Getting Dusty Again

I was back on Governor's Island today for our annual Downtown Boathouse picnic.

Yesterday was SO COLD, I wore my merino wool unders today and- depite the weather being similar...?? I was too hot!

Oh well.

Since it appears I am incapable of going anywhere without paint, but today was not a day for oils, I brought my new Luchetti sketchbook and some pastels.

Last Sunday on my overnight shift on the hotline I brought my Luchetti Via (the little Luchetti) and some pastels and I did a mini made-up landscape which I haven't posted anywhere yet. I have missed working in pastel but haven't wanted the commitment of a full painting.

The sketchbook is perfect. It's filling a gap I have been looking to fill for a while now.

Both my Luchettis are hot press and this paper seriously will take anything.

This is a one-hour painting, 8x16.

I used those Sennelier pencils I got last year and my travel set of Nupastel.

Next time I'm bringing Unisons, oh yes I am.

I primed the paper with clear gesso which is very nice for pastel- it's a rough surface, different than regular white gesso.

The surface texture was good but I struggled with the white of the paper... I never work on white with pastel.

Those Senn pencils are hard-pastel and are kind of only good for blocking in those under-layers...well, my experience with them, so far. Nupastel is softer and has to go on top of these senns.

I do not consider this part of my personal 50 plein air a year goal... that's for standalone oils only.

When I got home I had this BRILLIANT! IDEA! to mix raw pigment right into the clear gesso for a nice toned-but-still-transparent-ish surface for pastels.

This is freaking brilliant.

I have so much raw pigment because of egg tempera.

It's nice when mediums cross over and help each other.

I think of soft pastel, oil paint, and egg tempera as first cousins.

I have used grated pastel dust in several egg tempera paintings, now egg tempera helps my pastelling!

******

The picnic was fun and it was nice to see my friends.

Martin drove the golf cart loaded up with everything back to the ferry when it was time to leave.

Kedrin sat in front with him, we piled so much stuff onto that golf cart.

Aimee and I sat on the back- on our knees on precariously secured bungee-bins and held onto the cart for dear life.  Martin avoided most of the potholes. Sharp turns were another story....

It was more fun than a roller coaster could ever be- and possibly more dangerous- who needs Six Flags when you have the boathouse?

******

My friend M still wants to be friends.

I had to... once again.... try to explain with a psychology article why offering unsolicited advice is not a good thing and is NOT helpful...I'm honestly still not sure he really gets it.

He also said no one ever told him this before- so it really might be a new concept to him which explains why he's so fucking dense about it.  So, I have to give him grace and move on.

But I won't tolerate it anymore in our friendship.

In other relationships I just tell people outright I'm not looking for advice or analysis, and it's always fine. No conflict.

I also have to remember I have the benefit of the hotline training and experience (which seriously is HUGE)- being around more people than he is, and the caliber of people I am around is generally very high-quality, intelligent, very educated, and especially on the hotline- very emotionally intelligent. 

While I have stated my requirement, I also will give him grace and the chance to... not do it anymore.

He says he understands I don't like it. (Finally, how many times can you tell a person...)

Fuckin A, it's a good thing this is a text-only relationship.

I couldn't do it in-person.

Fort Jay, Governor's Island

I could paint on Governor's Island every single day for a year and still not run out of cool things to paint.

David and I met on the 7am ferry over to paint.

We both thought Fort Jay was a fantastic spot.

There were two- actually three- paintings where I was standing.

I intended to do two but it was SO COLD.

I was dressed warmer than I have been yet this season but it wasn't enough.

Actually on the way over I was hot... but for standing still I needed my wool unders.

Temp was 50 but with the wind felt like 38.

I really did think it would warm up a bit but nope.

Davisd was also freezing.

Here is a strange painting of Fort Jay. I want to go back to that spot and paint the amazing tree.

8x10 oil

My panel was Pebbleized....

*****

Pebbles is fine, for the most part, except for being really B12 deficient.

I'm supplementing and tracking her weight at home.

*****

I have still been feeling this intense anger.

It's complex and multi-faceted and isn't just about me.

The vet bill just really zapped it, like I got electrocuted or something.

It's been waking me up at night.

I haven't been sleeping well, unusual for me, except for Weds night when I knocked out for 10 hours, I have been up at 4am all week.

A plus to that was waking up at 4am to make the 7am ferry was easy today.....

