Monday Composition

I like the instructed drawing sessions on Mondays, but I think I also might need to cut costs and they are making my weekly drawing more expensive.

But I don't know, what's the balance of doing something important for myself that I think I mentally need?

We talked about composition today, it was an ok session, nothing really new for me but still thought-provoking as always.

We started with thumbnails and some basic composition guidelines.
A lot of people never do study composition- I have and still do, so none of the approaches were new to me. But I like the community and just having something to go to.

After thumbnails we did a longer version.

Leaving August

The Longest Month (perceptually), my least favorite month- is over after today.

I am happy to see September arrive.

******
School starts September 10th.
Daya will go in twice a week for dance only, everything else will be remote.

I really dislike all the remote learning but at least she can get out twice a week so it's something.

She just finished a three week intensive at Manhattan Youth Ballet, that was something at least.
Ailey is not taking new year-round students and is only running Junior Division for the three highest levels- which Daya would be in. I emailed asking if they had space and they said contact them after September 9th.

Daya has inquired about scholarship opportunities at Manhattan Youth Ballet.
Otherwise, I don't know how she'll train outside of school.

******
Of course this year has been drastic from a change perspective on a global level.
But we have seen some major changes here at home, too.

*Daya has all new bedroom furniture now, except a desk.
She's still miserable though. She's got to learn how to be happy.

*My studio is completely reorganized.
While still not completely done, it is so massively better than it was and I'm very glad about the improvements.

*The housework schedule! I freaking love it!  Not sure Daya does, but she is complying.

******
I'm still stuck working from home until at least January.
What a strange weird time, it drags on and races by simultaneously.

******
The card I drew today, not even joking, it is freaky spot-on:

...while I was listening to this video, which is exactly what I need right now.

I mean, it cannot get any more specifically helpful than this. Freeeeeaaaaky but also wonderful.

*******
I have had a great need lately to speak and write about Where I Am with Hard Things but I'm thinking maybe I should stop, although sometimes it really does help me clarify, so I don't know. 

Maybe the key is am I looking for clarity or do I just want to complain? Honestly one of the reasons I write these posts is for inner clarification. It's also so I don't completely forget my life! There are gaps in my blog where I wish I wrote more, but oh well.

Yesterday I started my morning meditations again and I really need to structure my days with it again.
Back in 2006, which was perhaps the most difficult year of my life, I got through by meditating first thing in the morning and last thing before going to sleep.

I'm kind of feeling like I'm drowning in a bad storm and I need to find my calm lifeboat.

Friday Oils

Here's another 1 hour oil portrait..... it's hard working so fast.
I'm not sure how far I can take these but I'll explore for a while.

I might try pre-mixing the palette and maybe also working with individual brush strokes... there's a practice thing some people do with counting brush strokes, they do something like a 125 brush stroke painting. I'm sure I'd lose count though. I guess I'll see where it goes.

Still using Zorn palette.

The model is Lisa Marie Cook, she is a wonderful musician and she also played several songs for us.

Rosa Parks

Leah gave us quite the challenge tonight- eyeglasses and a smile on a 3/4 portrait we are slightly looking up at.
Geez and wow, it was very difficult.

I know this is a bit off but....
Rosa Parks has such a great smile it felt great to draw her.
Whenever I do a portrait I always feel the person is there with me, and I think Ms Park was definitely present with her amazing energy and grace. Even writing this, I still feel her.

Graphite on Strathmore 400, a little less than 2 hours.

Not My Favorite Wednesday

Pebbles is really awful in the morning, I just want to sleep a few more minutes and she is just relentless.  It is maddening.

I pushed her away- again- and she did this.
Yes it hurts.

This lovely electric bill came in the mail.
I cannot even.
My bill around now should be around $155.
Like it was last month.

I just want to go in a cave somewhere and cry and.... stay there forever.

Apparently this is an *adjusted* bill since February.
Apparently Con Edison thinks the NORMAL bills they have been charging me were incorrect.

*******
Well I did paint in life drawing tonight, one hour, 8x10 oil, Abigail.
I still need tons of practice but I'm getting more coordinated.

