Fort Jay, Governor's Island

I could paint on Governor's Island every single day for a year and still not run out of cool things to paint.

David and I met on the 7am ferry over to paint.

We both thought Fort Jay was a fantastic spot.

There were two- actually three- paintings where I was standing.

I intended to do two but it was SO COLD.

I was dressed warmer than I have been yet this season but it wasn't enough.

Actually on the way over I was hot... but for standing still I needed my wool unders.

Temp was 50 but with the wind felt like 38.

I really did think it would warm up a bit but nope.

Davisd was also freezing.

Here is a strange painting of Fort Jay. I want to go back to that spot and paint the amazing tree.

8x10 oil

My panel was Pebbleized....

*****

Pebbles is fine, for the most part, except for being really B12 deficient.

I'm supplementing and tracking her weight at home.

*****

I have still been feeling this intense anger.

It's complex and multi-faceted and isn't just about me.

The vet bill just really zapped it, like I got electrocuted or something.

It's been waking me up at night.

I haven't been sleeping well, unusual for me, except for Weds night when I knocked out for 10 hours, I have been up at 4am all week.

A plus to that was waking up at 4am to make the 7am ferry was easy today.....

So anyhow before I left this morning I paid off the bill because I have to clear the energy.

While painting the anger towards my friend M finally coalesced and I got the words I needed to say.

In fact, it became so pressing I had to write and send it even before getting home.

So, after I got off the GI ferry, I stopped in the waiting room at the Staten Island ferry to compose my words and send them.  There is a problem in the friendship, something he does, that I have explained and asked several times that he doesn't do, but it makes no difference.

He either needs to respect my request in this matter or I will let the friendship go.

Either way is fine with me, and I needed to finally do this to start releasing this anger.

I am hoping the combination of these things will start to break it up.

It's a lot of energy so I don't expect anything immediately, but over the next day or so I hope to feel better.

Violation

1. I don't know if the stupid bots fucked off yet but that post had about a third of the traffic I've been getting lately so I'm feeling hopeful.

2. I took Pebbles to the vet Tuesday evening. She's ok, it's just routine.
She got an exam, urinalysis, 3 year FVR/CP vax, and senior bloodwork "Health Check Plus" with B12 and folate check. All of these things are medically appropriate. 

At no time did my vet use fear or try to upsell me on anything.

The bill is $902.

NINE HUNDRED AND TWO DOLLARS
just to take my senior cat to the vet for
BASIC ROUTINE CARE.

Again, NINE HUNDRED AND TWO DOLLARS.

This is just not right.

It's shocking.

It's more than I paid for her echo 6 years ago, and more than I paid for her ultrasound 2 or 3 years ago.

And it's not my vet's fault.

It's not the clinic's fault.

Actually the staff are suffering badly too and I'd bet more than my outrageous vet bill that my vet is underpaid and being treated poorly.

The receptionist told me their ownership is charging THEM for services the labs don't charge!

Do I know where the money is going?

Yep, I sure do.

They are private-equity owned by AmeriVet.

There's not a big ownership chain to the top, and it's headquarted in Abu Dhabi.

This means profits from my small local neighborhood vet clinic

ARE GOING TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

The receptionist also told me they recently got a call from ownership mandating they raise all their prices that day immediately, in addition to what seems like quarterly increases.

This isn't a new problem, it's been going on in vet care and so many other sectors of society for years now.  It's just getting worse. Basic everyday living and society is being plundered and looted... in this case to bring profits- again- TO THE MIDDLE EAST.

This is where we have arrived as a society and even basic vet care is truly no longer accessible for me.

I did put money aside for this visit but this is beyond what any normal person like me can do for basic care.

I feel so deeply violated and there is no other word for it.

This system is intentionally and deliberately exploiting peoples' heart energy, and that activates a great deal of rage in me.

If I take Pebbles back in a year, assuming she's still around, this same appointment will likely cost A THOUSAND DOLLARS. Yes, it's going up that fast.

I cannot.

Can I pay this bill?

My savings will take a hit but yes.

