Escape

For the last 2 weeks, since I got my jury summons, I have had a lot of feelings, and I have been trying to get them out of my system before having to go in and plead my I-REALLY-can't-do-this case.

I went into that courthouse SO angry this morning.

I couldn't shake it.

What an awful feeling to be forced to do something like this, to derail your whole life- against your will.

They told us we would be there 9-5 until May 22.

Oh my god, NO.

After waiting for almost 3 hours, it was my turn to express concerns.

The lady wasn't having it.

Didn't care about work problems it will cause, because work will pay for it.

Didn't care about the list of work stuff I would miss.

Didn't care about the hotline, which jury duty absolutely would conflict with.

Didn't care about a 9-hour crisis response overnight shift that would conflict.

Didn't care about 2 after-work appointments I scheduled in March.

Didn't care about my 20 year work anniversary.

Didn't care about scheduled vacation days.

Didn't care about the vet appt I have for Pebbles early May.

Didn't care about after work social plans I made in March.

I had everything laid out in a word doc.

I was annoying.

I acknowledged I was annoying, but this was truly such a huge problem for me.

I said I can't do all the days, I said these are the days I absolutely HAVE to be out early.

She said no more than 2 days off.

I had to choose the day after my 9 hour overnight shift on the hotline- physically impossible (and unreasonable) for me to do both, and my scheduled vacation day May 22.

That's all she would give me.

I said I can't change these appointments, what do I do?

She just shrugged, that's your problem.

All she wanted to know was if I was staying or coming back in October.

I stayed.

I was so mad, I think I had smoke coming off me.

It's not right.

I do MORE THAN 500 HOURS A YEAR in volunteer community service.

360 of those are on the hotline, and I think my service to society is of much greater benefit on the hotline than it is in Grand Jury. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!

******

They started calling names to go across the street to the main courtroom.

They did not call everyone's name.

They did not call my name.

Other people asked about that, and they said just wait, they will call more people later.

Then they sent us to lunch at 12:40, said come back at 2.

I sat under a tree and read, and tried to just ground and relax.

There were pigeons. I love pigeons.

These 2 are clearly friends, and I shared some of my lunch with them.

I went back at 1:30.

2pm rolled around, nothing.

3pm rolled around, nothing.

Around 3:45 the court people came back and said they have everyone they need, we're done, we'll get a certificate of service that is good for 6 years.

OH MY GOD I ESCAPED!

I do not know if the lady did something, put my name in a different pile or something, and I know it's her job to not care about peoples' lives, and I know she's heard everything....

I think the Universe had my back.

I'll never know for sure, but as I left I said a very happy thank you to that lady, and she was very friendly and I think??? she winked at me.

I was SO relieved, and walked home from court which took about an hour... I feel like my body is holding all the energy from it, still, and I need a little time to shake it off.

Disproportionate Resentment

Today I went into the office, and since Kedrin and I are work neighbors, we met to scope out Battery Park and see how bad it is.

Because I want to paint the labyrinth there.

It's bad.

Still.

Battery Park used to be one of the coolest parks in NYC, and now it is all trash construction.

It's awful. The labyrinth I have been wanting to paint since 2024 is still all blocked off.

What an embarrassment.

I'm not sure what's worse: Penn Station or Battery Park, and that's really saying something.

After declaring Battery Park a disaster, Kedrin and I headed up to Trinity Church to see the flowers in the graveyard.

Now all the tourists want to congregate around Alexander Hamilton's grave.

(No one cared about it before the musical came out.)

We met Jack the Historian, and that was a fun encounter.

**********

From what I can tell from poking around the internets, it looks like I am stuck with this burden of Grand Jury. They are not going to care about the life derailment it will cause.

I'm going to prepare and bring a list of my dates and conflicts, which are significant.

My calendar often books 6-8 weeks in advance.

I have a deep simmering resentment about it, I know it's disproportionate to the circumstance but there it is.

Good Tuesday, Crap Tuesday

Good Tuesday:

The painting from Riverside Park sold!

Wow, that was nice.

It more than paid for all that nice new paint used in the painting!

Crap Tuesday:

I got another Grand Jury Summons.

AGAIN.

FUCK.

I can't defer it anymore.

Back in October they told me they were moving me to trial instead.

21 days MINIMUM is just way too much time to take anyone off work, but they don't give a shit, especially if your employer pays for it, which of course mine does.

