Gouache and God

Gouache
I need to sketch more, and paint more from life. While I am very portable in oil and pastel,  the tiniest and most portable setup is a watercolor/gouache setup. A few years ago Sid sent me a cigar box that was adjusted into the same oils setup Abby Ryan uses.  It is not a true pochade setup, it is more for tabletop painting or holding in your lap.  The box is little, 5x7.  But I thought- even though I'm not really into watercolors and gouache- they are great for sketchbook practice.  So I stuck a few brushes in, plus some gouache and my travel watercolor set (which fits perfectly) and gave it a test run last night.

I'm happy with the results and it was fun to do.  45 mins.

God

Life messed with me so badly I actually cried a little this morning.

Ailey.

Competition.

I just got the schedule this morning after I got to work.

As it turns out, the Won't- Happen Act of God happened... and all 4 of Daya's competition dances are on Sat Feb 9.

Which means she has nothing going on Sun Feb 10.

Which is the day of the NYC Ailey audition.

All that Philly/sprained ankle stuff...............

I promised Daya that if the Act of God happened (which I assured her it would not), I would ask Ailey if she can re-audition.

I hope they say yes.  I don't know if I should have just signed her up, or if emailing was the right thing to do since she is on their paperwork already for this year.

But I'm really glad I got to see Carey in Philly and go to prison together.

Which reminds me I should post my sketch of cell block 2.

UPDATE: Ms Victoria texted me saying since Daya is free on Feb 10 is it too late to register her for the audition.... so I didn't wait to hear from Ailey, I just did it.  If Ms Victoria thinks it is fine, that's good enough for me.

Train Conversation

Daya and I were on the train.
She was doing homework.  Writing.  An essay. Long.  Very nice and neat.

She: I'm done! I wrote a lot, much more than I had to. But I had a lot of thoughts to write about.
Me: (thinking it was on a book or something) What were you thinking about?
She: Cardiovascular disease.
Me: ...... I was not expecting that.

Long Monday Rambling

This week will see the end of January.
Thank goodness.

I know it's not good to rush time, life is short, but this time is really like wading through mucky mud.  Cold mucky mud.

I'm making a massive effort to keep moving.  For me and Daya. It is exhausting.

I hate not having people.  So maybe I have mentioned I'm making serious efforts to find people, which is slow-going.  And logistics are hard.  For example I'm free Monday nights now, and there are a few events I could go to but they start later- like around 7pm.  So while I can do that, it gets me home very late and I still need to be present for Daya.  I can't really get home after 10pm on a school night.

So I'll just keep looking.

There are a few people I have met over the past few months that have wanted to go plein airing together.  I'm absolutely up for that.  But I never hear from anyone.  I did meet a lady in the painting class who wanted my info, so maybe that will work out.  It would be nice.

Finding friends takes a lot more than just meeting someone and having similar interests.  There has to be life overlap, and if it is unplanned the better.  That's why it was so easy to have friends when Daya was in elementary school.

My people-problem isn't unique at all but solving it takes seriously massive effort, some of which I can't do because of needing to be present for Daya.  It isn't her fault, it is just the circumstance.

Because I am alone too much I think too much and get stuck inside my own head, which is awful.
I really believe my whole life would have been different if I had had One Good Adult when I was coming into adulthood.  And looking back there are things I should have done differently, but I can't blame myself as I didn't have the skills to do it.  Maybe I should have had roommates instead of insisting on living alone.  I didn't have connections when I was in the environments set up to do that.  I wanted to, but didn't know how. I was too withdrawn.  I was too.... a lot of things.

******
I think when a person is alone too much as a child, for whatever reason- and even if you don't like it- it becomes all you know how to do.  That was the problem with Rob, he couldn't transition from being alone, and he developed too strong a  preference for it. Even though it hurt him.

My situation is a bit different from his because even though I was also abnormally alone from a very young age, I have a child.  So my life isn't just about me, and that's a good thing. I'm glad for it.

I guess I have to just keep trying and see what happens.

Hall of Science

The NY Hall of Science is free from 10-11 on Sundays, so we went.
I don't want us just sitting around at home doing nothing all day.
We haven't been for several years, and I thought it might be fun for Daya and nice to get out.

I used to take her a lot when she was in pre-school, and in her elementary school years.  She had a school trip there once and I think I went on it with her.  She remembers the preschool room with the play grocery store and the puppet shows.  We couldn't go in because she's way too big, but she remembers it.  And she has a few spots she wanted to visit again as well.

The sports area, which was really why I took her- is closed. Bummer.

We were only there for a little over an hour, but it was fun.

We used to do these kinds of things with friends, and I really miss that.

ASL Painting

My 4 week class at Art Students League ended, it was a wonderful experience.
While I have of course been painting, and plein airing, and sometimes I go to figure drawing, I haven't done a longer, larger painting from the model since college.

I did a nude years ago with Nancy, we purchased a photo ref, but it's just not the same as working from the model.  I love figure work, but if I can't work from life I won't do it.

