7th ave and 23rd st, a man was playing hockey in the sidewalk by himself.  It was a pretty intense game of hockey.  Maybe he was playing with the voices in his head?  In any case I think it was more of a game for pedestrians to avoid the puck.  Everyone kept walking normally through the hockey game and it all worked out.

There was a wall of signs at the hockey corner.
I enjoyed the irony of it.

Then as soon as I turned onto 13th st, I saw a lady walking a rather large (70 lb ish dog) and she let that dog make an entire LAKE OF PEE right in the middle of the sidewalk!  Right in the middle! Dogs pee outside all the time but people almost always make them do it at the side, or in the trees.  Not smack in the middle.  I really should have taken a shame photo.

*******
So, yoga level 2.

It was more difficult but I felt AMAZING afterwards...and this morning I still feel amazing.

When I was 12 or 13 years old I was babysitting for a lady named Ginger Toth. She had books. I always read peoples' books after the kids went to bed.

There was a small hardcover book called Yoga for Everyday Health or something like that. Ever since then, I wanted to do yoga. It was on my Life List.

I have a cheapie yoga mat at home but Daya nabbed it.
I don't mind because I don't like the mat***, and I have been wanting to get a new one for a long time, A good one.  A nice grippy one like the mats at Integral Yoga.

*** "don't like" means it is so terrible I can't even use it.

So last night I got my Tax Refund Present (Daya got a Hamilton tshirt)- my new yoga mat. It is the same mat we use in class, and it is turquoise!

LOVE.

Even Isis loves it.

The Room(s) Where it Happened

School is out all week........ these school holidays were so much better when I was a kid and I was off.....well, we didn't get as much time off back then....

Anyhow Daya is out of school this week.

Yesterday she came to work with me. It's been a while since Daya has been in the office.  I hooked up her computer, got her internet, and she played Roblox all day. And she had an unlimited supply of free hot chocolate.

After work we went to yoga together, and it was a good class.

Daya did a pretty excellent shoulder stand.

She's good with the physical part, but she needs to grow into the internal/mental/meditation part.  The infinite part. It is a different pace than she is used to- it isn't dance class. Also, she is eleven.

The asanas do have very definite benefits, internal and external, but yoga isn't about how well you can do it, or even how flexible you are (or are not).

It isn't about showing off, or what anyone else thinks.

Daya is definitely a natural yogi (she even has a yoga name! Daya is a Sanskrit name) and I wish she would embrace the internal part a little more, because it would really help her right now, but it isn't something that can be forced.

A lady came up to us after class to ask how old Daya is and to say she is really amazing. Which is true.

*****

Then we finally used the gift card Rob gave Daya for her birthday and went to dinner.

*****

Daya's phone ran out of juice, so on the way home we each took one of my earbuds and listened to Hamilton together.

BY THE WAY if you are not familiar with Hamilton you ought to do yourself a favor and check it out, it is seriously brilliant and amazing.

We had possibly the goofiest ride home, as goofy as possible without being annoying to others. Daya is obsessed with Hamilton, she knows the whole score and has dance moves.  I already took her to the Met to see the Hamilton portrait, Next up we have to go downtown to Trinity Church to see the grave.

Drusilla says the Museum of Finance downtown has more stuff, too.  

I grew up in New England in Newtown CT, which is a pre-Revolutionary War town (founded 1705)- so we heard a whole lot about Revolutionary War Stuff pretty much all the time.  But NYC is, of course, a fantastic place to scout out historic sites. So I'm really glad Daya is into it- we live in a perfect place to explore.

Aside from having a nice talk at dinner, I think it was a really good thing for Daya and me to just spend time together having fun and being a bit silly.

Yin Yoga

This week has been horrendous and brutal and I am still messed up.
Daya also had a horrible week.

Aside from the whole (ex) friend thing,  I have had zero money- I mean stupid-broke. I got paid yesterday so it was just a matter of scrounging through the week. Daya has had a bad week as I mentioned, but is also expressing unhappiness at things I can't really change no matter what. She is taking it out on hating her room. It is so defeating because no matter what I do she is unhappy. That includes spending time together.

I saw Rob for a very short time on Tuesday evening. We haven't really spoken since. He was cast for the tv show Discovery ID and has been in NJ on location for the past couple of days.  He did call me yesterday from the set but the reception was terrible.  We haven't ever gone this long without talking.  And it really is ok and I don't mind at all, this is a cool thing he is doing.