So yeah they'll want me and I want NOTHING to do with this.

It's absolutely an imposition.

It absolutely upends my life.

Trial would have been ok because it's generally not that long, maybe three days, and that's ok.

But pulling someone out of their life for MINIMUM 21 days is excessive and unreasonable and I resent it intensely. Actually, I'm flat-out angry about it. It's a hardship for me, but not the kind they care about.

Our president doesn't follow the law, and I resent that I have to in this case.

I do not want to be boxed in with a bunch of people, I do not want to be stuck in court from 9-5, I will not be able to get to the hotline on time or do much of anything after work- including painting.

It's a later schedule than what I am used to, and I'm also not used to other people telling me how to schedule my day.

It's the length of time.

It's just too long.

I'm REALLY busy at work, too.

And they gave me 2 weeks' notice.

Also, my mental capacity is kind-of not great right now and I don't need a pile of new information that I don't care about.

I was grumping about it to my shift partner on the hotline, and they said maybe you'll meet someone interesting. They would LOVE to get 21 days away from their job!

Not me. And I already know a lot of interesting people!

I know I need to shift to a more positive mindset about it but freaking GRAND JURY, it's too much of my time and I'd really like them to leave me alone and find someone else.

Deep Overwhelm

This past October I had my IUD switched out for the same thing, except not expired.

The IUD has an additional protective factor of a sonogram on the annual visit.

If you don't have problems it's not standard.

My friend just had to have major surgery due to issues that were not known until they got too big and caused problems. Things grow silently and undetected, until it's an issue. 

I also found out some stuff from IUD sonograms but I'm ok, no treatment is needed--- but we know about them and that's important. I would never have known otherwise.

So, it's protective in that way.

The way my gyn does insertions is different than my first one- they don't do a sonogram at the time of placement. (In 2014 that happened; they checked immediately.)

I did speak to them about why they don't. They said it's not necessary.

Instead they have you back in 6 weeks to make sure it hasn't moved, which can happen.

So they do check, they just check later.

Mine moved down, it's no longer considered effective.

My first one never moved... not til they pulled it out 11 years later.

So, I know my body can handle it.

I went back for removal/reinsertion on Weds only to be told that because of factors (which I won't get into here) they have to do it as a surgical procedure that requires sedation. 

And they can do it THIS MONDAY.

Ok, that's fine, I can do that.

But that means a pre-op.

I've had those before; they were never a big deal.

So today I went for my pre-op to a doctor the gyn got me scheduled for who would do a last-minute pre-op. He is also a cardiologist.

My blood pressure was high.

Too high.

It was perfectly normal on Wednesday!

But it's always high at the doctor because I am scared of doctors and medical stuff in general, except the eye doctor. I do worry about my bp, I monitor it at home and it can be normal or slightly elevated but not anything serious. But it spikes at the doctor.

I do have a family history of hypertension, I vaguely recall decades ago being told about it.

But the people in my family who have it also had horrible habits, and my lifestyle is exactly what a person should be doing to not have this issue.  And not just recently, for YEARS. DECADES.

There are no lifestyle changes I can make that I know of.  I'm already living them all.

So if something's going on, it has to be genetic.  Fuck genetics!

It can also be the CPTSD- trauma is known to cause hypertension and other physical problems.

And my CPTSD is definitely in high gear right now.  (I'm managing it as best as I can.)

Anyhow because my bp was very high, and the dr is a cardiologist, I got an echocardiogram and have been sent home with a heart monitor (!!!) that I have to wear for a week.

IUD Complication Results in Heart Monitor
What the fuck ever!

And I get to spend Saturday, tomorrow, getting a stress test.

Basically, he's doing a full heart checkup.

In all honesty it's probably a good idea and maybe I won't stress about my bp so much if I see a cardiologist annually. If he decides my bp needs help... well that's frustrating because it's absolutely definitely NOT lifestyle and that sucks. I don't want to be on medication.

I feel like there is a theme in my life of doing everything as right and responsible as I know how to do and still ending up in a pile of crap.

(Another friend of mine just had a stroke and lost the full left side of his body.  

He's getting function back though. But that's SCARY. I don't want that!)

So maybe I am thinking that the Universe might be looking out for me, because possible hypertension has been a background stressor for me, even though I have no diagnosis of it.

