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Another New Year!

My word is THRIVAL.

That's my word, I made it up.
(I think other people also made it up too because I googled it... but it's still mine. Apparently it isn't a "real" word but it should be.)

I want to shift from surviving to thriving.

Time to state my intentions, which I do every year:

1. Drink a lot of tea

2. Paint some pictures

3. Swim regularly

4. Continue and maybe even finish clearing out old stuff in my apartment and making my space nice and refreshed. I have been here a long time (15 years) and it's pretty amazing how things end up sitting around for years. And I need a new couch or couch equivalent.  This is an important time to refresh my space. Life is changing to a new phase.  Daya is 16; she has a year and a half left of high school. So over the next couple of years, I will be entering into a very new Life Phase that I need to prepare for to let everything good in. I feel it coming.  I had wanted to really do this about 4 years ago but honestly I think I couldn't because it just wasn't time yet. This past year (and a little in 2020) I really have been shifting my space in earnest.  So it is going...slowly, but it's going and I might see that accelerated this year.  It's time to prepare and pre-pave the way.

5. This is a new one- I'm doing prints this year.  Giclees. (Archival museum prints) It's time. I'm ready.  I haven't been ready before but I am now. I'm going to start with some Topiary Cats, see how they do. Last year was a pretty ok year for painting being self-funding, and I'd like to continue that trend.

I have a friend who wants to help me with the photography, and I have 2 printers- one is recommended by 2 friends but isn't local. The other reached out to me after I posted my Topiary Cats and they are local.

I still need to compare and check out prices. I have a lot to learn but it is time to start.

*********

Here is the Lee Harris energy update for Jan 2022.

It's interesting that the big theme he says is that this January is not the time to go blazing into action, but it is a time to be introspective and reflective.  This is exactly how I feel, and I was thinking about that even before I listened to the update. I don't feel a big momentum to action right now.  I think this time, especially with the Omicron wave, and winter, is about rest, self-care, and introspection.

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Over the past couple of days I was thinking it might be good to do daily cards this month, and I had a thought from the recesses of my mind to use the Black Cat tarot.

To be honest I haven't thought about this deck in a whole bunch of years. Seriously. So it's a little odd I thought of it, it literally just popped into my head, which is even more reason to go with it.

Here is today's card, 2 of coins (pentacles) which completely and accurately describes where I have been and how I feel. It's SO RELEVANT.

This isn't a "negative" card. 

Last night I was thinking how I always feel like I'm walking right at the edge of a treacherous cliff.

I have a lot to balance, I have no idea where I'm going, but I haven't fallen off the cliff!

Basically this card describes the state of precariously but successfully balancing resources and being able to handle problems as long as time, energy, and resources are managed well.

I actually think I have been doing pretty ok with that. Maybe more than ok.

Thrival.  I have to shift from survival into Thrival.

Why I Like Tarot

The tarot is not a religion, it is not silly hocus-pocus, and it is not some strange kind of silly magic. It isn't something to believe in or not believe in. There is no belief involved with it at all.

It is a system, a series of focus points- that contain all the symbols and themes of human existence from a granular to a universal level.  It is very deep and layered. It does contain collective energy, and can help as a focus point for meditation and inner reflection. It is also art. It is centered around visual art.  I have been collecting decks for almost 20 years just for the art alone.

Some use it for divination, which can be helpful for answer-seeking and insight, but as far as I personally use and relate to it, it is an insightful meditation practice. I don't do tarot readings for other people.

I have said before we humans are internal and external beings.  The tarot is really about the internal landscape. It is representative of energy- themes, patterns, and dynamics either of where we have been, where we are, or where we want to be.

Like anything else, it is not something easily explained to people who have not spent any time with it or investigated it.  It is the same way I can't explain what it is like to be an artist to a non-artist. I can talk about it, but my audience won't relate unless they, too, have some kind of similar experience. If you have spent time with something and gotten to know it, telling someone else about it doesn't mean they will know or understand it. If they want, they must undertake that journey themselves.

