Positive Nonviolent Discipline (PRT)

PROLOGUE
This is a really rambly ranty post. I set out intending to be concise but that didn't happen.

START RANT
A friend of mine shared this Facebook video.
I watched it once and I can't watch it again, it has got me so upset.

PLEASE take a moment to look at these pages which are a starting resource to change understanding of corporeal punishment and learn non-violent approaches to dealing with conflict and discipline.

http://www.slideshare.net/srjojofma/positive-discipline

http://www.hands.org.gy/files/Parenting%20Handbook.pdf

http://www.nonviolenceeducation.com/nonviolentdiscipline.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/

https://suzukiassociation.org/news/25-nonviolent-discipline-options/

It is NEVER ok to hit a child. 

There are far more effective ways to correct 

and manage your kid. 

Hitting them is "justified" violence and bullying.

It is abusive.

Nothing, absolutely nothing will ever convince me otherwise.
This video really hit my nerves and my heart on so many levels.

*********
I don't believe in punishment.
I DO believe in consequences.
I DO believe in discipline.

Punishment is making someone suffer because they did something "wrong" so they have to be intentionally hurt because of it.

Consequences are the natural outcome of one's actions, positive or negative.

There are, of course, times when a person must be disabled of their ability to commit acts which hurt themselves or others.

But I want to talk about children right now, not adults, not criminals.

*********

The child in the video was definitely needing correction and guidance, and he's probably a smart-ass but beating the crap out of him is just awful.  That's not going to solve anything.  He'll learn that when he is an adult it will be ok to hit others smaller and younger (or his girlfriend/wife)

He has also learned that he cannot get help or protection, that because he is a child he can be bullied by those in authority.

This is a horrible message at best, and a very dangerous one at worst.

AND- No one is willing to assist the mother in learning better parenting skills.  

She doesn't know any better.  She needs help too!!!

*******
It certainly is very possible to be a parent instead of a friend and never hit your kids.
I'll never be parent of the year (or even parent of the day) but I do think Daya is a great kid and she pretty much listens (almost always on the important stuff) and we don't have a lot of "discipline" issues. We DO communicate a whole lot and I never hit her.  I can't even consider it, not even hypothetically. I don't mind being scary but I can't stomach the thought of hurting her.

Perfecting the Terrifying-Lazer-Mom-Stare-of-the-Apocalypse is imperative.
It's ok for kids to be a little bit afraid of their parents. But not because they will get the crap beaten out of them.

Daya absolutely HATES the Terrifying Lazer-Mom glare.
I'm so good at it that several times she has stopped whatever she was doing just because she didn't want "The Look".

I am good at being non-violently scary.
Daya regularly tells me I am scary.
But I never hit her, ever, and I never will.

PLEASE DO NOT HIT YOUR CHILDREN

http://www.slideshare.net/srjojofma/positive-discipline

END RANT

EPILOGUE THOUGHTS
During the writing of this blog post Daya was in the bathroom and she knocked over the cup that has all my makeup brushes. I went in to see what happened.  It isn't worth getting mad over.  Accidents happen, it's not a big deal. Daya had to pick everything up, and when her friend goes home she has to wash all my makeup brushes.  I'll show her how and then she has to do it.  That's all.

All kids need guidance and correction in order to (hopefully) become decent human beings who are an asset to society. When I need to, I take away privileges such as electronics or computer time. Daya lost her $20 metrocard so she had to pay for it with her allowance.

If Daya starts having academic problems in school due to either skipping school or not doing her work, she knows dance will be the first thing to go. (She got a straight A report card so I am not too worried about school)

Occasionally (not often) I get REALLY MAD at Daya.
She remembers these times much better than I do.
I was furious when she lost her phone this past May. Because she didn't follow the phone rules I must have gone over about a thousand times...., (Keep your phone charged, keep it in your purse when you aren't using it)  So, yeah, I was really furious. And I said so and she sure knew it but I never even thought about hitting her.

***********
Yes is yes and no is no.
As parents we definitely need to make threats sometimes...the trick is to never make a threat you aren't willing to follow through on. And TALK to your kids.  Communicate with them in an age-appropriate way.

You CAN reason with an 8 year old.
You CANNOT reason with a toddler. They do need immediate feedback but they don't need the crap beaten out of them, ever.

*********
I had a notorious troublemaker child over once, he was acting terribly. I informed him his mother was goig to know about it.  This child (he was 7) looked me right in the face and said "What's she going to do? Smack me and yell and say not to do it again? I don't care. It's not going to work. I'll just do it again."

This was a child in desperate need of enforced boundaries.
His mother once yelled herself red in the face at him for 20 minutes about how he wasn't going on an easter egg hunt, then when he calmed down she started packing his things to go.

