Only Took 23 Years

Today marks the End of an Era.

A 23-year long era, to be exact.

I got a cutting mat.

gasp

Now when I need to cut something I won't have to go hunting for a pad of paper to cut on the cardboard backing. And find one that hasn't been completely sliced up, that is a challenge in my studio.

It took 20+ years for me to get this basic necessity.

It wasn't even intentional- I was at DaVinci getting some panels, and you have to go downstairs for that which I never do, and there they were - cutting mats! And I remembered I should have one so I got it.

DaVinci gives me a 10% discount with my Pratt Alumni card. :)

There are assorted oddments downstairs as well, including papier mache spiders.

And cats.  Note how the cat is showing it's butt in typical feline style.

Bad Week

I'm having a very bad week where everything is hard and stupid.

Also, I'm doing a painting that was supposed be a quick study and it's not.
It is a very difficult painting and it is kicking my ass.

Monday evening I came home from work and went straight to the easel, and with the quick exception of making dinner for Daya, I stayed there for 4 1/2 hours straight until my eyes went blurry and my head was screwed up.

And the painting looks awful because of Drawing Issues.

Seriously, Drawing Issues are just the worst.
They erode the spirit.

Drawing is hard and art is stupid.

But tonight I remembered that I have a proportional divider and ought to actually use it.

So maybe there is hope.

But everything is still stupid.

Horse Kisses & Too Much Pink

I have been pretty desperate to go out painting, but our weather has been awful and uncooperative. But Saturday was great! FINALLY!

While I was walking into Central Park to find a suitable spot, a horse leaned over and kissed me! He got my arm from shoulder to elbow. I guess horses like plein air painters.

So I found a nice spot- a large rock, actually, and across the way there was a painter selling paintings. I thought that was interesting and different from what I normally do.

Children also like plein air painters as it turns out. I don't mind except when they jump around my tripod...that made me quite nervous. I was windproof but not childproof....

There were 2 completely different light schemes flipping back and forth. One was cool with dark background foliage, the other was warm with light background foliage. I had to choose, and I went with light/warm for the practical reason that it was out longer and more often.

Anyhow, here's my painting done standing on a big rock for almost three hours. It is TOO PINK. I don't know why I made it pink, because the park was not pink. I was thinking "needs more red" but pink? When I was done I almost went back in and changed it because I really, really do not like the pink but I suddenly realized I was really cold and really tired.

So it stayed pink.

And I have learned a lesson and also found a few things I need to research and work on. This is also the first time I have ever put people in a plein air.

6x8 oil

Competition!

Yesterday Daya competed 4 dances with her team,,,,,, they were SO AMAZING!!
All dances placed in the top 10, platinum awards and a scholarship to a dance thing that is a bit ridiculous and no one will go to.

But I'm so proud of her!  It's very, very difficult work she is doing.  Daya was extremely nervous before her acro duet but she killed it on stage...then broke down a bit after.  Maybe that's just how she copes, she did that last year for an acro dance she was nervous about.

She recovered nicely though and I was so happy to see her socializing and interacting with her team. 
I had a nice time as well.

The next competition is in one month.

Practice pics before going on stage:

MY FAVE PIC

Awards (I did not take these pictures)

                       

                           

UniFang

I took Pebbles to the Vet on Saturday because she is snorty, having snort-spasms, and she smells like death. It has been going on for a long time and she is fine otherwise, and I knew it was her teeth.

When I was checking in at the office the lady checking out said to me, "I like your cat. I'll pay $100 of her vet bill."
......

When we were done with the exam and checking out it turns out she paid $250 of my vet expenses.

I did not ask or indicate that I needed help.... it was a stranger just wanting to do a kindness, and it touched me very deeply...especially with everything that has been happening lately with Daya...and those expenses. The gesture goes way beyond the money.

******
Pebbles went back Monday for a throat check and dental work. Everything is fine and they removed 7 teeth, including one fang.

Since I cannot call her Snorty anymore I re-named her UniFang.

