1|1|2026

Ok, it's 2026.

I have expectations.

I expect to:

* Drink a lot of tea

* Paint some pictures **

* Receive personal growth in a few areas I am specifically working on

* Swim laps 2x a week (it has been good to be back in the pool lately)

* Get to 1 million jumps with Crossrope ***

* Focus on expectations, receiving, positive life experiences, and rest

* Keep my shit together, most of the time

** I kind of don't have any specific personal art goals except to keep going.

I can't think of anything specific I want to work on, although I know that sounds un-ambitious and flat.

Since I am always exploring artistically and learning, I'm sure I'll have things come my way that are interesting and new. I do feel I'm being a bit "small" here in mental scope and ambition, but I have such a wall of exhaustion that needs to be considered. So, I'll just keep doing what I'm already doing for now.

Prints? Yeah I should do more with that. Maybe.

Gallery submissions? I did get approached by a legit gallery last year, but it would have cost me hundreds up-front if I got accepted. If the work sold I'd get the hanging fee back, but this is where painting starts being like dance- it's pay to play. And also a lot of work that I don't want to do.

So I don't know.

Thinking about all of it, the non-painting stuff surrounding painting makes me feel overwhelmed so I'll stop for now.

*** Crossrope- getting to 1 million jumps might be a stretch.

Right now my all-time count is 422,411. So I'm just under halfway through.

I'll try, let's see how close I can get. If I jump every day- which I will not- I would need about 1644 jumps a day which actually is nothing for me. I can do that in 13 minutes. I like to do at minimum 3K jumps but ideally my standard workout is 5k, it just depends on how much time I have in a given day.

So maybe I can get to 1 million this year. We'll see.

I just want to hold steady this year, maintain what I have, and do the things that bring peace and good moments in this life. Keep my excellent friends. Be in and on the water. Paint and grow artistically.  Go camping. Explore. Lead kayak trips, think of new boathouse activities for the community. Sit on the hotline, take calls, and watch volunteers come and go.

I need to rest after 2025, last year was way too much.

Dec 31

Oh my god there are only a few more hours left in this year..... phew that was a slog to get through.

Today I did the afternoon shift on the hotline which has really messed up my head because I'm NEVER there in the afternoon so now I don't know how to place myself in time.

Ok, something that I came across and want to carry forward is the idea of expectations, and how our expectations- conscious and unconscious- shape our lives.

I always have new years intentions, but that's not quite the same thing as expectations.

Expecting outcomes, expecting positive. It's more of a command than a hope.

So, I am working on this energy shift.

On new years eve last year I got 2 of those big gold chocolate coins from Trader Joes- the ones that say YES on them. I got one for me and one for Daya.

So, last year I was meditating on saying Yes to good things coming in.

And I did do that.

I did that very well, actually, I think.

To several things.

Now, with meditating on expectation, I am contemplating that saying yes doesn't necessarily mean receiving. 

And that can be a bummer.

So, I'm having expectations for 2026.

I am leaving the ghosts of 2025 here in 2025 where they belong, and I am carrying forward positive expectations instead.

Oddly Prepared

Last night I was all alone on the hotline.

No one else there.

That's rare these days but in my early hotline months was common.

I enjoy being all alone on the hotline, especially on the overnight, because it's a specific kind of peaceful and safe solitude. I can't really explain it. Some of the other volunteers feel it too and also like it.

There is just something about being at the hotline alone that is very comforting.

Anyhow, it was nice last night because I needed that peace, it gave me a rest from thinking about Daya.

Also I did have a very serious call, the kind the hotline exists for, and I was able to help them and because of it, they didn't do what they were going to do.  At least not last night. (hopefully)

And knowing I made a difference between someone's life and death- however momentary- helps me to not feel like a complete failure.

I anticipated maybe being alone on the hotline, so I brought my new Sennelier pastels and the cigar box setup Sid made for me years ago. I did a little sketching, then decided to read.

There have been a couple of minor physical changes at the hotline, a place that never changes, and one of them involves re-used plexiglass.

It's an interim solution, probably?? (hopefully??)

Well anyhow the interim plexiglass had brown tape residue on the back, which was bothering me.  

A lot. It looked messy and contributed to a lack of visual clarity.

And as it turns out, because I had my cigar box with me, I also had my razor scraper, because it lives in there. So I cleaned the plexiglass and thought, wow that's really crazy that I had a razor scraper with me and specifically needed it!

*******

Today I am going to the movies with Sharon, then dinner at her place, and then I really just want the day to be over. Daya has left me with logistical questions now, but I have decided to not do anything and leave it alone until the new year, not make any decisions until then. I need to get through the last days of 2025 and everything is too much right now. It hangs over me, but I'm on pause.