OR... 2025 is still being an asshole.

So because of my IUD, now I have a heart monitor, a full heart checkup, and a cardiologist.

From Weds to Monday I am at the doctor every single day except Sunday, which is Hector's memorial.

It's deeply overwhelming. Too much too fast.

And it's probably bad for my blood pressure.

What the fuck ever 2025!

What a stupid awful horrible year.

I'm ready to be done with it.

20

Daya is 20 years old today.

And she doesn't want to celebrate or even see me because she's in a bad headspace (again), so with the support of her therapist (???) she is going to stay stuck in her own head and do whatever the fuck she wants to do alone and yes I am very upset but then she tells me I'm making it all about me.

I would be fine with it- happy- if she was going out with friends and made time for me another day.

That would be different.

That would be good.

That is not the situation.

I really cannot anymore.

If she was not in a bad mental health space she would want to do something.

She has always liked to do something for her birthday.

20 is an important one.

Everything is too much.

It's one thing after another after another this year.

I'm so tired of being expected to just not have feelings and being dismissed and invalidated when I do.

A daughter's 20th birthday is an important day, and not just for her.

Absolutely everything with family is a big hole of nothing.

I have never been able to get past it, not for lack of trying.

Daya has not learned that 1) other peoples' feelings also matter and 2) when you feel like shit and Something Important happens it's good to show up for it and let some good moments in and maybe get out of your head for a little while. And 3) when you shut people out, it takes something important away from them.

But as always, when she's miserable she inflicts it on everyone around her.

She seems to think no one should be affected by her, and that whatever she is feeling should be what everyone else should experience and just accept.

It's like that INCREDIBLE dance she did last Spring that she hated so she tried to tell me to not even go.

It was honestly one of the most astounding things I have ever seen, but her negativity ruled all and in her eyes no one should be able to find joy in her performance because she didn't like it and that's all that mattered.

I'm sure she'll share my upset text responses with her therapist (I am very glad she is in therapy) but what the fuck ever, I don't care.

While I completely understand the urge to isolate, and I do it too, it's something that you have to be careful with.

I do wish someone she'll actually listen to would tell her to get out of her own head for a little while, that it's good for her and essential for her relationships and connections. And that participating in relationships is extremely important, sometimes even when you don't feel like it.

It's nice to know that, once again, if I have feelings I'm being selfish and making everything all about me. There is no care, no grace, no reciprocation, no acknowledgement.

Well, if I'm selfish so be it but yes I'm very upset and that's how I feel.

I would very much like to mark the important occasion of my daughter's 20th birthday.

She is taking that away from me.

It's irreplaceable.

If it's not valid, and I'm just selfish, what the fuck ever.

*******

I have a.... friend?? Acquaintance?? whose daughter is turning 16 in December. They are having a nice sweet 16 party, complete with a custom-fitted dress, dance lessons, I don't even know what else and it blows my mind. It is such an alien thing to me that people do that.

What is that like?

I cannot comprehend it.

Cannot wrap my head around it.

Is that normal? If so, some people really won life's lottery.

How do some people have absolutely everything and they have no idea they have everything?

How did Martin Know?

This is exactly what I need, all of it.

It will be a quiet day, a bunch of my boathouse friends are camping this weekend.

I was also invited and would have gone but Daya turns 20 on Sunday so I declined.

But...... more on that on Sunday.

.... i should have gone camping....

I need to get through this weekend.

The rest of this year.

47 days left.

Moment by moment.

No More Gallons??

I go through a gallon of solvent every three years or so.

The gallon I have been working through is from November 2022.

(I wrote it on the jug....)

There are only a few inches of solvent left at the bottom, i'm running out and need more so off to Blick I went. Three years ago a gallon was about $52.

I was wondering how much the price has gone up since then.

Unfortunately I never really found out because due to some stupid new VOC law, SELLING AND SHIPPING OF GALLON-SIZED GAMSOL IS NO LONGER LEGAL IN NY STATE.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I assure and guarantee you, my artist Gamsol is NOT the cause of environmental pollutants!

Certainly not a mere gallon container of it!

How about we start with all the nasty industrial waste and construction??

And airplanes and cars?

And plastic everything?

And fast fashion?
No, that's all fine, but I am no longer legally allowed to buy Gamsol in a gallon.

