Just Some Things

Did you know that you can get actual for reals PTSD from really stupid things?
I shouldn't be judging myself like that, but it really does seem silly on the surface, until it gets Serious and isn't silly anymore.

I have actual for-real professionally-diagnosed PTSD from the neighbors' music upstairs.

Yeah, I thought it was stupid too.
Eva said it isn't stupid, it can happen from all kinds of things.

So I have these neighbors upstairs- for a year and a half- who are LOUD and they BLAST music and I'm still trying to get a resolution.  But the pounding drums and bass have really affected my mental health- badly- I can't have that in my home.  I have been in this apartment for 12 years- many people moved in and out upstairs- and nothing has ever been a problem like this.

I have spoken with the neighbors several times- and the last time I spoke with them I told them how it was affecting me, and it did seem to get better for a while.  But this past weekend they started up again and I went into a Bad Place with it.  Bad enough that I had flashbacks of when I was in high school and my mother used to intentionally blast music at full volume in the car with the sole intent of making me suffer.
I had forgotten all about it.

So that's when the PTSD stops being stupid and becomes a Serious Thing.

I contacted my friend T because I needed immediate help and I knew she would understand, also she is just as weird as I am so that helps. And she did help.  She gave me a person to contact who has helped her. After meditating Sunday night my whole body went into a crazy detox- I felt flushed all over and I could not stop shaking.  I contacted T's person, and she talked to me and did a clearing. (no charge)

She told me I would still have the physical reactions for a little over an hour after, and she was right.

Apparently I had a ton of stuff that just needed to be cleaned out.
I can honestly say I feel so much clearer and better after the cleansing.
I don't feel 100% good, but I do notice a big difference.

The music upstairs is still a huge issue- and is still affecting me badly- but I have more hope of a good outcome now.  I am feeling more connected in general.  T's person said I had been in a weird energy vortex...she didn't know exactly what but she said it was weird and it was time to go.  I think I do know what it was at least partially, nothing bad, but yes, time to go.  She also said I have a ton of guides around me. Standing room only, I was told.... I haven't felt anything for a while so that was just nice to hear. Even if I can't feel it.

I have not been keeping up with my usual basic spiritual hygiene to be honest. Not for a while.
So I need to deal with this noise situation with the landlord,  do triple grids, clearing, meditate, and just recover in general.

I really, really, really need a break from stress.

If you have any  good vibes to spare,  whoever, wherever and whenever you are, please send a few my way,

Thanks.

Message Maybe? and GRRRRR

I haven't thought much about Gabriel since s/he showed up a couple of months ago.

But I maybe might be starting to understand it.
I did get a message, it was subtle, kind-of, but if something comes across your vision and nags and tugs at you, it is probably best to check it out.

So I'm checking something out. Should be interesting.

What I think is that Gabriel gives everyone a lot of messages all the time. Sometimes they don't make sense immediately, or people don't pay attention, or they get a pretty strong "heads up!" then they forget because time can do that to us.

****
Mini-update:  HAHAHA yep definitely Gabriel and I got the message.

******
GROUCHED OUT #1
My fuckwit neighbors with their piano.
It is LOUD.
It is BAD.
I cannot for the life of me understand why they don't move their goddamn piano.

GROUCHED OUT #2\
I got new upstairs neighbors over the summer.  Supposedly a 70-something old man living alone with a home health care aide.

Yeah right, no way.

He has definitely imported people into that apartment, and there is definitely a kid living there.

The other night I had to go up there because they were BLASTING music down thru my ceiling.

I have called the landlord.

I have called the super, who is FINALLY starting to admit it might not be just one old guy living alone up there.

SUPER-GROUCHED OUT #3

Over the summer when I was looking to meet people/date I met a guy and we went out a few times. He was a really nice guy, has 2 daughters, and I thought, an actual adult and I made the mistake of not wanting to be mean even though I knew from the start it would never work out.

Not to mention this person was the freaking clingiest person I have ever met.

I was very honest with him back in July- I said I was still going to see other people. Then in the beginning of August- I told him I was starting to see Rob and I wanted to stay with that and see how it goes.  He wanted to be friends.  I said- ok, but I need to be very clear that I am not interested in anything romantic with you.

And this guy would just not take no for an answer.

Being nice didn't work.

Completely ignoring him didn't work.

