Panel Pile

It's September...already!

Wow!

Even August went by fairly quickly...

It doesn't feel like September, and in general time has felt... strange, different.

Accelerated in a strange way.

And if you want to hear something really odd--- I have only told this to Palma--- the way I make boiled eggs changed.  I like medium-boiled eggs, where the yolk is just set.

For MANY YEARS-like since pre-covid- same pot, same water, same type/size of eggs, same burner on the stove- everything- exactly the same only now it takes 10 minutes instead of 8, and that was an odd discovery.

It's possible that I'm crazy but I don't think I am.

In fact, I bet lots of other people have noticed little stuff like this and never mention it to anyone, unless they are fortunate enough to have weird friends who get it.

Anyhow.

It's September and the summer was good but strange at the same time.

Not everything happened that I was hoping for, and I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but it's not worth stressing over.

2026 has been exponentially better than 2025 was, it's rumbling along on daily routines and I'm ok with that. I have had a lot of internal growth, personal stuff, shifting, and I know that never ends, but it has been intense lately.

It also appears I have painted through most of my panels...again.

Next week I'll have to do a Jerry's order... I'll be travelling (and painting) again this weekend.

Surfing Instead

Our whitewater rafting trip got cancelled last-minute.

The river conditions weren't right.

So, I'm not going away this weekend after all.

It's a mixture of disappointment and relief.

Aimee, Anthia, and I were supposed to go and we all had Friday off work.

Aimee didn't want to waste the day, she wanted to do something, learn something new, so she suggested a surfing lesson.

I have never been surfing before... so why not?

I like to try new things!

Also it was still cheaper than what I would have paid for the car rental.

Aimee and i went down to the surf beach, Beach 69 at Arverne  (Rockaway) and Anthia joined us later.

I am NOT a surfer.

I'm glad for the experience but I didn't enjoy it enough to want more, like I do with whitewater kayaking.

Also, I came away from it with a bruised rib, which will take a while to heal.

Getting out far enough was incredibly difficult.

I don't know, I like boogie boards but I'll leave the surfing to others.

I also planned on painting but the weather turned so I didn't.

I got a new beach tent.

Last-Century Cactus

Janae has been going through stuff and she found this:

This is from Pratt, probably our second year when we had to take photography.

So 1996-1997-ish.

I Remain Bewildered.

Back in March I had such a strong impulse to run the Chase Corporate Challenge.

No idea why I would want to do that.

Well, it was tonight.

The 2 friends I was supposed to run with didn't show up.

I am NOT a runner.

I can walk indefinitely, I can kayak for hours, I can do a very respectable weighted jump rope workout, I can swim fast laps for a long time, but I am NOT a runner!

I walked half and ran half, time was 43:58 for 3.5 miles.

And I made sure to finish at a full run.

It hurt my left knee.

Our shirts were the most plain low-effort boring shirts there!

So, honestly I have no idea what that was all about, it was very weird.

Usually when I get an impulse like that it makes sense but this one doesn't.

I'm glad I did it, it's definitely checking off "do something new", but I'm baffled at the initial strong impulse.

WHY?

20

Today is my 20 year anniversary at work.

20 years.

It's weird, I can't possibly be that old, and I know it's also a huge blessing.

Actually, it's not uncommon at my company.

There are a lot of us who have been around forever- lots of people there even longer than me.

Honestly, I'd like to stay until retirement, until it is my choice to leave.

That would suit me just fine.

Soiree

The annual Samaritans soiree was tonight.

It was kind of full of.... finance bros.

I don't like loud crowded-with-strangers events, and I felt out of place at the start.

It's my third one though, so I knew what to expect.

But then one of the other volunteers I am very friendly with (I'm friendly with everyone on the hotline) decided I was going to mingle with her and talk to people.  

She is SO GOOD at the soiree, I was so impressed!

And I ended up having a lot more fun than I thought!

One of the awesome benefits to doing this kind of volunteer work is... the other volunteers. 

There are AMAZING people who come through the hotline, and it does a lot to counterbalance the whole "people suck" experience of life. Because not everyone sucks, and I'm around a lot of those people and it is restorative for faith in humanity. And a lot of them are 20-somethings. 