So anyhow before I left this morning I paid off the bill because I have to clear the energy.

While painting the anger towards my friend M finally coalesced and I got the words I needed to say.

In fact, it became so pressing I had to write and send it even before getting home.

So, after I got off the GI ferry, I stopped in the waiting room at the Staten Island ferry to compose my words and send them.  There is a problem in the friendship, something he does, that I have explained and asked several times that he doesn't do, but it makes no difference.

He either needs to respect my request in this matter or I will let the friendship go.

Either way is fine with me, and I needed to finally do this to start releasing this anger.

I am hoping the combination of these things will start to break it up.

It's a lot of energy so I don't expect anything immediately, but over the next day or so I hope to feel better.

Violation

1. I don't know if the stupid bots fucked off yet but that post had about a third of the traffic I've been getting lately so I'm feeling hopeful.

2. I took Pebbles to the vet Tuesday evening. She's ok, it's just routine.
She got an exam, urinalysis, 3 year FVR/CP vax, and senior bloodwork "Health Check Plus" with B12 and folate check. All of these things are medically appropriate. 

At no time did my vet use fear or try to upsell me on anything.

The bill is $902.

NINE HUNDRED AND TWO DOLLARS
just to take my senior cat to the vet for
BASIC ROUTINE CARE.

Again, NINE HUNDRED AND TWO DOLLARS.

This is just not right.

It's shocking.

It's more than I paid for her echo 6 years ago, and more than I paid for her ultrasound 2 or 3 years ago.

And it's not my vet's fault.

It's not the clinic's fault.

Actually the staff are suffering badly too and I'd bet more than my outrageous vet bill that my vet is underpaid and being treated poorly.

The receptionist told me their ownership is charging THEM for services the labs don't charge!

Do I know where the money is going?

Yep, I sure do.

They are private-equity owned by AmeriVet.

There's not a big ownership chain to the top, and it's headquarted in Abu Dhabi.

This means profits from my small local neighborhood vet clinic

ARE GOING TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

The receptionist also told me they recently got a call from ownership mandating they raise all their prices that day immediately, in addition to what seems like quarterly increases.

This isn't a new problem, it's been going on in vet care and so many other sectors of society for years now.  It's just getting worse. Basic everyday living and society is being plundered and looted... in this case to bring profits- again- TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

This is where we have arrived as a society and even basic vet care is truly no longer accessible for me.

I did put money aside for this visit but this is beyond what any normal person like me can do for basic care.

I feel so deeply violated and there is no other word for it.

This system is intentionally and deliberately exploiting peoples' heart energy, and that activates a great deal of rage in me.

If I take Pebbles back in a year, assuming she's still around, this same appointment will likely cost A THOUSAND DOLLARS. Yes, it's going up that fast.

I cannot.

Can I pay this bill?

My savings will take a hit but yes.

And I need to just pay it off immediately even though I have 6 months interest-free to do so, because I can't have this energy hanging over me, I need to clear it.
It's so toxic to me.

Will I do this again?

No.  I can't.

I simply can't.

And before anyone wants to think in their head problem-solving ASSVICE, just stop it right now.

Switching vets for many logistical reasons isn't an option for me, and also yeah I'm not a dumbass and I have checked around at other vets in my area and they are either physically inaccessible, closed, or it's the same situation.

I have been with my current vet for almost 20 years.

I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO FIND THE SOLUTION TO THIS.

********

I am on an ongoing text thread with 2 college friends.

We mostly discuss painting and cats and sometimes our kids.

One of these friends, we'll call him M, is... let's say.... aligned very differently than I am, and also in an outspoken and extreme way.

I am ok maintaining the relationship as long as he doesn't throw his nasty opinions in my face, which do spill out of him and I stop the conversation. While I don't respect his stance on things, I also believe we need connection energy in the world right now because disconnection energy is just too strong and too prevalent.

In the text thread I mentioned the bill and the reasons for it.

He is the kind who will immediately launch into basic level context-clueless ASSVICE that everyone can think for themselves about. 

(This is the kind of thing that immediately pisses me off, and I'm already mad about the vet bill and my loss of accessible vet care which also means I won't have cats anymore after my three transition out. And that's a whole big upset I need to relegate to the background of my emotions, as it is not my current situation.)

I have previously asked him not to do this several times but he just can't comprehend not doing it, I guess.

I mentioned the private equity ownership issue and his response to it was so...... there really is no other word... ignorant of the situation that's been happening all around the country and I was a bit shocked.