You can pick any point in the universe and find the god-source.

Judeo-Christian traditions teach that tarot is somehow evil. And so people are afraid of it because they are taught to be afraid- but it is no more evil than, say, yoga- which also has a huge element of meditation and introspection. There is nothing harmful about it. It is outside the standard religious Tribe, and people are taught to fear anything outside the Tribe so they will stay in the Tribe.  But the Tribe has its own agenda, mostly of self-preservation.

The tarot is just one way of infinite ways to be in touch with your inner spiritual self, to zoom in and out, to connect, to learn, to grow, to find answers, clarity, and insight.

Keep on asking, and you will receive 

what you ask for. 

Keep on seeking, and you will find. 

Keep on knocking, 

and the door will be opened to you.

                                            Matthew 7:7

Sunday Night

I had a nice weekend.
I am very grateful for the nice weekend.

Daya's switch flipped back to Angel-Daya- mostly- which is a massive relief.
Angel-Daya is cute and sweet and funny and loving and kind.
Jackie has been wonderfully supportive.
Thanks also to Lisa and Launna and Tammy, you have been wonderful and I appreciate it more than I can ever say.

Eva got me a massage for my birthday which I hadn't used yet- so I went Saturday morning and it was lovely.
Then I had a lovely afternoon/evening with Rob.

Today Jackie and I went to a nice French bakery in her neighborhood. I know we will be back there.
An orange cat lives downstairs in the bakery, too.
Shop cats and bodega cats used to be common and it was really nice. These days, I suppose because of overly-ridiculous health codes, there aren't as many cats in the shops. The cats always brought good energy to their stores, and they enjoyed being there- lazing around or greeting people. They belonged there.

***
Today marks six months I have been with Rob.
It feels slow and steady to me, solid-  I really think we have a good thing going.
He is a wonderful person and getting to know him has been a positive experience.

Aside from him being my boyfriend- he is my friend. He is a good friend. I truly enjoy listening to all the things that are always running through his mind. I respect him as a person- his character and his intellect.  And he respects me.  We both know a lot of weird stuff, but we know different weird stuff so I'm always learning something new.

In these past six months, we have spoken mostly every day. We always have something to talk about.
We can easily be on the phone for 2 1/2 hours.  He listens just as well as he talks. We both know ourselves and we both are experienced in being alone through tough times.

I am very deeply grateful for this relationship.

****
I am pulling in some tarot energy....it REALLY worked last year!
I chose The Sun and have had that card on my altar. to help bring in Sun energy.
So of course I noticed that Rob is a Leo--and Leo is ruled by The Sun.
So, yeah, that worked.

For this year, I chose 2 cards... the 10 of pentacles and the 10 of cups.  Why not aim high, right?
They are both cards about fulfillment- pentacles deals with the material aspects of life and cups deals with emotions and relationships. They are stable cards, cards that come after a progression of lessons and difficulties.

So I have them up and I invite their energy in.
This deck is Tarot of the Water, last year's 78 Tarot collaboration. (I WISH I was a professional artist...then I could apply to do a card...you have to be professional, with a certain percentage of your income coming from your art.....that is not me unfortunately.)

For my Major Arcana I chose Judgement...which isn't nearly as bad as it sounds. 

It is 20 out of 21 Major Arcana, so like the 10s it comes after a process.  It contains a meaning of awakenings and realizations after past trials which come from a self-evaluation.. Absolution is a big theme.  A new start and forgiveness.

2017 Intentions

Well we made it to another new year.

Rob stayed with me and Daya again last night which was really nice.

During the day he and I went out for lunch and he took me over to Canarsie Pier in Brooklyn- I had never been there.  Rob went there a lot as a kid. It is close to the last stop on the L train, then there is a bus that runs right to the pier. Rob drives, though, so no bus or train for us.  We were going to check out the new Second Ave subway but I guess we forgot to do it!

Canarsie Pier has a beautiful view- and there were a lot of people out fishing!