I CAN buy HALF the amount for $50 now though.

So this law makes my materials cost more expensive because I cannot buy in bulk which is a bit of a discount.

YES I need a gallon, I always have a lot of solvent settling after each use, which gets to be quite a lot because I'm out plein airing all the time.  I usually have 2 jugs of solvent settling for re-use, plus my gallon jug of clean solvent for when I really just need a refill. 

It takes over a week for it to get nice and clean again. 

The longer it sits the better.

I did try and order online thru Blick, they have it on sale for $60 (down from $80) but they won't ship it to me.

I AM SO TIRED OF LIFE GETTING STUPIDER 

AND MORE DIFFICULT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.

My solvent jars drying out between use, studio and plein air:

More Adventures in Weird Limited Palettes

There are 49 more days in this year and I have to figure out how to get through it day by day, moment by moment. Doing all the right things still is never enough.

I guess one way to do it is by playing around with weird limited palettes.

What I really wish is that I could just wake up in January and skip the rest of this year.

Reference is from The Long Dark (again) but I forgot/can't tell what region it's from.

9x12 oil

Vasari Naples Yellow PY 41-- nothing else compares!
Quinacridone Red PV 19
Viridian PG 18
Titanium PW 6

Ok & Not Ok

Whoa.

I was supposed to be on the hotline last night.

Thought I was ok.

I went, arrived on time.

I have been pretty ok (I think?) on 9/11 for a while now, and I didn't even think about it when I booked the shift. 

I was not ok.

As I got closer to the hotline I got more and more not-ok.

And it really hit me when I got there.

I was very not-ok, wow I hate being like that, especially in front of others, and it really caught me off-guard.

It just hit me sideways unexpectedly, and that hasn't happened for a while now.

(It used to happen more often.)

These years I can walk by the memorial, no problem, and I used to not be able to.

I'm down there all the time, actually, and I'm fine.

So lesson learned, I need to be mindful it can still hit me after all these years.

They were really, really cool about it and sent me home.

I always try and bulldoze my way through things but I just really couldn't be in a place to hold space.

Whoa...I can't believe that happened.

I will never book anything serious on 9/11 again.

Just in case.

******

My amazing friend Grace and I talk all the time.

About everything.

We have the kind of friendship where it is safe to be an absolute hot mess.

We are both ok and also really not ok.

That's been the theme lately.

*****

I am grieving something right now, and I knew it would hit, I just didn't know when.

And I guess I was holding it off for a bit but then it was time and now here it is and it just sucks and it's hard. This whole year has been terrible, even though all my good important life structures are stable and in place properly. Externally I'm ok, doing well, things are good. And internally I'm a hot mess, from so many things that have hit this year.

It's such a strange thing because of context.

The kind of thing where it's easy to say just get over it, it shouldn't warrant too much intensity.

And that's not wrong. It really isn't.

On the other hand, if I look at my specific personal context, it makes sense.

It makes all the sense in the world. 

I understand it and I understand WHY.

So I am giving myself time and space and compassion.

I just have to go through it and hope it runs its course sooner rather than later.

I am a little wary because it has made an internal mark, a reinforcement that I do not welcome but there's nothing I can do about that.

Sometimes things just hit like a ton of bricks whether you want it to or not and there's nothing you can do but deal with it in hopefully a healthy way.

******

I have dropped weight this year. 

About 23 lbs. It took about 5 months, which is a healthy rate.

It started out with bad mental health.

I can get in a place where I lose my appetite, the opposite of eating your feelings.

So I thought, well at least something positive is coming out of feeling so shitty.....

...because I kind of needed to lose some weight, though I was never really overweight.

Just a little higher than I wanted to be- a combination of general life through the years, 2019 cataract surgery, then covid lockdown, and some bad coping after that.

I have lost more than I thought, which is ok, and once it started it has been steadily and easily melting off. Like my system is in release mode.

And I am still at a healthy weight for my height. I am where I should be, and where I was in my early 20s. And symbolically, I feel like I have released- at least physically- the weight of the last 25 years.

Emotionally is a different story....

But I shouldn't lose any more and I'm finding that maintaining and not losing is now a challenge because my body seems to have recalibrated to a new (and healthier) point, my habits have shifted, and I have a much lower appetite. Plus I am very physically active, which is nothing new.

