Two Paintings, a Nightmare, & More Vasari

Two Paintings

Kedrin and I had a chat the other day.

It went something like this:

Me: It occurred to me that you are actually a bigger paint snob than I am, because while I love my premium snob paints, you will ONLY use Old Holland, and I will use anything artist-grade.

She: That's true. I wish I was less of a paint snob.

Me: No way, I admire this about you!

She: I think I want to go back to Vasari and get a dioxazine violet.

Me: That's a great idea! Do you also have one in Old Holland?

She: Yes

Me:  Oh, you can compare them! Let me know if you go.

*********

We coordinated because Kedrin is in nursing school and wasnt sure when she would get out today.

I painted near Bellvue so we could meet up after.

I brought my Belly River box again and did 2 paintings, booth 6x8 oil:

Crocuses

Tree Trunk

(I ran out of time on Tree Trunk, the foreground needs some sharp detail, but it's ok)

We walked from 28th and 1st to 27th and 10th to Vasari.

On the way over, I told Kedrin my nightmare.

Nightmare

Last night I had a plein air nightmare!

I dreamed I took my new Vasari paints to a nice park with a lake.

Weirdly, all the nice spots were taken by other painters, many werent even at their easels... there was a class or something and it was annoying.

I set up next to some guy and then a raccoon came over and stole my bag of Vasaris! I went after him and he went INTO THE POND and so did I!
The bag was open and the paints came out and I got three of them.... tried to get the rest of the bag but the pond got steeply deep and i lost them! Oh it was a TERRIBLE dream!

More Vasari

Steve was there instead of Gail, and he's a lot friendlier.

Gail is a fantastic colorist but she's not so friendly.

I am an enabler, and Kedrin is easily influenced by nice paint.

She didn't do as much damage as I did the other week, but she did end up buying 9 tubes instead of 1.

And she's not even actively painting right now because of school!

Kedrin, Steve and I talked for quite a long time.

He's very friendly.

He laughed at my raccoon nightmare.

I bought one more tube, a brand new pink they have which they did not have 2 weeks ago.

Kedrin had a box with 2 empty slots in it and Steve said Do you want free samples?

We didnt realize he was offering her two FREE tubes of paint!

In all honestly that pissed me off because I have been their customer for 15 years, I have spent so much money there, honestly over the years probably over $1k, ($434 2 weeks ago!) and I have never been offered free paint. 

AND it is because of me that Kedrin was giving them business.

I said... wow, mentioned all these things, and Kedrin backed me up.

Steve made good on it though, and I got a replacement Nicosia green earth (my tube is a bum tube, all oil, and he believed me, laughed, and said "I probably made that one!" ... I was surprised he was so willing to just give me a new one.

I picked 2 series 1 tubes, Kings Blue extra pale which is basically a cool-tinted white, and French Anthracite which is coal... that's interesting.

I really didn't know the extent of what Steve was willing to give me, and he offered the Indian Yellow he was showing us earlier.

It is a $40 tube of paint and he gave me one.

So, he made good and my initial sour feeling is gone... but wow, I'm absolutely shocked he just gave out a bunch of free paint like that. He gave me about $70 worth of free paint. (I don't count the Nicosia because I have been meaning to bring that one back)

Wow & Post-Op

Last night I had a dream where Daya said to me she gets overwhelmed and thinks I a bit much sometimes, but that she loves me.

And then when I was on the train home from my post-op I got this text:

Wow.

***********************

Post-op went fine, all my questions got answered.  Dr says everything looks good on his end but he's not clearing me for physical activity for another week.

Ugh.

No lifting anything heavier than the cat.

He lasered off more astigmatism in my right eye than the left got! Its almost all gone!

My eye is still really red.

It's from the paralysis shot; it wrecks your eye because they have to make an incision to do the shot.

My eye is redder than normal and is taking longer than usual to clear up but everything is still ok.

The blood inside my eye has started noticeably clearing up since Saturday.

This time around it is MUCH better than the left- when that cleared up there was so much particle haze I couldn't see through it properly for a couple of weeks!