It is surreal- the water is flat and the sky stretches out. There is no city.

*****'

My 2017 intentions are:

1. Drink a lot of tea

2. Paint some pictures

3. Nurture good healthy relationships

4. Financial balance.  2016 killed me with dance, summer camp, and braces.

*****

I pulled a tarot card for new years. This year is the 5 of wands, from Tarot of the Water.

This is a very relevant card for current world events.

Answer

I was asked a question in an early morning meditation.
Because I don't honestly know how much more I can take with my current themes.
More on that later.

My answer is that I would change from The Hermit to The Sun.

The Sun from

The Gilded Tarot

Clean

For the first time in many years- I don't even know how many- I am home alone (well with Daya) on New Year's Eve.

We are starting clean, just the two of us.
And the cats.
And the rats.

I cleaned everything.  Even curtains and oven mitts. The floors. All sheets and linens. The cats are clean.  The rats are clean. All laundry is done and put away. Dishes, too. I even broke down and got a new king size down comforter, since the old one was so messed up (from the cats (Pebbles)) that there was just no way it could ever be washed again. It was patched up, taped together, and new holes just kept appearing.  Sometimes you have to know when to call it quits.

Now that Pebbles is medicated and all her...issues... are resolved, we'll try again.
I think it will be ok.

Yes Pebbles, take a good look at what you did.

I also re-did my house altar. It is clean and simple.
Some new things are on there. Some old things too.

*********
My tarot card for the new year comes from Tarot of the Water, which just arrived less than two weeks ago. It is the second deck in a global artist collaboration.  (I also have the first deck.)

Eight of Swords
This is a card about feeling trapped, isolated, and blinded. However, there is a way out, which can be seen by a change in perspective.

From this page
The Eight of Swords is often a sign that it is best not to make any important decisions at this point because your thinking has been limited and constrained by self-imposed boundaries. You are struggling to see a situation for what it is and have been lead to believe certain things that may or may not be true. There are choices available but first you must be within the right mindset to know which option to choose. This means releasing the bindings and the blindfold to see the situation from a different, less imposing angle. There may also be too many ideas running through your head, thus it is best to wait until you feel more secure and certain about a situation before making important decisions and taking action.

I think this is a very appropriate card.

********
And of course, Daya has a new song.  I guess it is probably good year-round.

We wish you a kitty-Daya

We wish you a fluffy Isis

We wish you a noisy Furball

And a lazy Pebbles!

Mad ACEO: The Moon

Raise your eyes to a moonless sky

and try to wish upon a rising star

Search all you want for her blessing

but you won't find her sparkling there

Now cast your eyes to a part of the sky

where nothing but darkness unfolds

and watch as all around you

she reveals the brilliance of secrets untold

-Cowboy Junkies

Our theme this week was The Moon.
What a great theme. So much can be done with the moon.

All my cards are various sorts of pastel on Bristol, some colorfix primed, some clear gesso primed.

Moonscape 1
Unisons

Moonscape 2
panpastels, unisons, rembrandts

Waxing
panpastels on colorfix

Waning
panpastels on colorfix

The Moon
(based on Rider-Waite tarot)
pastel pencils on colorfix

The panpastel cards are very shimmery and sparkly...the effects are a little easier to see here.

Here are Carey's!

The Hermit

A few years ago I got this book on tarot that a friend recommended. In it is an exercise to find your card which represents your life path. I did the exercise and added up the numbers and looked up the corresponding information...and it came as absolutely no surprise that The Hermit is my card. It makes absolute perfect sense.

It is something I fight against and embrace at the same time.
I hate it, but I can see it for the gift that it is.

Sometimes it is such a very heavy crushing burden.
Sometimes it is the most liberating and wonderful thing in the universe.

The Hermit

art by Cathy McClelland

********

In the last five years alone I have found myself at the end of broken connections that are very permanently final. My mother, my sister, my stepmother, three best friends. I am not close with my father; he has other priorities in his life. We are cordially distant. It is what it is. I have no other family. My friends are dropping away one by one. New connections are not taking hold.