******
And also someone posted this and it is perfect and true:

Drawing Self-Portrait

We did self-portraits tonight.

I was hesitant at first, although self-portraits have been in the back of my mind for a little while now, because Beth did them in her class.
(She also did a really fantastic self-portrait.)

But they are difficult and personal.
It is the most intense way to face yourself.

I liked the discussion around it from an artist viewpoint.

This is not meant to be a "pretty" self portrait, nor is it supposed to be a likeness documentation.
It's not about that.
It was about an hour and a half of drawing.

Simon had really, really nice things to say about my drawing.
He said it's also an artist's portrait and he drew composition comparisons to music.  That was really nice to hear.

From my viewpoint, this was a tough self-portrait not from a composition standpoint, but from struggling with vision! I have trouble holding my eyes still enough to look at myself at the right angle!

I left my right eye blank intentionally for two reasons- one reason is it is an artistic style thing that is somewhat common to build one eye up more than the other as a focal point.

The other is that I have so much trouble on-camera with my eyes- both seeing stuff and also my right eye doesn't behave.  This difficulty is such a huge thing I deal with over Zoom.

I could not do a self portrait like this without acknowledging that in a significant way.

Lazy Cats & Ramble

I haven;t posted cat pictures lately.
Here are Isis and Furball being very lazy.
Pebbles was somewhere else.

*********
I have mentioned before that Daya and I have a big communication gap when it comes to conflict and disagreement.
I also think she has a massive sense of entitlement.

I needed some perspective so I asked K Daya's big sister through BBBS.
She does not have kids and is much younger but I still value what she has to say.
I wanted to ask her about the medical stuff.  In her view I need to do it. Ok, fine.

We spoke about teen entitlement and I also did some reading on it.
She told me from her perspective it's partly because I'm trying to make up for things Daya doesn't have- lack of a father, lack of family, and that I feel guilty so Daya picks up on it and feels entitled.

But the thing is... I don't feel guilty.
I feel sad, yes, but I do not feel guilty.
K said you can feel guilty without having done something wrong... but guilt is the wrong word.
It's sad. I know how I feel.

And I have of course tried to institute things to make up for these missing structures- who wouldn't?
But I can and also have said no to her many times. I do regularly tell her to pay for things she wants with her own money. (Which she hates!)

I could not turn dance on and off either- people don't get that.
It's a yearly commitment, you can't just remove it. Daya's old studio specifically asked parents not to withhold dance as punishment and they were right about that- it affects everyone.  So people can think what they want; they haven't lived it. It's so very different when you live it rather than just observing it.

I don't think Daya is entitled because I have overindulged her with things to make up for lack of people. K thinks I have, and when I disagreed she said "I'm going to call you out on that."

I've heard that phrase before, it comes from psychotherapy but I don't like it. In fact I resent it, because it's someone telling you they know more about you than you know about yourself and they're going to tell you better.

No one has any business "calling you out" on anything, because while they can have their own observations they cannot tell you how you feel.  It's condescending.  I know she didn't mean it like that and she's going on what she knows from her own self-awareness, but I seriously dislike this phrase and the (unintended) attitude behind it.

I dislike other people defining me.
I'm too self-aware for that.

I don't need any "calling out".

NO ONE else has had to walk my path.
There are so many things that people who have not had a kid really do not get.

ANYONE in my situation would feel sad about it, that's NORMAL.
What's wrong with doing everything you can to give your kid a good childhood?
Daya has a fantastic work ethic, she does work very hard.

People with far more resources have way worse issues with their kids than I have.

My friend's daughter basically told me everything Daya is doing is just totally normal for the age, and I think that's a much more accurate perspective. Another friend with a daughter Daya's age has the same issues.

Perfection doesn't exist, it's too subjective, and all parents screw up in some ways but I don't like overlays of analysis- people have seen situations before and know about them, so they re-apply it because that's the analysis they have learned.

At the end of the day I have to know myself and what feels right.  K's analysis, however well-meaning, just doesn't feel right to me.

Maybe others will disagree but I have to stay with my gut instinct on this one.
Parenting is really freaking hard and you just don't know until you're in it.
And none of us really knows how to do it- we just do the best we can with whatever resources and knowledge we have at the time.  We have to be gentle on ourselves and each other.