I'm down to 2 drops 2 times a day- the predforte steroid and the one for inflammation that is very stingy.

No more ointment, no more shield at night, no more moxifloxacin drops.

My pressure is up to 29 (or was it 26?) and that's high but the dr isn't worried, I just have to keep using my normal prescription. My post-op drops increase pressure.

So I'm on drops for three weeks, then I go back for the second post-op in September.

Then in November I'm getting yag-lasered again for the flares.

At least I don't have to wait a year this time.

Then there is a post-op follow up for the laser and I have my retina doctor...

People, this is way too much eye doctor.

But I'm really really glad I got this done.

I'm not sure how much better my vision will get in the right eye but at least I am out of hard lenses which is major.

********

My IRA got cleared.

Apparently a Schwab compliance lawyer had more sense than the operations person on the phone.

Sheesh.

__PRESENT__PRESENT

Femtosecond Laser, Redux & How to be a Badass Villain on the Train

I'm home.

It's done.

I woke up at 4:33 just so I could have a small cup of very strong black tea.

They said that was ok.

I refused to face this without tea.

Nope.

The walk over was peaceful.

I got many drops and will probably still be dilated tomorrow for my post-op.

They also gave me a valium, which they give to everyone who goes under the laser, but honestly I barely felt anything, which was a bummer. They also tried to give me Tylenol which I refused, because acetaminophen makes me feel like absolute garbage and I can't take it. (Also it doesn't work anyhow.)

I was pretty scared and they kept worrying about my blood pressure, which was very high and plummeted back to normal immediately afterwards. (I TOLD them I don't have bp issues.)

I really, REALLY hate the laser.

Last time I hated it and I hated it again today.

At least it doesn't take very long.

It's horrible.

First the doctor literally draws on your eyeball.

(Its blue)

Then they put a plastic thing in your eye to hold your lids open and it hurts.

Then they suction the laser over you, there are bright lights and those freaky black shapes come out and move around while it is lasering.

Then it's done, that's the worst part, and you go into the OR.

They confirm all your information.

I didn't feel the paralysis shot but they still told me when it was over.

They also did what they call a dual-blade goniotomy or something, it's to control the pressure spike that happens after surgery.

This time around I feel like I was more awake than last time.  (Last time was GREAT!)

They were talking to me during the surgery and I had to move a few times.  

It wasn't as blissy as before.  But it also wasn't bad.

This part doesn't hurt and it's fine.  

It only took maybe 15-20 minutes but I could have stayed in surgery for a while in that state, it's fine,

That laser tho- they ought to sedate people for that part, I guess they can't because it is in a different room. Or give them MORE VALIUM.

The doctor said everything went well, but he left the patch on until tomorrow, so I don't have to do any drops today.

*********

2 of my anxiety dreams from last week (kind of) came true.

In one, which I don't think I posted here, I had a baby.

I wasn't pregnant and I didn't give birth, I suddenly had a baby which was very much mine and I was figuring out how to place it with someone who wanted a baby because I DID NOT WANT A BABY what a nightmare.

They wanted to do a pregnancy test, said it was mandatory.

I told them it wasn't happening, I had zero fluids in me, no peeing in a cup was going to happen.

Nope.

If they had told me when I checked in, yeah.

I also insisted it was physically impossible for me to be pregnant, thank goodness.

Since there really was nothing they could do about it, they just believed me and went ahead.

**********

And then I had that dream that my friend couldn't pick me up.....

And as it turns out she had some kind-of emergency stuff going on with her daughter this morning and she lost track of time and an hour after my pickup time we finally got in touch with her.

She apologized profusely and was very sorry, but it's all ok and I got home a little after 11.

*******

MY HEAD IS NUMB.

Like literally NUMB on the whole right side from above my eye all the way to the top of my head!!

******

I sent a pic of my cool spiky eye guard that Kedrin suggested I get, and Daya said I should add a hoodie to complete the look.

The spikes do look a lot better than.... this........

Daya weighed in....