Getting really angry and being very mean, and outright TELLING HIM TO STOP did not work.

I thought in the beginning of December I was finally done- but he freaking texted me when I was at Winter Walk. So I blocked him.

This morning I got a Facebook friend request from him, and I blocked him there too. It blew up my anger. I need this person to go the fuck away IMMEDIATELY and PERMANENTLY.

I had actually felt badly about rejecting him (had to tell him three times), but when he kept on I stopped feeling bad. Now I'm just super angry about it.

He is not nice, he is a creepy stalker.

I hope he forgot where I live and if I see him I will call the police immediately.

Gloomy

I'm feeling very gloomy today and I know why.
I don't know how to fix it though. There isn't anything I can do.

I threw out a prayer for help the other day and I took a nice long mid-morning nap (I am off work today) and I had a dream about Archangel Gabriel.

When Archangels show up it is best to pay attention.
So now I have to learn about and figure out how to work with Gabriel.

I don't really understand why Gabriel showed up, as s/he is a messenger and is more about announcements and taking action on projects and leadership. My issue does not fall into those categories.

Rafael I would understand.
Gabriel I do not understand.

Gabriel

*****
I was going to go out painting but was undecided because we have 40mph wind gusts.
Wind is a plein air painter's worst enemy.

Daya is home today and she was griping about being lonely so I didn't rush to go out.
Then I woke up and was really going to go out but now it is too late because the cemetery closes at 5 and it is after 2 and that's where I want to go.

I unpacked my Belly River box from my backpack and opened it to make sure I didn't leave anything in there.

Now, I am really careful with that box. I have been using it for years and I treat it well.
The hinges have been a little sticky but I went to open the box as I normally do and the wood completely split off and the hinges will not move at all.

There are no words, I am so upset!!

I emailed Ben Haggett, and I'll ask Rob if he will have a look at it since he is a master (for real) carpenter and all...he knows wood....I'm hoping Rob will help because otherwise I'll send it to Ben but I don't want to be apart from my box because I use it all the time!!

I am SO UPSET.

Cemetery Dust

Yesterday I went to one of our local cemeteries to paint.  I love going there; it is so peaceful and serene.  The grounds are well-kept and it is a beautiful place.  Autumn colors were on display, too.

It didn't take me too long to find a spot...I knew going in that I wanted to do a statue...and I found this statue of Archangel Michael with a foliage backdrop.

I'm not very good at painting foliage, it messes me up every time.

The light on the statue kept changing every 4 minutes or so...

And I took this picture of my setup, then the wind came and knocked over my gear.  That was the second time I have blown over, and it was only because of my stupid umbrella which I had to stop using. I'm very glad the grass was dry because that would have been deadly for my pastels.  only one broke which is no big deal and I collected all of them safe and sound.

Stupid wind.

8x10 pastel, about 2 hours.

Infusion (PRT)

Ecce crucem Tolemac

Fugite partes adverse

Vincit leo de tribu Juda

RADIX AMORE 

Alleluia

Sometimes energy can get stuck to us and it needs to get cleaned off.
Yesterday I had that anger energy stuck to me.

My issues aside, I know myself and when I give something space, and I acknowledge and vent it, and it is STILL there. something else is going on.

Nothing has happened in the present time to cause me to keep holding that energy, nor is it serving any kind of positive purpose. It is messing up my energy.

So it is either a bit of energy that attached itself to me because I was a vibrational match, or it isn't even mine at all. I don't think it is mine because it feels different than when I am upset due to my own triggers. (This can be a hard thing to sort out if you are energy-sensitive and haven't learned to distinguish what is yours and what you picked up from someone else.)

In any case it has to go. It needs to expire, leave me. I need to get my energy vibration out of the mud and raise the frequency. Sometimes this is difficult.

When I need a really quick and effective energy cleanse, meditation, a bath, and Archangel Michael is a generally effective combination. Oh, and exercise. And maybe a Triple Grid.  It's like a massive infusion of high vibration energy that clears out all the junk.  Like a good shower.

The point is that in order to change your vibration you have to go and get higher vibration energy from somewhere else.  If you know where to go this is pretty easy. It is everywhere, available for everyone, at all times.

October Winds

Have you ever wanted something so badly, over such a long period of time, and it just never happens no matter how hard you try, or how much you let go and stop trying?