My friend's daughter has grown into a fantastic woman, she's also a mom, and we all had dinner tonight and it was such a good time.  It gives me good hope for my future days with Daya, getting over the rocky teenage and early 20s and settling into a good friendship.

Saturday Schlep

Daya's job as my personal organizer continues.... I got a bunch of very nice bins for my studio shelving.  She had dance and the plan was to meet her after, then go pick up my bins.

I decided to go for a nice long walk over the bridge and across Manhattan.

Here is Gapstow Bridge from Central Park South:

Daya was here:

I might have not thought through transporting the bins properly........
But there were two of us so we made it work... she's got 2 large bags tied to her on the bottom! I also carried a couple of bags and another bin.

Every New Yorker has done this kind of schlep on the trains at some point.
I have done it many times! People have all kinds of stuff on the trains.

My studio is progressing.......

Half Housework

Drawing was cancelled tonight!
Oh well.

Daya had dance in the city.
While she was in dance I instituted a new housework system....

We alternate with cat litter but she will ask me if I did it on my days- I don't like that, I'm not accountable to her like that. (And yes, I do it.) I pay all the bills and do pretty much all the work as it is.

I haven't been on a set housework schedule.... ever.  I just do it when it needs doing.
There have been a lot of reasons for this and they are valid reasons, but now we are in different times.

I'm now doing 100% of the housework and Daya should be contributing in a meaningful way.
It's time.

So now I have charts.
I should have done it in Excel but I still need to fix my printer.
We're going half and half now.
This will be great on all levels- Daya will learn how to do it and to live with others when she is out on her own, she is accountable to contribute to the household in a more balanced way than just benefiting from the resources, and I'll have less to do.

One Hour Oils

Tonight's model was Kayla with a Bavarian theme.
I have been doing so much graphite lately, which I love, but it's good to mix things up a bit.

When I was in college I liked using china markers, and I have a bunch so I figured why not.

They are softer than I remember which I don't like, not even sharpened.  I think maybe they are better for larger work.  These are the 2 7 minute poses.

For the 20 minute I switched over to a graphitint pencil which I usually like but this is an awkward drawing.

What I really wanted to do tonight was see if I could get a painting done in an hour.

This is a re-used 8x10, Zorn palette. (I love the Zorn palette!)

While this painting has issues, it's better than the one I did last week, and for one hour on something I'm not good at, I was pleased.  The time limit is really difficult but good in that it forces efficiency.
It's a sketch, it's very difficult to do in that time, and I want to get better.

One Hour Oils

I oil-primed a bunch of old panels the other day to re-use for these studies.  I did fight with the surface a lot, it was very absorbent for some reason. Not what I would expect from oil primed.
It's possible I oil primed an old clayboard, those are awful for oils.

Friday I'll try again on a re-used oil primed panel, it shouldn't eat the oil like this panel did... makes it hard to move the paint around. If my Friday panel does that. I'll know it's the Gamblin oil primer.

Ugly Parent Post

One of the things I find most difficult about parenting is the loss of control over personal finances.

I mean, I get into a swamp of resentment over it and I know that's not healthy or good.

This is where I have probably turned into my own father.

It's very difficult to know where to strike the balance in some circumstances- and others are no-brainer yes or no.

Daya has been having bad back pain.  She has been going to the chiropractor twice a week for just over a month.  They do physical therapy, spine adjustment, electro stimulus, and an infrared pain treatment as well.  The office is great and so is the care she is getting.
She also got a nerve test, x-rays, and an mri.

The diagnosis?
All normal, it's muscle pain.

So on one hand I'm super glad because- even though she has pain- there's nothing actually wrong with her.

On the other hand, I'm already $560 in for copays and still have to pay for the mri and more dr visits.
Dr is saying let's try 10 more visits and that's $400.

So I really want it to stop.
I need it to stop.
I have mentioned to Daya that this needs an end date, and of course she got very upset, saying she needs this, her dancing depends on it..... but what I am not really able to get is a concrete answer of how much it is helping. Even the dr said he expected more improvement especially for someone her age.