  

So if you see a weird-looking hoodie-spike-eye person on the train tomorrow, it's just me going to a post-op.  It's weirdly comfortable.

__PRESENT__PRESENT__PRESENT

Pre-Op for Eye Surgery #5

Medical Clearance: Check

Surgeon Pre-op: Check.

No hard contact lens for a month: Check.

All the Papers: Signed.

Only my right eye got dilated today and it looks funny, as usual.

I did not have to watch the pre-op video again, thank goodness.

Now I'm all set for Eye Surgery #5 next Tuesday.

Hopefully it will be the last one I'll ever need.

I am so, so, SO ready to be on the other side of surgery.

It's going to be mostly the same as last time- Femtosecond laser to knock out hopefully all or most of my astigmatism, paralysis shot, goniotomy to control the pressure spike after surgery, and a monofocal IOL implant.
(I only qualify for a monofocal implant.)

My right eye has always been worse than my left eye so they are using a slightly different implant.

Apparently the whole surgery is expected to take 15 minutes.

Last time I think it took a half hour total in the OR. 

Probably because of the paralysis shot and the goniotomy, which I don't think are standard.

My eyes are a special case.

Apparently because the Femtosecond laser was kind of new technology, and they wanted doctors to start using it, there was no charge to patients as a grace period for a while.

I definitely did not get charged for it in 2019.

Now they are charging for it.

And once again, I am receiving 100% financial aid for the hospital charge, which is separate from anesthesia charges and doctor charges.

I do not know if the hospital charge is separate from the laser fee, which is $800 (!!!) and I had to sign a paper saying I will be charged $800. Insurance does not cover it, ever, for anyone, WHICH IS STUPID because it absolutely is a medical necessity, especially for me.  I would be super stupid not to do it, even if I do have to eat the $800.

Maybe NYU Langone will not charge it as part of the 100% financial aid????

Send good vibes for that, please...!!!!

FUN FACT: There is always a small risk of retinal detachment, which I was really scared about last time. Especially since my left retina already detached once.....

Back when I was 13, when my retina detached, I also had repair surgery on my right retina at the same time.  It is something called a Cryopexy.  Today my surgeon said that the Cryopexy procedure offers more protection to my retina and there is less chance of anything happening. 

YAY something GOOD about past retina surgery!!!

**********

I slept well last night- even though some awful dumbass set off firecrackers which woke me up TWICE because I heard them through closed window, AC, and earplugs....

...Except I had some TERRIBLE anxiety dreams.

I dreamed my friend C couldn't pick me up after surgery so I had to ask my other friend G last-minute.  There was a weird building-maze.  I was taking a picture of a map to send to G but a guy kept standing in the way  deliberately even though I kept asking him to move.  I accidentally got him in a picture and his girlfriend got jealous so she remote-erased my iPhone and all my iCloud data back to 2013!!!

So in the dream i was supposed to be getting my pre-op numbing drops but was trying to figure out how to get 10 years' worth of lost pictures back!!!

And then I had a dream I had..... A BABY.  I wasn't pregnant and didn't give birth, I sudden;y had this.... baby... that I DID NOT WANT.  I was figuring out how t put it up for adoption.

Being pregnant is literally one of my worst nightmares so..... 

Yeah.

*******

After my dr appt today I went to Day's job to see what's up and get a drink.

Daya was NOT IMPRESSED I was there. No smile, complete pissy-face.

I have never been to her job before and this is her last week so I don't think she has any right to be pissy.

AND I tipped.

But she did make me a nice matcha latte.

__PRESENT__PRESENT__PRESENT__PRESENT

TSA Inconsistencies & The Difficult Flight

I booked the flight home for first thing Tuesday morning because it was literally half the price.

We stayed with my Aunt Carole, and I had a really, really nice evening with her.

The flight was at 7am so we had to be there at 5:30.... but I woke up at 2am and could not go back to sleep.

*******

TSA is extremely inconsistent in their security protocol.

At JFK you still have to take off your shoes, which is the dumbest thing in the whole entire universe.

They make you take out your ipads laptops etc from bags.

