3

Wow, I'm three years on the hotline now!

No one stays on the hotline for three years.... except me.

At the start of my three-year anniversary month last night, I was on shift.

It was very busy.

Trash River

Last night right after work I went down to the boathouse to paddle some laps.

Now I guess I can say I have been there this month.

I haven't been on the water for a while...... the river was trashy and windy and choppy.

The dock is trashy too- probably no one has been there since the storm this past weekend, and the river is still spewing up tons of trash and wood.

I put a couple lights on a Prowler and knocked out 12 laps in exactly 1 hour and 40 minutes- it's about 9 miles in distance. In that water especially, it's quite a workout. It was a tough paddle but my system needed it. And I wanted to make sure I can still do it. I still have the stamina and strength.
And I'm not sore.

Despite having been off the water for a while, and also not being as physically active lately as I normally am, I was fine.  The river suddenly calmed down considerably for my last three laps.

I also felt sorry for all the runners, like I always do, because I get to be on the water and that's so much better than running!

The water is quite warm right now too, as is expected.

I appreciated the helpful signage in true boathouse fashion, though my cool drawing on the whiteboard got erased.

This is the nature of whiteboards, I suppose.

I think there are more than sharps on the dock right now, the north side is really bad.

29/9

September is coming to a close.

What a very strange month this has been.

Time is weird and shifty and everything feels strange, although everything in my life is fine- good even.

My daily routines are rumbling along, calm and steady and stable.

Just the way I like it.

*******

I have not been to the boathouse even once all month- because of the weather.

Except for Labor Day weekend, when I was out of town, it has rained every single weekend.

I'm feeling weirdly isolated, so have been making efforts to go out when available because I'm slightly out of balance. Especially now that after-work painting is done for a while.

There was a fun FiDi scavenger hunt after work last Thursday.

Sometimes I think it's good to be involved with work stuff... going to the office once a week or so isn't really enough for connecting with work colleagues. 

My team was the smallest, three people- because others didn't show up- but we still came in third.

Mostly because I know the area really well.

Kedrin and I went to the Cat Film Festival this past Saturday.

That was fun, too.

The Nor'easter didn't really hit hard anywhere but the coast.  It barely even rained.

******

But right now- and this started maybe a week ago- I entered into a personal season of grief.

I need to do this, it's time.

It's a time to let some deep internal things open up and release.

I have to sit with it and feel the feelings and let them move through me and out.

And it's a lot. It's pretty intense and exhausting.

It's going to take some time, and that's ok.

Since I'm still in the middle of it, I don't really know much more than that.

Everything is ok though.

*******

What I have learned is that when you reach a point in life- as I fortunately have- where everything is really stable, you have good safety and resources, and not too much daily life stress or obligation- your system will start purging and releasing things you just couldn't do before. 

And that makes a lot of sense.

I'm in a period where I have the space and stability to let those places open and stay open.

I have the inner strength and self-care to stay open and raw and just allow it.

It's such a strange feeling, a dissonance, to feel these things when everything is fine.

I have never felt these things before when everything was fine.

I'm also at a point in my life where I am so plugged in to my inner guidance and I'm getting the assistance I need to navigate this.

Because it's really a lot, it's going to take some time.

And that's ok. It's good, actually, and I'm honoring this process.

Things need to be released and cleared out.

There are things I need to make peace with...I'm not sure how to do that yet but I'll get there.

I absolutely have to release density and let something that was deeply important to me go.

It's tied to other stuff, I have discovered.

I need to deal with it.

I have known for a while this was coming but I just couldn't do it before now.

I'm deeply grateful that I have the life setup, peace, space, privacy, and guidance to help me with this.

It's my intention to come out of this changed, lighter. 

Able to proceed with things that have been blocked or unavailable for far too long.

New understandings.

Sometimes I want to see the changes of growth immediately, but that almost never happens.

Looking backwards through time though, I can see it and I'm very proud of myself.

********

We are living in an extraordinarily difficult time and it isn't over yet.

It is a time to know when to engage, when to pull back, and to hold steadfast to positive stable energy.

The lights are coming on and when that happens, you see all the stuff that was hidden before.

That's what is happening. It is very difficult to go through.

It's going as fast as it can, and that also is difficult.

To anyone who somehow happens upon this post, I wish you the strength to keep holding on, good self- care, and inner peace in the midst of deep disruption, instability, and chaos.