They're so awesome, truly.

I donated a painting, the wildflowers one from last September.

It brought in $300. Ok, not bad.

It's a $400 value so that's ok.

It's good when paintings can help an important cause.

Escape

For the last 2 weeks, since I got my jury summons, I have had a lot of feelings, and I have been trying to get them out of my system before having to go in and plead my I-REALLY-can't-do-this case.

I went into that courthouse SO angry this morning.

I couldn't shake it.

What an awful feeling to be forced to do something like this, to derail your whole life- against your will.

They told us we would be there 9-5 until May 22.

Oh my god, NO.

After waiting for almost 3 hours, it was my turn to express concerns.

The lady wasn't having it.

Didn't care about work problems it will cause, because work will pay for it.

Didn't care about the list of work stuff I would miss.

Didn't care about the hotline, which jury duty absolutely would conflict with.

Didn't care about a 9-hour crisis response overnight shift that would conflict.

Didn't care about 2 after-work appointments I scheduled in March.

Didn't care about my 20 year work anniversary.

Didn't care about scheduled vacation days.

Didn't care about the vet appt I have for Pebbles early May.

Didn't care about after work social plans I made in March.

I had everything laid out in a word doc.

I was annoying.

I acknowledged I was annoying, but this was truly such a huge problem for me.

I said I can't do all the days, I said these are the days I absolutely HAVE to be out early.

She said no more than 2 days off.

I had to choose the day after my 9 hour overnight shift on the hotline- physically impossible (and unreasonable) for me to do both, and my scheduled vacation day May 22.

That's all she would give me.

I said I can't change these appointments, what do I do?

She just shrugged, that's your problem.

All she wanted to know was if I was staying or coming back in October.

I stayed.

I was so mad, I think I had smoke coming off me.

It's not right.

I do MORE THAN 500 HOURS A YEAR in volunteer community service.

360 of those are on the hotline, and I think my service to society is of much greater benefit on the hotline than it is in Grand Jury. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!

******

They started calling names to go across the street to the main courtroom.

They did not call everyone's name.

They did not call my name.

Other people asked about that, and they said just wait, they will call more people later.

Then they sent us to lunch at 12:40, said come back at 2.

I sat under a tree and read, and tried to just ground and relax.

There were pigeons. I love pigeons.

These 2 are clearly friends, and I shared some of my lunch with them.

I went back at 1:30.

2pm rolled around, nothing.

3pm rolled around, nothing.

Around 3:45 the court people came back and said they have everyone they need, we're done, we'll get a certificate of service that is good for 6 years.

OH MY GOD I ESCAPED!

I do not know if the lady did something, put my name in a different pile or something, and I know it's her job to not care about peoples' lives, and I know she's heard everything....

I think the Universe had my back.

I'll never know for sure, but as I left I said a very happy thank you to that lady, and she was very friendly and I think??? she winked at me.

I was SO relieved, and walked home from court which took about an hour... I feel like my body is holding all the energy from it, still, and I need a little time to shake it off.

Kind-of Spring

Last night I was on the hotline, and it was the first time I left my apartment since Sunday afternoon.

That's one of the reasons the hotline is good for me; it forces me to leave!

This is definitely a work-from-home issue.

Honestly I probably had 2 more days of not leaving my apartment in me.

Now I might not leave again until Saturday.

Yesterday was the first time since Thursday I didn't work late.

I am slammed at work and will be into April.

But it is good and I don't mind.

I'm making updates on a huge project I did 5 years ago.

It's work that has been most of my career but I haven't been doing much of for a while just because of natural job evolution. So, I have had to remember how to do my job!

I have been mentally engaged at work in a way I haven't been for a while and I'm enjoying it.

It's refreshing.  Also, I built some damn good files in 2021!

*******

March is going quickly and I'm glad. I wouldn't mind jumping straight to May, to kayak season.

I came home in a midnight thunderstorm last night and it's still dark and raining now.

So it's a dreary day and today I feel a little weird, a little off, slightly wobbly, but everything is ok.

********

Every Spring I go to Sephora and get a new lip gloss.

And sometimes a new fragrance.

It's a nice way to feel new and refreshed.