I said "What? You just spent 20 minutes telling him he can't go."
She said she would feel bad if he missed out.
And she regularly hit her child.
Real effective.

Straight A

Fifth grade is officially OVER and Daya got a straight A report card, except for gym. 

Which makes no sense but I don't care.

THIRTEEN dance classes, assisting two classes, and being on team and she still managed to knock out straight As!

I told her I don't care how much dance she takes as long as she keeps her grades up.

She did it.

Daya rocks.

Graduation!

Daya graduated 5th grade yesterday!

Award

Daya got a Drama Award in the awards ceremony at school.

There was .....a violin concert.... right in the middle of the award ceremony.
It was so very extremely odd.

Someone deserves the Strange Ceremony Award for planning that.
The violins should have played at the start of the ceremony.

Instead, about 15 minutes into announcing awards, the violins got their awards and then went offstage to get their violins and come back onstage.  They played two songs and left again.

Then, the rest of the awards were given out.

So. Very. Odd.

Spinny

Archaic

Daya and I were waiting for the train and she asked me, "What does 5-10-25 mean? Is that some kind of code or date?"

I had to explain it meant nickels, dimes, and quarters.  And how there weren't many pay phones left anymore because everyone has cellphones.

Daya had a lot of questions about payphones.

There aren't many left throughout the city. I'm not sure if this one still works.

Such Disappoint

1. I have Thursday, Friday, Monday, and Tuesday off.
I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS NO SCHOOL ON THURSDAY OR TUESDAY!

I was SO LOOKING FORWARD to some child-free days off!

Stupid-no-school-I am-upset-I-need-a-freaking-BREAK!

I think I will cancel my vacay day on Tuesday and reschedule it for when Daya won't be home.

NOTE: I don't care if this sounds terrible, it's nothing against Daya but I just want some time and space to myself without someone needing something.

2. I was going to do a small painting tonight but it is almost 10pm and...yeah it's not going to happen.

Painting fail. :(

3. Stupid stupid stupid Con Edison took my electric bill and now I'm overdrawn until Friday.

4. There is no picture for this blog post.

5. No thunderstorms today.

It Was a Long Day

9am to 7pm.
Volunteers have lots of work to do...taking the little kids to the bathroom, check in, check out, getting the little kids upstairs and downstairs, helping with anything- costumes, etc.

But I took pictures from the wings.
I took a LOT of pictures and I will give the links out to everyone.

Daya is in pain, but she is showered and in bed.
I am completely zonked.

I'll deal with uploading photos over the next few days but in the meantime here is a video of team rehearsal from early morning before the first recital. They aren't in costume for this number- most of them are in dress for the opening act, which this song was not.

Daya is the one who does a flip across stage.

Recital Day & Pink Clouds

Pink Clouds

5x7

Pastel on colourfix primed stonehenge

********

I painted this, and the one from yesterday while binge-watching Game of Thrones season 4.

What an awesome series.

*******

When this posts it will be Sunday, which is recital day. Daya hurt her knee- somehow- on Thursday. She is ok though, between ice packs, a knee brace, tylenol, advil, tiger balm, and some other stinky analgesic cream I can't remember the name of. She had a full day of dance today, two classes and a long team rehearsal and she is fine.

Recital day will be long- we have to be there early and will be there all day.  It is fun though; I really enjoy it.

Because I volunteer, I can go wherever I want which is infinitely better than sitting in the audience.

Field Trip

Daya's class took a a field trip to the Imperial Theater in Times Square to learn about Les Miserables.
It wasn't the full show, just a few musical highlights and they got to see some theater special effects. Stuff like that.

Initially I was surprised they were going to see Les Miz because it is definitely not a children's story.
But that's ok.  Over the weekend Daya got to learn the entire story and listen to all the songs, which she liked very much. I rented the 2012 movie for her which is basically the musical in a movie.
Without the cool revolving stage.

Anyhow, I work right in Times Square so I went to meet Daya's class when they came out of the theater.

Daya was very happy to see me, and it was cool to say hi to her in the middle of the day, too.

Field Trip

From Tech Rehearsal

My video of the ballet dance is a little blurry!  Boo... :(

Mad: Whatever

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm
I'm working on a painting and it isn't done and I just NOW remembered tomorrow is mutual madness day.

So, er, whatever.
I have nothing to show.
Because I was uncoordinated and I do not want to show my painting unfinished.

This is not how I planned Mad: Whatever to go.

**********
We were at the tech rehearsal for recital until 9:30pm.
We were there for 5 1/2 hours.
It's fun though; I really enjoy it.
Because I volunteer, i can go backstage and wherever I want.
I like that very much.

My blog posted a draft post with a link I saved...sorry about that.  :p  posting every day means I'm bound to screw up once in a while. Whatever.