I have to check my suitcase because solvent and "artist pigments in vegetable oil", but I will NOT check my box.  TSA security historically thinks my pochade box is suspicious because it contains magnets.  So at JFK I took that out to avoid getting searched.

There is a body scanner at JFK (but not at Charleston).

Neither Daya nor I took out our ipads and they re-directed our bags, removed the ipads, and ran our bags thru the scanner again.

In Charleston they make you walk near a dog and you don't have to take off your shoes.

Or your ipads.

Or anything, for that matter- you aren't allowed to open your bags at all.

I love consistency.

************

We got on the plane and they had a problem and rebooted the plane.

Then apparently there was a ton of paperwork to do after that, so we took off 40 minutes late.

We were in a small commuter plane.

The people directly next to me and  on the whole row in front of me was a couple traveling with three very small boys. I was braced for a super crappy flight....especially on no caffeine but the parents were so obviously trying to reduce any annoyance their kids caused to others it was impossible to be annoyed.

The mom was pretty stressed out.

I can empathize.

The dad got up every 5 mins or so to fix whatever issue the boys in front of him had.

I was exhausted on their behalf.

Also, I love window seats because of the clouds!

Clouds look like snow or alien landscape.

Since the plane was one of those small commuter plans, my box wouldn't fit inside my pack in the overhead bin, so it rode with me.

We landed a half hour late and then waited for another half hour because no one was there to help park the plane at JFK. It was completely ridiculous.

We were still sitting on the plane at 10am and Daya had to be in school at 12 for class and tech rehearsal. And we had to go home first.

We finally made it home around 11:30.

If everything had been on time we would have gotten home right after 10am.

TSA did not search my suitcase on either flight.

***************

I was so, so happy to be home!

In the afternoon I took a short nap and woke up from a terrible nightmare... I was home but it was a small house with yard... and i was going outside to make food and a really weird looking man was ambling around, trespassing. I told him to leave and he wouldn't, he became belligerent.

I was afraid of him and went inside and called 911.  As I was on the phone with the 911 operator he came inside my home looking for me- but I was hiding.

I woke up in such a fright, it took me several hours to shake the feeling.

Something about that man was really scary.

**********

Jackie texted because we were supposed to do Taco Tuesday but we both forgot... she was in the neighborhood so I went to see her and say hi. That was really nice and helped make that bad feeling go away.

*********

And then it was time to order my replacement knife.

This required going back to the Source Tek order I made 13 years ago, which I found...!!! because I wanted to see the measurements for my broken knife.

The reason for this is my particular knife was discontinued in 2010 and I got one of the last ones.

Holbein did release an updated line and my new knife should be almost exactly like my old one, hopefully.  Blick had a slightly better price than Jerry's.

So sad, goodbye knife!!

Recurring

It is Tuesday morning.

I woke up at 7 but I don't have to log into work until 8, and even then probably no one is going to care.

Today Daya starts the Winter Move NYC Intensive which runs through Saturday. 

This is her last Move intensive.

I managed to make my tea before she took over the kitchen.

As I write this post she's in there now.

*********

Yesterday was a total bust, in a VERY annoying way.

It was Presidents day, so I had the day off.

Daya went to Brooklyn on Sunday and slept over so she was gone.

And the weather was gorgeous, perfect for painting.

I was going to go somewhere new, either to Greenwood Cemetery or up to Cold Spring on Metro-North for a change of scenery.

Except.

On Sunday morning something was in my right eye and it was irritating.

I spent the whole day trying to get whatever-it-was out and I think I did but I really irritated my eye.

On Monday I woke up hoping it would be better but I was still sore and completely swollen.

Shit.

I couldn't put my contact lens in and I couldn't go out like that either so I was stuck at home.

Yes I could have painted at home and I thought about it a lot but I just didn't and my left eye wasn't up for it solo.....

What a stupid annoying waste of a day.

This morning I'm not 100% but I'm also not swollen and I can wear my contact lens again.

********

And last night I had my recurring dream again.

I have 2 recurring dreams, one about my ex (it's a nightmare actually, and it is very infrequent) and the other about my apartment.