Also in all honesty I really do feel much better and more comfortable in and about my body now.

However, I am experiencing an unintended side effect: people thinking it's ok to comment directly about my weight.

It is never ok to initiate comments
on someone's weight.

It is ALWAYS extremely impolite.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you want to tell someone they look good, do that. 

That's always good and appropriate and appreciated.

But don't make a direct comment about weight.

So now I'm navigating the challenge of letting people know they are being impolite-- because it's somehow ok for people to be inappropriate but if you let them know that, you're the asshole.

I am very conflict-avoidant with people I know and like (not so much strangers, I'll dish it out to them) so it's been very awkward.

It's also very annoying, like it's a spotlight saying that's what is most important to people. 

My damn weight.

WTF.

*****

Grace sent me this yesterday, and I really need to sit with it.

I'm not one for over-exerting effort and striving, but there is something here I need to explore.

Huh. That's certainly a different mindset than what I have been feeling and experiencing.....

*******

OH AND ALSO.... OF COUSE....

my cycle showed up first thing this morning, three days early.

Because of course it did.

It's just all too much at the same time.

Today I need to lay low and be easy, and I'll probably feel much better tomorrow.

The Brooklyn Bridge & My Stupid Injury

Today was so busy.... I'm still catching up on assorted things from this week, and I was up early for 2 hours of errands.

And despite temps of 89 F, I wanted to get out and paint.

I also wanted to go somewhere new(ish), so I went down to the seaport and painted the Brooklyn Bridge.

I haven't been over here for a few years.

The park area along the East River isn't nearly as nice as the park on the Hudson... it's a bit seedy and some people live there, but it's ok in the daytime.

I wouldn't go there alone at night. 

(Hudson River Park is definitely safer and I have no worries there at nighttime.)

I really don't do well in this heat... it's difficult to focus and the bridge is a bit intense.

Maybe I'll come back and do this painting again in cooler weather.

The East River was being an asshole and kept spraying my palette and the painting.

Fuck you, East River!

8x10 Oil & The East River, 2 full hours on this one.

After painting I went over to the boathouse.

Because of time and also the nasty hot weather, I took the train instead of going for a nice walk.

The A/C platform at Fulton Street will always be Broadway Nassau to me!

*********

I have a VERY stupid injury, the extent of which I discovered while IN the Hudson River.

Yesterday morning I pulled an ab muscle...... getting out of bed. I felt it happen.

Holy shit I must be getting old.... is this the start of throwing out my back when I sneeze or something?

Well, fuck!

I'm in good shape, I'm strong for my size, my weight is great, how the F did I injure myself..... getting out of bed?

So anyhow, after being spit on by the East River, and the general nastiness of the heat, I went on the water and then IN the water. Which felt amazing!

I can self-rescue in a Prowler in about 6 seconds.

........I cannot self-rescue right now, oh my god it was so painful!

So, I had to swim back to the dock pulling my boat with me.

Thankfully I can swim, that doesn't bother my pulled muscle.

But I can't launch myself up.

My fabulous boathouse people threw the word "hernia" at me but that's very scary and also I truly don't think it's that.  Everything feels fine, it's just a few certain movements that really hurt. Plus I felt the muscle pull.

So, I'm going to rest for a week and next Friday I'll see about self-rescuing again.

I can still paddle just fine, but I will not go alone in the mornings this week... bummer.  

I won't do that if I can't self-rescue, that's dangerous.

It also means if there are trips I can't go until I can self-rescue again.

Who invited the thunderstorm?

This week has been quiet.

Even though my camping trip was great, I have been a bit dysregulated.

Maybe more on that later, but everything is ok, as ok as it could be.

I have been working through some stuff and learning about some stuff relating to CPTSD, which I wish I knew about decades ago... but actually the info wasn't readily available and still is hard to find so.....

CPTSD is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It typically comes from child abuse and neglect, abandonment, and unstable homes. It can also happen from abusive relationships.

It is different than PTSD which is usually event-specific, while CPTSD is from an ongoing repeated traumatic circumstance. It affects brain development in early childhood. It also affects a person's nervous system. I think my entire biological family has it, even the ones who aren't actively mentally ill.

Anyhow I'm finding some answers to some things that I have never found clarity on, so it is a process and I'm a little close to sensitive things right now. This whole year- since November- one thing after another, emotionally speaking.  Is my emotional system going through a huge purge or something? 