Girls we all know Aunt Flo loves a good shitty week too.

I remain stressed about work.

My left shoulder is still hurting.

There is a child living upstairs running around constantly. I will write the landlord; something really weird is going on upstairs. I think either shift- living or the tenant is using that apartment for people coming here illegally.

The stuff with **, while not life- changing at all, is triggering for many reasons that I just have to deal with.  And I know what those reasons are and there is no fixing them. Ever.  There is just managing bad episodes and coping.

Here is a link about effects on children of depressed mothers, including post-partum depression.

Here is a link about how the early relationships in childhood impact relationships (or lack thereof) through adult life. 

*********
Yin Yoga.
I am writing this post from the Gold room at Integral Yoga Institute.
Since I am so messed up I need to get out and to a place of good energy.
Because I am slow this morning I thought about staying home.
I thought,  I will make it if the express trains are running local. And they are!

I thought maybe I should not go into Manhattan today because of protests but then realized how silly that is. So I am here.

Though I did not make the 10:15 class, I saw there is a Yin Yoga class at 11:15 so that is what I am waiting for.  I am glad to be early because it is peaceful here and the space is what I need.

There is a nice garden out the window.

Update: I took the F train home and it was the Protest Train.

Back to Yoga

Yoga last night was pretty wonderful. I had been going regularly for a long time and I still can't believe a year passed. It is unreal.

Sudama (the teacher) remembered my name!

I was pretty surprised about that, I wasn't expecting he would even remember my face. The class isn't the kind where people get to know each other, people just show up or not. I like Sudama, and I like going to that particular class because of him.  I told him I was glad he was still there teaching, and he said some things never change.  I said I was very glad about that and it is true.

Integral Yoga really doesn't ever change and that's why I love it there so much.
It has been in the West Village since the 1960s (I think) and it is an official ashram with people in residence.

I did prenatal yoga there and it was a very comforting place to be when I was hurting really badly.

I still find it deeply comforting.  It is old, unchanging, stable, positive, and safe.

Even after a year away my body fell right into the rhythm of class, the mantras and asanas like no time had passed at all. Even though I could probably do a level 2 class, I like the atmosphere of Sudama's class so much that's where I want to be.

Yoga doesn't stop me from feeling sad but it does help immensely with coping and just taking a time-out from life.  It is amazingly regenerating and peaceful on every single level. It puts a gentle but effective structure around my thoughts.

It's normal to not be able to generate higher energy when we are low, so we have to go out and get it.  Yoga is a good place to get good energy.

After yoga I took myself out for sushi with a good book, then I walked up from 14th street to 34th street and took the train to pick up Daya.

Today is Tuesday

Today is Tuesday, another week is going by.
This evening I'm going to yoga for the first time in a year.  I can't believe it has been a year.

I have made some changes- necessary changes- over the past few months and it is an adjustment. I derail easily, and I know that, and I know why, so I have to take it into consideration.  Hopefully it will get better, but I need more time and it is ok. It's just something I have to keep in mind.

Sorting things out is difficult and sometimes I am not sure what's what.

The Fall schedule has got me with many long stretches of time by myself, several times a week. Evenings, days,  Daya is at dance a lot and Rob is busy with school.  I like being alone but it's getting to be a little bit too much, even for me. So I need to fill my time.  So, yoga tonight.

Everything with Rob is still pretty new- it's only been about three months. I have no agenda, I don't know what we are, and at this point that's ok because it is still very new.  There's a whole lot to like about Rob and I genuinely like having him around.  He is good company, We get along. I like him for who he is as a person.
It is very nice to have a man in my life.

He wants to move out of the city though, Westchester. To me, that's far and requires driving which is not an option for me.  So I don't know if I'm setting myself up for another loss and that makes me very sad. It really stinks that after this long stretch of alone-life that I would meet someone really great just to have them move away.

I don't know what to do, and maybe it's just something that needs to work itself out with time, one way or another. I don't have an agenda, I'm not the clingy type, I'm not into forcing things to be a certain way.  But isn't the point of seeing someone to grow a connection? Especially someone you like and get along well with?

In this case, perhaps more time is needed.  Since I don't know what to do, I'm going to do nothing and let things unfold however they will.  I just wish I could stop feeling sad about it.