I have my recurring apartment dream a lot.

The details of the dream vary but it's always the same plotline:

I move out (for various reasons) and then deeply regret it and try to get my apartment back and I can't, and I end up in a worse situation.

Even in my dream last night I said "This is my recurring dream, how can I be so dumb?" and I ended up stuck in a tiny falling-apart studio apartment.

And by tiny I mean TINY and by falling-apart I mean the ceiling was coming off.

And I was stuck there due to finances AND it ended up being even more expensive than my old apartment!

I have had variants of this same dream countless times over many years.

They are always very real and it is always a relief to wake up.

Plein Air Nightmare!

I went to sleep early last night and had weird dreams.

Today I'm not sure what I'm doing, I'll probably end up doing a bunch of nothing... but I was thinking about going to Prospect Park to paint,

And then I had a dream about it.

I dreamed I was walking around in Prospect Park with my painting gear, which I can generally walk around with for a long time with no problem- but it was SO HEAVY.  So heavy I could barely walk.

There were a few really cool spots but one had no standing room because of an overgrown stick-ish tree, and another had a NO TRESPASSING sign.

So I walked around more and found a very interesting spot in shallow water along abandoned train tracks.

I thought that was ok and interesting, and I was wearing my waterproof hiking boots so the water was fine.

Other people were walking around there too, and as I was setting up a lady came over to tell me a man had stolen my backpack!! (I had put it behind me to try and keep it out of the water.)

She pointed me to where he went but then said she didn't have time to help me further.  I left half of my stuff in the watery place and chased after that man.  I found him and took my backpack.  He didn't really seem to care but I sure yelled at him.

And then I couldn't find my way back to my stuff!

I wandered and wandered and finally remembered I could wake up from this stupid dream so that's what I did.

**********

And then I fell asleep again and dreamed Daya was dancing a show with her old studio and she had a solo.  I was getting to my seat and there were SO MANY STAIRS and I got seated just as she finished.

**********

Oh man, waking up was a relief.

I am NOT going to Prospect Park today.

Heatwave Nightmare

I did a whole bunch of nothing yesterday, I just couldn’t do anything.

Some days are like that.

I’ll have to make up for it today, i have a lot of things that need doing.

One thing I CAN do very well is sleep.

I definitely slept too much yesterday.

And I had an Actual Nightmare, it was terrible!

It’s no secret I hate French Easels.

And i had a dream that I was outdoors painting, or rather looking for the right view to paint a particular lovely bit of landscape, and for some reason I was carrying around a stupid French Easel and all i did was fight with the damn thing and I couldn’t find a good spot to set up and it was heavy and bulky, then the light changed and the trees I wanted to paint didn’t look so good anymore.

Stupid French easel.

Yesterday was 91 degrees.

Today we go up to 95.

With humidity.

A Lovely Dream

I had a dream last night, a really nice dream.....

In my dream I was....


..... drawing with vine charcoal.

:)

I do love vine charcoal.

Unsorted

I'm trying to figure myself out which is probably not possible this time of year in this awful heat. I'm such a heat-wimp.  Cannot deal.

I had no AC when I was pregnant and that was beyond terrible. I might have heat-related PTSD from it. (although my stupid ex had no problem installing an AC in his girlfriend's apartment that summer..................)

Summer is just so awful.

*********
I'm having really odd dreams, which is pretty normal for me but last night I had a wacky time-travel NYC dream.  It was the 1800s I think. The stores and shops looked pretty cool and there was a particular family that had just moved here from Somewhere Else.  They had no money so they did what everyone does- they found work. In a shop. the girl- the daughter- met a man and was engaged to be married.  During the work day there was a problem with the water in the shop, a flood, and the girl got soaked and caught a chill. She needed to get warm (still at work) and no one would help her change into something dry due to religious beliefs about a baptized Christian woman (which she was and they were) not having her chest bare.  So she died right then and there from wet cold while they all stood around with their stupid religious beliefs and refused to help her when it would have been so easy to do.