This year I got one of these (09 Maple Glaze) and it's perfect.

It is not even a little bit sticky and it stays on.

I also got this fragrance, which is amazing.

********

So, I feel ready to be out and about and feeling good.

I'm preparing for the warm season, preparing for camping, preparing for kayak season.

*******

Here is a pile of cats, just because.

Time Sync & Blizzard

TIME SYNC, or lack thereof....

On Saturday when I was out preparing for the upcoming blizzard, I realized what the weird feeling I have been feeling for the last week or so is: I am out of sync with time. 

Just slightly, but enough to feel it.

You see, I know for a fact with every fiber of my being that it is already March.

I know it is already March on a cellular level.

Um, except it isn't.

Yesterday in egg tempera class Valentina and I were talking about this, and she understood it completely.

She said she is also out of sync with time right now.

Then after class I went to the hotline and I was talking with H-- and she also is out of sync with time!

So, it's not just me.

I know an eclipse just happened and I normally don't pay attention to (or care) about stuff like that- and we also have Fire Horse Lunar New Year and in general there is a crazy amount of energy flying around.

I am actually still hibernating, but not as deeply as before.

It's still not time to fully wake up and emerge.

I am still in a bit of a holding pattern.

This past week I have had some wrinkles in my energy- I am in general feeling great, but a couple of energy pebbles hit me in the face.  Both are minor and not a big deal but I feel them more intensely I think because my mood is so good, the energy difference is much greater. Anyhow, everything is fine.

I have worked them out.

I feel like I am slowly coming out on the other side of a major internal transformation, and it dawned on me that last year (from November 2024) I have come through the end of a huge long-term life cycle.

Maybe 2. Whichever the case, energetically I am coming into a new chapter, a new phase of my life.

It's silent- all my external structures are in place, this is all internal shifting.

********

I LOVE SNOW!

I LOVE THE BLIZZARD!

Yesterday I left class and had a lot of time before the hotline, so I went for a nice 40ish block walk.

NYPL, main branch....

The Morgan Library

New snow on old snow!

Kedrin said she wanted midnight snow pictures.

Since I was out in the blizzard at midnight coming home, I sent them.

There are other good things, too!

Here is an amazing story!

Last weekend when I was camping, Anthia and I were talking about phones and how long we keep them and how that gets difficult after a long time because of space issues etc. (We can't update anymore without extreme difficulty.)

Daya and I have iPhone 11s, from 2019.

I got our phones when she started high school!

Now she's in her third year of college.

(We had our previous phones, iPhone 6sPlus, from 5th grade to high school)

So, since middle school, Daya and I have each had 2 phones.

Our current phones are pre-covid!

Many things about this are great- it's more environmentally sustainable and also it's very financially smart. Both devices were paid off years ago, and I'm on a legacy phone plan that I want to keep forever because I will not get the service I have for the current price anymore, anywhere.

Daya and I keep our phones until they become obsolete.

We could not care less about having the latest and greatest.

So Anthia and I were talking about this, and she said she used to do the same thing and then she got tired of the difficulties it caused. I have been very stuck on not wanting to change my phone plan, which I have always had to do when switching phones. She decided it's ok for life to be easier and she said something that hit me in an important way:

There are other good things too.

I needed to hear that. That statement is the opposite of scarcity mindset!

So I knew I would be dealing with the phones sooner rather than later.

And of course, a few days later, Daya told me she busted her screen, badly!

I just laughed internally, because I knew it's time to do something about the phones and now it's really time!

But I didn't want to make any quick decisions; it's time to see options and have a think.

I told Daya to go to Apple and see how much the repair is, but don't do anything.

$200.

Ok, but I also have device protection thru my carrier which will probably cover screen replacement at no charge.  

So Daya and I went to the T Mobile store after class today.

Yes the insurance will cover her phone repair.

But I need to do something about the phones and upgrading.

Turns out that they won't force me to change my legacy plan!

The nice T-Mobile person said in my place he would just go to Apple, get the phones we want, and they'll take care of everything at the Apple store.

I can get us new phones and stay on my plan!  WHOA! That's... EXACTLY what I wanted!

*********

Daya gets a ridiculous amount of money to attend Juilliard.