Holey Yoga

On the way to yoga last night, I saw a person ( him? her? I never found out) carrying around what I can only assume is a Minecraft block.

Because I HAD to get a picture on the sly, I followed this person for two blocks like a Creeper (HAHAHA!!! I made a very good funny there) trying to get a picture. This was the best I got.

Last week in yoga, I noticed a small hole in my yoga pants. So I grabbed another pair. Except that I grabbed my REALLY HOLEY pair- not only do they have paint on them, but they are so holey they look like a scary monster,

My yoga pants are watching you

I seriously almost reconsidered going to class, but I just decided to embrace the situation and try to be as decently indecent as possible. It wasn't a big deal, though I was overly conscious about it.

These are the same yoga pants I wore ten years ago when I was pregnant! I won't even go to Duane Reade in them, and that is really saying something. But they are good for painting in.

Wonderings (PRT)

On Tuesday, I faced a massive dilemma of indecisiveness:

Do I go to yoga or not?
All day I was in a state of not-able-to-think-limbo.

Sometimes, it is hard to tell the difference between what I should do (go to yoga), and what I need to do. Often, the answer to both is the same. But sometimes it isn't, and I couldn't tell, which was maddening.

If I did not go to yoga, though, I was going do some oil pastel testing and schedule a few blog posts.

Well, I ended up going to yoga in a last-second decision, so answers to oil pastel wonderings happened last night instead.

The oil pastel wonderings:
When I did the oil pastel rat portraits, I worked on un-primed archival vellum with my rather ancient cheapie Holbeins.  I used a solvent wash for the under-painting which dried almost immediately.  Layering was very fast and easy, and I could knock out a 9x12 portrait in 30-40 minutes. My ancient cheapie Holbeins are much harder then Senns and are very easy to control with the method I was using.

Ancient Cheapie Holbeins

So I needed to see combinations of ancient cheapie Holbeins and Senns on primed and un-primed paper, with grey and white color shapers, solvent and no solvent.

Carey also had the experience of solvent sitting on top of colorfix. I completely understand how it is dislike-able.

Basically, it is oil pastel workflow experimentation.

 Vellum, half primed with Colorfix

It's not supposed to look like anything

I primed some vellum with colorfix. The bottom is the plain paper surface.

Top row: Senns

Bottom row: Holbeins

Left to right: straight oil pastel, blended with white color shaper, blended with grey color shaper, turps wash

On Colorfix

Senns: I like both the grey and white color shapers, but the white a little more. The turps sits on top of the surface which I do not like at all.

Holbeins: Same, except I like the grey color shapers a little more than the white ones. The turps sat on top.

Un-primed

Senns: I like the grey color shapers a little more, the turps dried immediately! Love!

Holbeins: I like the white color shapers a little more. The turps dried immediately, but I already know that. :)

THEN... I had a Great Idea!

Whoa!

Now, I know you can use oil mediums with oil pastel, but acrylic?  Hmmm.  This is cool, especially if the medium is iridescent!

I added it to my sample sheet.  It dried quickly and additional layers go on nicely. It did not smear/dilute the oil pastel, which was my main concern.  But that makes sense since it is water-based.

So I put iridescent medium over the little piece I started on Monday.  It is drying and I will put another layer on it tonight.

More layers necessary

Practice (PRT)

There is a reason that meditation is called a "practice".

Yoga is a "practice".

Anything in the arts requires constant "practice".

Life is a "practice".

Because it is about trying our best, being conscious, recollecting ourselves, and keeping on.

Without judgement of ourselves. Without judgement of others.

Breathing meditation is about silencing the mind's chatter.  The mind will invariably wander; when that happens we are to gently just bring our attention back to our breath.  Gently. It's not a big deal.

Yoga helps us cultivate a deep acceptance of the self.

-Sudama

Practicing peace is the same. 

Consciously practicing anything is the same.

It's all cumulative.

The Question (PRT)

Carey posted a post in response to my post yesterday, about the question...in question... (ha!) ... being a wrong question.

Her post is here.

*******
It's interesting that Carey interpreted this question in a totally and completely different way than I ever understood or related to it. To me, there is absolutely nothing hedonistic about it. It is a question of spiritual truth. This is a very valid question that has been asked throughout time in many different forms. It is, basically,  When you do not have to worry about anything concerning yourself anymore, what do you then focus on?

