Painting Finished, Cheeze Wheel Pasta, and a Note

Painting Finished

Our egg tempera show is in January.

I have been working on a Fillippo Lippi master copy since October.

It's a very difficult painting that has scrambled my head.

But I have learned so much, absorbed so much.

It's not even anything I can put into words, it's more of absorbing an experience, a process, a mindset.

Doug has been wonderfully encouraging.

This afternoon I suddenly hit a Wall.

It was unexpected.

Suddenly, I couldn't see anything else to do on the painting.

This required Doug and his perspective and critique.

He said I probably hit a Wall because it's done.

He pointed out a few VERY subtle tweaky things, which I did.

Karen found one more that is so little and tweaky it probably doesn't even matter but I'm still glad she found it. If this painting passed Doug and Karen, it's good to go.

I'll put it in its own blog post with the progress pictures over this week... I have to do some touch-up on the gold at home. But the painting part is done! phew!

Cheeze Wheel Pasta

After class, I met up with Janae for our annual tradition of Cheeze Wheel Pasta.

The booth is smaller but the pasta is the same.  This is definitely a once-a-year indulgence and it was worth it. I haven't eaten any carbs in 2 days and I got a Carb Coma.  

No regrets.

A Note
Daya stopped home while I was out, and I came home to find a note saying she doesn't want to be in contact for the foreseeable future.

This has hit me completely unexpectedly. A sideways blindside.

She's not doing well with her mental health, I am aware of that.

She is in therapy at school.  In Sept/Oct we were in good communication, she was sharing some very personal stuff with me, reaching out, and I guess she got worse (again) in November.

And now she's removing me.

She says "not forever" but honestly that note has split me into pieces and has deeply hurt me.

It's not the first time she has broken our relationship, only to reconnect and break it again.

It also doesn't make sense why she would even write it, given that she doesn't live with me, I have barely seen her since last June, and we haven't had much contact for the last couple of months.

So I don't know why she just couldn't...do what she needed to do.... without announcing it in such a cutting way.  She did not give a reason other than she needs to work on herself and her healing.

I'm so, so tired of this.

I think Daya has the thing that runs on my family.

She reminds me so much of my mother and my sister. Since late elementary school.

My uncle had something wrong too (I found a letter a few years ago from the 1980s written by his wife BEGGING for help) and I think my cousin had it too.  (She died in her early 20s from drug/alcohol abuse.)

I have lost everyone in my immediate family either due to this mental illness or from the damage it caused to everyone else. I don't stand a chance against it. I don't think I deserve this treatment, and now that Daya is an adult it's different than when I was dealing with her intense hostility when she was a teen. I don't HAVE to do anything for her. And I have helped her a lot since September, she has needed my help and support and she got it.

The Juilliard bill is not paid, I tried since early December to get the actual balance from her and now I don't really see why I should pay it. I can't give her a check anyhow, and I never pay online because the fees are ridiculous. So I chased it, I tried, now I'm stopping.  She can deal with it.

I think Daya does need serious help, I am glad she is in therapy and she should definitely be working on herself and getting stable, but I also disagree with how she's going about it. But if she wants to be disconnected from me, so be it, but I don't have to continue to help and support someone who wants nothing to do with me. It makes me feel used and stepped on. It makes me feel like garbage.

Before she turned 18 I had no choice, now I do.

It hurts, a lot, and I'm deeply sad about it. I wish it was different.

I always wanted a good relationship with her, I thought we were getting there slowly kind-of, but I've been through this enough to know I have to accept it and also protect myself.

I wish things were different, and I wish this kind of stuff wasn't my "normal", but it is and here we are.

Happy fucking holidays.