She has this astounding superpower of getting people to give her money or waive payment obligations.  I don't know how she does it.

We got a grant for Juilliard this year which neither of us knew about before, and the end result is it made my outstanding balance..... in the context of college... almost nothing.

I tried to pay the Juilliard bill the first half of December but I didn't know the right balance.

Then Daya wrote her dumb note and I just left that Juilliard bill alone.

Then when Daya came back from South Africa, right at the start of the semester, there was a medical event (she's ok) and Daya was overnight in the hospital. 

Then we were talking again and I gave her a check.

But Juilliard wouldn't take it.

Juilliard scrounged up yet more scholarship money for her and just.... covered her outstanding balance.

But there was a medical bill which was a few hundred more than the tuition payment.

Daya asked- since that money was already out the door- if she could use it to pay the medical bill.

I said yes. (See note above about giving her money, it's like being in a tractor beam)

************

THEN TODAY as we were going to T-Mobile she said the hospital financial aid covered the whole bill and she never touched that tuition money.

!!!!

So we went to Apple and we both got iPhone 17 Pros, which we will keep until they are obsolete.

I purchased both devices outright. It came out to $200 more than the tuition payment, so I told Daya to send me the $200 and we'll call it done. (I think she should kick in a little for her phone- she's an adult and working. And $200 for what she got is nothing!)

So I kept my current phone plan- my monthly bill stays the same! 

We got 2 nice new iPhones purchased outright with money that was already out the door but kept coming back, which leaves me in an overall financial sense having paid nothing for 2 brand new phones which are a very needed and sustainable Life Upgrade for many years.

It's really quite amazing how everything worked out!

Goodbye iPhone 11, thank you for all those years of excellent service!

Deep Winter Hibernating

I have been hibernating.

All of January and so far all of February.

This hibernation period will likely last at least through the end of this month, maybe a little bit into March.

It is deep winter right now.

Time to settle, rest, shift, recalibrate, regenerate.

I am shifting and regenerating.

Overall, I feel amazing inside and out, and I am thoroughly enjoying this short hibernation phase.

It's a very special time and I will look back at it fondly with appreciation.

It makes sense to come into hibernation after last year.

Last year was very intense, and a rest and recalibration is good.

I have been doing very deep inner work, every day.

I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, preparing internally to go wherever I am supposed to go. 

I feel so good. 

And that's very intentional, it's not an unknown random thing.

I need to do this inner work, and while I am doing all the things I need to do like work, the hotline, maintaining my apartment, and also keeping in touch with friends, I feel like I'm in a nice safe bubble of time and space that is exactly what I need to germinate new seeds.

It's a little weird because I am mostly home alone all the time, sometimes for days without going out, yet I don't feel isolated or lonely. This time is so calm and peaceful and I'm finding things deep in my psyche that are saying it's time to shift to new growth. 

This deep winter hibernation is wonderful.

It's like a long ongoing meditation.

And when it ends, whenever that is, I will be ready for it to end.

***********

Daya and I are fine, right back to how things are supposed to be.

If she ever writes another stupid no contact note, I'm going to have trouble taking it seriously.

We are not even a month into the Juilliard semester and she has needed stuff from home, food, and yesterday her phone screen broke so I'm helping her with that too.

Being a parent is REALLY WEIRD, even when your kid is an adult.

***********

As of today, I haven't painted for almost 2 weeks.

That's a long time for me.

I think the painting part of me also needs to hibernate and rest.

Between weather and schedule, plein air painting has not been possible yet this year.

That's why going to class is good, it keeps me painting even if I'm not painting at home or outdoors.

I do have a commission that's been hanging over me but it's not coming out right. 

Dru helped, said it's not that bad, and I haven't touched it since.  

It should be an easy painting but I also can't really paint right now.

Even in class the painting I'm working on is currently a bit of a slog... but it doesn't matter. 

There is no time limit on it, no deadline.

I would like to get that commission done and shipped, but I also want it to be good, and I can't paint right now so it has to wait.

Last year I did 59 plein air paintings... plus whatever studio work. 

FIFTY NINE!

That's a LOT. 

My internal painting systems have shut down for internal maintenance.