(He actually said there must be laws against that, must be a NY state thing. Wow just wow.)

So I told him he should educate himself on the effects of private equity ownership on society and he got SO ANGRY.  I don't give a crap.  Be angry.  He's clearly not used to someone- especially a woman- (yes he's like that) telling him he's uninformed.

And he kept texting and the more he texted the more he revealed his ignorance, truly.

While saying "I know how private equity works!"

I removed myself from the conversation and I can't interact with him right now.

I'm too angry.

*******

So, I'm trying to move through this intense anger.

I will, it will settle and I'm doing better today than yesterday.

And it's ok for me to be angry, I'm just allowing it.

I initiated a transfer from savings to cover the bill, so I can clear this and move forward.

Bloodwork results for Pebbles are still pending.

Stupid Bots F Off

This blog is under copyright as stated at the right for many years, nothing here can be used in any way for any reason without written consent from me, but the bots are ignoring that.

I don't grant permission to any bot crawler or AI to train from my content, but somehow in today's world that doesn't matter. It's frustrating and pisses me off.

I have always been careful about my blog privacy settings.  

There are a few readers but barely anyone, and that's fine with me.

Since my algorithm post the bots have come in full force, despite this blog opting out for many years from web crawlers and google search.

I am a firm believer in respecting human rights and privacy, and none of that matters to the systems of the internet anymore.

It should matter. Humans matter more than robots.

Basic respect matters.

So, AI bots, fuck off and get off my blog.

You don't have my permission to be here, but I know even though I'm directly telling this to you, you will not have any respect for me (or anyone else) and you'll continue your insidious robot violation ways.

Again, fuck off.

Castle Williams & Angst

Today I wanted to paint and go to the boathouse after... I haven't been to the boathouse even once... ALL MONTH! It's been because of travelling and weather.

And I didn't make it to the boathouse today, either, because this painting on Governor's Island took forever.

8x10 oil

This painting took way too long and I got lost and confused in it. 

Start time 10:55am, end time 3:35pm. That's too long.

And I messed up the bottom at the end of the painting session.

People were being very annoying too, I had my airpods in which usually deters people but somehow everyone kept asking me for directions. Like they came right over, got ignored, and then just stood and waited until I stopped painting, paused my audio book, took out my airpods, and said something to them. And they KNEW they were disturbing me. They just didn't care. This happened 4-5 times. Not only that, but there was a parks volunteer answering questions nearby! And they still had to bug me!

And then there was the couple that parked themselves right behind me TWICE.

I was not standing in a "nice" area, so it was definitely deliberate.

Not only that, but there were other nearby much nicer places they could have gone.

I don't like the feeling of people camped out behind me watching me.

It's eerie and distracting and I can feel it.

My looks at them didn't work.

Would you like someone camped out behind you - watching you?

I hate it.

I always account for this when I set up, but wow they were persistent and I truly didn't expect anyone to sit where they were. It wasn't a nice place to sit at all. They were sitting in dirt.

I even moved my setup to take my panel out of their line of sight, but it put the panel in shadow and I had trouble seeing.

They eventually left and I moved back, right in front of them as they were leaving.

They saw.

And then a little while later they came back and did it again!

But this time I got smart and moved my whole entire setup back.

This is not about being self-conscious, I'm not.

It's about the energy, and when people are sitting watching I can really feel it.

It's extremely invasive and I can't get into my zone properly. 

I do keep a physical gear- barrier around me so people don't come too close- because they will- and even then I have to tell people to stay back. 

Well, I guess I wasn't in a people-y mood today.

If you see someone focused and working, just leave them alone!

Have a little respect!

*********

Three paintings I have done lately have been real struggles.

And they have taken a lot longer than they should.

I'm wondering why.

I don't know if it's because I'm growing and am feeling uncoordinated, or if- despite my motivation to paint which is currently excellent- my artistic engines need a short rest. I can't tell.

I always have a yearly goal of 50 plein air paintings for the year, and this is #43.

7 more to go, and I can do it, I can get to 50, but I have to prioritize it.

I lost a lot of time earlier this year because of the weather.

Now sunset is early.

The season is changing, I feel weird today in general.

It's also my long-disappeared sister's 50th birthday.

I don't know if she's even still alive or not.