She is doing very well and is very happy.
I paid $678...after the $250.

\
Goodbye tax return, sad I never really got to know you.....

Tunnel

I haven't written about something because I haven't wanted to, I have been too exhausted, and too in the middle of it.

Daya wrote an essay about it for school, and she doesn't seem shy about mentioning it anymore but it isn't all about her, though it centers with her.  She's the one who experiences it, and I'm the one who has to deal with the massive weight of it, and bear the brunt of it.

In summary, the mental health issues that run in my family have emerged in Daya.  She acts like my mother.  I'm all too familiar with it. 

It isn't her fault, it's just genetics. It has been getting progressively worse for the last year and a half-- and I do mean really bad.  There is nothing happening in Daya's life that one might say would be causing it. No events have happened, no past trauma (loss yes, but not trauma), and things-while not ideal, could be a lot worse.  She has had a lot of stability. She has dance, although the drape of depression and anxiety has ruined her relationships there which is very hard.  Daya has managed to remain functional at an extremely high level in academics and dance but we reached point critical. Tweens and teens in general aren't the most stable people, but there is a point where it isn't normal age stuff.

It isn't my fault either.  I'm not a bad parent; I really do not think I am. I have my own issues but my mother's stuff is different from mine. I don't struggle with anxiety in an abnormal way. It's genetics. And it sucks. It hit me hard when I was around Daya's age too, so I understand it.  And I have been on the lookout for it in her.  Growing up with someone who was increasingly unstable certainly taught me what to look out for. It's too familiar. And I have already seen what happens without treatment.

******
We tried everything.  Daya has been in therapy since kindergarten, because we needed to deal with father stuff the right way.  I also wanted to establish a support system for her when she got older, and make getting help when needed a normal thing. Someone to talk to who is not me.  Children need that. She sees a functional neurologist who is awesome but she needs something immediate and stronger.  I am resistant to medicating children but sometimes it is more dangerous to do nothing.

It took me a long time to find someone to prescribe for her who would let her stay with her current therapist and also takes insurance.  It took a while. Too long.  Too much stress.  But I finally found someone and it was the right thing to do.

I cannot begin to say how awful this has been- how stressful and terrible and hurtful and consuming.  It has taken an enormous toll on me, and while I tentatively think we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, we're not 100% there yet.

Daya has been much better the last couple of weeks which is a relief for both of us.  She still has occasional flare-ups and triggers- and her social situation at dance seems to trigger it- and it's likely she will still need a dosage increase.  I remain distrustful of her mood...when will it shift?  I can't think of the word for it,  how to say this properly, but I am constantly wary because I do not trust it.

She has put in SO MUCH WORK over the years- both in dance and academically- and I think medical intervention came just before she lost it all.

******
When Daya has a flare-up it really messes me up. If you have kids you know that your well-being is never really separate from theirs.  And I hate to see her suffer.... it's exactly like she has a mental auto-immune disorder, but instead of her body physically attacking itself, her mind attacks itself. 

It takes a gradual toll, little by little, until you have no resistance anymore and what is the daily normal is completely rearranged.  And when you no longer have resistance dealing with this behavior hurts a lot.  I have no resistance so I get messed up pretty much immediately from it now.

I'm so sad that she has messed up her relationships at the dance studio, because it is an awesome place.  I'm sad that the situation I put in place as a social haven for her has failed, and it is because of these issues. I believe she can repair them but it will require action on her part, which at this time she is too scared/unwilling to do.

I'm hoping time will help smooth things out.  I'm not planning on moving her out of her dance studio for several reasons, and I'm hoping next year will be better- especially if she is feeling better inside.
I'm hoping her time with Alvin Ailey will bring her new friends and positive energy.
I'm hoping the worst is over.

Ailey

Daya was accepted into the Alvin Ailey summer intensive! She will dance with them and perform over 5 weeks this summer.  This will be good prep for high school auditions which happen in the Fall.

Branwen sent an amazing gorgeous bouquet of roses.