This does happen, it's ok.

The weather is now paintable weather, and I'm planning to get out tomorrow and start 2026 plein airing.

This will hopefully get my painting engines starting up again.

And if they don't, that's also ok because I am still hibernating after all.

The last plein air I did was Dec 27.

So this is a month and a half plein air break- it might be enough.

I'll find out tomorrow if I have my flow back or not.

**********

Here are some hibernating cat pictures.

2 out of 3 cats are mostly hibernating too.

Guess who isn't hibernating but I wish she would?

Pebbles.

Of course it's Pebbles.

Goodbye, January

January is over!

I haven't been out plein airing this month at all, due to weather and/or schedule... it feels weird to have not painted in such a long time!  Well, outdoors anyhow. I have been painting at home and also in class.

Grace came over on Thursday and stayed overnight.

It was fun seeing her and we had a good visit.

Friday was my cardiology follow-up.

All those tests were great.

My bloodwork is great.

No need for any medication.

Now I am all done with doctors for a while, thankfully.

I am proud of my Crossrope stats for the month:

This morning I wanted to get a last workout in, and for about 2 minutes I was #1 on the leaderboard!

Later this afternoon I'm meeting Kedrin in Brooklyn, we are going to the Monet in Venice show.

It is closing and everyone has been telling me I need to see it so that's what's happening today.

And here's a good verse:

Cultural Differences

We are having severe cold weather... it will last all week.

It's cold, even for me. I haven't had a good day to paint outdoors yet this month, and I'm feeling it.

So anyhow tonight I met Daya for dinner so she could tell me about South Africa.

We had nice Indian food and I heard all about her trip.

So, I don't know what all her drama was about because dinner was exactly the way it should be- friendly, open, a nice time.  I think the mental health counseling Daya is getting at Juilliard is good, I'm glad she has the support she needs, and I feel intensely glad and relieved I don't have to deal with it.  

Hearing about South Africa was interesting, a little surprising too.

I learned that there are Children #7 and #8 from yet another marriage in Japan.

How many times can a person get married?? Sheesh.

Daya has now met all her siblings except for three of them.

I think the trip was good for her.

It gave her some perspective, she saw things over there that are not to her preference and she was very happy to come home.

Since it is summer there, she couldn't go out during a lot of the day because of the UV index- it gets very bad there. And since Cape Town is very dangerous, no one goes out at night, the house stays locked and barred at all times, behind an electric fence, not everyone even has the key, no one walks anywhere, she says everyone is physically unhealthy due to poor diet. She wouldn't eat the way they do (I am not at all surprised about this), she really experienced a culture gap in peoples' basic education.  She cannot ever see herself living there or even spending her entire winter break there again. She was ready to come home after one week.... then she had another week and a half to get through.  

She says they are taught in school there that NYC has a "100% crime rate" and is more dangerous than South Africa. This isn't even close to being true; SA is a very dangerous country.  NYC has crime like all major cities but it's actually pretty safe.  In general a woman can be out alone at night here, in most areas. (I am mindful when out late but I don't worry about it.) That's very different than a country where it's too dangerous to be out at night at all and you have to live behind an electric fence.

Daya also got terribly harassed by men and there was one failed possible-abduction-attempt when she was out walking... it freaked her out a bit. She was surprised at everyone staring at her, I would have guessed differently because Daya does look very South African so I thought she'd just blend in. She said no, she stuck out badly and her family said she basically looks like a supermodel to everyone.

So, it was good to connect with her, she's being friendly (again) and since she is an adult, she can (and is) getting help for her issues thru means that have nothing to do with me and this is what I have needed and wanted for so many years and it is such a relief and a release to not worry about her problems or be responsible for providing assistance. She will find her way and her growth and I'm not worried about it.

I don't want our relationship to be about her problems and her issues; I want it to be good communication and sharing good times together.

January Hibernation

I have been perfecting my hibernation skills quite a lot this month.

For the most part it has been extremely enjoyable, especially during the snowstorm yesterday, but today I woke up and felt over it. I'm done hibernating.

We have one more week of January left!

This morning, I had a follow-up to check if my new-new-new IUD is still in the right place, and of course it is. It's still in the right place because it was finally put in the right place to begin with.