And I need to just pay it off immediately even though I have 6 months interest-free to do so, because I can't have this energy hanging over me, I need to clear it.
It's so toxic to me.

Will I do this again?

No.  I can't.

I simply can't.

And before anyone wants to think in their head problem-solving ASSVICE, just stop it right now.

Switching vets for many logistical reasons isn't an option for me, and also yeah I'm not a dumbass and I have checked around at other vets in my area and they are either physically inaccessible, closed, or it's the same situation.

I have been with my current vet for almost 20 years.

I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO FIND THE SOLUTION TO THIS.

********

I am on an ongoing text thread with 2 college friends.

We mostly discuss painting and cats and sometimes our kids.

One of these friends, we'll call him M, is... let's say.... aligned very differently than I am, and also in an outspoken and extreme way.

I am ok maintaining the relationship as long as he doesn't throw his nasty opinions in my face, which do spill out of him and I stop the conversation. While I don't respect his stance on things, I also believe we need connection energy in the world right now because disconnection energy is just too strong and too prevalent.

In the text thread I mentioned the bill and the reasons for it.

He is the kind who will immediately launch into basic level context-clueless ASSVICE that everyone can think for themselves about. 

(This is the kind of thing that immediately pisses me off, and I'm already mad about the vet bill and my loss of accessible vet care which also means I won't have cats anymore after my three transition out. And that's a whole big upset I need to relegate to the background of my emotions, as it is not my current situation.)

I have previously asked him not to do this several times but he just can't comprehend not doing it, I guess.

I mentioned the private equity ownership issue and his response to it was so...... there really is no other word... ignorant of the situation that's been happening all around the country and I was a bit shocked.

(He actually said there must be laws against that, must be a NY state thing. Wow just wow.)

So I told him he should educate himself on the effects of private equity ownership on society and he got SO ANGRY.  I don't give a crap.  Be angry.  He's clearly not used to someone- especially a woman- (yes he's like that) telling him he's uninformed.

And he kept texting and the more he texted the more he revealed his ignorance, truly.

While saying "I know how private equity works!"

I removed myself from the conversation and I can't interact with him right now.

I'm too angry.

*******

So, I'm trying to move through this intense anger.

I will, it will settle and I'm doing better today than yesterday.

And it's ok for me to be angry, I'm just allowing it.

I initiated a transfer from savings to cover the bill, so I can clear this and move forward.

Bloodwork results for Pebbles are still pending.

Angry Cats & The Jerrys Box

I'm home.
The Amtrak ride was a little over 8 hours, longer than the ride up.

It's because I took a different Amtrak line.  I took the Maple Leaf line up, which goes to Toronto.

Coming back I was on the train that starts at Chicago and physically splits into 2 trains at Albany.

The half of the train going to Boston left first, and the NYC people had a long layover in Albany.

But although it was long, it was probably the most comfortable Amtrak journey I have ever had!

After Syracuse- an hour into the trip- I had 2 seats to myself for the entire ride!

******

Last Thursday, one day before I left for Rochester, I did a refill order of panels and a few other things from Jerrys.

Free shipping, 5-7 business days.

Perfect.

It arrived Saturday late morning.....!!!!!! What??

So, my box was sitting for a couple of days...I was mildly concerned about it, but it was fine.
Thankfully!

All of this is plein air refills.

I ordered 30 panels and I have 9 remaining.

That's kind of funny because that sunflower plein air was #39 for 2026!

****

My cats are upset with me.

I dreamed about them on my second night away.

I was gone one more night than probably I should have been, plus four full days, but I need to live and not be completely cat-trapped.

This trip was my fifth trip away this summer.

Five trips since June... that's a lot! 

It has all been good, but I need a break from multi-night trips for a little while.

I think my head needs a break too.

So, now that Labor Day is over, the summer is informally over.

I have to work Fridays now!

My mindset will switch to Fall, and I'm not really ready yet.

Summer went by so fast.

It has been a wonderful summer and a disappointing summer all at the same time.

I guess that's life sometimes.

Jimmy & Jackson & Upstate

My friend Teresa, who I have been friends with for almost 25 years, lost 2 very special cats.

It's the kind of situation that needed a gift painting.