******
Being awake is no less odd.
I'm trying to sort out why some people (ok person) have (has) been a Big Deal and yet, someone else who is really awesome (truly) and "now" just isn't.

I'm trying to work out why the person who was a Big Deal was so because maybe a couple of times in a lifetime you meet someone you connect with like that and why this other awesome person (who really is fantastic) just isn't a Big Deal. And it seems so very, very wrong and messed up that life is like that.

Or maybe I lost the capacity...maybe it got burned out or bruised or it just quit and died, I don't know.

******
To make this an even wackier post, you can use rubbing alcohol with a brush with panpastels.  It works especially well with the metallic colors.

Keep cats away from panpastels, they have messed up a few of mine. I don't know what it is about cats and panpastels, but keep them covered and away from cats.

Cat Damage.

There is a cat claw hole in 

the bottom pink pan (not pictured)

Prayer Dream

I had a dream about prayer.
In the dream, I was speaking to a woman about prayer and types of prayer.
How people pray.

The conversation was about prayer as praise/worship, and that I dislike it.  I was telling this to the woman. How prayer to essentially tell a god "You are so great, you are so fabulous! Praise (whoever)!" just seems a little... odd... to me.

Guidance and gratitude.

Those resonate with me.

And then in my dream, I thought maybe I should blog it.

So I did.

French Easel NIGHTMARE

I had a horrible nightmare about my French easel!

It's no secret that I don't like French easels for plein air. I have one, an old Julian I got almost 20 years ago. I also have a half-box French easel someone gave me a few years ago. But I'm a pochade box-tripod kind of girl all the way.

My old Julian

Wednesday night I had a dream I was out painting, and for some reason I had my French easel instead of a pochade box. (I wondered why in the dream, too) So, I was painting and the ^%#^%(@#^(% easel kept changing height on me by itself! While I was in the middle of painting!

It looks so un-assuming

It would suddenly go about 10 feet higher, and the legs were constantly uneven no matter what I did.

Julian can be difficult

When I adjusted the legs, it would get too low. It tipped over. I would adjust one leg and another one (that I had just tightened) would change height.

Then, a big splintery chunk of the bottom where the painting sits just fell off!

My painting fell on the ground paint-side down.

My brushes fell and scattered.

I was so freaking mad at that stupid easel.

I gave up. I just couldn't paint anymore with that horrible evil thing.

Evil Easel

When I woke up, I was still mad at the damn thing.

GRRR

French easels are such a pain to set up and break down.  And they blow over very easily in the wind, especially being so top-heavy. And they are very heavy.

I'm hating on my Julian right now because it gave me a bad nightmare, but it probably deserves much more love.  For many, many years it was my only easel, and I used it as a tabletop easel which sat on my drawing table. Lots of paintings were made on it.

None of them were plein air.

*************
Two of Swords (upright)

Having to make a difficult decision and trying to avoid it. Could be avoidance, or lack of all the information you need in order to decide. Might also be a stalemate.

Triple Grid

I did not mention yesterday that October, for me, is Archangel Michael month.  S/He came to me in a very tangible dream last October.  It was very profound with an absolutely tangible Presence for a few days afterward.

Right now especially I need to keep Archangel Michael very close.

And I need to start doing the Triple Grid regularly.

***************
I learned how to do the Triple Grid many years ago.  It is very effective and I haven't invoked one for several years.  Shame on me.

This is the Triple Grid.  It can be used for any location remote or physical.

"Legions of Michael: grid level one, spherical, my house. (*or other location) 
Destroyer Force Angels: grid level two, spherical, my house. 
Circle Security: grid level three, spherical, my house.

"Destroyer Force Angels: please spin your grid, spinning out astral entities, adverse electromagnetic frequencies, fear, disharmony, anger, adverse astrological influences, expectation, frustration, viruses, fungi, bacteria, worry, astral distortions, miscommunication, sadness, enemy patterning, scarcity, loneliness, karmic monads, and anything that distorts the spiritual signature or clear communication with Spirit. Spin out anything that hasn't been mentioned in this or any other language, but which you know needs to leave the space at this time." (These are just a few suggestions. Fill in whatever is needed according to your situation).