How to explain it? How to see the reasoning? How to make sense of it?
I could internalize it- which I admit, I have done, who wouldn't?- what is wrong with me, why does this keep happening etc etc? This is a normal human reaction.

But alongside the human reaction I can look for a spiritual answer, which is where I know the Truth really lies. It is the only thing which brings a measure of comfort. Carey mentioned a devotional which made her think of me. I had the same thing repeating itself in the back of my mind, so when she mentioned it there was no real surprise.

It is spiritual endurance. And it is ^&%$&;$*^&$$%;ing difficult!!! 
But I'll do it, though sometimes ungraciously.  I might get there protesting, but I get there. I will always choose a spiritual path above all else. When something is so.... abnormal- there has to be a spiritual reason.

Everything is spiritual practice.

*************
Carey sent me this note:
Here is that devotional, by Oswald Chambers.  It's a short one, maybe even the shortest one in my whole book, but I think that may be because the message is so very powerful and direct.  It's a reliance on God and God only that we all need the most in life.

The Price of the Vision

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord..." (Isaiah 6:1)

Our soul's personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes.  Over and over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged.  Let me think about this personally--when the person died who represented for me all that God was, did I give up on everything in life?  Did I become ill or disheartened?  Or did I do as Isaiah did and see the Lord?

What  need is God's surgical procedure--His use of external circumstances to bring about internal purification.

Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever.  Your prayer will then be, "In all the world there is no one but You, dear God; there is no one but You.

***************
Since I have prayed about recent events, I have to acknowledge the hand of god in this stripping away. It is the only thing that makes any sense whatsoever. It is the only comfort. It is the only way forward.

**********
Where I am heading: More and more, I am coming into an awareness of walking through this life journey softly. Gently. Having a gentle spirit. Living a gentle life. Compassion. Endurance. Life is fleeting; the soul is eternal. Divine order vs human order.

*********
My new mantra, for real:  "Ok, God."
It is not easy. Actually it is really, really difficult but what else is there?
It is an ongoing practice.

********
I cannot help hoping that in this lifetime, this theme will become unnecessary, or will end, but no matter what- this is where I end up and it really seems completely out of my hands.

Camping with Paint

We went camping this weekend!  I LOVE camping!  Of course I took my plein air gear. The best part of traveling is painting on location!  All my plein air paintings have stories and memories attached to them.

Here is a painting in the woods, Saturday morning.  We were waiting out a little rainstorm. It was a good time to paint.

6x8 oil on panel

Near the camp site, there is a little rocky bluff/beach.  It was overcast at first, then the sun came out. There was so much color, and so many pretty rocks.

another 6x8 oil on panel

And finally, I had to paint at night when we were sitting around the fire.  I got an LED music stand light for my box, and it worked out perfectly! The sparks the camp fire made were so pretty.

Unfortunately this is a tough painting to photograph because of all the subtle dark value colors, and the glare was impossible to eliminate.  It should be scanned but of course it is still wet.

Again, 6x8 oil on panel

*********
King of Wands (upright)

Fire energy, leadership, executing an idea, visionary, goal-oriented person.

French Easel NIGHTMARE

I had a horrible nightmare about my French easel!

It's no secret that I don't like French easels for plein air. I have one, an old Julian I got almost 20 years ago. I also have a half-box French easel someone gave me a few years ago. But I'm a pochade box-tripod kind of girl all the way.

My old Julian

Wednesday night I had a dream I was out painting, and for some reason I had my French easel instead of a pochade box. (I wondered why in the dream, too) So, I was painting and the ^%#^%(@#^(% easel kept changing height on me by itself! While I was in the middle of painting!

It looks so un-assuming

It would suddenly go about 10 feet higher, and the legs were constantly uneven no matter what I did.

Julian can be difficult

When I adjusted the legs, it would get too low. It tipped over. I would adjust one leg and another one (that I had just tightened) would change height.