And then it shows up to taunt you, but disappears, then comes back to remind you, then disappears again?

It's hard.  Too hard.

*******
Two years ago when my ex-BFF was living with me for a month (October 2013) with her two kids and her boyfriend, Archangel Michael showed up very strongly and directly in a very specific and tangible dream. It was energy I desperately needed at the time, and it contained a gift, and a message.

Do angels lie?

*******
The change of seasons always brings remembered resonance of seasons past.
Sometimes that is nice and sometimes it is not.

******
Daya goes to Middle School next year.  We are going to apply to two- one we are zoned for (which will take her no matter what) and another in the neighborhood that would be better.  I have to learn what they want for applications, to see if she can get in on audition for their performing arts program. Either way, Middle School will be fine.  There is a Middle School Fair later today.  Lots to find out.

Orange Tree, Bronx Zoo

October 2013

Then What? (PRT)

Recently I read this blog post which asks a question:

Imagine everything in your life was fixed. You had all you needed. You were, brace yourself… actually happy. Content even. Then what? What would you do with your time here?

I don't agree with everything in the blog post.  But I did like this question. It is an important one.

Interestingly, it is something that I consciously dealt with and answered last September. It did come up for me in the course of my meditations. So it was very interesting to see it AFTER I had already been presented with it, and after I had already answered it.

I know what my answer is to this question.

I know it fully and deeply; I thought about it, but it didn't take very long. It is my Inner Truth and I doubt it will ever change.

Even though I do post some really personal things here, my answer to this question remains between me and God.  I have already said there is only one thing I want for myself in this life.  I do not have it.  I may never have it. But my answer remains the same, regardless if I have that one thing or not.

What is your answer?

Archangel Michael

Yelahiah

A friend forwarded me an email about free angel readings.  What the heck, it was free so I signed up. Of course the reading was total BS...I know this because for the fun of it I did it again with a different birthday and email...the Angel was different but the rest of the "reading" was exactly the same.

BUT- I discovered the angel Yelahiah (pronounced Yela-yah), the Karmic Warrior, Angel 44 in the choir of Virtue who apparently has something or other to do with the Physical for birthdays Oct 29th through November 2.  Well, that's me.  (I researched more and found there are other angels ruling intellectual and emotional as well)

Here's what my "free reading" (lol) said about Yelahiah:

Yelahiah is the Angel who embodies faithfulness. Faithfulness in the noble sense of the word. Faithfulness as regards values, faithfulness as regards the established order, as well as love, goodness, primordial wisdom, so that you may forge ahead, with a pure heart and your head held high, on the path to your destiny…

Thus, Yelahiah will inspire within you a sense of responsibility, of respect for your commitments. Yelahiah will also contribute to the balance and harmony between your divine “I” and your earthly “I”. This will result in greater open-mindedness and powerful perceptive abilities that can lead you to your objectives, whether these be personal or professional.

Yelahiah is also the Angel who embodies justice; his symbol is a sacred tree, the three branches of which are Truth, Freedom, and Justice… from Truth comes Freedom; from Freedom comes Justice. Yelahiah frees the oppressed, protects the innocent, and reveals the true, authentic facts. He protects lawmen and assists them in their quest for what is right.

Yelahiah also provides you with unexpected support when defending just causes. He lights the dark side of things, shows you the way you must follow, and escort you to the end of the tunnel.

Yelahiah develops your taste for discovery, impels you to move forward, straight to success.

Under his divine influence, you can get a kind of material success, mostly through “reparations” for some injustice you may have suffered.

He too is seen as the angel of pure souls. He symbolizes the return to the faith after a period of doubt. He releases the being and the soul of their bad thoughts and bad habits. Yelahiah is the angel of Purification. He opens new perspectives, changes minds, and upsets mindsets.

Yelahiah will also quash your doubts and decrease your anxieties. He gifts you with a quick and practical intelligence that allows you to multiply your odds of success in everything you undertake.

Here is another link with cool info

Here's another link

I think I really like Yelahiah. I relate to a lot of this.  So, while the "free reading" was total bunk, it was cool to learn about this Angel.

I do need angelic presence- especially in times like now where I don't feel connected to anything.  I just have to trust it is there regardless.