Remember there are really amazing people in this world who are doing good things.

I'm fortunate enough to know some of them.

It's not over yet, we have a ways to go, but it won't last forever.

Alizarin, Pretending

A few paintings ago at the wildlife refuge, I noticed my Michael Harding Alizarin was missing.

Not only is this a very nice and spendy tube of paint, it’s also very useful and I needed it.

I had to use a quinacridone red instead-  which isn't the same thing but I made it work. 

And I thought the tube surely must be home somewhere and i have to look. 

I did not look and again realized during that sky painting last night that I really am missing my MH alizarin. Puzzling. 

So i looked thru my bag of paint, tube by tube. Not there. 

There is a secondary bag of plein air paint in my studio, and i looked there too- tube by tube. 

Nothing. I looked on my messy drawing table. Nothing. 

The last time I know i had and used this tube was for the asters from BBG a week and a half ago.

Surely I did not….leave a tube of paint behind…..? That’s not like me at all, I’m always so careful and I practice “leave no trace”….. But where else could it be?

I was about to make a last- ditch effort and call BBG and see if maybe it ended up in the lost and found. 

More than anything, i was baffled at the disappearance.

Kind of like i am STILL baffled over that time years ago whem I lost my painting hat at BBG while painting Inari’s shrine. 

Is Inari messing with me again?

Well, before making this weird phone call I looked one last time- the 4th time- and there it was with the rest of my standard plein air palette, pretending to be white.

Whoa no wonder, I just thought it was my MH white every time i looked!

This pretending situation has now been fixed. Somehow I never saw or found that painted strip that sometimes comes off the tubes. 

Quick Sky

I wanted to paint tonight, and figured I'd have enough time if I stayed more local, so I walked over to Flushing Meadows.

The part of it that is walkable is a 25 minute walk, but it's a nice walk.

I did feel a lot of time pressure during this painting, but even I was surprised it only took an hour.

Lately I have been using some convenience mixes, and this in particular saves a lot of time- I can mix quickly. Also, I have not been using straight-up white as much anymore, and usually not until the end of the painting. I'm using variants of light greys and shifting the color. That way, I'm not going too light too quickly.

8x10 oil

I think I'm at a point where I need to do some quick studio practice to refine some things.

Well, that can start happening pretty soon.  It's getting dark early....

Luchetti & Franca & David

back in August when I painted Little Island at Francis' event, he had a raffle.

There were 2 Luchetti sketchbooks in the raffle.

I did not win them, or anything.

But I had never heard of Luchetti before and I was very intrigued.

It's a new company, and they are primarily designed for watercolor people, which I am not.

But their hot press version is good for mixed media.

If primed with GAC 100, it's fine for oil.

And the paper is thick enough that it would work for egg tempera.

I needed a Luchetti sketchbook.

Then the Via, the small travel-size one went on pre-order, and I got that too.
They are gorgeous books and I will love working in them.

I do have plans for these books... there are studio studies I want to do, but informally.

It is my goal to use these 2 books during the dark cold season for practice.

***********

Today I had nice brunch plans with Franca.

Then I dragged her to Blick, because I needed the GAC 100.

After Blick we went to Rizzoli so Franca could get her mom some books in Italian.

Her mom likes romance books.

I found a book called Lezioni di Chimica- Lessons in Chemistry- that I thought Franca's mom needed but Franca vetoed it. 

She got this book about being abandoned instead!'

(The Days of Abandonment)

*********

After visiting with Franca I went to Brooklyn because my painter friend David Nakabayashi was having an open studio and sale prices to clear space.

It was good to see David, it's been a while.

His wife Jenni and the dog Cholla were there too.

We're still talking about painting Times Square again.  

Also, right now David has an artist residency on Governor's Island, so we talked about painting there too.  I always like painting with David.

I got to visit one of my favorite friends, Transmission Elk.

And I adopted 2 paintings for a steep friend discount.

David's paintings are amazing. Now I have three- he gave me one years ago from an event we painted at together... an oil painting he did with a Sumi-e brush which is just ridiculous... but he made it work.

I think these 2 paintings were from a show he had a while back at Viridian Gallery.

They are unsold from 2021... well until now.

David Nakabayashi

Castle Williams & Angst

Today I wanted to paint and go to the boathouse after... I haven't been to the boathouse even once... ALL MONTH! It's been because of travelling and weather.

