Almost September

Oh, this month is dragging on as it always does.
We are in another heatwave which is unpleasant.

My rent went up more than I anticipated.  This is scary because I always wonder about future sustainability- costs keep going up more than income. Everything just keeps getting more and more expensive.  When expenses change I still can't catch up because other things increase.  This isn't unique to me, it is everyone.

Relatively speaking, though, I am still in a really good and fortunate housing situation and I need to remember that, even though the rent increases are super-scary, even in a rent-stabilized unit.

I have to get through the next 5 years.
I have to get Daya through high school.
I have to get her to her 18th birthday.

I can't even think about my own life and what I really want to do beyond the next 5 years.  I'm so focused on just getting through this and maintaining stability.  It's literally taking everything I have, internally and externally. I can't even think about where my own life is going. That has not been an option for me since Daya was born.  My whole life closed due to my circumstance, I literally saw all my doors slam shut.  I was married...before I got pregnant!  I did not sign up for this, yet I have been on my own since before day 1 of this road.

I haven't had the freedom to even consider thinking about my own life goals and what I want for myself has simply been unavailable. I have been completely locked down.  And I'm getting older which is also scary.  But in 5 years I won't have the same constraints.

****
I'm still driving.
I have to get proficient in that, too... and I'm not ready yet.
Charlie says he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he says I'm doing really well and he sees progress.  I see progress too but it's not enough yet, I'm not ready to drive on my own.  There is so much I don't know and things I'm scared of.  And when I'm not taking lessons anymore, and I don't know something, who do I ask for help?  What do I do if I get into a situation and don't know what to do?  I'm up against time with it because I can only drive in daylight.  When the days get shorter I can't do my after-work lessons anymore.  So I stress about that and being ready.

I am not an assertive driver (Charlie says yet) and I still make some bad decisions, and judging distance on the right is hard, and merging lanes is really scary... and looking everywhere while going straight is scary, and sometimes I still misread the road, and I can't read small details like street signs until I'm closer than someone with better eyes.  I will be very GPS-reliant, I think....

But he has me driving on what he says are the hardest streets in the city.  (And believe me they are hard.)  He says it doesn't get any more difficult than what I am doing.

***
I'm still incredibly agitated and resentful of my upstairs neighbors, and I don't like feeling like this.
I spoke to the landlord and he said he would offer them another apartment if they are willing to move.  I haven't heard back yet.  In the meantime I dread the next time they will blast their music into my apartment.  They signed a 2 year lease which means they were not planning on moving this Spring. If they don't move I will ask the landlord again if I can soundproof...well, sound-reduce.  I really can't do full soundproofing. It will cost a lot of money I don't have, thousands, but that's how much I don't want to move.

And I have very specific reasons for not wanting to move.
*I have been in my apartment for 12 years and I love it and it is my home
*We have no one under us which means Daya can practice dance without worrying about the noise.  This has been a tremendous blessing and I can't take that away from her.
*Julie is next door (we love Julie) and is available if Daya needs help when she is home alone.
*Moving would still cost me a lot of money
*My apartment is a big one bedroom.  Another apartment would likely be smaller, even in the same building. The other 1 bedrooms I have been in (same building) are smaller.
*Daya has gym equipment installed into the wall and I have my awesome bathroom sink, both of which would need to be disassembled, moved, and reinstalled... I would have to pay for that. (not giving up my bathroom sink!!!)
*I would probably have a rent increase.
*I might still get crappy neighbors.
*Moving sucks.

****
I need a break.

Manhattan Mission

Daya needed to get out so I sent her on a Manhattan Mission... go to Little Italy and bring back cannolis.

She brought back three kinds- originals, chocolate peanut butter, and mint!

We ate the mint ones before I remembered to take a picture.

Just Some Things

Did you know that you can get actual for reals PTSD from really stupid things?
I shouldn't be judging myself like that, but it really does seem silly on the surface, until it gets Serious and isn't silly anymore.

I have actual for-real professionally-diagnosed PTSD from the neighbors' music upstairs.

Yeah, I thought it was stupid too.
Eva said it isn't stupid, it can happen from all kinds of things.