I Don't Know

God has spoken promises over you; He’s put dreams in your heart. It may seem too big, and you don’t think you have the talent. You may not, but God does. He’s already put your name on that dream. - Joel Osteen

There is something I just don't know about.
I have asked my Angels for clarity but I do not find it. Either they are just being quiet or I am not receiving my guidance properly. Or I have already received it but I keep asking anyhow.  But I really just don't know.

It is a really difficult thing to know, sometimes, when to have faith and hold on or let go.

*****
To quote Carolyn Myss...

What is the difference between perseverance, endurance, and knowing it is time to move on?

When you are manufacturing excuses as to why you cant try something  you are sabotaging, vs trying and accepting the outcome that says "I don't see any movement here. I'm being asked to wait."

*****
The right answer is to always have faith and give it to God.  Wait for instruction and guidance. And that can be so, so hard.  Keeping faith is not an easy thing.  I have to consciously invoke it, many times every day. It is my lifeline, and I do hold onto it for dear life.

God knows how to get people to change. Your job is to love them, pray for them, and help them when you can. - Joel Osteen

I like the sentiment of that quote, except that we do have the choice over our change.

Holy Mother God,

Please keep my emotions steady and 

my heart open so that I can learn what I need to learn today. 

And please keep me cool.

Amen

                                                                 -Sonia Choquette

Spiritual Endurance

Here is a passage from Spiritual Madness by Caroline Myss.  When I heard this for the first time, it resonated with me so deeply I got chills.

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Endurance and patience are two of the classic lessons of the mystical experience.  What does endurance solve? Endurance makes your soul come up to the surface.  Endurance gives you spiritual stamina.   The biggest fear I see in people- bigger than the fear of dying- is being alone.  

I have witnessed and met very few people 

who are genuinely on the mystical path- 

who have not been asked to endure alone-ness.

Why?  Because you must be able to wait for the voice of God.  And how do you do that?  You literally have to listen to all of the voices that talk to you all the time that are based upon your fears. That are based upon what you have expected from life.  What you are invoking when you are alone and going through endurance is how you thought your life should be, and you've got to be able to give that up.

********* 

I know that spiritual learning and purpose is always more important than human wants and needs. But sometimes, I sure would like for them to be one and the same.

The Hermit

This card symbolizes so much of my life.

I don't mind that at all but I feel ready for change.

Image is from the Art Nouveau tarot, which is a gorgeous deck and was one of my first.

*********
Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is how our own healing naturally extends to others, If we have successfully dealt with a certain situation, hardship, traumatic event, whatever it is- if we have overcome it then that pathway is created to help others.  It opens up an energy frequency. We are able to relate to and see people from the inside out, guide them, and love them.  It gives us the right to speak with authority that healing is possible because we have been there.

Raphael

Prayer and Endings and Beginnings

I like the below passage. 

"Prayer is the greatest miracle in the world, because prayer means trust, love, surrender. It means all that is valuable. Prayer is not just repeating a formula, it is a pouring out of the heart. Prayer gives a different quality to your being. It is not that by praying you change god’s mind; there is nobody like god as a person and there is no such mind as god’s mind. People who pray try to change the mind of god; they are ill and they would like to be healthy, so they want to change the mind of god, but that is not true prayer. The true Prayer is that which changes you, not god. God is irrelevant, god is just an excuse, a device: the real thing is that the prayer changes the one who prays. When you are Praying you are no more the same person.

The ordinary mind continuously doubts; in prayer the doubt is relaxed, the gestalt changes, you start trusting. The ordinary mind always thinks negatively; in prayer you move to the positive; the pendulum moves from one polarity to another. The ordinary mind is always desiring, hankering, groping in the future; in prayer the future disappears, you are utterly here, now. This moment becomes your totality, and in that very totality something, a door that has remained closed forever, opens up.
To pray means to trust in miracles, to pray means that things are possible without your doing anything at all. To pray means that you need not go anywhere and all can come to you, wherever you are. To pray means that the existence has not abandoned you; you can still call it forth. It has mothered you, it is not indifferent to you. In short, prayer means believing in the impossible before breakfast! And when you believe in the impossible, it happens. When you believe in the impossible you have created the situation for it to happen; it was only impossible because there was no belief. Because the trust was not there it was impossible; now trust makes all things possible. Trust knows nothing is impossible."
Osho

My difficulty lies in having prayed in as connected a way as I know how to...having been in that Open state, that state of trust and miracles....it is a difficult thing to sustain, the euphoria of prayer- and yet, still, it comes to nothing.  