Painting Plans Squelched

Here it is, Wednesday morning, and I haven't left my apartment at all since I got home Sunday night.

As of today I'm off work until Monday and thought it might be a good idea for me to.... leave my apartment.....

So I was going to go to BBG again to paint but the wind is gusting at 34mph so that's out.

Well, I'm on the hotline tonight so I'll have to go out later anyhow.

It's ok, I'm still processing Daya's note.

It was extra-shitty for her to drop that on me for the holidays.

It doesn't make any damn sense but when she's in a bad mental spiral, she's irrational.

I'm angry, very sad, I feel betrayed and used, and at risk of sounding like a little kid, it really just isn't fair. At all.

I have voices in my head saying "I'm the common denominator" in all these lost relationships- mother, sister, father, daughter..... losing all these relationships is significant.  On some deep level I think it is somehow my fault, I have internalized it as something wrong with me. 

On my logical surface, though, I know that isn't true.

The common denominator isn't me, it's the mental illness.

Look at what they have in common with each other.

All the people mentioned, with the exception of my father who has very severe childhood trauma but isn't mentally ill (I don't think?).... all these relationships are with people who have impossible mental issues. People who have trouble with other people and relationships in general.  Well, I don't know about my sister in present time, but she definitely had problems when I knew her.

I was talking to Sharon about it, and aside from.... well Daya, I don't have trouble with people.

I have friends, amazing friends.

Including several long-term healthy deep friendships with a diverse range of people.

I'm able to connect with people in all the different places I go, I don't have problems there.

I don't think I could have kept my same job for 19 1/2 years if I couldn't get along with others??

That has to say something about me?

Even when looking at these failed core family relationships?

Yes I am trying to convince myself.

I truly don't think I was a bad parent.

I think I did the best anyone could have with a horrible circumstance.

And I got my kid to Juilliard.

My mother really was a horrible parent, it's understandable her 2 children separated from her.

But so did everyone else! Even her sister, who she was always so close with.

No one could have a relationship with her.

But I don't think I was such a bad parent, and perfection is NOT a requirement to being a good parent.

So how did I end up at the same place as my mother??

Isis approves of staying in.

*********

When Grace came to visit last week, she brought a little container of microgreens from Whole Foods.

I don't shop there and have never seen them.... 

Oh my god I need to always put them on everything, they are amazing!

So I said to Grace, let's go find microgreens in my neighborhood!

We went for a long walk and stopped at all the places a person could stop that might have microgreens.

No one has microgreens.

So I ended up just growing them myself.

How convenient I still have my old grow light!

They sprouted today.

...I hope the cats don't eat them.....

Painting Finished, Cheeze Wheel Pasta, and a Note

Painting Finished

Our egg tempera show is in January.

I have been working on a Fillippo Lippi master copy since October.

It's a very difficult painting that has scrambled my head.

But I have learned so much, absorbed so much.

It's not even anything I can put into words, it's more of absorbing an experience, a process, a mindset.

Doug has been wonderfully encouraging.

This afternoon I suddenly hit a Wall.

It was unexpected.

Suddenly, I couldn't see anything else to do on the painting.

This required Doug and his perspective and critique.

He said I probably hit a Wall because it's done.

He pointed out a few VERY subtle tweaky things, which I did.

Karen found one more that is so little and tweaky it probably doesn't even matter but I'm still glad she found it. If this painting passed Doug and Karen, it's good to go.

I'll put it in its own blog post with the progress pictures over this week... I have to do some touch-up on the gold at home. But the painting part is done! phew!

Cheeze Wheel Pasta

After class, I met up with Janae for our annual tradition of Cheeze Wheel Pasta.

The booth is smaller but the pasta is the same.  This is definitely a once-a-year indulgence and it was worth it. I haven't eaten any carbs in 2 days and I got a Carb Coma.  

No regrets.

A Note
Daya stopped home while I was out, and I came home to find a note saying she doesn't want to be in contact for the foreseeable future.

This has hit me completely unexpectedly. A sideways blindside.

She's not doing well with her mental health, I am aware of that.

She is in therapy at school.  In Sept/Oct we were in good communication, she was sharing some very personal stuff with me, reaching out, and I guess she got worse (again) in November.

And now she's removing me.

She says "not forever" but honestly that note has split me into pieces and has deeply hurt me.

It's not the first time she has broken our relationship, only to reconnect and break it again.

It also doesn't make sense why she would even write it, given that she doesn't live with me, I have barely seen her since last June, and we haven't had much contact for the last couple of months.

So I don't know why she just couldn't...do what she needed to do.... without announcing it in such a cutting way.  She did not give a reason other than she needs to work on herself and her healing.

I'm so, so tired of this.

I think Daya has the thing that runs on my family.

She reminds me so much of my mother and my sister. Since late elementary school.