So now I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Insurance got right on my request to check on overpayment to the gyn, and I am getting $105 refunded.

That's a LOT to overpay!

Don't rely on dr offices to check your benefits and coverage; they often don't check and just go with whatever they guess. It got resolved faster than I thought and all is well.

Tonight I am meeting Daya for dinner. She came home for a little while on Friday to talk.

I guess not talking to me anymore couldn't last, it wasn't working out for Daya.

This is about when I thought she'd probably make contact.

She's going through some stuff, we both disagree about the note.

I think she should never have written it, and it gave her some relief to do it so she's not sorry.

I told her she has to find better ways of finding relief.

Anyhow.

The Juilliard bill is now paid, they were chasing her and she was.... maybe.... buying herself some time.

I do want to move forward in a positive way with her and maybe now we are.

She has people helping her with her difficulties, I cannot ever say the right thing to her and that's ok because finally she's accepting the help she needs. So I'm just.... not worried about it. It isn't my job to fix anything; she's an adult who is free to create her life the way she wants to. And now it really is off me and that is a very good thing. So I feel good.

Here are a couple of snow pictures.

Of course the storm wasn't nearly as dramatic as it was communicated.

Upcoming Winter Camping!

This month has been quiet and routine so far, I haven't been on any adventures and I don't have much to write about. There is something nice and stable about normal days though, I'm not complaining.

Just hibernating a bit and looking forward to warm bright days ahead. Staying positive.

Our annual sales conference was Wednesday and Thursday, and for the first time in years, I didn't have to go in-person! I was not personally involved this year. That's ok. I wouldn't have minded, I always enjoyed it when I had work to do for it, but last year I was in-person with nothing to do and it was brutal.

So this year I got to stay home and attend remotely.

*****

Tonight Sharon invited me to her daughter's performance at LaGuardia- the Winter Dance Showcase.

Her daughter is a senior this year... this will probably be the last one I go to, since I don't know anyone else at the school anymore.

I'm trying to not think about Daya.

*****

Aimee texted me and asked if I want to join a winter camping trip at the beginning of Feb.

OF COURSE I DO!

AND I don't have an interfering hotline shift- YAY!

It's 6 boathouse people.

We are renting a cabin.

However, Aimee and I want to do gear tests for winter hammock setups, but if we need to we can go in the cabin.

I do not plan on doing that.

Aimee and I both got cold-weather hammock covers, and I found a great price on a subzero sleeping bag that is rated to 10 degrees.  Some of them get very pricey- hundreds- I'd love to have a super nice subzero sleeping bag one day but I think the $55 one I ordered will do just fine.  That, plus my hammock under-quilt, plus the hammock cover, plus my super warm camping blanket plus wool underlayers... hell, I'll probably die of heat stroke!

I am so ready to sleep outdoors again in my wonderful comfy hammock!

And of course I'll bring oil paint because that's what I do.

But I need to figure out a few things, because subzero painting is not as straightforward as warmer weather and I'll have a lot to carry.

Really, this trip is all about the camping tea kettle I ordered in December in anticipation of camping this year!

It can go right on the fire!

********

We have rain in the forecast tomorrow, which is a bummer because I'd really like to get out and do my first 2026 plein air.

We'll see.

I also have to be at the League at 4pm to drop off paintings for the show next week.

So anyhow, that's life right now.

It is nice to have something to look forward to.

I am happy my life has been set up to have these good days and good people, I would never have imagined it through all those hard years. I am very grateful.

Updates on the 10th!

Whoa we're in January double-digits already!

That was slow and fast at the same time......

Days have been normal days, just work and friends and working out and being peaceful.

Uneventful.

So... having passed thru the New Years Portal out of 2025 into 2026- I am feeling so much better.

Refreshed. Hopeful. Positive.

********

While I do have an almost instinctual strong urge to reach out to Daya- I'm leaving her alone.

She has left her location sharing on, so I did make sure she got back to NYC safely, which happened on Thursday. She can move back into the dorms tomorrow. Because I know where she is, and that she's safe, I'm not worried about her. Thank goodness for location sharing, and I hope she keeps it on.