And I didn't make it to the boathouse today, either, because this painting on Governor's Island took forever.

8x10 oil

This painting took way too long and I got lost and confused in it. 

Start time 10:55am, end time 3:35pm. That's too long.

And I messed up the bottom at the end of the painting session.

People were being very annoying too, I had my airpods in which usually deters people but somehow everyone kept asking me for directions. Like they came right over, got ignored, and then just stood and waited until I stopped painting, paused my audio book, took out my airpods, and said something to them. And they KNEW they were disturbing me. They just didn't care. This happened 4-5 times. Not only that, but there was a parks volunteer answering questions nearby! And they still had to bug me!

And then there was the couple that parked themselves right behind me TWICE.

I was not standing in a "nice" area, so it was definitely deliberate.

Not only that, but there were other nearby much nicer places they could have gone.

I don't like the feeling of people camped out behind me watching me.

It's eerie and distracting and I can feel it.

My looks at them didn't work.

Would you like someone camped out behind you - watching you?

I hate it.

I always account for this when I set up, but wow they were persistent and I truly didn't expect anyone to sit where they were. It wasn't a nice place to sit at all. They were sitting in dirt.

I even moved my setup to take my panel out of their line of sight, but it put the panel in shadow and I had trouble seeing.

They eventually left and I moved back, right in front of them as they were leaving.

They saw.

And then a little while later they came back and did it again!

But this time I got smart and moved my whole entire setup back.

This is not about being self-conscious, I'm not.

It's about the energy, and when people are sitting watching I can really feel it.

It's extremely invasive and I can't get into my zone properly. 

I do keep a physical gear- barrier around me so people don't come too close- because they will- and even then I have to tell people to stay back. 

Well, I guess I wasn't in a people-y mood today.

If you see someone focused and working, just leave them alone!

Have a little respect!

*********

Three paintings I have done lately have been real struggles.

And they have taken a lot longer than they should.

I'm wondering why.

I don't know if it's because I'm growing and am feeling uncoordinated, or if- despite my motivation to paint which is currently excellent- my artistic engines need a short rest. I can't tell.

I always have a yearly goal of 50 plein air paintings for the year, and this is #43.

7 more to go, and I can do it, I can get to 50, but I have to prioritize it.

I lost a lot of time earlier this year because of the weather.

Now sunset is early.

The season is changing, I feel weird today in general.

It's also my long-disappeared sister's 50th birthday.

I don't know if she's even still alive or not.

Last After-Work Painting for 2026 Probably

Today was a bit of a crappy day- nothing serious, mostly something work-related that is an ongoing problem that is getting worse, but there's nothing I can do about it except to keep going.

But everything is, in a broad general sense, ok. I just had a slightly crappy day.

So, I figured I'd use the leftover paint from yesterday and get one more painting in after work.

Likely the last one for the year. Sunset was at 7:01pm, it's getting earlier and earlier.

There were some really great clouds at the wildlife refuge and I decided to make them my focus.

8x10 oil

It was so difficult and I had to remind myself of that.

Goal-wise the end result of this painting is a fail.

Almost the entire time I was painting I thought it was a wipe.

This is the third painting I consider to be a fail this year, and I was thinking about that while painting and I decided that's a good thing.

The reason I think this painting is a fail is because I did not get the design of the sky correct and established at the start. Not for lack of trying... it just wasn't coming together.

Clouds are difficult, the sky doesn't stay still, and especially right before sunset things just change a lot, quickly.

So- my values are correct but my design is not, but I really did learn SO much.

My layering is good, I'm working in a new way with values, and there is a stage in the beginning block-in that I need to specifically practice.

Like the aster painting- which I consider is about 80% "there", this painting paved a starting point for how to proceed.

I'm STILL post-mortem analysing the aster painting.  I know how to bring it farther next time, and what needs to be done, and a change on a beginning approach.

So, this cloud painting is in that category too.

I think it's about 40% there and again, I see the way forward.

Conceptually I know what I need to do next time, but executing it will require some practice.

So, it's about growth.

I have had a lot of painting growth this year and the difficulties I'm experiencing stem from that.

It's just a matter of coordination which is gained through practice.

I'll have to do some studio practice on this, and I also know exactly how to proceed with that.

It would be good to take these now-dark evenings to practice in preparation for more evening cloud paintings next year.