Escape

For the last 2 weeks, since I got my jury summons, I have had a lot of feelings, and I have been trying to get them out of my system before having to go in and plead my I-REALLY-can't-do-this case.

I went into that courthouse SO angry this morning.

I couldn't shake it.

What an awful feeling to be forced to do something like this, to derail your whole life- against your will.

They told us we would be there 9-5 until May 22.

Oh my god, NO.

After waiting for almost 3 hours, it was my turn to express concerns.

The lady wasn't having it.

Didn't care about work problems it will cause, because work will pay for it.

Didn't care about the list of work stuff I would miss.

Didn't care about the hotline, which jury duty absolutely would conflict with.

Didn't care about a 9-hour crisis response overnight shift that would conflict.

Didn't care about 2 after-work appointments I scheduled in March.

Didn't care about my 20 year work anniversary.

Didn't care about scheduled vacation days.

Didn't care about the vet appt I have for Pebbles early May.

Didn't care about after work social plans I made in March.

I had everything laid out in a word doc.

I was annoying.

I acknowledged I was annoying, but this was truly such a huge problem for me.

I said I can't do all the days, I said these are the days I absolutely HAVE to be out early.

She said no more than 2 days off.

I had to choose the day after my 9 hour overnight shift on the hotline- physically impossible (and unreasonable) for me to do both, and my scheduled vacation day May 22.

That's all she would give me.

I said I can't change these appointments, what do I do?

She just shrugged, that's your problem.

All she wanted to know was if I was staying or coming back in October.

I stayed.

I was so mad, I think I had smoke coming off me.

It's not right.

I do MORE THAN 500 HOURS A YEAR in volunteer community service.

360 of those are on the hotline, and I think my service to society is of much greater benefit on the hotline than it is in Grand Jury. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!

******

They started calling names to go across the street to the main courtroom.

They did not call everyone's name.

They did not call my name.

Other people asked about that, and they said just wait, they will call more people later.

Then they sent us to lunch at 12:40, said come back at 2.

I sat under a tree and read, and tried to just ground and relax.

There were pigeons. I love pigeons.

These 2 are clearly friends, and I shared some of my lunch with them.

I went back at 1:30.

2pm rolled around, nothing.

3pm rolled around, nothing.

Around 3:45 the court people came back and said they have everyone they need, we're done, we'll get a certificate of service that is good for 6 years.

OH MY GOD I ESCAPED!

I do not know if the lady did something, put my name in a different pile or something, and I know it's her job to not care about peoples' lives, and I know she's heard everything....

I think the Universe had my back.

I'll never know for sure, but as I left I said a very happy thank you to that lady, and she was very friendly and I think??? she winked at me.

I was SO relieved, and walked home from court which took about an hour... I feel like my body is holding all the energy from it, still, and I need a little time to shake it off.

Disproportionate Resentment

Today I went into the office, and since Kedrin and I are work neighbors, we met to scope out Battery Park and see how bad it is.

Because I want to paint the labyrinth there.

It's bad.

Still.

Battery Park used to be one of the coolest parks in NYC, and now it is all trash construction.

It's awful. The labyrinth I have been wanting to paint since 2024 is still all blocked off.

What an embarrassment.

I'm not sure what's worse: Penn Station or Battery Park, and that's really saying something.

After declaring Battery Park a disaster, Kedrin and I headed up to Trinity Church to see the flowers in the graveyard.

Now all the tourists want to congregate around Alexander Hamilton's grave.

(No one cared about it before the musical came out.)

We met Jack the Historian, and that was a fun encounter.

**********

From what I can tell from poking around the internets, it looks like I am stuck with this burden of Grand Jury. They are not going to care about the life derailment it will cause.

I'm going to prepare and bring a list of my dates and conflicts, which are significant.

My calendar often books 6-8 weeks in advance.

I have a deep simmering resentment about it, I know it's disproportionate to the circumstance but there it is.

Good Tuesday, Crap Tuesday

Good Tuesday:

The painting from Riverside Park sold!

Wow, that was nice.

It more than paid for all that nice new paint used in the painting!

Crap Tuesday:

I got another Grand Jury Summons.

AGAIN.

FUCK.

I can't defer it anymore.

Back in October they told me they were moving me to trial instead.

21 days MINIMUM is just way too much time to take anyone off work, but they don't give a shit, especially if your employer pays for it, which of course mine does.

So yeah they'll want me and I want NOTHING to do with this.

It's absolutely an imposition.

