Labral Tear

 After doing physical therapy for 5 weeks, Daya had a follow-up appointment with the doctor.

She has what the doctor thinks is a labral tear.
They don't heal.

It's very common with dancers and they just have to mange the pain.
Some days will be worse than others.
Daya is very young to have a chronic pain injury.

X-rays are normal, so immediately after Daya returns from Chicago, she will get her third MRI to confirm the diagnosis.

I saw this sign on the train home:

Why yes, Yes I do know!

MEDICAL COPAYS.

$864 in the last 5 weeks.

I returned home, logged into work, and Isis helped me get through the work day.

Triborough Floating

I was planning on painting today but I woke up feeling slow and unmotivated.
Then I thought I should at least make an effort, so I packed my gear and walked out the door.

I was thinking to go downtown to the Brooklyn Bridge again and just find what I could find.

Now, I have walked over the Brooklyn Bridge many, many times since the mid 1990s.... but I haven't done it since before Covid.

And...

what the heck.

WHY are there tourist-garbage vendors lining the bridge on BOTH sides?  REALLY?  People need to buy a $1 magnet because they walked the Brooklyn Bridge?

It is TACKY and UGLY and junky and why ruin the amazing Brooklyn ridge like that?  I have never seen this before that I recall. Maybe there were a few (??) but I just don't remember this.  It's really obnoxious.

Bridge pics which avoid the vendors:

It was really, really hot and i knew no painting would happen.

I also didn't feel like walking to the train, so I took the ferry back to Manhattan.

The ferry ride is very cool and it takes about 2 minutes.

Back in Lower Manhattan, I felt fog-headed from the heat and floated around, mostly making my way towards the train. If you need to float around while feeling fog-headed, NYC is a great place to be.

Before Times Square, I worked in Lower Manhattan for years.
100 Wall, 55 Water, and here at 125 Maiden Lane.
This is where I worked when I was pregnant with Daya.
I forgot what floor. 9 maybe? It's amazing, those daily ritual things we forget.

And now I (sort-of??) am working back in Lower Manhattan.
Here is the current office, the tall silver-looking tower in the middle of this picture.  It is all the way n the top 3 floors- 56, 57, and 58.

It is not worth going in, so I don't.

Saturday Evening Dance

Today I ended up spending time with my friend Sharon. I am feeling better.

I wouldn't say I have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are very high quality people.  Sharon in particular is a very high-quality person.  She's just a... really good person. And she's a good parent.
Her daughter will be in 9th grade next year and she got into LaGuardia Dance! I'm so happy and excited for them!

Anyhow Sharon knew about the therapy session and that I was ok but just a little off and just processing.
So I went to her place in the afternoon and we talked for a long time.  It gives me good perspective, especially from another (good) parent.

And Sharon is right when she ways I should not feel guilty, and that I have done everything I could have for the benefit of my child.  She understands that visceral mom-feeling because that's also how she feels about her own daughter.  I'm pretty normal as far as moms go.

It helps me to not judge myself by my teenager's standards.

We sat around and chatted for a while, then went to the Jamaica Dance Festival. Earl Mosley's company was in it and they were THE BEST ONES. (He's her modern teacher at Manhattan Youth Ballet)

It was fun and I felt a lot better afterwards. Not completely- this just has to move through me- but I do feel a lot better.

Saturday Bloggy Things

I'm really having a hard time this month.
Some of it is personal and some of it is..... current events.

Yesterday was a hard day.

It's all very intense and my energy is very off and I am trying to keep in balance but I feel so crappy.

Last night Daya and I had a family session with her therapist, who is very good.
It was a good session, he moderated and structured it very well and it was insightful but there are things Daya feels that I just DO NOT understand.

I don't understand how her mind works when it comes to processing emotion. She interprets things in a way that is very unexpected to me and is not what I intend when I speak to her. And I seem to always say the wrong thing no matter how I think I'm saying the right thing, or trying to.

Like all my good intentions are just paving the road to hell.

Daya describes herself as a very logical thinker, and I am a very spatial/creative thinker.
I am very extremely spiritual (non-religious) and Daya is not. (Which is fine by me. I do not impose my belief system on her or anyone.)

Therapist (E) described the way I think as spaghetti (I am TOTALLY spaghetti!!) and Daya as a waffle.

Daya's logical world has kept her safe, and my spatial illogical world has kept me safe.

We are both completely exhausted but she is numb emotionally and I am not.
(I am feeling EVERYTHING.)

My main issue with Daya is that she treats me with pretty intense disrespect and I have to put up with it for now, but I don't when she turns 18 and will not.

Daya wants to leave home... six years ago and be on her own.
She's done with me.

She feels smothered but I do not have any idea how to give her more space, privacy, and independence without it being illegal.

I don't want her to suffer like I did (I believe some hardship is necessary but some of it is just unproductive) and she said it's her choice.
I think she doesn't understand what cutting those support strings really looks like.

There is serious discussion about her being ADHD.

I am in and have been in a completely impossible situation as a parent, there is no way either of us can come out unscathed from it. But mostly I feel condemned for everything Daya thinks is/was fucked up and from my end I feel gutted my child has been hurt but I DO NOT KNOW what I could have done differently.  I truly feel I have done the best I could with the knowledge and resources I have had. And I think because of that, Daya doesn't think any apologies I make about mistakes I have made are genuine.

I really truly do not know what I could have done differently regarding the things she says have hurt her.

I'm in completely way over my head and it's all very sad and I really want a good relationship with my kid, but she wants OUT and literally nothing to do with me.

When E asked Daya "Do you love your mom" she couldn't really answer the question.  She said she doesn't understand what family love is and she doesn't know.  She doesn't really feel anything.

When E asked me if I love Daya it's a no-brainer yes, I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love my child.  It is intense and visceral and goes beyond my body.

It was a 2 hour session and I feel very overwhelmed and raw... there was a lot more but I'm at the point where it's too much and stuff starts falling out of my brain.

I do feel like a huge failure, I do feel like the best of my efforts and intentions only amount to shit.
I think my mother would rejoice at my parental difficulties and I hear her voice in my head laughing at me, saying it's her revenge and I deserve to suffer.

I am not painting today.
I need an easy gentle day, I'm just very raw.
Later I will go spend time with a friend, which is a good way to spend today.

Solstice

I had a pretty busy day at work today and didn't realize until right now that it is the summer solstice!

Days start getting shorter after today.
The year is half done.
It's been a weird one.

Daya leaves for Chicago in 2 weeks.

Then she starts her Senior year, and this upcoming year is a year of lasts.... it's already starting to hit me.

Amazing Medieval Hedgehog

Monday was a day off in observation of Juneteenth.
Kedrin was off too.
She hasn't painted in a while so we thought it would be fun to paint together.

But Kedrin spent all day Saturday taking apart oak palettes to add to her reclaimed wood collection, and today she was still very sore.
So she said come over, we can paint here!

That was fine with me.

I brought 4 perfectly ripe avocados because Kedrin makes amazing guacamole.

We sat on the couch and chatted about all kinds of things, including this amazing medeival hedgehog phone case she must get:

This is amazing!

We both felt too lazy to paint, in the same way it was hard to get up from the couch. 
So we ate guacamole and chips and talked for 6 hours and it was a lovely afternoon.

Crazy Wind at the Boathouse

I was down at the boathouse volunteering for most of the day.
Again, the wind was INSANE. And also- again- not stated in the forecast.

Normally the last boats go out at 4:30 but we closed at 3.
I did not go on the water, no way.

There were a few rescues but no one flipped over.

Bitz was on patrol keeping everyone safe. (green boat)