Normally I don't look at where she is, I don't generally feel the need or desire to do that, but I did want to make sure she got back to the USA safely.

I did tell her she needed to find another place to stay in these few nights before she can go back to the dorm.

And she found a place and it's costing her money I know she doesn't have but that's not really my problem. And soon she'll realize that Juilliard bill is not paid.....

While I wish things were different- I very much want a good connection with her- she's not in a place right now where that's possible. For whatever her reasons, she needs to walk her path and do what she needs to do. I'm not going to push against it and I'm leaving the hurt of that note in 2025.

If she needs to make her life harder than it needs to be (in my perspective), that's her freedom and her choice. If this is just an experience she needs, ok. She's been desperate to get out on her own since she was 11 or 12 anyhow, so let her. She is free to do what she wants.

The other part of it is- and I have been saying this for a while- and it really hit home in Aug 2024 when she went to the dorms- I do much better mental health-wise when she's not staying here.  Daya is a very negative person and I have trouble being around negativity and I really have trouble with that kind of energy in my home.

I am extremely protective of my home environment.  When it's just me, it's very peaceful here.

Friends who visit comment about it.  I have a good-energy home environment, which I require for my own peace. Daya does disrupt that with her energy.

If she hadn't gone no-contact, of course this home would be open to her and it would be fine.

In fact I would prefer for her to have the option to be here if she needed to be, because she's my child... and I want to help her-- but I do have the relief of peace in my environment.  It was tough for so many years, a decade actually, and I need my peace. 

I need to separate from her negativity.

So, I'm feeling better and not looking back on 2025... it's time to look ahead with positive energy and positive expectations.

********

The annual boathouse party is tonight!

It will be so good to see everyone.

I did get pulled into the End of Year Video Team, which was fun.

We had a nice working dinner on Wednesday, which was a good time.

It is good and important to be out and see friends. 

Last night I saw the finished video, and it was such a nice reminder of all the fun and good times ahead of me this year.

********

I have my cardiologist follow-up at the end of the month, and in the meantime I have to keep a blood pressure log.

I'm not on any medication, my system is completely clear of everything (except caffeine), and my readings have been normal! Perhaps feeling better has helped with that?

I do not want to go on medication and as of right now I see no reason why it would be indicated.

******

So, we'll see about everything. No point in worrying.

I do believe in having a positive mindset and having positive expectations.

Sometimes I need to go through the difficult feelings, and sometimes it can take a while- but I generally bounce back eventually.

I'm taking life one day at a time and prioritizing feeling good.

Painting Plans Squelched

Here it is, Wednesday morning, and I haven't left my apartment at all since I got home Sunday night.

As of today I'm off work until Monday and thought it might be a good idea for me to.... leave my apartment.....

So I was going to go to BBG again to paint but the wind is gusting at 34mph so that's out.

Well, I'm on the hotline tonight so I'll have to go out later anyhow.

It's ok, I'm still processing Daya's note.

It was extra-shitty for her to drop that on me for the holidays.

It doesn't make any damn sense but when she's in a bad mental spiral, she's irrational.

I'm angry, very sad, I feel betrayed and used, and at risk of sounding like a little kid, it really just isn't fair. At all.

I have voices in my head saying "I'm the common denominator" in all these lost relationships- mother, sister, father, daughter..... losing all these relationships is significant.  On some deep level I think it is somehow my fault, I have internalized it as something wrong with me. 

On my logical surface, though, I know that isn't true.

The common denominator isn't me, it's the mental illness.

Look at what they have in common with each other.

All the people mentioned, with the exception of my father who has very severe childhood trauma but isn't mentally ill (I don't think?).... all these relationships are with people who have impossible mental issues. People who have trouble with other people and relationships in general.  Well, I don't know about my sister in present time, but she definitely had problems when I knew her.

I was talking to Sharon about it, and aside from.... well Daya, I don't have trouble with people.

I have friends, amazing friends.

Including several long-term healthy deep friendships with a diverse range of people.

I'm able to connect with people in all the different places I go, I don't have problems there.

I don't think I could have kept my same job for 19 1/2 years if I couldn't get along with others??

That has to say something about me?