It absolutely upends my life.

Trial would have been ok because it's generally not that long, maybe three days, and that's ok.

But pulling someone out of their life for MINIMUM 21 days is excessive and unreasonable and I resent it intensely. Actually, I'm flat-out angry about it. It's a hardship for me, but not the kind they care about.

Our president doesn't follow the law, and I resent that I have to in this case.

I do not want to be boxed in with a bunch of people, I do not want to be stuck in court from 9-5, I will not be able to get to the hotline on time or do much of anything after work- including painting.

It's a later schedule than what I am used to, and I'm also not used to other people telling me how to schedule my day.

It's the length of time.

It's just too long.

I'm REALLY busy at work, too.

And they gave me 2 weeks' notice.

Also, my mental capacity is kind-of not great right now and I don't need a pile of new information that I don't care about.

I was grumping about it to my shift partner on the hotline, and they said maybe you'll meet someone interesting. They would LOVE to get 21 days away from their job!

Not me. And I already know a lot of interesting people!

I know I need to shift to a more positive mindset about it but freaking GRAND JURY, it's too much of my time and I'd really like them to leave me alone and find someone else.

Deep Overwhelm

This past October I had my IUD switched out for the same thing, except not expired.

The IUD has an additional protective factor of a sonogram on the annual visit.

If you don't have problems it's not standard.

My friend just had to have major surgery due to issues that were not known until they got too big and caused problems. Things grow silently and undetected, until it's an issue. 

I also found out some stuff from IUD sonograms but I'm ok, no treatment is needed--- but we know about them and that's important. I would never have known otherwise.

So, it's protective in that way.

The way my gyn does insertions is different than my first one- they don't do a sonogram at the time of placement. (In 2014 that happened; they checked immediately.)

I did speak to them about why they don't. They said it's not necessary.

Instead they have you back in 6 weeks to make sure it hasn't moved, which can happen.

So they do check, they just check later.

Mine moved down, it's no longer considered effective.

My first one never moved... not til they pulled it out 11 years later.

So, I know my body can handle it.

I went back for removal/reinsertion on Weds only to be told that because of factors (which I won't get into here) they have to do it as a surgical procedure that requires sedation. 

And they can do it THIS MONDAY.

Ok, that's fine, I can do that.

But that means a pre-op.

I've had those before; they were never a big deal.

So today I went for my pre-op to a doctor the gyn got me scheduled for who would do a last-minute pre-op. He is also a cardiologist.

My blood pressure was high.

Too high.

It was perfectly normal on Wednesday!

But it's always high at the doctor because I am scared of doctors and medical stuff in general, except the eye doctor. I do worry about my bp, I monitor it at home and it can be normal or slightly elevated but not anything serious. But it spikes at the doctor.

I do have a family history of hypertension, I vaguely recall decades ago being told about it.

But the people in my family who have it also had horrible habits, and my lifestyle is exactly what a person should be doing to not have this issue.  And not just recently, for YEARS. DECADES.

There are no lifestyle changes I can make that I know of.  I'm already living them all.

So if something's going on, it has to be genetic.  Fuck genetics!

It can also be the CPTSD- trauma is known to cause hypertension and other physical problems.

And my CPTSD is definitely in high gear right now.  (I'm managing it as best as I can.)

Anyhow because my bp was very high, and the dr is a cardiologist, I got an echocardiogram and have been sent home with a heart monitor (!!!) that I have to wear for a week.

IUD Complication Results in Heart Monitor
What the fuck ever!

And I get to spend Saturday, tomorrow, getting a stress test.

Basically, he's doing a full heart checkup.

In all honesty it's probably a good idea and maybe I won't stress about my bp so much if I see a cardiologist annually. If he decides my bp needs help... well that's frustrating because it's absolutely definitely NOT lifestyle and that sucks. I don't want to be on medication.

I feel like there is a theme in my life of doing everything as right and responsible as I know how to do and still ending up in a pile of crap.

(Another friend of mine just had a stroke and lost the full left side of his body.  

He's getting function back though. But that's SCARY. I don't want that!)

So maybe I am thinking that the Universe might be looking out for me, because possible hypertension has been a background stressor for me, even though I have no diagnosis of it.

OR... 2025 is still being an asshole.

So because of my IUD, now I have a heart monitor, a full heart checkup, and a cardiologist.

From Weds to Monday I am at the doctor every single day except Sunday, which is Hector's memorial.