Perhaps the fault is intrinsically mine, for having Wants. Or for not being connected enough.  Even though Abraham-Hicks states that we are supposed to be in a state of wanting, how else would we be able to connect with our dreams and desires?

************
Well, I managed a blog post every day this month.  And it is getting harder and harder to find non-cheesy images of Archangel Michael.

Here is a picture from my house altar, to close out the month.  All endings bring in new beginnings.
Let's see if November brings anything.

I Can't Pray My Way Through or Around It

I'm really in a quandary lately about things we can and can't control.  And I mean this in the context of our own connections, feelings and reactions.  What we feel.  Feelings that just move themselves in with no invitation. And won't go away.

There is so much talk and emphasis on change your thoughts change your life,  And how we are in control of our reality (true!) thoughts (true!) and actions (true!)-- and having a spiritual solution to every problem.

But what about certain feelings and reactions?  The things we feel and may or may not act upon depending on what is appropriate?  Feelings that are constantly there getting in the way?

I consider myself to be a reasonably mentally and emotionally mature adult.  I am very self-aware.  I am friends with myself.  I have done a LOT of conscious work on myself through the years to get to where I am, and I continue to do this work. 

But what happens when we feel something and no matter what we just cannot make it go away?  I do not understand how I am not in control of this, but it seems like I am not. 

I am used to the mindset that I CAN control my thoughts and reactions, and I recognize when feelings just need to work their way through me in their own time.  And that is ok.   But there are feelings I do not want.  I ignore it, do not feed it, and it just refuses to die.  I actively try to kill it and STILL it refuses to die. I seek spiritual assistance and clarity and yet nothing changes.  How is this possible? This angers me.  Not anger towards myself or another person- more towards God and life in general.

Because there seems to be no point or purpose.  I had a chat with Jenn about it as she has gone through the same thing.  She understands.  She did not see and still does not see the point of her own experience.  Which is incredibly disheartening, but true to life.  She says there are some things even about our own selves that are beyond our control.  And it really sucks.  I don't like that there is an inner state of being about myself that I can't control.  I don't know what to do with this.  It is almost like it is a living thing. I maneuver around it for the most part, but I always feel its presence.

I want it to go away and I don't know how to make it go away or process it or move it out of my energy system.

I need to do a post on conflicting inspiration, guidance, and spiritual messages because they are everywhere.  That might take me a little while to do, as I need to collect various sundries and assemble them.

**************

So, Today

I was planning on coming in to work early because work blew right the %#%( up this week...I went to sleep early last night and could. not. sleep.  I might have finally fallen asleep around 4am.  I had some disturbing strange, very sad dreams, then it was time to wake up.

Isis did not want to snuggle with me.

While I was making Daya's lunch this morning the jelly jar smashed on the floor.  I didn't have time to clean it so my kitchen floor is covered in cherry jelly and broken glass which went flying everywhere.  I'm praying the cats stay away...I moved their food and water....

On the subway the strange guy sitting next to me fell asleep...on me...but at least he apologized.

I actually had breakfast this morning.  The man in front of me was having trouble with his card so I bought his breakfast.  My random act of kindness is accomplished.

Also, for the last week I thought I was turning a whole year older than I actually am.
Superstar me.  I don't even know how old I am anymore.

Today I have to stay late at work to finish someone else's mess of a project that is due.

I can't help but reflect on life on my birthday, and today I feel overwhelmed and lost.  Like I went wrong somewhere in life.  But I don't know what I would- or could- have done differently.

This age-year, and 2014 in general- has been an extremely strange and uncomfortable year.  Not in a good way either.

Perhaps, yes, in hindsight there is one thing I would have done differently this year but it is too late now.  But I could not have possibly known.

*****
This is sort-of a repeat image but LOOK!  It moves!

The Cult of Special People

Daya was in a little play this morning.  She was the main character, and she was BEYOND AWESOME. And so was everyone else.  Here she is with her best friend Braden.

The play was part of her school's morning assembly as part of a literacy campaign.  Which is also awesome.

HOWEVER.....at the start of the assembly the school officials must have spent an entire 15 minutes telling the children how SPECIAL they all are.  SPECIAL and UNIQUE.  Over and over ad nauseum.  Oh, and when they were done they mentioned as an afterthought that others are special and unique too.