This came up for me very strongly in meditations last year...when you basically have everything you would desire for your own life, what next?

It is not a question of "What makes me happy?" or even "What do I base my happiness on?" It really isn't even about personal happiness at all. It is about allowing the mind to set aside those things which we do worry about- the mundane stuff...or personal goals...and asking ourselves- if we didn't have to put so much attention and focus on those things, what would we do? Where would our energy go? What would we focus on?

It is a very good question, one that people sometimes never consider.

*********
Humanity is in the midst of a shift. What has been completely external (in Western thought) is shifting to incorporate the internal.

"As within, so without"

It requires balance.
It requires constant practice.

Namaste.

Floating

If there is something that is the opposite of anxiety, I have it.  Aside from the things I really have to care about- Daya, work, my friends, and the general being-a-responsible-mature-adult kind of stuff- I really could not care less about much of anything else.  Great Things which are problems- real problems- over which I have no control or influence...I just have to let them be and do the best I can on the very small scale to which I have access.

The things which I care about, I care very, VERY much about. Everything else?  Whatever.

It isn't apathy. Apathy is the wrong word.  I do not lack interest or concern. I am very much engaged. It is just that, right now, there is very little that really bothers or concerns me.  The small stuff doesn't bother me. Junk at work does not bother me. The Big Stuff....I just have to let it be, I can't do anything about it aside from the small things I already do, so I just don't worry about it.

This floaty unconcerned state....I'm not sure what to call it....I am wondering if maybe I am a little too unconcerned and relaxed.  This is very odd, but I don't know if I really am just unconcerned and relaxed, or it is some kind of reaction to...... everything.  I don't know if it is a shut-down thing to having to do too much, or if I really am just floating along happy to mind my own business and do my own thing. I don't know if it is an effect, a result, of Important Thing after Important Thing falling away, over such a long time period of endurance, or if I have simply learned what is really important in life.

All the things I have to take care of are taken care of, reliably.  And beyond that, I can't worry.  Literally, I can't. Sometimes I try, just to see if I can, and I just can't. It is so strange, not knowing if this state is a good thing or not. And it is where I find myself, just floating through the days.

Yoga teaches to let go.  I find this to be very easy. Maybe too easy.

The other day I picked Daya up from dance, and it was a little late.  I got two slices  of pizza for her for dinner, and instead of rushing home we stopped to watch the sunset together. Because it was really pretty, and worth watching.  And it was nicer for her to enjoy her pizza and a sunset rather then on the train.

These were taken with my phone...I am looking forward to sunsets with my new camera.

Sudama's Wisdom

I absolutely love my yoga Tuesdays. The teacher is named Sudama.  He is a lovely Russian man, with great energy.  He knows a lot and he shares a lot.  He is funny, too.

Here is a paraphrased quote from our last class, in talking about meditation:

When you quiet the chatter in your mind, 

your inner teacher comes out. 

We all have an inner teacher. 

It wont pay the rent, but it will teach you.

-Sudama 

Om shanti

Energy Cultivation

I started meditating regularly about 20 years ago, when I was in college. The first meditation I learned was a basic chakra meditation I found in a book.  It was my "gateway meditation".  I was hooked.

Since then, I have experimented with all kinds of meditation- guided meditation, silent meditation, laughing meditation, chanting mantras, visualization meditation, staring at a candle flame meditation, contemplating death meditation, focusing on the edge of a blade meditation, japa meditation, breathing meditation, walking meditation, stillness meditation, fasting meditation, full body relaxation meditation, alpha and theta brainwave meditation- these days I have yet to meet a meditation I haven't tried in some form.  And I love all of it.  I am a verified meditation junkie.

Depending on what I need and where I am, I switch around my meditation practice.  But all of them bring me to that deep place of peace, joy, and serenity, that place of divine connection.  Unless I am really upset, I can access that serene place very easily. It has absolutely and dramatically changed the way I think and what my mind focuses on. It gives me structure to get through difficult moments.  It augments my positive moments. It has changed me from linear into holographic. One of the great benefits of meditation is that it teaches you to not judge yourself, to be gentle with yourself.  In turn, that extends to not judging others.