It's deeply overwhelming. Too much too fast.

And it's probably bad for my blood pressure.

What the fuck ever 2025!

What a stupid awful horrible year.

I'm ready to be done with it.

20

Daya is 20 years old today.

And she doesn't want to celebrate or even see me because she's in a bad headspace (again), so with the support of her therapist (???) she is going to stay stuck in her own head and do whatever the fuck she wants to do alone and yes I am very upset but then she tells me I'm making it all about me.

I would be fine with it- happy- if she was going out with friends and made time for me another day.

That would be different.

That would be good.

That is not the situation.

I really cannot anymore.

If she was not in a bad mental health space she would want to do something.

She has always liked to do something for her birthday.

20 is an important one.

Everything is too much.

It's one thing after another after another this year.

I'm so tired of being expected to just not have feelings and being dismissed and invalidated when I do.

A daughter's 20th birthday is an important day, and not just for her.

Absolutely everything with family is a big hole of nothing.

I have never been able to get past it, not for lack of trying.

Daya has not learned that 1) other peoples' feelings also matter and 2) when you feel like shit and Something Important happens it's good to show up for it and let some good moments in and maybe get out of your head for a little while. And 3) when you shut people out, it takes something important away from them.

But as always, when she's miserable she inflicts it on everyone around her.

She seems to think no one should be affected by her, and that whatever she is feeling should be what everyone else should experience and just accept.

It's like that INCREDIBLE dance she did last Spring that she hated so she tried to tell me to not even go.

It was honestly one of the most astounding things I have ever seen, but her negativity ruled all and in her eyes no one should be able to find joy in her performance because she didn't like it and that's all that mattered.

I'm sure she'll share my upset text responses with her therapist (I am very glad she is in therapy) but what the fuck ever, I don't care.

While I completely understand the urge to isolate, and I do it too, it's something that you have to be careful with.

I do wish someone she'll actually listen to would tell her to get out of her own head for a little while, that it's good for her and essential for her relationships and connections. And that participating in relationships is extremely important, sometimes even when you don't feel like it.

It's nice to know that, once again, if I have feelings I'm being selfish and making everything all about me. There is no care, no grace, no reciprocation, no acknowledgement.

Well, if I'm selfish so be it but yes I'm very upset and that's how I feel.

I would very much like to mark the important occasion of my daughter's 20th birthday.

She is taking that away from me.

It's irreplaceable.

If it's not valid, and I'm just selfish, what the fuck ever.

*******

I have a.... friend?? Acquaintance?? whose daughter is turning 16 in December. They are having a nice sweet 16 party, complete with a custom-fitted dress, dance lessons, I don't even know what else and it blows my mind. It is such an alien thing to me that people do that.

What is that like?

I cannot comprehend it.

Cannot wrap my head around it.

Is that normal? If so, some people really won life's lottery.

How do some people have absolutely everything and they have no idea they have everything?

How did Martin Know?

This is exactly what I need, all of it.

It will be a quiet day, a bunch of my boathouse friends are camping this weekend.

I was also invited and would have gone but Daya turns 20 on Sunday so I declined.

But...... more on that on Sunday.

.... i should have gone camping....

I need to get through this weekend.

The rest of this year.

47 days left.

Moment by moment.

No More Gallons??

I go through a gallon of solvent every three years or so.

The gallon I have been working through is from November 2022.

(I wrote it on the jug....)

There are only a few inches of solvent left at the bottom, i'm running out and need more so off to Blick I went. Three years ago a gallon was about $52.

I was wondering how much the price has gone up since then.

Unfortunately I never really found out because due to some stupid new VOC law, SELLING AND SHIPPING OF GALLON-SIZED GAMSOL IS NO LONGER LEGAL IN NY STATE.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I assure and guarantee you, my artist Gamsol is NOT the cause of environmental pollutants!

Certainly not a mere gallon container of it!

How about we start with all the nasty industrial waste and construction??

And airplanes and cars?

And plastic everything?

And fast fashion?
No, that's all fine, but I am no longer legally allowed to buy Gamsol in a gallon.

I CAN buy HALF the amount for $50 now though.

So this law makes my materials cost more expensive because I cannot buy in bulk which is a bit of a discount.

YES I need a gallon, I always have a lot of solvent settling after each use, which gets to be quite a lot because I'm out plein airing all the time.  I usually have 2 jugs of solvent settling for re-use, plus my gallon jug of clean solvent for when I really just need a refill. 