So I have these neighbors upstairs- for a year and a half- who are LOUD and they BLAST music and I'm still trying to get a resolution.  But the pounding drums and bass have really affected my mental health- badly- I can't have that in my home.  I have been in this apartment for 12 years- many people moved in and out upstairs- and nothing has ever been a problem like this.

I have spoken with the neighbors several times- and the last time I spoke with them I told them how it was affecting me, and it did seem to get better for a while.  But this past weekend they started up again and I went into a Bad Place with it.  Bad enough that I had flashbacks of when I was in high school and my mother used to intentionally blast music at full volume in the car with the sole intent of making me suffer.
I had forgotten all about it.

So that's when the PTSD stops being stupid and becomes a Serious Thing.

I contacted my friend T because I needed immediate help and I knew she would understand, also she is just as weird as I am so that helps. And she did help.  She gave me a person to contact who has helped her. After meditating Sunday night my whole body went into a crazy detox- I felt flushed all over and I could not stop shaking.  I contacted T's person, and she talked to me and did a clearing. (no charge)

She told me I would still have the physical reactions for a little over an hour after, and she was right.

Apparently I had a ton of stuff that just needed to be cleaned out.
I can honestly say I feel so much clearer and better after the cleansing.
I don't feel 100% good, but I do notice a big difference.

The music upstairs is still a huge issue- and is still affecting me badly- but I have more hope of a good outcome now.  I am feeling more connected in general.  T's person said I had been in a weird energy vortex...she didn't know exactly what but she said it was weird and it was time to go.  I think I do know what it was at least partially, nothing bad, but yes, time to go.  She also said I have a ton of guides around me. Standing room only, I was told.... I haven't felt anything for a while so that was just nice to hear. Even if I can't feel it.

I have not been keeping up with my usual basic spiritual hygiene to be honest. Not for a while.
So I need to deal with this noise situation with the landlord,  do triple grids, clearing, meditate, and just recover in general.

I really, really, really need a break from stress.

If you have any  good vibes to spare,  whoever, wherever and whenever you are, please send a few my way,

Thanks.

GW Bridge Plein Air

Today was a good painting day minus the mugginess.

This painting took about an hour and a half.

Jackie and I had a nice time at the Cloisters afterwards.

I have pictures but they are on my camera and I have to get them off and that is too much effort right now.

6x8 oil and gnats

Blue Squared

I haven't painted a still life for a while.  The oils forum project is a blue and painted from life theme,
so I thought I'd find some blue things and paint them.

This was done alla prima. The thee blues I used were pthalo, ultramarine, and prussian.

The darkest blues in the center are a mix of ultramarine and prussian.
I also used asphaltum.

I did come across some limitations with alla prima painting as far as the glass and very high chroma glowing color highlights...which are not in the painting... there are certain effects that have to be glazed for glass I think, but I don't want to spend more time on this painting and it was never intended to be a layered painting.

Or maybe my alla prima skills just aren't up to it.
Thinking back, since the panel wasn't toned I guess I could have done it last by removing paint down to the support and glazing... but I think some effects are better in layered paintings if you want to go super-realistic. The problem was transparency plus very high chroma and that bottle is already mostly paint straight from the tube.

8x10 oil

Connecticut Plein Air

Daya and I went to Connecticut for a few days to visit Cathy and get out of the city.  We had a really nice time.

Every single day we were there it rained and there were thunderstorms, but I still got one painting done.

6x8 oil on panel, hour and a half

A Lovely Dream

I had a dream last night, a really nice dream.....

In my dream I was....


..... drawing with vine charcoal.

:)

I do love vine charcoal.

Nationals!

Tuesday: 15 hour day
Wednesday: 15 hour day
Thursday: 15 hour day
Friday: Competition all day
Saturday: Competition day even longer than Friday

The girls did great.
We had to go to New Jersey.

The stage pictures came out great, but I don't have them yet.

1 PRT

Some traditions are worth keeping, like Pigeon Risk Time.

So here we go again.

I was lamenting to Carey that I haven't figured out how to time-travel through to September.  Yet.

It's hot, long, work is busy, Daya is home, the cats are home, I will work and drive and maybe paint.

I have to say that I'm REALLY ready for school to start, but that doesn't happen until Sept 5.

We can get through this, right?

And it's going to be good and boring and nothing bad will happen.  Right?

Oh, also, it's going to go fast.... right?  Or is that too much to ask for?