Daya clings to problems- if they aren't 100% gone she doesn't want to admit they are improving.
I know she has pain. I don't want her to be in pain.  But what can she do at home? How can I start minimizing the financial impact?

It sucks that everything comes down to money but it really does.
This is where I need another adult to help with decisions!! Or advice or something.

I CANNOT CATCH MY FINANCIAL BREATH EVER.
It's always something, it always falls on me. All of it.
I'm feeling crushed under the weight of it all.

I'm always being pulled at and tugged at to give this, provide that and it seems to be to my own detriment. I work and it's just all gone. On a personal level I have a very low quality of life in an physical sense and there just has to be more than this, or a better way. Or something just has to give.

And Daya's not very nice to me, so that makes me resent it all even more.
She also thinks she gets to make the decisions.
Daya likes to loudly proclaim that she's having such a difficult time with me- but I'm also having a very difficult time with her!

I need a break from everything.

Monday Drawing

We did something a little different tonight.
Simon did an instructed class, no model.

Instead we found a simple object around our home and started with a 7 minute contour drawing.

Then for the rest of the session we drew the environment around the object in a way that it defined the object without us actually drawing the object.

I re-did my contour for the full drawing.

It was fun, once I got into it I found it to be relaxing.

Graphite.

Zoo Sunday

WE went to the Bronx Zoo with Daya's friend and her mom.
It was a very nice time.

Here we are on the bug carousel! So many rides on here through the years!

The blue bug was always Daya's favorite bug.

Friday

We drew Lesli tonight.

Here is a 20 minute graphite.

For the 1 hour pose I decided to do an oil sketch.

I need so much practice with this, it's very difficult to do in an hour and I'm not very good at it.

11 Minute MRI

Daya had her second MRI tonight, for her lower back.

The last time she had an MRI it took a while- probably 45 minutes.
And the room was freezing cold.

Online searches said a lower back scan can take 30 mins to an hour.

So I went prepared with no-metal art supplies- my gouache sketchbook and some pastels.
And also a warm hoodie.

The scan took..... 11 minutes.
The room was not cold.
I used all the 11 minutes for this quick sketch.

Right before we left I primed the page with Colourfix primer, and I don't know if it was the speed at which I was working or what, but I wish I had left the paper smooth.

Vacation Wednesday

Drawing is back, here is  the 1 hour pose from tonight. Tasha, charcoal on Mi-Tientes.

*******
My studio cleanout is progressing well, I'm getting rid of a lot of junk with still more to go.
It's been a lot of work and I just want it to be done.

******
I have been feeling emotionally weird this week and I can't quite place it.
On Sunday Daya and I had a.... not sure if disagreement is the word, she did that thing she does when she spews all her anger and unhappiness at me and everything is all my fault and it is very extreme emotional drama.  It hurts and I'm beyond exhausted with it. 

We don't communicate well through conflict because there is too big a gap in our perspective, and she just gets so upset and firmly entrenched in her mindset there's nothing to do. Also, she thinks she knows everything.  It's a massive emotional tantrum from my perspective, they have been going on since elementary school (I used to call them sulky fits) and nothing has really worked to get her to- well, grow up a little.  The irony is every single thing she says is wrong with me is a very well-articulated description of my frustrations with her. The way she describes me is exactly how I would describe her.

I think, no I know- this generation of kids in particular kids has very low emotional intelligence and terrible mental health. Even Daya agrees with that.

It's like what they see on social media and tv shows full of dysfunctional, miserable, unhappy, and disrespectful people- is how they are leaning to interpret emotions and communicate.  It's really bad. (There are many shows on Netflix I tried to watch and can't because the adults are such disgusting morons, and the kids laugh at them. No wonder our children think the way they do.)

She doesn't seem to have a scale of interpreting upset- she's either ok or if something bothers her, traumatized. No in-between.

She speaks to me as if we are two adults having an argument. She actually told me I don't pull my weight.  Well excuse the fuck out of me, I hold up the WHOLE ENTIRE WEIGHT of the household.
That's not a thing a kid should be saying to their parent. I am a good parent; I am present and responsible. She is cared for and taken care of. Just because I don't tell her what she wants to hear, or give her what she wants, doesn't mean I don't understand her or I'm not listening.  I can acknowledge what she is saying without agreeing with it, but she wants me to agree. Demands it.  And I won't.