It takes over a week for it to get nice and clean again. 

The longer it sits the better.

I did try and order online thru Blick, they have it on sale for $60 (down from $80) but they won't ship it to me.

I AM SO TIRED OF LIFE GETTING STUPIDER 

AND MORE DIFFICULT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.

My solvent jars drying out between use, studio and plein air:

More Adventures in Weird Limited Palettes

There are 49 more days in this year and I have to figure out how to get through it day by day, moment by moment. Doing all the right things still is never enough.

I guess one way to do it is by playing around with weird limited palettes.

What I really wish is that I could just wake up in January and skip the rest of this year.

Reference is from The Long Dark (again) but I forgot/can't tell what region it's from.

9x12 oil

Vasari Naples Yellow PY 41-- nothing else compares!
Quinacridone Red PV 19
Viridian PG 18
Titanium PW 6

Ok & Not Ok

Whoa.

I was supposed to be on the hotline last night.

Thought I was ok.

I went, arrived on time.

I have been pretty ok (I think?) on 9/11 for a while now, and I didn't even think about it when I booked the shift. 

I was not ok.

As I got closer to the hotline I got more and more not-ok.

And it really hit me when I got there.

I was very not-ok, wow I hate being like that, especially in front of others, and it really caught me off-guard.

It just hit me sideways unexpectedly, and that hasn't happened for a while now.

(It used to happen more often.)

These years I can walk by the memorial, no problem, and I used to not be able to.

I'm down there all the time, actually, and I'm fine.

So lesson learned, I need to be mindful it can still hit me after all these years.

They were really, really cool about it and sent me home.

I always try and bulldoze my way through things but I just really couldn't be in a place to hold space.

Whoa...I can't believe that happened.

I will never book anything serious on 9/11 again.

Just in case.

******

My amazing friend Grace and I talk all the time.

About everything.

We have the kind of friendship where it is safe to be an absolute hot mess.

We are both ok and also really not ok.

That's been the theme lately.

*****

I am grieving something right now, and I knew it would hit, I just didn't know when.

And I guess I was holding it off for a bit but then it was time and now here it is and it just sucks and it's hard. This whole year has been terrible, even though all my good important life structures are stable and in place properly. Externally I'm ok, doing well, things are good. And internally I'm a hot mess, from so many things that have hit this year.

It's such a strange thing because of context.

The kind of thing where it's easy to say just get over it, it shouldn't warrant too much intensity.

And that's not wrong. It really isn't.

On the other hand, if I look at my specific personal context, it makes sense.

It makes all the sense in the world. 

I understand it and I understand WHY.

So I am giving myself time and space and compassion.

I just have to go through it and hope it runs its course sooner rather than later.

I am a little wary because it has made an internal mark, a reinforcement that I do not welcome but there's nothing I can do about that.

Sometimes things just hit like a ton of bricks whether you want it to or not and there's nothing you can do but deal with it in hopefully a healthy way.

******

I have dropped weight this year. 

About 23 lbs. It took about 5 months, which is a healthy rate.

It started out with bad mental health.

I can get in a place where I lose my appetite, the opposite of eating your feelings.

So I thought, well at least something positive is coming out of feeling so shitty.....

...because I kind of needed to lose some weight, though I was never really overweight.

Just a little higher than I wanted to be- a combination of general life through the years, 2019 cataract surgery, then covid lockdown, and some bad coping after that.

I have lost more than I thought, which is ok, and once it started it has been steadily and easily melting off. Like my system is in release mode.

And I am still at a healthy weight for my height. I am where I should be, and where I was in my early 20s. And symbolically, I feel like I have released- at least physically- the weight of the last 25 years.

Emotionally is a different story....

But I shouldn't lose any more and I'm finding that maintaining and not losing is now a challenge because my body seems to have recalibrated to a new (and healthier) point, my habits have shifted, and I have a much lower appetite. Plus I am very physically active, which is nothing new.

Also in all honesty I really do feel much better and more comfortable in and about my body now.

However, I am experiencing an unintended side effect: people thinking it's ok to comment directly about my weight.

It is never ok to initiate comments
on someone's weight.

It is ALWAYS extremely impolite.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you want to tell someone they look good, do that. 

That's always good and appropriate and appreciated.

But don't make a direct comment about weight.