Jamaica Bay, Again

My after-work painting days for 2026 are numbered... sunset was at 7:02pm.

But that's still enough time to do a painting down at Jamaica Bay.

Here is tonight's effort.

I saw the composition as I was walking down the path to the water- but barely on the trail.

And the painting just kind of popped out at me.

They have been doing that a lot lately, which is kind of cool.

8x10 oil

Hour and a half... tight value control on this one.

Kiss My Aster

Today I felt like finding some flowers to paint.

So, I went to Brooklyn Botanic.

8x10 oil

These asters were REALLY talkative!

They had a lot to say about how they should be painted.

Like, in an excited way- and there were so many of them.... they were basically shouting helpful thoughts at me the whole time... which I greatly appreciated as I didn't actually know what I was doing.

It could also have been the helpful cadre of dead artists who I'm constantly begging for assistance... but the asters definitely had things to say as well.

*******

Floral plein air is tricky because you always have to arrange it and do 100% of the composition from scratch. Nature kind of sucks at arranging flowers well, for painters at least.

It's not like a full landscape, where you can take most of the composition from nature, use what's already there. Nope.

The layout:

Plus, I'm not a floral painter.

I haven't done a lot of them.

That means I have to problem-solve the unfamiliar, which slows me down.

This painting took FOUR HOURS!

I haven't spent that long on an 8x10 plein air for YEARS.

When I looked at the time, I was shocked!

I do feel like I was basically hand-held thru the whole thing though, which was nice.

What the asters said, in no particular order:

Less is more!

What you choose to leave out is just as important as what you choose to put in

The focal point is the star

If you really hate that section, wipe it off and start over!

Watch your intervals- no even spacing

Keep under-values dull and dark, build slowly through value and chroma

Shapes of color with texture instead of painstakingly marking every petal, which isn't fun and looks dumb anyhow

Definition in select petal edges

What is really important here?

What is another way to say this?

High chroma against greys

Don't freak out because you don't have to paint all those small flowers, you'd better not actually

Indicate!

Lights on the outer petal tips

Negative space sculpting

Keep brushwork nice and controlled, intentional

Smooth those sharp edges!

Be careful of overstating!

There was probably more.

It all came at me fast, at the same time, and constantly.

I need a lot of practice!

I got such a good download from this painting.

That's been happening nicely lately. Edge transitions with hue/value changes, stuff like that.

Exact color match:

Hiding from Sept 11 Stuff

I am hiding from the world today.

It's the 25th anniversary of 9/11, and I want nothing to do with any of it.

MAYBE...maybe... if I feel like it, I'll paint over at Jamaica Bay tonight but I'm not sure.

Last year on Sept 11 I had such a bad and unexpected PTSD attack, and I just want to lay low this year and stay away from all of it, including social media and the news.

I'm feeling ok but also strongly feeling the need to tune everything out.

I can't believe it has been a year since last year already.

Ok I know that statement sounds dumb but I feel like last year 9/11 was ... yesterday.

So, maybe I'll go out and paint later, we'll see.

Small Weird Fish & The Bonkers Day

I have a crazy couple of days at work because of a rather chaotic live event I was called in to support.

And by chaos I mean CHAOS.

Well, I'm not involved with the chaos, thankfully.

My involvement meant I had to be in the office at 8am.

The commute is about an hour and 20 mins.

This was especially fun because I was on the hotline last night and the trains were messed up coming home, so I didn't get to bed until almost 1am for a 5:15 wake up.

Also, I got the best present ever for Daya upstate!

She also needed a few grocery items, so I put together a nice care package for her.

The plan was to stop over at Juilliard after work.

I packed everything and was very mentally organized, because being prepared is one of my superpowers.

I was SO prepared!

AND I left right on time!

*********

As the 5 train pulled out of Grand Central, I realized I FORGOT MY LAPTOP BAG.

My work phone was in there too, because of course it was.

Wow.

I have never done THAT before!
It was the weight of Daya's care package.

That's why I didn't register something was missing.

Usually when I forget something important, I notice right when I get outside.

But the physical weight of everything felt right so I just didn't notice.

Well, there was nothing to do except complete my trip to the office, tell my manager that I f'd up, and go home and retrieve my laptop bag.

I said to my manager, I f'd up.

And he didn't even care... he said don't worry about it, go home and get your laptop and don't stress or rush. Wow, it wasn't a big deal at all!