There is a lot to be said about being in the environment with others, too.  I LOVE seeing how everyone handles the same setup.  Everyone's paintings were very different.  We did critique a few times as well.  That, and seeing how everyone else handles the setup are massive learning experiences in themselves.  The instructor (Simon) came around and he had some really valuable suggestions for me.

This class is always running, and I'll go back, but I can't go in Feb due to schedule conflicts.

Painting progression:

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4
This painting didn't photograph well.  I think my skintones look much better than in the photograph.
There are a lot of subtle variations in the values, which I really worked mindfully to do, but they aren't showing up at all.

The painting is drying at ASL right now, maybe when I pick it up and it is dry I'll try re-photographing it under better lighting.

In any case, I really think of this as just practice.
And I need a LOT of practice!!

And our group photo.

Sketchy

Because I don't paint often enough, and I don't draw enough, I'm making a concerted effort to actually use the sketchbook that I carry with me everywhere.

(I really do just about always have my sketchbook with me.....using it is another thing.)

So here is a sketch from last night while waiting for Daya to finish her jazz class.
I have done several lately, but I like this one.

For all the years I have been arting, and all the sketchbooks I have used through the years, none of them are gorgeous sketchbooks like these.

I don't really feel like I have a professional body of work.
Yeah I know I have been really slowed down by life circumstance, but if I want to be really good I have to work a lot harder.

I'm just so tired from everything. :(
Things will loosen up in the fall, hopefully.

Post-Ailey

I'm not upset about Ailey anymore.  It took a couple of days.  Daya is still a little upset I think, but she's doing ok.  I'm helping her steer out of it.

There are three other (really great) programs she will be applying to.

The truth is that this year Ailey was a losing circumstance right from the start.
We tried to fight it, but thinking about it more and more, there were too many things saying no.

*We couldn't make the NYC audition, due to competition which is super-early this year
*Sprained ankle
*No dancing for 2 1/2 weeks before the audition... she was rusty
*Waking up at 4am and travelling to audition
*Schedule conflict with school.  Daya was really stressing over this one, too.  Ailey only allows one absence for the entire program.  I don't know why, since they are here in NYC, but their summer intensive starts the last week public school is in session.  Missing school last year didn't matter, but this year it does.  In those last three days of school, Daya has Regents exams AND her 8th grade class trip. So she would have had to skip exams or her senior trip, which she wants to go on.

The other thing about it is to look at why she didn't get in.
While she did her best with the circumstance, she wasn't dancing at 100%.

If she hadn't gotten in while dancing at her full capability in the NYC audition, then yes, we would have to say she didn't make the cut due to a deficiency on her end, and look at what happened.  But that isn't the case here, and that's an important distinction.

I have to go through this with Daya because this experience will hopefully teach her how to process things.  This is just life sometimes. Sometimes it is about circumstance more than anything else.  Daya is still at the age of black-and-white thinking.  She takes everything so hard.  The rejection stings, especially because she was there last year, she felt cared for, and she excelled.

*******
Daya's ballet teacher, Ms Robyn, also teaches at Steps.
She has seen potential in Daya and has been giving her private lessons FOR FREE once a week.

This is amazing, one of those almost unheard-of opportunities.
And you have to be really good, super-professional to teach at Steps.

(We absolutely love Ms Robyn.  She's literally the epitome of a dazzling fairy-ballet-princess.  And she's just as wonderful and sweet as she looks.  I think she has invisible sparkles around her.)

These are the things I'm telling Daya right now, to keep her from getting stuck.  Besides, she can go back to Ailey next summer.  It's not like the door is closed forever.

Friday & Saturday

The huge sign on 1 Times Square (under the new years ball) is broken.  People were fixing it.

Friday evening Daya wanted to go to the Laguardia Winter Dance Showcase, so we went.  It was pretty fantastic.

There was a student art exhibit up.  I liked these Byzantine-style portraits.

******
On Saturday we heard from Ailey.  Daya didn't get in this year. Shit and crap.
So we have to figure out something else for the summer.

She's extremely upset.  I'm upset for her.  It is the kind of disappointment that hurts a lot.

It's frustrating because circumstances were just against her.  We know she can do the program; she did last year and did extremely well. It isn't like she's a worse dancer than she was last year or anything.  I really believe if we were able to to the NYC audition next month she would have gotten in again.  The waking up at 4am and the travel would likely have been ok, but the sprained ankle wasn't.  She hadn't danced at all for 2 1/2 weeks before the audition.  And it was still hurting her during the audition. There's only so much dancing you can do on a sprained ankle, unless you are Misty Copeland, I guess. That week after she still wasn't up to full speed in class. When she finally was, she said she felt the difference from not dancing.

So the audition was a bomb,  we couldn't have done anything differently, It hurts but we have to move on.  There are some other programs she is interested in.  As my yoga teacher says, "this or something better".  But it stings and it sucks.  Life just throws mudballs in your face sometimes and there is nothing that can be done about it.

Unfortunately this stuff is also just part of life.  I just really need summer plans for her and she has to be dancing.

We still have a long wait for high school results, and it's really messing up her head.  This waiting is hard and stupid.