So now I'm navigating the challenge of letting people know they are being impolite-- because it's somehow ok for people to be inappropriate but if you let them know that, you're the asshole.

I am very conflict-avoidant with people I know and like (not so much strangers, I'll dish it out to them) so it's been very awkward.

It's also very annoying, like it's a spotlight saying that's what is most important to people. 

My damn weight.

WTF.

*****

Grace sent me this yesterday, and I really need to sit with it.

I'm not one for over-exerting effort and striving, but there is something here I need to explore.

Huh. That's certainly a different mindset than what I have been feeling and experiencing.....

*******

OH AND ALSO.... OF COUSE....

my cycle showed up first thing this morning, three days early.

Because of course it did.

It's just all too much at the same time.

Today I need to lay low and be easy, and I'll probably feel much better tomorrow.

The Brooklyn Bridge & My Stupid Injury

Today was so busy.... I'm still catching up on assorted things from this week, and I was up early for 2 hours of errands.

And despite temps of 89 F, I wanted to get out and paint.

I also wanted to go somewhere new(ish), so I went down to the seaport and painted the Brooklyn Bridge.

I haven't been over here for a few years.

The park area along the East River isn't nearly as nice as the park on the Hudson... it's a bit seedy and some people live there, but it's ok in the daytime.

I wouldn't go there alone at night. 

(Hudson River Park is definitely safer and I have no worries there at nighttime.)

I really don't do well in this heat... it's difficult to focus and the bridge is a bit intense.

Maybe I'll come back and do this painting again in cooler weather.

The East River was being an asshole and kept spraying my palette and the painting.

Fuck you, East River!

8x10 Oil & The East River, 2 full hours on this one.

After painting I went over to the boathouse.

Because of time and also the nasty hot weather, I took the train instead of going for a nice walk.

The A/C platform at Fulton Street will always be Broadway Nassau to me!

*********

I have a VERY stupid injury, the extent of which I discovered while IN the Hudson River.

Yesterday morning I pulled an ab muscle...... getting out of bed. I felt it happen.

Holy shit I must be getting old.... is this the start of throwing out my back when I sneeze or something?

Well, fuck!

I'm in good shape, I'm strong for my size, my weight is great, how the F did I injure myself..... getting out of bed?

So anyhow, after being spit on by the East River, and the general nastiness of the heat, I went on the water and then IN the water. Which felt amazing!

I can self-rescue in a Prowler in about 6 seconds.

........I cannot self-rescue right now, oh my god it was so painful!

So, I had to swim back to the dock pulling my boat with me.

Thankfully I can swim, that doesn't bother my pulled muscle.

But I can't launch myself up.

My fabulous boathouse people threw the word "hernia" at me but that's very scary and also I truly don't think it's that.  Everything feels fine, it's just a few certain movements that really hurt. Plus I felt the muscle pull.

So, I'm going to rest for a week and next Friday I'll see about self-rescuing again.

I can still paddle just fine, but I will not go alone in the mornings this week... bummer.  

I won't do that if I can't self-rescue, that's dangerous.

It also means if there are trips I can't go until I can self-rescue again.

Who invited the thunderstorm?

This week has been quiet.

Even though my camping trip was great, I have been a bit dysregulated.

Maybe more on that later, but everything is ok, as ok as it could be.

I have been working through some stuff and learning about some stuff relating to CPTSD, which I wish I knew about decades ago... but actually the info wasn't readily available and still is hard to find so.....

CPTSD is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It typically comes from child abuse and neglect, abandonment, and unstable homes. It can also happen from abusive relationships.

It is different than PTSD which is usually event-specific, while CPTSD is from an ongoing repeated traumatic circumstance. It affects brain development in early childhood. It also affects a person's nervous system. I think my entire biological family has it, even the ones who aren't actively mentally ill.

Anyhow I'm finding some answers to some things that I have never found clarity on, so it is a process and I'm a little close to sensitive things right now. This whole year- since November- one thing after another, emotionally speaking.  Is my emotional system going through a huge purge or something? 

Phew, it's a lot.

Maybe more on CPTSD later.

So I have been out-of-sorts a little bit.

There was a 103 Deck boat class tonight.

I did it last year but wanted a refresher, since deck boats are a little more involved than sit-on-top kayaks.

Well, someone invited a MASSIVE thunderstorm to class, so we did the whole thing on land.

New Jersey disappeared...again

Self-rescues in the water will happen on Friday.