My uncle had something wrong too (I found a letter a few years ago from the 1980s written by his wife BEGGING for help) and I think my cousin had it too.  (She died in her early 20s from drug/alcohol abuse.)

I have lost everyone in my immediate family either due to this mental illness or from the damage it caused to everyone else. I don't stand a chance against it. I don't think I deserve this treatment, and now that Daya is an adult it's different than when I was dealing with her intense hostility when she was a teen. I don't HAVE to do anything for her. And I have helped her a lot since September, she has needed my help and support and she got it.

The Juilliard bill is not paid, I tried since early December to get the actual balance from her and now I don't really see why I should pay it. I can't give her a check anyhow, and I never pay online because the fees are ridiculous. So I chased it, I tried, now I'm stopping.  She can deal with it.

I think Daya does need serious help, I am glad she is in therapy and she should definitely be working on herself and getting stable, but I also disagree with how she's going about it. But if she wants to be disconnected from me, so be it, but I don't have to continue to help and support someone who wants nothing to do with me. It makes me feel used and stepped on. It makes me feel like garbage.

Before she turned 18 I had no choice, now I do.

It hurts, a lot, and I'm deeply sad about it. I wish it was different.

I always wanted a good relationship with her, I thought we were getting there slowly kind-of, but I've been through this enough to know I have to accept it and also protect myself.

I wish things were different, and I wish this kind of stuff wasn't my "normal", but it is and here we are.

Happy fucking holidays.

In the Macys Parade, Again

I was in the 99th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Parade today.

It was my second Macy's parade... in 2023 I was on the Uncle Dan balloon.

This year I was a clown, and I like being a clown more than being on a balloon.

I was in the Corn-y-copia clown group, and we were right at the front of the parade.  

(We were CORNSTARS)

We also opened The Today Show!

Debbie Gibson and Al Roker were there too. (pics below)

I like being a clown because it's really fun to interact with the crowd.

We threw confetti and people held out their hands for passing contact and high fives.

There is something very human and very magical about this; it was amazing.

Especially in NYC and all that means. It is all of humanity coming together in a moment of connection and contact in joy.

I was with 2 boathouse friends and my friend/coworker Franca.  Being in the parade has been on her life bucket list for many, many years, and she hasn't been able to get in.  I got her in this year and it was so nice to be able to make that possible for someone who has been wishing for it for so long.

It's a good feeling.

The parade and feeling the fun and joy of it is a stark contrast to how I am feeling internally, which is a bit odd. It's really weird to feel such opposite feelings at the same time.

After the parade I went home.

Daya is not coming home and I have no plans.

Aside from the parade I have no thanksgiving.

Here are some fun pictures from this morning.

Our call time was 5:15am.

Franca got a hotel room and I stayed with her.

I was on the hotline last night and got to the hotel at almost midnight.

30+ years living in NYC and it was my first time staying at a hotel in the city!

Downtown Boathouse Crew!

On the shuttle bus uptown

Happy New Year

My amazing friend Sharon invited me for dinner today, for Rosh Hashanah.

It wasn't seder, just a nice dinner. She isn't religious.

I DEFINITELY need a new year.

I'll join anyone's new year, as long as it is a new year.

So, today I am honorary Jewish and am celebrating the new year.

It was a wonderful, lovely time with good company.

Yesterday

Although it is my instinct and tendency to isolate when I am not doing ok, I made myself go to the boathouse for our annual 4th of July party.  This year there were no fireworks in the park, thankfully! I didn't enjoy last year- way too many people! We also remained closed to the public and kept it a day of volunteers and invited guests.

It was a good time.

I can be a little off and people are good and supportive and caring even if they don't know what's going on and that's nice. And it's good to be in a place where I am known and accepted.

Also, I am part of a community, and it is important to show up for that and contribute.

My absence would likely have caused some concern, and isolating isn't healthy right now.

I went for a swim in the river...... a few times.

I also lost my sunglasses to the river when I did a self-rescue in the inflatable unicorn.

The River Gods must take their tokens!

My unicorn self-rescue was successful though and that's really all that matters.

I took Reign for a paddle.

It is ridiculously difficult to take a selfie with a dog in a kayak.

There were many deck boat self-rescues today.

I stayed out of deck boats, mostly because I felt lazy.

I do like them though.

The kayak jousting platform! It is epic.

I love it. I'm so proud of Andrew for thinking it up.

Aimee looking good in a deck boat.

The Inflatable Unicorn I am now officially certified to self-rescue in.....

(that's not me in the picture)

I have a "thinking spot" on the north corner of the dock.

It's also a nice place to paint.

My gear today:

People came by to visit while I painted.

Painting start:

6x8 oil

Sunset.....

And of course we went on the water for fireworks, which is the only proper way to see them.