I had a lovely insight at yoga the other day. Before class I was relaxing with my hands in anahata chakra mudra. And in that space between my hands, I felt a lovely strong energy of deep love...a vortex... and I can visualize and put things in that space, in that energy. People, situations, places, whatever or whoever I want to hold in that space and pass that amazing energy to.

This Year

Sharon's words above are pretty much a good summation of how I feel about this year.  I feel energetic shifts happening.  I have a lot of hope for positive change.  I need some change.

What I really need to do is bring new external energy in.  I'm so internal- very good at the internal stuff, but I am not so good at external.  And this is my challenge.  I need to bring in new energy, new people, new positive influences, get involved in new things.  One would think in a city like NYC that would be easy.  In some ways it is, in many ways it is not.

My starting point is going back to yoga.  IYI has a lot of events as well, which I will check out.  The nice things is that I can either go alone, or I can bring Daya with me now that she is old enough.

So, while I have a good attitude and am doing the right things, I am struggling between the balance of having hope and having expectations.  Expectations lead to disappointment.

It is good to not have expectations, but how to balance that with attaining what you want?  I don't know.

But I do know I need to open up externally more.  It's a paradox; a while ago I wrote about being too yang- but in this respect I am way too yin.  Spring is the perfect season to bring in new energy.

My personal mantra and challenge is to stay open and positive. This is something I constantly have to remind myself when negative and doubtful thoughts surface. It is a constant, ongoing effort.

Yoga with Daya

I took Daya to yoga with me last Sunday.  IYI offers a free intro class and I knew Daya could handle it, so I took her.

She did really great...and it helps that she is already very bendy.  She really enjoyed the class and said she would do it again. The inner meditation that yoga offers would be so excellent for Daya, so I will definitely take her again.

The most wonderful thing, however, was that our class together was in the very same room where I did prenatal yoga.  It really was very special.

IYI Yantra
One Truth, Many Paths

Mantras and Mudras

                                           ॐ

The things we need find us when we are ready for them, when we need them.  It is never coincidence.  Our job is to stay open, listen, and pay attention.  Accept the gifts that are constantly offered, and keep the flow going and extend to others.

I started working with mantras almost 15 years ago.  They are a lovely way to meditate. Sometimes I use my mala beads and sometimes I do not.  I practice them for a while, then I leave them for a while and come back to them eventually.  The first mantra I worked with...

Om mani padme hum 

...is a compassion mantra.  Some say that all the teachings of the Buddha are contained in this mantra.

When I was pregnant I sang this mantra a lot, which is a Divine Mother mantra:

om ma pahimam

om ma rakshamam

There is also the Hey Ma  Durga Mantra, which is really beautiful.

hey ma Durga rakshamam

hey ma Durga pahimam

Of course I love the Gayatri Mantra, which is just an amazing, incredible, and awesome mantra. There is a ton of into on it already, which an easy Google search will locate.

ॐ भूर्भुवः॒ स्वः ।

तत्स॑वितुर्वरे॑ण्यं

भ॒र्गो॑ दे॒वस्य॑ धीमहि ।

धियो॒ यो नः॑ प्रचो॒दया॑त् ॥

Aum Bhur Bhuva Svah 
Tat Savitur Varenyam 
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi 
Dhiyo Yo Naha Prachodayat

I have found a new mantra (or it found me...same thing I guess) which is:

Jaya Jaya Shiva Shambho 

Mahadeva Shambho

This is a happy mantra which opens your heart.

A good explanation is here:

Shiva represents the power of transformation and is pure consciousness. Shiva is that which you are capable of becoming. Shiva is often called Mahadeva, the Great God, and also Shambo, the abode of joy.

*****

So, mudras.  Most people know Anjali Mudra, which is the hands together in front of your heart- the traditional hands together in prayer.

Anjali Mudra

Most people have some familiarity with Dhyana Mudra or Jnani Mudra, which is the tip of the thumb and index finger touching.  This creates a closed energy circuit which is useful in meditation.

Jnana Mudra

These are the two I always worked with.  But I am exploring mudras more.  There are lots and lots of mudras and they all do different things and have different benefits- physical, spiritual, and emotional.

The one I have started working with is the Anahata Chakra Mudra. (Heart Chakra Mudra) This mudra improves health heart and lungs, chest, and breathing. it is also good for compassion, love, and healing abilities.

Anahata Chakra Mudra

                                              ॐ