I got a huge stack of dance pictures and they were very expensive.

Recital was very expensive, by the way.

Daya also got her  palate-expander-retainer which was even more expensive.

Whatever.

Competition Pics & Other Sundries

Here are some pictures from Daya's dance competition.
I did not take any of them.

**********
I cleaned Daya's room on Saturday while she was in team rehearsal.
Her room was pretty bad, and I knew she felt overwhelmed. So I fixed it.
She was very happy and she loves it.

I told her that keeping it up is very simple: garbage goes in garbage, put stuff away when you are done. (which includes laundry)  She likes to put things wherever, especially the floor, and that's the main cause of why her room gets so messed up. I keep telling her it's easy to just put things back where you got them. She says it is hard. (???) Then she says she doesn't understand the point of putting something back if she will just use it again.

Ummmm.... so you can find it? So your room stays neat?

Maybe this is just something she will have to grow into.

In the meantime, I enforce it everywhere else and I'll probably get on her case more about her room.
She has a wonderful room.  It's big and sunny and purple, hardwood parquet floor, and she has a nice dance corner with a barre, mirror, all her dance pictures on the wall.  Her night light is a 5 gallon fish tank. I tell her it is her space, I want it to be a happy room, one she loves and is proud of.  That taking care of it is loving her space and herself.

*********
I have been feeling remarkably better since that past life stuff came up.
Seriously much better, like something finally broke apart that I have had since (before) birth.
I feel different. In a good way.

So we'll see what happens.

Surveillance

The surveillance is unnerving.
They are definitely judgmental, except for Furball.

Competition

Yesterday Daya had her first dance competition.

She only danced in one dance but she. killed. it.

On a new stage, in with hundreds of strangers from many schools- I think mostly from Long Island.
Big flashy schools.

In comparison, Daya's studio is small...but they are so amazing.

Seriously, I was just overwhelmed watching her.  She turns into a different person on stage...Stage-Daya. She is incredibly commanding and precise.  She has such presence. Commanding stage presence.

She does work very hard at technique etc but stage presence isn't really a thing you can practice at home. She was just so good.

No photos or video allowed, but she will do the dance for recital.

Some kind friends drove us out to Long Island.
We were parked next to this person.

Well ok, then.

When we got home Daya had to wash off her makeup and wash her hair.

There was so much gunk in her hair it stayed in place by itself.

Daya thought it was hilarious and insisted I took pictures.

Not Photogenic

Isis is a very pretty cat but she takes terrible pictures.

We take pictures anyhow.

She makes up for all her terrible pictures with her extremely loud rumble-purr.

Stellar Parenting

Daya is driving to Wisconsin with Branwen and Branwen's cats next month.
I mentioned this to someone at work, and they asked, "Where in Wisconsin?"

Huh. I never did find that out, other than "Branwen's parents' farm."

So I said, "I don't know."

Then later the same day, Daya called from dance and said her senior trip was on the same day she was supposed to leave.

I called Branwen to see if she would be willing to leave one day later.  (Yes)
Branwen asked, "Where is the senior trip?"

Huh.  I didn't know that, either.
I do know I paid $65 for it though.

So I said- again,  "I don't know."

This is stellar parenting.
Role model material.

*****
I have since found out that the senior trip is to Medieval Times, which I think is somewhere in New Jersey.

I still don't know where in Wisconsin Daya will be, except that it will be on a farm and I am really jealous because I, too, want to go to a farm in Wisconsin.

The road trip part I am happy to skip.

But I !LOVE! farms and farm animals and horses!! and I want to go hang out in a cheeze cave.

****
Also, fuck Mother's Day. It's stupid.
The only thing stupider than Mother's Day is Father's Day.

Many Thousands

How?
I don't know.
No idea.
Two years.
Many thousands.

It starts next Monday.

I cry.

**********
I really don't like having to shoulder 100% of everything.
People say, "Oh, but aren't you proud of yourself for doing such a great job?"

No. It's a brutal circumstance on so many levels.
It is not good.
I do what I have to do because there is no other choice.

Emotionally, physically, financially, logistically, everything.
It's scary and daunting to look at the parenting road ahead, and I have no one to share that with, or talk about it with.
If I need answers I have to find them on my own.
There is no assistance or support, relief, or comfort.
Most people doing this solo-parenting thing either have family, a significant other, or an ex involved.
I have never encountered anyone else on this solo-parenting road who has none of those.

It's not right but that doesn't matter, I have no choice.
It just really stinks and I'm so worn out.

That Time Again....

Dance pictures.
Recital.
Competition.
Daya has 8 costumes this year.
8!!
They cost a small fortune.
The pictures will also cost a small fortune....but it is one of those things you just have to do.

Crunchy!

Crunchy lunch??