Phew, it's a lot.

Maybe more on CPTSD later.

So I have been out-of-sorts a little bit.

There was a 103 Deck boat class tonight.

I did it last year but wanted a refresher, since deck boats are a little more involved than sit-on-top kayaks.

Well, someone invited a MASSIVE thunderstorm to class, so we did the whole thing on land.

New Jersey disappeared...again

Self-rescues in the water will happen on Friday.

The Double Transit Nightmare

This morning we went on an early morning paddle up the river to Gansevoort Beach.

I LOVE being on the river early mornings!

Yesterday I also got to the boathouse early to paddle laps- the water was super choppy and difficult with lots of wind! NOT peaceful! I got 8 laps in, it took an hour and was quite the workout!

This morning the river was quiet and calm. 

We left on a slack current and came home on a south current which took 16 minutes!

Way off in the distance here you can see the Statue of Liberty and the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge.

*******

Originally I was signed up for both public program shifts, because I was also booked for the hotline and figured I would not do the back-and-forth.

But that 4am wake up got to me, and since there was enough volunteer coverage for both shifts, I signed out and made my way home to rest before the hotline.

I'm not doing Saturday shifts anymore; it always messes up my weekend.

I thought it would coordinate better with the boathouse but next month I'm switching back to a Sunday for my weekend shift.

So anyhow, there was an unauthorized person on the tracks and the E train- and all the trains in both directions- were taken out of service so the MTA could power down the tracks and remove the trespassing person.

It took me THREE HOURS (usually it's about an hour) to get home- between waiting in the train and then I just had to walk home which took a good 40 minutes. 

The buses were a mess, and crowded, and I would have to wait, so the most guaranteed option was just to walk it.

I got home, reset and took a nap.

Left on time for the hotline.

THREE MINUTES after i went into the train station, another announcement was posted--- ANOTHER unauthorized person was in the tracks! (Or was it the SAME interloper??) 

The whole thing all over again.

I knew immediately everything would be shut down for a long time, and I was right.

(Taking the bus in wasn't an option. Not only was everyone doing that, it would take 2 1/2 hours AT LEAST to get into Manhattan!)

I called the hotline office- they said take an uber and they will pay for it, so I did.

How crazy is that to get stuck in the same situation twice back-to-back!

At least I wasn't stuck in the tunnel with no way to communicate... and I did end up being on time for my shift.

I am NOT doing hotline Saturdays anymore!

Mirror

This morning I am processing some stuff.

Last night felt like a slap in the face from God, a big one, leaving me spinning saying WTF?

It's not right.

It's really not right or ok.

I know there are areas of my life that are under- or un-developed.

I very much want to grow and expand, but the opportunities don't materialize.

Occasionally when I'm in a bad place- and I really do feel like this- I feel like I never really stood a chance to either get past things or progress beyond a certain point. Cycles repeat.

And this is from core family stuff, I know that. I know what the root is.

I'm not wired properly. 

It's not my fault, and I have been doing my best with it.

Everything is an empty miss.

It's like I just hit a big cement wall and go splat, because I think maybe the wall is finally gone because I have done so much self work, or maybe for once life will throw me a bone.

I have gone splat again.

I tried not to. I lowered my guard, grudgingly, and it took a while. 

I thought it was safe. I had a lot of reasons to think it was safe. 

Anyone would have, honestly.

It wasn't.

It is a stupid awful cycle that has now repeated itself through the years a few times.

I really didn't need this. 2025 has been so awful.

Sometimes I get tired of constant self-processing, and I just want to have something nice happen and enjoy it and learn from experience and just be. A good energy shift. New energy.

This quote I found is what I need to remember:

Peace is not a luxury, it's a baseline. 

And anything that threatens it needs to be questioned, not welcomed.

Ugh except I DID question it, I DID NOT just dive into something without thinking straight, I thought I was careful, and the end result is the same, an empty miss that I did not initiate.

********

Fathers are important to daughters.

They have a profound impact on the kinds of people we attract.

They are the first man who will break a girl's heart, and it sets the stage for everything else.

My father has taught me to expect abandonment, no effort, absence, and inconsistency.

My father doesn't care at all, I don't even have his number anymore.

Haven't heard from him in years. 

After YEARS of basically begging him to be in my life, be in my daughter's life.