Of course I left it to the last minute...and last-minute for oil painters means factoring in lots of drying time.

This is about a 10-hour painting, and I had to do it all at once over about 48 hours because it's a wet-in-wet painting, no dry layers. I needed to do it while the paint was still open.
Both cats showed up very strongly at the beginning of the painting, they were very happy about it, then about halfway through they disappeared.

Even though this is a rainbow bridge painting, the cats and Dru (thanks Dru!) felt no rainbow things were needed.

9x12 oil

Pebbles wanted to pose with the painting:

*******

Today I took Amtrak up to Rochester to see Teresa for the weekend.

It's a long train ride- about 7 hours- but since I brought oil paint, I didn't want to deal with the hassle of airline security.

The train trip is a lot longer but was cheaper than flying and is generally no-stress.

Teresa loved the painting.

She lives in a gorgeous area, right on Lake Ontario, and she isn't too far from the finger lakes region.

In the evening we took a short walk around one of the parks, I forgot which one it was but it's nice wetlands.  I do get into nature a lot but what I almost never get is large open space-- which I miss sometimes and I really enjoyed upstate.

Minnie

******

I stayed in Teresa's basement.

I LOVE Teresa's basement!

It's my kind of space- a little weird and very comfortable.

It has 4 main large rooms plus I'm not sure how many secret rooms!

The secret rooms are awesome!

Also there is a disused claw foot bathtub with cellos in it, a pencil sharpener in the bathroom, a whole entire extra kitchen, a piano, and a very old computer that Teresa holds on to because it has a large collection of Steely Dan on it.

It is good to see my friend and have a bit of an environment change.

Kitty Isis says hi

She does this a lot while I'm working when she wants something.

It's very effective.

Kind-of Spring

Last night I was on the hotline, and it was the first time I left my apartment since Sunday afternoon.

That's one of the reasons the hotline is good for me; it forces me to leave!

This is definitely a work-from-home issue.

Honestly I probably had 2 more days of not leaving my apartment in me.

Now I might not leave again until Saturday.

Yesterday was the first time since Thursday I didn't work late.

I am slammed at work and will be into April.

But it is good and I don't mind.

I'm making updates on a huge project I did 5 years ago.

It's work that has been most of my career but I haven't been doing much of for a while just because of natural job evolution. So, I have had to remember how to do my job!

I have been mentally engaged at work in a way I haven't been for a while and I'm enjoying it.

It's refreshing.  Also, I built some damn good files in 2021!

*******

March is going quickly and I'm glad. I wouldn't mind jumping straight to May, to kayak season.

I came home in a midnight thunderstorm last night and it's still dark and raining now.

So it's a dreary day and today I feel a little weird, a little off, slightly wobbly, but everything is ok.

********

Every Spring I go to Sephora and get a new lip gloss.

And sometimes a new fragrance.

It's a nice way to feel new and refreshed.

This year I got one of these (09 Maple Glaze) and it's perfect.

It is not even a little bit sticky and it stays on.

I also got this fragrance, which is amazing.

********

So, I feel ready to be out and about and feeling good.

I'm preparing for the warm season, preparing for camping, preparing for kayak season.

*******

Here is a pile of cats, just because.

Deep Winter Hibernating

I have been hibernating.

All of January and so far all of February.

This hibernation period will likely last at least through the end of this month, maybe a little bit into March.

It is deep winter right now.

Time to settle, rest, shift, recalibrate, regenerate.

I am shifting and regenerating.

Overall, I feel amazing inside and out, and I am thoroughly enjoying this short hibernation phase.

It's a very special time and I will look back at it fondly with appreciation.

It makes sense to come into hibernation after last year.

Last year was very intense, and a rest and recalibration is good.

I have been doing very deep inner work, every day.

I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing, preparing internally to go wherever I am supposed to go. 

I feel so good. 

And that's very intentional, it's not an unknown random thing.

I need to do this inner work, and while I am doing all the things I need to do like work, the hotline, maintaining my apartment, and also keeping in touch with friends, I feel like I'm in a nice safe bubble of time and space that is exactly what I need to germinate new seeds.