When the clearing feels complete, continue with, "Reverse spin, same stuff." When that feels complete, end with, "Stop spin. Thank you."

"Legions of Michael, please infuse your grid with the energies of Grace, Purity, Faith, Hope, Peace, Liberty, Harmony, Love, Mercy, Alpha/Omega, Rapture and Victory Elohim. Infuse with love, intimacy, the Unified Chakra, being centered, clarity, full connection with Spirit, tolerance, clear communication, health, wealth, following Spirit without hesitation, mastery, sovereignty, living Heaven, and anything else that hasn't been mentioned in this or any other language, but which you know needs to be in the space at this time. Please seal your grid. Thank you." (Again more suggestions. Fill in whatever you need, according to your situation.)

"Circle Security, realign your grid to harmonize with upper-dimensional gridworks. Release all distortions and parasites on the grids. Infuse frequencies for clearer communication with Spirit. Seal grid. Thank you."

More info is here.

Not Sure What This Means...

So this morning I woke up from a dream that I was in the art store and I found this WONDERFUL AND AMAZING BOOK that was beautifully designed and illustrated with lovely plant illustrations. It was almost medieval looking. So cool. And it was all about plants from bogs.

I am such a geek.

Friday Morning

Early this morning I had a dream that my cat died. Which made me really really really sad. But then in the dream she came back to life. That was much better but I still felt sad.

Then Daya woke me up a little before 6:30 because her crib was all wet, and it wasn't from the sippy cup. Totally my fault, because I didn't put her shorts on over her diaper and she took it off. I know she takes her diaper off, and I have absolutely no good reason for not putting on her shorts. *sighs* her sheets were just changed, too.

Tonight is Friday night. I think I will go home and fry some cheese and have a glass of wine. Oh, is today the equinox or did that happen already? Or is it tomorrow? Well, it's soon. Happy Mabon. Say a thank-you prayer and go fry some cheese.

2006

I am glad this is the last day of 2006. What a year it's been. Such a journey of discovery. One of those things that you know is necessary to go through but you can't help looking forward to being at the end.

Usually I don't make a big deal out of New Year's. This year it seems significant in some way. Perhaps it's because I am so optimistic about 2007, in other ways the end of this year is laying to rest my transition.

Circumstances bringing me and Daya into the New Year are good. My tiny tiny studio apartment feels so far away- this new apartment is wonderful. Financially I am moving into the new year with a little extra, and my financial planning for next year will have me and Daya in a good place. My goal is to completely eliminate the marriage-debt next year, and with the way things are going that is within my ability to do.

2007 will bring me finalized divorce papers. I wish that had happened this year but it shouldn't be long now.

******
In September of 2005 I had a dream that I was in a race at night, on horseback. A man lay by the side of the road, dying, and a woman was trying to save him. I stopped to help them and I healed the man. Stopping meant that I would not place first in the race. I finished anyhow, and a voice told me that I had won after all- not because I came in first, but because I had stopped to help the dying man. Then I was racing quickly and smoothly towards my destination, a dark tunnel towards the water and a boat. I could not see them but I knew they were there. Tiny pinpricks of light guided me at every step. There was light at the end, and bliss.

That dream gave me comfort and a solid peace when I had it. Though I was told by the Ex it meant my death in childbirth, I knew differently. I feel that I am somehow going towards that place of bliss, and I look forward to the next leg in my Journey.

*******

If I had New Year's resolutions, mine would be to make my inner peace and my outer behaviour congruent. I would like to learn how to go above everyday irritations. Often I find myself misunderstood, and I would like to come to terms with that and understand why. I wish for a solid peace to surround me.

How different would I be of I was out of this urban environment? That, too, will come in time.

True freedom begins in the infinity of the mind.

Old Men

Spiritually speaking, I am more than distrustful of old men. And I'm not talking about human old men.

The ex used to speak of (in our later days) an old man that he used to see. I think it was bald. He said the old man told him to do things. In fact, he said that the old man told him told him to get rid of me.