She tells me she gets leftovers and scraps when the exact opposite is true- I couldn't believe she said that, not after within this past month alone I spent $1,350 on her dance intensive this month, she needed a new laptop ($500) and I just spent $200 on her hair! I have spent nothing close to that on myself this entire year at least! And if I am doing those things I can't do other things, I just can't, the money has to come from somewhere and it was already spent- on her! When I laid out those numbers she said I completely invalidated her feelings.

It's hard to feel so terribly treated- any other relationship that was like this I would (and have) existed- but you can't when it is your kid and also you still love them intensely, and also are under legal obligation to take care of them.

And the thing about her is when she's in a good emotional place, she's the most amazing person ever.
I love being around her. She's smart, goofy, and just a cool person.

But she gives me her worst while I give her my best. I know she's completely different around other people. She's different around her friend's family who she has known for all of 6 months.  And they have never had to put up with her bs, so everyone is happy and gets along and she compares that to me, and the failing is mine for home being different than her friend's place.

I used to be the Best Ever! now I'm lower than low and that is just so hard because I still think she is the Best Ever!- well, when she's in a good mood anyhow.

I want us to get along, I want harmony and peace, I don't like living with someone who is always in a bad mood (which is my fault by the way). It's such a strain and a drag, and it hurts so much.

******
Oh well anyhow.
Daya has a job I had to invent because she was such a brat about her room (which she doesn't see)- she has to help with the studio re-org and she has been doing a good job. So in payment I gave her half the stimulus check we got in April, and she has ordered new furniture for her room. It is win-win for both of us.

Now we are getting along and she's in a better mood.
Because this is what she does- she wants something, could be anything, and she is miserable and carries on until she gets what she wants. And she can and does pull this off long-term. That's why I couldn't just do it- well, there was also the issue of money.  I really couldn't do it financially earlier. And if she's going to demand $800- she's got to earn that. 

Honestly I am in agreement with doing her room, but her timing earlier in the year was horrible and I can't say yes to her when she acts like she was acting. I do not think she has learned anything or grown emotionally from this, but she has done a lot of work and will continue to do so in my space so it's something at least.

So even though we are ok now I still feel really weird.
Maybe it is being on vacation.
Maybe it is me being a little sad right now about missing her when she was younger and nicer, and the nice times we had, maybe it is 2020 in general, and also it is August which must be factored in.

Gouache and The Bronx Zoo

Jin and I went up to The Bronx Zoo to paint.

I was a little sad being there....even though I love the zoo....Daya has grown up there and I really miss those days of zoo outings with kids. I did appreciate them when I had them but I am sad they are gone.

Northern Pond:

No Drawing Monday

There was no figure drawing session tonight and it felt so weird and wrong.

I'm on vacation all week and I'm not allowed to check my work email.
So far I have been good.

Also we are in August double-digits already, so maybe it will go fast.

Sheep & Independent Thought.

Jin and I went to Central Park Zoo to paint.
The snow leopards were out, and they were hot. One was painting.

I felt extremely bad for them, bad enough that I had to look up info on them.
Although they are suited for very cold high-altitude, low oxygen conditions, they are ok in temperatures between -40 to 104 degrees F.

Our snow leopard friends have been in Central Park since 2009.
They are also New Yorkers.

We went to the children's zoo to paint.

Since it was shady by the sheep, we painted sheep.

There is a sign warning people that alpacas spit, but there were no alpacas present.

So everyone just assumed the sheep were alpacas.
Except the children who knew better.  Then the parents "corrected" the children and said "No they are alpacas."

They are not alpacas, they are sheep, it is such a basic thing everyone knows, but if there is a sign that says something people just believe the sign.

This is disturbing as it means people are not thinking independently for themselves, and they are passing along incorrect information to children who naturally know better.

These are sheep.
Except for the goat, who is also not an alpaca.

Painting, gouache in sketchbook.