It's a little weird because I am mostly home alone all the time, sometimes for days without going out, yet I don't feel isolated or lonely. This time is so calm and peaceful and I'm finding things deep in my psyche that are saying it's time to shift to new growth. 

This deep winter hibernation is wonderful.

It's like a long ongoing meditation.

And when it ends, whenever that is, I will be ready for it to end.

***********

Daya and I are fine, right back to how things are supposed to be.

If she ever writes another stupid no contact note, I'm going to have trouble taking it seriously.

We are not even a month into the Juilliard semester and she has needed stuff from home, food, and yesterday her phone screen broke so I'm helping her with that too.

Being a parent is REALLY WEIRD, even when your kid is an adult.

***********

As of today, I haven't painted for almost 2 weeks.

That's a long time for me.

I think the painting part of me also needs to hibernate and rest.

Between weather and schedule, plein air painting has not been possible yet this year.

That's why going to class is good, it keeps me painting even if I'm not painting at home or outdoors.

I do have a commission that's been hanging over me but it's not coming out right. 

Dru helped, said it's not that bad, and I haven't touched it since.  

It should be an easy painting but I also can't really paint right now.

Even in class the painting I'm working on is currently a bit of a slog... but it doesn't matter. 

There is no time limit on it, no deadline.

I would like to get that commission done and shipped, but I also want it to be good, and I can't paint right now so it has to wait.

Last year I did 59 plein air paintings... plus whatever studio work. 

FIFTY NINE!

That's a LOT. 

My internal painting systems have shut down for internal maintenance.

This does happen, it's ok.

The weather is now paintable weather, and I'm planning to get out tomorrow and start 2026 plein airing.

This will hopefully get my painting engines starting up again.

And if they don't, that's also ok because I am still hibernating after all.

The last plein air I did was Dec 27.

So this is a month and a half plein air break- it might be enough.

I'll find out tomorrow if I have my flow back or not.

**********

Here are some hibernating cat pictures.

2 out of 3 cats are mostly hibernating too.

Guess who isn't hibernating but I wish she would?

Pebbles.

Of course it's Pebbles.

Painting Plans Squelched

Here it is, Wednesday morning, and I haven't left my apartment at all since I got home Sunday night.

As of today I'm off work until Monday and thought it might be a good idea for me to.... leave my apartment.....

So I was going to go to BBG again to paint but the wind is gusting at 34mph so that's out.

Well, I'm on the hotline tonight so I'll have to go out later anyhow.

It's ok, I'm still processing Daya's note.

It was extra-shitty for her to drop that on me for the holidays.

It doesn't make any damn sense but when she's in a bad mental spiral, she's irrational.

I'm angry, very sad, I feel betrayed and used, and at risk of sounding like a little kid, it really just isn't fair. At all.

I have voices in my head saying "I'm the common denominator" in all these lost relationships- mother, sister, father, daughter..... losing all these relationships is significant.  On some deep level I think it is somehow my fault, I have internalized it as something wrong with me. 

On my logical surface, though, I know that isn't true.

The common denominator isn't me, it's the mental illness.

Look at what they have in common with each other.

All the people mentioned, with the exception of my father who has very severe childhood trauma but isn't mentally ill (I don't think?).... all these relationships are with people who have impossible mental issues. People who have trouble with other people and relationships in general.  Well, I don't know about my sister in present time, but she definitely had problems when I knew her.

I was talking to Sharon about it, and aside from.... well Daya, I don't have trouble with people.

I have friends, amazing friends.

Including several long-term healthy deep friendships with a diverse range of people.

I'm able to connect with people in all the different places I go, I don't have problems there.

I don't think I could have kept my same job for 19 1/2 years if I couldn't get along with others??

That has to say something about me?

Even when looking at these failed core family relationships?

Yes I am trying to convince myself.

I truly don't think I was a bad parent.

I think I did the best anyone could have with a horrible circumstance.

And I got my kid to Juilliard.

My mother really was a horrible parent, it's understandable her 2 children separated from her.

But so did everyone else! Even her sister, who she was always so close with.

No one could have a relationship with her.