I Need Practice

Rambly post ahead...

******
I need so much practice, my goodness, I feel so behind in my painting skillz.
These streaks of momentum happen, and I love them, then I get so heavy inside and I just can't muster the energy to do anything.

Being in the figure painting class is good, I love being back in the class/studio environment with other painters.  There is some truly excellent work happening, and I love seeing all of it.  Being in that kind of environment where everyone is working is important because you soak it up.  College was like that too, we learned just as much from simply being around each other as we did from assignments and critiques.

So I need to practice with others and I need to practice in my studio.  One month this year I might do dailies, but I'm not quite ready yet.

One of my reasons for doing the figure class, aside from the practice and environment, is to work larger and more slowly than I have been doing.  I have been working fast and small, and I need some balance to that. So I'm working 18x24 over a month on one painting now.  There is an odd balance between quality/quantity.  Practicing as much as possible is really important but at the same time too much quantity for too long also gets stale, and slowing down is important.

I have not figured out how to balance this yet.
And i dont paint enough.

But on the other hand, I want to be able to knock out a killer alla prima portrait in 2-3 hours... and right now I can't.  And there is no way around it except by doing it- a lot.

I have also decided to really standardize my palette for a while.
For my figure class I'm using some cadmiums- my Williamsburgs because that's what I have... but they are stupid-expensive so I went down to Jerrys and got some Lukas 1862s which are good quality with a much better price.. And they dry faster as well. So I won't mind using them in larger quantities.
I like to reserve my Williamsburgs for special occasion paintings, so to speak. (Also Williamsburgs can really take 2 weeks to dry, sometimes longer.)

Here is my current standard palette, which I will be using for plein air as well.

Titanium white
Lemon yellow
Cadmium yellow medium
Cadmium orange
Cadmium red light
Permanent Alizarin
Burnt Sienna
Ivory black
Ultramarine
Cobalt blue

Optional viridian only if needed for special case.
I might miss yellow ochre, we are kind of besties...
Cobalt turquoise (PG 50) is my favorite pigment in the whole world and I love it so much I might still bring it plein airing. I don't think I can give it up.

However I want to get out of old patterns (and palettes) and just not worry about color choices for a while.  This is a very standard full-range palette which will work for both portrait and landscape.

And I am fighting with the painting on my easel, meaning it is total crap, and I should stop looking at amazing paintings because that is really demoralizing.

Friday

Daya went to the SAB audition again this year.  We know she won't get in, she isn't what they look for- it has nothing to do with ability- but it is good for her to be able to walk in anywhere and audition without being intimidated.  Audition experience is good. And she isn't intimidated, but she also doesn't like SAB.

But she got most of the day off school so that's something.

I took this super-sneaky photo in the absolutely no photos allowed on the floor! area. (Last year was a lot different, maybe due to being a younger age group?)

We had some nice tacos afterwards.

Waiting is Stupid

last Sunday when we were getting ready to go to Philly, Daya sent me a text.

It is a link to the BEST VIDEO EVER. 

Daya, like all the kids her age, is on Youtube all the time. It’s a big thing with the kids. They watch the stupidest videos. Nothing (that i have caught) which is objectionable, just things that are really, really stupid.  Anyhow, one of these teens made a wonderfully goofy video and wants other kids to share with their mom. I think this is AWESOME. And I love that Daya sent it to me.

******
Daya hasn't been quite right since the Ailey audition. I think- from what I gathered after talking more, she probably did quite well at the audition but she is putting enormous weight on minor mistakes.

But the waiting for results is hard, both Ailey and high school, which is a much longer wait.
We should know about Ailey soonish.

I get why the application system exists, but really it is so hard on the kids to wait and see where they end up.  For freaking high school.

Synchronized Torties

Philly

Yesterday we had to go to Philly for Daya's Ailey audition, because we can't make the NYC date.
We woke up at 4am and caught a 7am Amtrak train for a 10am audition.

Daya was not happy with her audition, she said she messed up a lot, but I said to her "You did some things very well too, right?" and she said yes... but overall she was in a bad mood and upset.

Also she has a sprained ankle which is almost-but-not-quite-better... during the audition she had to do the jump she sprained her ankle doing... anyhow we'll see, maybe it isn't as bad as she thought it was. Results are in 2-3 weeks. She REALLY wants to go back to Ailey this summer, and it would be a good thing for her to get in again, so I'm holding a positive mind about it. I guess things will work out the way they need to.

******
Carey came to meet me in Philly!!!  I was so happy to see her!!  She stayed overnight on a mini-vacation from her kids, and we went to prison.  Eastern State Penitentiary, which is a museum.  It is a grim but fascinating place.  We also took art supplies- she did a lovely watercolor and I did a rushed pastel, because right when I started Daya called me to say she was done and unhappy.  I didn't take a picture of it, but I'll post it later.

Here are pictures from the prison... it is a fascinatingly creepy place.

It is supposed to be one of the most haunted places in the US, but we did not experience any ghost activity.

Prison Mates Forever!