Tunnel

I haven't written about something because I haven't wanted to, I have been too exhausted, and too in the middle of it.

Daya wrote an essay about it for school, and she doesn't seem shy about mentioning it anymore but it isn't all about her, though it centers with her.  She's the one who experiences it, and I'm the one who has to deal with the massive weight of it, and bear the brunt of it.

In summary, the mental health issues that run in my family have emerged in Daya.  She acts like my mother.  I'm all too familiar with it. 

It isn't her fault, it's just genetics. It has been getting progressively worse for the last year and a half-- and I do mean really bad.  There is nothing happening in Daya's life that one might say would be causing it. No events have happened, no past trauma (loss yes, but not trauma), and things-while not ideal, could be a lot worse.  She has had a lot of stability. She has dance, although the drape of depression and anxiety has ruined her relationships there which is very hard.  Daya has managed to remain functional at an extremely high level in academics and dance but we reached point critical. Tweens and teens in general aren't the most stable people, but there is a point where it isn't normal age stuff.

It isn't my fault either.  I'm not a bad parent; I really do not think I am. I have my own issues but my mother's stuff is different from mine. I don't struggle with anxiety in an abnormal way. It's genetics. And it sucks. It hit me hard when I was around Daya's age too, so I understand it.  And I have been on the lookout for it in her.  Growing up with someone who was increasingly unstable certainly taught me what to look out for. It's too familiar. And I have already seen what happens without treatment.

******
We tried everything.  Daya has been in therapy since kindergarten, because we needed to deal with father stuff the right way.  I also wanted to establish a support system for her when she got older, and make getting help when needed a normal thing. Someone to talk to who is not me.  Children need that. She sees a functional neurologist who is awesome but she needs something immediate and stronger.  I am resistant to medicating children but sometimes it is more dangerous to do nothing.

It took me a long time to find someone to prescribe for her who would let her stay with her current therapist and also takes insurance.  It took a while. Too long.  Too much stress.  But I finally found someone and it was the right thing to do.

I cannot begin to say how awful this has been- how stressful and terrible and hurtful and consuming.  It has taken an enormous toll on me, and while I tentatively think we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, we're not 100% there yet.

Daya has been much better the last couple of weeks which is a relief for both of us.  She still has occasional flare-ups and triggers- and her social situation at dance seems to trigger it- and it's likely she will still need a dosage increase.  I remain distrustful of her mood...when will it shift?  I can't think of the word for it,  how to say this properly, but I am constantly wary because I do not trust it.

She has put in SO MUCH WORK over the years- both in dance and academically- and I think medical intervention came just before she lost it all.

******
When Daya has a flare-up it really messes me up. If you have kids you know that your well-being is never really separate from theirs.  And I hate to see her suffer.... it's exactly like she has a mental auto-immune disorder, but instead of her body physically attacking itself, her mind attacks itself. 

It takes a gradual toll, little by little, until you have no resistance anymore and what is the daily normal is completely rearranged.  And when you no longer have resistance dealing with this behavior hurts a lot.  I have no resistance so I get messed up pretty much immediately from it now.

I'm so sad that she has messed up her relationships at the dance studio, because it is an awesome place.  I'm sad that the situation I put in place as a social haven for her has failed, and it is because of these issues. I believe she can repair them but it will require action on her part, which at this time she is too scared/unwilling to do.

I'm hoping time will help smooth things out.  I'm not planning on moving her out of her dance studio for several reasons, and I'm hoping next year will be better- especially if she is feeling better inside.
I'm hoping her time with Alvin Ailey will bring her new friends and positive energy.
I'm hoping the worst is over.