But I don't think I was such a bad parent, and perfection is NOT a requirement to being a good parent.

So how did I end up at the same place as my mother??

Isis approves of staying in.

*********

When Grace came to visit last week, she brought a little container of microgreens from Whole Foods.

I don't shop there and have never seen them.... 

Oh my god I need to always put them on everything, they are amazing!

So I said to Grace, let's go find microgreens in my neighborhood!

We went for a long walk and stopped at all the places a person could stop that might have microgreens.

No one has microgreens.

So I ended up just growing them myself.

How convenient I still have my old grow light!

They sprouted today.

...I hope the cats don't eat them.....

No More Gallons??

I go through a gallon of solvent every three years or so.

The gallon I have been working through is from November 2022.

(I wrote it on the jug....)

There are only a few inches of solvent left at the bottom, i'm running out and need more so off to Blick I went. Three years ago a gallon was about $52.

I was wondering how much the price has gone up since then.

Unfortunately I never really found out because due to some stupid new VOC law, SELLING AND SHIPPING OF GALLON-SIZED GAMSOL IS NO LONGER LEGAL IN NY STATE.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

I assure and guarantee you, my artist Gamsol is NOT the cause of environmental pollutants!

Certainly not a mere gallon container of it!

How about we start with all the nasty industrial waste and construction??

And airplanes and cars?

And plastic everything?

And fast fashion?
No, that's all fine, but I am no longer legally allowed to buy Gamsol in a gallon.

I CAN buy HALF the amount for $50 now though.

So this law makes my materials cost more expensive because I cannot buy in bulk which is a bit of a discount.

YES I need a gallon, I always have a lot of solvent settling after each use, which gets to be quite a lot because I'm out plein airing all the time.  I usually have 2 jugs of solvent settling for re-use, plus my gallon jug of clean solvent for when I really just need a refill. 

It takes over a week for it to get nice and clean again. 

The longer it sits the better.

I did try and order online thru Blick, they have it on sale for $60 (down from $80) but they won't ship it to me.

I AM SO TIRED OF LIFE GETTING STUPIDER 

AND MORE DIFFICULT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.

My solvent jars drying out between use, studio and plein air:

Time Change Cats

Phew, I am feeling so much better today!

And it's so nice outside!

I have egg tempera class in a little while, I'm doing a master copy which is twisting my head around. That's ok and normal, it's good learning.

I haven't posted cat pictures for a little while so here they are...

This stupid thing is finally done

Last year Andrew and I won the boathouse regatta.

Andrew did the paddling, I was his pirate strategy coach.

We won by cheating, which is what you're supposed to do.

The winner of the regatta makes next year's trophy.

Andrew had a Vision and we have been collaborating.

This thing is HUGE and has been in my apartment since January or something like that.

My job was to paint the background, and Andrew is doing I don't know what to it... it'll likely be dreadfully tacky but that's what makes it fun.

Yesterday Martin texted me and said we want to have the regatta on Labor Day.

Huh, that's short notice!

Good thing I had just finished this thing over the weekend!

So I brought it down to the boathouse...hopefully Andrew will show up and do whatever dreadful thing he has planned....

Pebbles helped.

Kind-of.

Morning Paddle, Trapped in SA, & Pebbles

I woke up early and went on the water early.

It was windy but the movement and exercise was good.  

I paddled laps for an hour.

Poop Offenders on the water........

I think the grape kool aid is working though, the dock isn't covered in goose poop.

I don't know if this boat is a parks boat or the oyster people again.

ooohhh look who was on the dock......

*******

Daya is stuck in Cape Town now not because there aren't flights- but because now no one has money to get her home.

She starts a job on Monday at Juilliard, if she misses any training she will lose the job.

I'm not getting involved.

I'm the only person who is astounded by the complete lack of planning and last-minute arrangements.

She's safe; I'm not worried.

Also, she's very happy over there.

She can figure this one out without me.

********

Pebbles is no longer on the crazy special diet.

She will stay on the prednisone.

She's eating Fancy Feast Senior and she's gained 1/4 of a pound, and the vet said she's looking better than she has for a long time.