I don't do that anymore, not for anyone.

But it leaves a huge impact because it's a parent.

It's some pretty core feedback.

The last time he reached out to me was over 5 years ago- March 2020- just to ask if I still had a job.

Short phone call.

He didn't even call me on 9/11, which I was literally right in the middle of, which he knew.

When I talked to him after, he just said "I wasn't worried about it."

Great, your daughter was literally right in the middle of 9/11 and you weren't concerned at all.

In the 2000 election he called me just to say if I didn't vote for GWB, "don't ever call this house again."

Exact words. I'll never forget it and how it felt.

This is a huge reason why I still maintain a couple of friendships with people who like Trump, because this divisiveness and broken relationships over politics is part of the damage- which I believe is intentional- to fracture peoples' connections. I don't have to agree with them, and I'm not afraid to say so, but in those relationships we leave it alone and respect each other. If people are hateful and disrespectful to me that's another thing but friends don't have to agree on everything. 

The last time I spoke to my father was January 2021- and it was the first time since March 2020- to ask him about something guitar-related that Daya was interested in at the time.

He talked to me for 6 whole minutes before making a lame excuse to get off the phone.

He has also specifically said to me "If we don't speak for 5 years it's fine with me."

It was in response to me being upset with him for not calling me after he said "I promise I'll call you next week" and never doing it. Those words... I promise.

He knows how I feel and he even knows and has directly acknowledged I don't think he cares about me at all. 

But it makes no difference.

And after that 6 minute conversation I decided I was DONE.

He doesn't even know that Daya is at Juilliard.

Refunded Squirrel Food

This rain is bumming out my plein air life!

Look! Right in time for after work painting!

******

I went to Trader Joes quickly after work, before the rain started.

Even though I didn't get much, getting everything into my backpack was still Tetris practice.

The cashier and I talked about Tetris.

She did a great job fitting everything into my pack, without the extra bags I always have.

While I was putting away my extra bags, I pulled out a bag of Trader Joes sunflower seeds that is- embarrassingly- probably 2 years old.

It was in my pack to be squirrel food, but I forgot about it.

The cashier said, "You can return that!"

I said "Really?"

She said yes!

And so I got $3 back for 2 year old Trader Joes sunflower seeds.

Living around things

I wish I could go back in time to Jan 1 2025.

Maybe I could do some things differently, make some different decisions and protect my feelings a little better.

This whole year has been one thing after another, it's just a lot of emotional stuff and being triggered and also the problem of false hope. Some of it I did to myself- unintentionally but still. 

A lot of it is old stuff coming up very intensely that isn't anything I could ever do anything about (I have tried), and some of it I could have maybe not have been open to.... big maybe there. 

I don't know. I tried. Didn't work.

I don't see any benefit to any of it, just stuff I have to get over that hurts me. 

And I'm tired of having stuff to get over with nothing positive to counterbalance it. 

I'm not learning anything from it, I'm not growing from it.

All that is happening is reinforcement of things I don't want to be reinforced (again) and thought I could overcome. Guess not.

Cumulatively, I'm not feeling good about my overall life experience.

I feel like my life has been all about navigating and living through and around trauma and picking up the pieces and doing the best I can from the fallouts of other peoples' dysfunction, interpersonal wars, severe mental illness, abandonment, foundational rejection on repeat, loss, and lack of integrity. 

The events of my life sound like a bad hotline call.

There is truth in being the hero of your own story, and things are what you make of them, and you are in control of your own happiness and thoughts etc, but this isn't about happiness.  It's also true that we are absolutely affected by other people, for better or worse. No one lives in a bubble.

Through the years I have worked on myself a lot but it doesn't seem to matter, I always find myself in the same place coming up empty. I'm so tired.

**********

I often get feedback from different people in different situations, people tell me I have great energy, people tell me I look good.

My self-care is excellent. I am physically healthy and active, I have wonderful friends, I have my painting, the boathouse, the hotline......I am financially stable, I have a good job....... and while all of this is good, I feel like it all just barely keeps my head above water.

It doesn't seem to matter.

And it isn't a gratitude issue, which is one of the worst things to bring up when someone is having a hard time. I feel like I haven't been able to really live- all I have ever done is survive and piece myself back together from other peoples' effects on my life.

Living is a lot different than surviving.