Then, a big splintery chunk of the bottom where the painting sits just fell off!

My painting fell on the ground paint-side down.

My brushes fell and scattered.

I was so freaking mad at that stupid easel.

I gave up. I just couldn't paint anymore with that horrible evil thing.

Evil Easel

When I woke up, I was still mad at the damn thing.

GRRR

French easels are such a pain to set up and break down.  And they blow over very easily in the wind, especially being so top-heavy. And they are very heavy.

I'm hating on my Julian right now because it gave me a bad nightmare, but it probably deserves much more love.  For many, many years it was my only easel, and I used it as a tabletop easel which sat on my drawing table. Lots of paintings were made on it.

None of them were plein air.

*************
Two of Swords (upright)

Having to make a difficult decision and trying to avoid it. Could be avoidance, or lack of all the information you need in order to decide. Might also be a stalemate.

Superficial Compassion

There is a video circulating around on Facebook, with the usual Facebook-style-melodramatic-hype.

It is about homeless people going around asking for food and sharing it. The video is extremely contrived but is supposed to have a "powerful message". (synopsis below) I have a few thoughts.

*********

Video Synopsis: 

1. Youngish nice-looking white man walks into food court whining to people to give him food. No one does. So they are heartless people who obviously lack compassion. The man does not look homeless or in need***, and "Is there any way I can have some food" is a strange way to ask. Seriously, it's weird. And the guy is annoying. I would say no too.

(Also, almost every single person asking for food on the trains says "please". Just saying.)

*** Just because someone doesn't look like (or sound like) they are in need doesn't necessarily mean they aren't- yes I know that. All I'm saying is that it is a factor in the response people get.

2. The video shows some guys giving food to a random homeless person, who is camped out in a pretty nice grassy field by a fence. There's nice pretty music too. They approached him and woke him up from a nice nap! WHAT? Also, they assumed he was homeless and in need, and not dangerous. He didn't ask them for anything.  I'm just saying, as far as personal safety goes, this is not smart.

They "bought some food to give to someone" and were wondering if the guy was hungry. HUH? WHAT? There was no one specific in mind when they bought the food?

Oh, but they are such nice and caring and compassionate people. Now they can feel good about themselves forever and all the uncaring people in the food court are heartless shits. This is very "easy" and superficial compassion.  It is too easy, obvious, too black-and-white.

How about showing some non-judgement and compassion to the next stranger who treats you rudely? Or towards someone you philosophically or ideologically disagree with?

The ways to be compassionate aren't always obvious, or "easy". But the opportunities are everywhere. You don't even have to "do" anything; it starts in your thoughts towards others.

People don't have to be in obviously dire straights to need compassion. We are all getting through life as best as we can, with whatever knowledge we have.

3. The Annoying Food Court Guy shows up and does his line: "Is there any way I could have some food?" and food is shared. Oh, and remember from the title, Nobody else would do this. Judgy.

4. Another person joins them and they have a nice little picnic in the grass by the fence. Awwww isn't that nice?

One meal does not change the situation of being homeless.  What happens in a few hours when they are hungry again?
Moral: Sometimes those who have less give more. That actually can be true very often but I have many, many issues with this video. It is a poor example. 

Get some tea, let's go.

********* 1. If someone comes up to me in a restaurant saying "Can I have some food" I am most likely going to say no.  That's right, I will most likely say no.  And that does not make me a heartless uncaring person. It means I can't help, for whatever reason- or maybe I just don't want to get involved, and that is OK too. Especially as a woman. Safety. Because I don't know that person isn't going to sit down with me, or stick around, or follow me, etc.
2. Here in NYC, the sad truth is that there is a good-sized homeless population. People sometimes do ask for food. Usually they want money. In my experience this happens mostly on the trains, or people just sit on the street with signs. It has never, ever happened to me in the scenario this video opens with. Some panhandlers are genuine and I strongly suspect (and sometimes know for a fact**) some of them are not.

