Almost September

Oh, this month is dragging on as it always does.
We are in another heatwave which is unpleasant.

My rent went up more than I anticipated.  This is scary because I always wonder about future sustainability- costs keep going up more than income. Everything just keeps getting more and more expensive.  When expenses change I still can't catch up because other things increase.  This isn't unique to me, it is everyone.

Relatively speaking, though, I am still in a really good and fortunate housing situation and I need to remember that, even though the rent increases are super-scary, even in a rent-stabilized unit.

I have to get through the next 5 years.
I have to get Daya through high school.
I have to get her to her 18th birthday.

I can't even think about my own life and what I really want to do beyond the next 5 years.  I'm so focused on just getting through this and maintaining stability.  It's literally taking everything I have, internally and externally. I can't even think about where my own life is going. That has not been an option for me since Daya was born.  My whole life closed due to my circumstance, I literally saw all my doors slam shut.  I was married...before I got pregnant!  I did not sign up for this, yet I have been on my own since before day 1 of this road.

I haven't had the freedom to even consider thinking about my own life goals and what I want for myself has simply been unavailable. I have been completely locked down.  And I'm getting older which is also scary.  But in 5 years I won't have the same constraints.

****
I'm still driving.
I have to get proficient in that, too... and I'm not ready yet.
Charlie says he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he says I'm doing really well and he sees progress.  I see progress too but it's not enough yet, I'm not ready to drive on my own.  There is so much I don't know and things I'm scared of.  And when I'm not taking lessons anymore, and I don't know something, who do I ask for help?  What do I do if I get into a situation and don't know what to do?  I'm up against time with it because I can only drive in daylight.  When the days get shorter I can't do my after-work lessons anymore.  So I stress about that and being ready.

I am not an assertive driver (Charlie says yet) and I still make some bad decisions, and judging distance on the right is hard, and merging lanes is really scary... and looking everywhere while going straight is scary, and sometimes I still misread the road, and I can't read small details like street signs until I'm closer than someone with better eyes.  I will be very GPS-reliant, I think....

But he has me driving on what he says are the hardest streets in the city.  (And believe me they are hard.)  He says it doesn't get any more difficult than what I am doing.

***
I'm still incredibly agitated and resentful of my upstairs neighbors, and I don't like feeling like this.
I spoke to the landlord and he said he would offer them another apartment if they are willing to move.  I haven't heard back yet.  In the meantime I dread the next time they will blast their music into my apartment.  They signed a 2 year lease which means they were not planning on moving this Spring. If they don't move I will ask the landlord again if I can soundproof...well, sound-reduce.  I really can't do full soundproofing. It will cost a lot of money I don't have, thousands, but that's how much I don't want to move.

And I have very specific reasons for not wanting to move.
*I have been in my apartment for 12 years and I love it and it is my home
*We have no one under us which means Daya can practice dance without worrying about the noise.  This has been a tremendous blessing and I can't take that away from her.
*Julie is next door (we love Julie) and is available if Daya needs help when she is home alone.
*Moving would still cost me a lot of money
*My apartment is a big one bedroom.  Another apartment would likely be smaller, even in the same building. The other 1 bedrooms I have been in (same building) are smaller.
*Daya has gym equipment installed into the wall and I have my awesome bathroom sink, both of which would need to be disassembled, moved, and reinstalled... I would have to pay for that. (not giving up my bathroom sink!!!)
*I would probably have a rent increase.
*I might still get crappy neighbors.
*Moving sucks.

****
I need a break.