********

I know that the core of everything stems from old family issues and trauma.

It comes up because of my mother's current state, and other things.

And I have come to realize there are things that never really go away.

They can go dormant and we can live around them, you can be in therapy for many years, but they never really go away and can be seriously triggered no matter how much therapy and self work a person has done. That's what I am finding.

I feel like so much of my life has been focused on getting through and living around things and just coping. And in a lot of ways, no matter how I try to stay afloat and try to overcome, I don't think I really ever stood a chance. The statistics agree with me, unfortunately. 

All I can seem to manage is barely keeping my head above water and it is exhausting. I can't stop though, I have to keep my external structures going. For me and Daya.

I don't know how to overcome the effects of foundational trauma, doing everything right doesn't work.

Positive intention, personal energy cultivation, faith, prayer, stability, self awareness and self esteem... all seem to fall short when it really matters.

********

Maybe part of the reason I am on the hotline is to be for others what I never got in the times I needed it the most. 

To make it exist in the world somehow. 

To be able to just be comfort in a dark place with someone and not try to make it better or "fix" it, or tell them what they should or should not do, or think I know them better than they know themselves.  

People do not need others to analyze them, unless they are in therapy.  Leave that to therapists.

Because of the hotline I have gotten very sensitive to other people deciding to analyze and problem-solve my life if I express upset, or stupid assvice comments that are just very dismissive and invalidating. None of it is a good way to respond to people. People trying to "fix" others are generally talking out of their clueless asses, and it's very dismissive. That's not what people need.

*******

I am off work tomorrow and Friday.

Daya is not home, tomorrow was going to be Pebbles' last day in this life, but it won't be.

I don't think she's ready yet and I have to wait for Daya anyhow.

I do think it is just a matter of time though.

I think tomorrow morning might require an early morning paddle and maybe a swim in the river.

Maybe the river will take my feelings out with the tide.

Trash Boat & Remote Working Perks

It's hot.

Yesterday I went to the office for the good air conditioning.

This morning I had to edit some scripts, so I didn't need my big monitors for video editing.

I wasn't going to stay at home, so I went down to the boathouse to work from there and get an early morning paddle in.

I got there a little later than anticipated, about 7:45.... so I did my work and then went on the water for a bit, before I had to be on a call. The plan was to go to the office after my meeting because I knew my audio would come in and I would have editing work.

Bitz also came with her dog to work from the boathouse.

It looks like my grape kool-aid is working, the dock has no goose shit on it!

There was a lot of trash in the embayment and I removed it... people are so awful with their plastic plastic plastic plastic everywhere trash. I hate plastic!

I found a Croc for the dog (she loves it) and a weird handmade wooden spoon thing which I am keeping.

It needs to go in the dishwasher..........

The Croc holds up well to a destructive pup.....

Someone is tired.....

The boathouse is about a 15 minute walk from the office.

I walked over in the heat.

The elevator told me it was 99 degrees.

I got a lot of work done then went home.

The mayor primary is today and I did vote.

Fuck Cuomo, we don't need him, I hope he doesn't get on the ballot.

Attempted Beautification

Today is Fathers Day which is sitting heavy with me this year.

All the stuff with my mother is dredging up a lot of old feelings, all with family and loss etc.

It is overcast and spitting rain outside but I need to keep busy, so down to the boathouse I went to stay all day.

It was cold and although the public program stayed open, it was slow.

I didn't do much with that though, because today my work was inside the boathouse.

I put a second coat of paint on the shower floor (Bitz did the first coat):

And then it was time to do the bathroom, which has been disgusting for a long time.

Today was exactly the kind of day to do the boathouse bathroom floor.

I washed and sanitized it and wouldn't let anyone in:

I had to get between the toilet and the wall twice- once to tape and once to paint.

I'll have to do it again for the second coat next week....

Definitely a small person has to do it, it's a tight space.

Also, several of the men at the boathouse have horrible bathroom etiquette... seriously, it's bad and gross.

I don't know how men reach adulthood without basic bathroom manners...... it's just so gross.

The first coat.... so much better!!

It was, of course, raining when I left to go home.

The Rain Will Never Stop

Rain all day.

ALL DAY.

I need to move to a different planet or something, this is just dreadful.

The only thing getting me out today is the hotline.... which actually is a good thing.

Oh my god all this rain......

I can't.