Last night I met up with a friend from egg tempera class to go sketch at the Met.
We ended up in the Roman galleries, and I sketched that goddess bust- again... this time in Procreate.
It's ok, probably a ton of drawing issues.
Zoe and I both decided the lighting on the statue from my vantage point is weird.
I haven't sketched in Procreate in forever, and it was nice.
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I got a face time tour of my mother's house yesterday.
It's exactly the same as it was 15 years ago except worse.
I do not have to go down there, which I'm glad about, but I would if I had to.
I don't want anything from the house; I can't.
It's such bad energy and I can't have anything from there in my space.
It's a lot to process, but at the same time it's not that bad.
It's sad and I am also very angry at the whole thing, but I am just letting my feelings be when I have them, and they don't last long. I am giving myself the space I need.
I want the whole thing to be over.
Astoundingly, my mother's labs came back normal.
Well except from the mental damage caused by the strokes.
Everyone was shocked.
She has written sticky notes in shorthand on important documents and no one can read it.
This is also not a surprise because she's been doing that my whole life.
But it's a shitty thing to do on important documents that other people have to deal with.
Her mental illness has had a deep and profound effect on my life in every possible way, and none of it is good. It's a foundational early-patterning childhood kind of deep.
A couple of months ago I spoke with someone who said their grandmother killed herself when their mother was a small child, and how that impacted their mother, who never got help.
And they grew up hearing their mother talk about her own death, and how that impacted them deeply.
Only then did I realize- minus a grandmother committing suicide- I also grew up with a suicidal mother who talked constantly about wanting to be dead. Definitely from about when I was 9-10 years old. Before then I don't know, there was too much family drama happening. She wasn't right in the head though. And it never occurred to me that this was impactful. I have normalized it so much I dismissed it.
She blamed me for her troubles, very directly.
She did NOT like me, at all, and she told me so on many occasions.
There was no interpretive guessing game with that.
I'm realizing things I never did before, and I'm remembering things I haven't thought about in decades.
It's not the kind of stuff to just "not let it bother you"... which is a bullshit thing to say to someone anyhow.
I'm a stable emotionally mature adult, I have been through a lot of therapy, and it's all ok but is still a lot to process. It's amazing how things come up that were settled and buried for so long. And it's ok that I have my thoughts and feelings. This is a lot and shouldn't just be dismissed.