Even when looking at these failed core family relationships?

Yes I am trying to convince myself.

I truly don't think I was a bad parent.

I think I did the best anyone could have with a horrible circumstance.

And I got my kid to Juilliard.

My mother really was a horrible parent, it's understandable her 2 children separated from her.

But so did everyone else! Even her sister, who she was always so close with.

No one could have a relationship with her.

But I don't think I was such a bad parent, and perfection is NOT a requirement to being a good parent.

So how did I end up at the same place as my mother??

Isis approves of staying in.

*********

When Grace came to visit last week, she brought a little container of microgreens from Whole Foods.

I don't shop there and have never seen them.... 

Oh my god I need to always put them on everything, they are amazing!

So I said to Grace, let's go find microgreens in my neighborhood!

We went for a long walk and stopped at all the places a person could stop that might have microgreens.

No one has microgreens.

So I ended up just growing them myself.

How convenient I still have my old grow light!

They sprouted today.

...I hope the cats don't eat them.....

Choosing to Be Positive

Today I had my surgical procedure to remove the new-old IUD and put another new one in.

There has been so much leading up to this appointment that I had to do with no notice.

It has been so overwhelming and now it is time for me to de-stress and relax.

In addition to the pre-op and cardiologist on Friday, dr wanted to do a full spectrum of cardiac tests.

Nuclear stress test, imaging, the whole bit. I might still be slightly radioactive... I have had a full complete heart checkup now. For the first time in my life!

And yes I now have a low-dose prescription for blood pressure meds, which I am s l o w l y coming to terms with.

I still resent it. 

And I am DEFINITELY over this stupid heart monitor already!

However I have to admit it's nice to not have to worry about my bp.

I have even been on a really low sodium diet for the last three weeks, which is the only other thing I knew I could do for my bp and it made no difference. None.

Because my issue is not lifestyle, it's the effects of trauma on the body.

I have been researching this and it's well-known and documented.

My cardiologist knows about it too, when I mentioned it briefly on Saturday.

We'll talk more about it on my follow up.

Yes I am holding an intense amount of real trauma in my body and despite my wonderful self-care and heart-healthy lifestyle for DECADES, it is what it is. And I do feel it. So I need to come to acceptance that my system needs a little chemical help.  My bp isn't even that high, except at dr offices but it is fluctuating.

So anyhow I didn't have to worry about it today and that honestly was nice.

********

I did all the things I was supposed to do and I went to the surgical suite.

They put me completely under, and it took 15 minutes.

And I asked if they could check the placement by sonogram right then and there.

They did 

AND IT WAS STILL NOT PLACED 

HIGH ENOUGH AND WAS 

ALREADY MOVING DOWN!!! 

After all that and it still wasn't right.

I'm SO glad I had them verify the placement!!

Oh my God!!

So what happened next was they removed the new-new Paragard right in the ultrasound room and put a new-new-new one in again with the ultrasound.  

And it is now placed correctly, they saw the difference.

Multiple people verified it.

Here's the thing about it: it took 5 minutes and even with no pain meds I barely felt anything.  

Seriously. Barely any pain. It was nothing. I definitely didn't need to be asleep.

In all honesty I don't know why they didn't just do this to begin with; it was so easy.

If they had just done this to begin with, using the ultrasound, I wouldn't have had to go through all this crazy medical stuff at all.

I have a follow-up in 6 weeks just to make sure everything is still ok.

*********

There are 2 ways of looking at this: negative and positive.

Be angry, frustrated and annoyed, or realize maybe the universe is trying to tell me something and is helping me in a way that might seem annoying and unhelpful on the surface.

I'm going with the latter.

Maybe it was all about going to the cardiologist, which I never would have done.

I do still think it is maybe better to check an IUD placement by sonogram at the time of insertion, especially if there are some irregular "factors" like I have. But I'm going to be positive about the whole thing, and I am SO relieved it's done and over.  This is the last IUD I will ever need. 

And it did work out. I need my girl-vault locked, no hormones, it's very psychological for me. 

So I hope in 6 weeks all is still well (it should be) and that will be the end of this ordeal.

Also, still, fuck you 2025!

Fuck C-PTSD too!