** When the same person is panhandling for money to get a bus home to New Jersey because their wallet was stolen and they are stranded- for 6 months straight- it's probably a scam. When you have your schedule and ride the same train at the same time, you see a lot of the same people over and over, panhandlers and musicians included. Many of them run on schedule. (I like some of the musicians.)

3. I see just as many homeless outreach people on the trains loaded with food for anyone who wants it as I see homeless people.
4. I very, VERY strongly disagree with using guilt to manipulate others into giving.  And this is a primary tactic. People have some real tear-jerker sob stories. But my choice to not give does not mean I don't care. Actually, I do. Very much. But reality is that I have to take care of my own life and my child. I really don't have a lot of extra to hand out. My capacity to help everyone else in need is limited- my time, energy, and money is limited.  And that should never be judged. I am not obligated to give, they are not entitled to receive from me. And that does NOT make me a bad person, lacking in compassion. It means that I just don't have the capacity to assist.  ********
Here is a site with more information and statistics on homelessness (here in NYC), and ways to help. Mostly, according to this site, people in NYC are homeless because of a lack of affordable housing (80%), which is a HUGE problem (and one of the many reasons I detest hipsters so much). A lot of apartments have become de-regulated over the last 20 years, and, well, basically "the rent is just too damn high". Really, what needs to happen is re-regulation and incentives to landlords to keep the rents low. If you are not in a regulated apartment, the landlord can do whatever they want.  And they do.

About two-thirds of people sleeping on the streets (not in a shelter) are drug addicts or have severe mental health issues. 

********
The Star (upright)
One of my favorites!

The Star is transformation after a hard journey.  It is also a wait-and-see card and a wish for a brighter future.  Motivation to keep going. Have faith, believe in yourself.

A Whole Lot of Utah Landscape 4

I took a ridiculous amount of landscape pictures in Utah.

It is too much for one post so I am breaking it up.

Click any image to enlarge.  :)

*************
Queen of Cups (upright)

Cups = water = emotions. Thinking with heart instead of your head, someone who is fair, nurturing, compassionate. A mature female. Intuition, dreams, imagination.

Sharpie Requirements

Carey sent me a baffling text yesterday.

She was at Walgreens, and she bought a pack of Sharpie permanent markers.
They carded her.

Carey got carded to make sure she was old enough to buy Sharpie markers.

I had to see if that would happen here, too. Because that is so incredibly absurd.

The vet is right by a Walgreens, and I had to get Pebbles after work, so I stopped in and got a pack of Sharpies.

The first pack

Furball thinks they are suspicious

I did not get carded.

(By the way, I DO still occasionally get carded for alcohol.)

Pebbles and I took the bus home.  We got off the bus next to another Walgreens.

I HAD to see if not being carded was a fluke or not, so I went in and got some chocolate and a pack of Sharpies.

The second pack
Furball is sniffing Sharpies

Again, I did not get carded.  Nor does the cash register beep to tell the cashier to ask for ID.

Conclusion:

1) We have more pressing problems in NYC than the sale of Sharpie markers to minors

OR

2) The rules don't apply to me

They do, however, apply to Carey.

********

PEBBLES UPDATE:

Prozac

********
The Hermit (upright)

Oh, The Hermit. This card, more than any other, sums up my whole life.  A few years ago I looked up some life path thing based on birth date (I have the book I got it from, must look it up again sometime to explain it better) but I got The Hermit.  Which did not surprise me one little bit.

Sometimes I love The Hermit and sometimes I really struggle with it. Sometimes both at the same time. This is such an important card for me, I really should do a whole blog post on it sometime.

The Hermit is a solitary and introspective card.  It stands for an inner journey, spiritual knowledge, wisdom.  The Hermit is always alone but has a guiding light at all times. Seeking the truth within yourself. Contemplation, soul searching. turning away from the outer world to focus on the inner world. Alone in the wilderness in a vision-quest kind of way. Spiritual attainment. Detached compassion and acceptance of others.

Here is a very detailed explanation.