Let's celebrate how SPECIAL we all are!  Because, you know, you are SPECIAL!  Don't forget YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!  Did we mention YOU ARE SPECIAL?  Make sure you remember how SPECIAL you are!

STOP IT ALREADY SCHOOLS!!!!!!

Seriously, STOP IT.

Kids in this country already have such a MASSIVE sense of entitlement with no respect for either themselves or anyone else.  Because they are SO SPECIAL.

Telling our kids how SPECIAL they are all the time is not really a good way to boost self esteem.  It is, however, a great way to boost ENTITLED EGOTISTICAL NARCISSISM.

Education fail.

I tell Daya that the world does not revolve around her- she is part of the world.  She is not any more SPECIAL than anyone else.

This SPECIAL thing is just so unhealthy on all levels.  It's like the junk food of self-esteem.

Carey pointed me to the "You are Not Special" graduation speech.  I'm sending it to the principal.

****************

Irrational Scorpio Girls

I think the preteen junk is starting.

I do not think I will survive it.  I also don't think I can pray my way through it.

Does anyone have a preteen emergency kit?

Can mothers be killed from the effects of too much crazy unnecessary drama?

Because I AM ALLERGIC TO DRAMA.

Mostly OK I Think

I really am mostly ok.......I think........

Or at least I am mostly certain I will be ok, and that is just as important.

Yes I know my blog has been a bit heavy these days.  But it really has been helpful for me to sort myself out.

Lisa is right about me needing help though.  I do need help- with paying the bills (stupid rent increase %;#*(;^#), housework, dealing with Daya, and all the little things that just add up.

And sometimes we all need someone right here and now, in the present, to hold us up, even for just a few minutes.

However, I do not have help with any of those things, nor do I see this changing.  So I make due and get through as we women have done since the beginning of time.  Even though it takes its toll on us.

My goal is to avoid total erosion of my spirit.

That being said, I do have a lot to be grateful for, which brings to mind Nicole's Gratitude List.  Here are some Major Things I am grateful for, in no particular order:

My health, Daya's health, a roof over our heads, my job, oil paint, pastels, tea, my friends, meditation, my inner strength, living in NYC.  It is a wonderful thing to know you are living in the right place.

************
Parenting is seriously the hardest thing in the universe.  In some ways it gets easier as Daya gets older and in some ways it gets much harder.

She will be 9 in a few weeks.  She is very independent, more so than any other child I know of at her age.  I have been coaching her on streets and navigation and strangers and safety since kindergarten.

She can take the school bus home and walk home alone, and stay home alone.  She can take the MTA bus from school to her dance studio by herself.  This is not something I talk about a lot as basically no one else lets their kids do these things alone and they think I'm crazy, but I know, really know- it is ok.  And it has been absolutely fine.

Jackie said something the other week to me that really meant a lot- she said "don't let anyone tell you she is too young- it depends on the kid."  And I really value Jackie's support.  She has raised two kids completely by herself and is a Queens native.  It meant a lot to me that she said that, instead of the fear everyone else throws at me.

I'm not careless, I have simply taken the time to teach my daughter some Life Skills and I know she is capable and trustworthy.

The downside of it is that she thinks she knows absolutely EVERYTHING.  But that is for another post.

This image is by Daniel Dupre

The Saturday Morning Post

It seems like the more I try and be positive, and do all the things I am supposed to, the odds just keep getting stacked higher and higher against me.

Life has become a series of things I have to do and get through.  While I am not prone to worrying, I am prone to feeling too weighed down.

Sei He Ki

Because we all need Sei He Ki

To help us with this:

And Archangel Michael helps with this too.

Unknown Journey

So this little message....

Is not enjoying the journey part of the whole journey?  What's up with all this "unknown" stuff constantly? Why the imposition of time?

I'm tired of it.

Can't we just shake our fist at God sometimes and yell "WTF?!"

********

Abrasive Days

My life is going in circles.  The same ones.  Over and over.  I do what I have to do to maintain things. I cannot seem to get beyond basic minimum maintenance.

Where is it all going?  What is the point?  

Things that could be are not.  

Things that are just repeat to no destination.  

Which is correct:  holding out in faith and hope or seeing and accepting reality in the present moment-- when the two are different?

How is it possible to be spiritually connected and still feel like this?