Ironically, if I had put my work phone in my regular bag, I could have just used that and not had to leave.  So I left and came back and all was well. I was back by 10am.

Timothy was in from LA to help with the event.
I told him I forgot my laptop and he just started laughing.

*******

So, I got Daya the best present ever.

She likes stuffed animals and has several in her dorm room.

I saw this plushie rainbow trout and knew she had to have it.

There was a larger one too, but I couldn't fit it in my pack, so I got the small one.

I call it Small Weird Fish.

Since I brought it to work, I showed my colleagues- including my manager and Tinothy, who also collects stuffed animals.

The unanimous professional consensus is that the fish is "F*cking Awesome" and "Epic".

Timothy and I took a selfie with the fish.

Daya likes the fish.

Name is pending.

39 Panels

I'm working from home today and it is also a recovery day from the weekend.

And I have 39 panels I could tone...

I don't always tone panels, I'm fine painting on white, but if I get around to batch-toning I'll do it.

I like toning panels in natural earths, spread in a physically thin layer on the panel... no solvent unless absolutely necessary.

So, I got out several tubes of Rublev natural earths and some of those Maimeri d'Italia paints from forever ago...also natural earths.  They are seriously perfect for beautiful toned panels.

My new size 16 Rosemary Ultimate brush is officially my new favorite panel-toning brush! You can scrub and scrub with the Ultimates and they don't even notice!

I toned 39 panels in various natural earths and laid them to dry on Daya's floor.

(I think this is a good use of her room!)

This should keep me stocked probably until next Memorial Day.

This brush is amazing... it's also fun to just... carry around!

Rosemary brushes are actual magic wands!

Angry Cats & The Jerrys Box

I'm home.
The Amtrak ride was a little over 8 hours, longer than the ride up.

It's because I took a different Amtrak line.  I took the Maple Leaf line up, which goes to Toronto.

Coming back I was on the train that starts at Chicago and physically splits into 2 trains at Albany.

The half of the train going to Boston left first, and the NYC people had a long layover in Albany.

But although it was long, it was probably the most comfortable Amtrak journey I have ever had!

After Syracuse- an hour into the trip- I had 2 seats to myself for the entire ride!

******

Last Thursday, one day before I left for Rochester, I did a refill order of panels and a few other things from Jerrys.

Free shipping, 5-7 business days.

Perfect.

It arrived Saturday late morning.....!!!!!! What??

So, my box was sitting for a couple of days...I was mildly concerned about it, but it was fine.
Thankfully!

All of this is plein air refills.

I ordered 30 panels and I have 9 remaining.

That's kind of funny because that sunflower plein air was #39 for 2026!

****

My cats are upset with me.

I dreamed about them on my second night away.

I was gone one more night than probably I should have been, plus four full days, but I need to live and not be completely cat-trapped.

This trip was my fifth trip away this summer.

Five trips since June... that's a lot! 

It has all been good, but I need a break from multi-night trips for a little while.

I think my head needs a break too.

So, now that Labor Day is over, the summer is informally over.

I have to work Fridays now!

My mindset will switch to Fall, and I'm not really ready yet.

Summer went by so fast.

It has been a wonderful summer and a disappointing summer all at the same time.

I guess that's life sometimes.

Painting Sunflowers & Dave's Boat on Lake Keuka

Teresa has a friend who has a cottage from the 1800s on Lake Keuka, which is one of the finger lakes.
It's about an hour and a half south of Rochester, in Amish country.

On the way down we stopped at a local general store, where I found an amazing present for Daya- more on that in another post.

Teresa's friend Carol has land and a stunning garden.

She's a landscape architect and knows everything about plants, it's amazing!

Well except stapeliads, so I told her all about them and showed her pictures!

I painted the sunflowers in her garden.

Here's a fun thing: a couple of days ago I saw a plein air p[ainting of sunflowers that I really liked and I thought to myself, I'd like to paint sunflowers en plein air... and here they were!

I have not painted sunflowers on-location before and mostly I didn't know what I was doing but it came out pretty ok, I think.

I definitely need more practice!

8x10 oil

Some pictures from Carol's garden:

Then we went on Dave's motorboat for a ride on the lake.

The water was turquoise, it really was!!!

I could paint up here every day for a year and still not paint everything I see that should be painted!