He thought the old man was God.

When I was in the pagan group the leader, who went more and more crazy as time progressed, also referred to her primary god-figure as the Old Man. And we know how that situation turned out. (Though seriously, I wish her well. And I have nothing against Odin.)

Interesting to note that ALL patriarchial religions feature old men figures and images as godheads. I'm not going into how I feel about patriarchial religions or the awful, awful damage I see them cause, both on an individual and global level.

Early this morning I had a "visit" from a (the?) old man. It was not pleasant. I was in Grand Central and a man with long curly brown hair, dark sunglasses, and a black hat and suit was standing. He had a gold sequin-ey thing at his collar. I had Daya with me. He said "Do you like children?" I said "I like mine." Then he got a large black book with a band of gold sequins that matched his collar. He opened the book and for once, I was curious in a dream, and this book showed awful pictures of this old man's head coming out of people's chests. A bit grotesque. Then the man's face changed into that of the old man in the book. I yelled at him, called him disgusting, and I left. He started singing in a hypnotic voice to the general population, and it was broadcasting in the streets outside of the building. Another man, with long straight whitish hair, was going around singing something about save your soul, but I knew it was another face of the old man, which was interesting because they were opposites of each other.

Please someone bring in the goddess. Already.

Unmistake-able

I lied before.

I didn't completely say goodbye to that one thing. But I was ready to.

Before I said goodbye to that thing, I got into some serious prayer. I asked for an "unmistakeable physical sign" to tell me yes or no.

Just now I woke up a few minutes ago, just after 3am (from a very strange dream about the ex...and my recently-passed grandmother turning in her grave and it was my fault...oops..) and there was my Sign in very physical evidence right before my eyeballs. It doesnt get any more blatant than that.

I cannot, cannot mistake this in any way. It's just as obvious and direct as, well, getting smacked in the face. So, I wait.

:)

Chickenman Hold My Hand

The 3am hour is always the one where stuff happens.

I was in a place that looked like the house in GA, with a woman who was a friend. There was a dead woman who wanted to see me, she gave her name as Jody Serota (someone I know and trust to be benign and of Light). Jody said I needed something. (Some other guy named Chris H... did too, but I don't know him and never saw him.) The woman I was with was going to take me to see Jody, who stayed in dead caverns off to the side of the house, but it wasn't a physical dimension. I was creeped out because, well, Jody was dead. She just wasn't actng like it.

Anyhow, aside from being scared, I didn't get the "bad" feeling I get with other entities I sometimes encounter. It was a friendly and beneficial sort of environment. Nevertheless, I was creeped out and delayed seeing Jody. I wish I wasn't scared. I went to the kitchen to get something, and I felt her before I saw her.

I saw her for a split instant, she was tall, pale, with short straight black hair and black areas for eyes. I was immediately turned facing away from her and she put her hands on my arms. I saw what looked like upside-down lightening, it felt like many volts of electricity going through my body. Her touch was very unpleasant, and I was really scared even though I knew she did not mean me harm and was there to help. I just kept thinking about her being dead.

I don't know if she did what she had to do, or if I was too freaked out to get what I was supposed to get- at any rate I was very gently put back inside my body, and I woke up gradually and without shock. Time was 4:06am.

Unlike other "encounters" I've had, I felt fine afterwards and I didn't have that creeped-out feeling at all, and no after-shock. So I know she was benign, and I wish I wasn't so scared and could stick around and see what it was all about. I think I still have "Spirit-World PTSD" from that time period a few years back. And from last summer, let's not forget that.

************************
On the way to work this morning I was sitting at the front of the bus; someone had written "Dead Girl" on the back of the truck in front of me.

On the way to work, at Liberty Ave there was a large dead cat in the middle of the road. (That made me really, really sad. I don't like things like that.)

Update 9:53 am- R--- just stopped me in the hall to mention the movie Sixth Sense, which he just saw, he thought it was scary. I was waiting for the third thing.
************************

Wish I knew what the hell it all means.