Positive Nonviolent Discipline (PRT)

PROLOGUE
This is a really rambly ranty post. I set out intending to be concise but that didn't happen.

START RANT
A friend of mine shared this Facebook video.
I watched it once and I can't watch it again, it has got me so upset.

PLEASE take a moment to look at these pages which are a starting resource to change understanding of corporeal punishment and learn non-violent approaches to dealing with conflict and discipline.

http://www.slideshare.net/srjojofma/positive-discipline

http://www.hands.org.gy/files/Parenting%20Handbook.pdf

http://www.nonviolenceeducation.com/nonviolentdiscipline.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/

https://suzukiassociation.org/news/25-nonviolent-discipline-options/

It is NEVER ok to hit a child. 

There are far more effective ways to correct 

and manage your kid. 

Hitting them is "justified" violence and bullying.

It is abusive.

Nothing, absolutely nothing will ever convince me otherwise.
This video really hit my nerves and my heart on so many levels.

*********
I don't believe in punishment.
I DO believe in consequences.
I DO believe in discipline.

Punishment is making someone suffer because they did something "wrong" so they have to be intentionally hurt because of it.

Consequences are the natural outcome of one's actions, positive or negative.

There are, of course, times when a person must be disabled of their ability to commit acts which hurt themselves or others.

But I want to talk about children right now, not adults, not criminals.

*********

The child in the video was definitely needing correction and guidance, and he's probably a smart-ass but beating the crap out of him is just awful.  That's not going to solve anything.  He'll learn that when he is an adult it will be ok to hit others smaller and younger (or his girlfriend/wife)

He has also learned that he cannot get help or protection, that because he is a child he can be bullied by those in authority.

This is a horrible message at best, and a very dangerous one at worst.

AND- No one is willing to assist the mother in learning better parenting skills.  

She doesn't know any better.  She needs help too!!!

*******
It certainly is very possible to be a parent instead of a friend and never hit your kids.
I'll never be parent of the year (or even parent of the day) but I do think Daya is a great kid and she pretty much listens (almost always on the important stuff) and we don't have a lot of "discipline" issues. We DO communicate a whole lot and I never hit her.  I can't even consider it, not even hypothetically. I don't mind being scary but I can't stomach the thought of hurting her.

Perfecting the Terrifying-Lazer-Mom-Stare-of-the-Apocalypse is imperative.
It's ok for kids to be a little bit afraid of their parents. But not because they will get the crap beaten out of them.

Daya absolutely HATES the Terrifying Lazer-Mom glare.
I'm so good at it that several times she has stopped whatever she was doing just because she didn't want "The Look".

I am good at being non-violently scary.
Daya regularly tells me I am scary.
But I never hit her, ever, and I never will.

PLEASE DO NOT HIT YOUR CHILDREN

http://www.slideshare.net/srjojofma/positive-discipline

END RANT

EPILOGUE THOUGHTS
During the writing of this blog post Daya was in the bathroom and she knocked over the cup that has all my makeup brushes. I went in to see what happened.  It isn't worth getting mad over.  Accidents happen, it's not a big deal. Daya had to pick everything up, and when her friend goes home she has to wash all my makeup brushes.  I'll show her how and then she has to do it.  That's all.

All kids need guidance and correction in order to (hopefully) become decent human beings who are an asset to society. When I need to, I take away privileges such as electronics or computer time. Daya lost her $20 metrocard so she had to pay for it with her allowance.

If Daya starts having academic problems in school due to either skipping school or not doing her work, she knows dance will be the first thing to go. (She got a straight A report card so I am not too worried about school)

Occasionally (not often) I get REALLY MAD at Daya.
She remembers these times much better than I do.
I was furious when she lost her phone this past May. Because she didn't follow the phone rules I must have gone over about a thousand times...., (Keep your phone charged, keep it in your purse when you aren't using it)  So, yeah, I was really furious. And I said so and she sure knew it but I never even thought about hitting her.

***********
Yes is yes and no is no.
As parents we definitely need to make threats sometimes...the trick is to never make a threat you aren't willing to follow through on. And TALK to your kids.  Communicate with them in an age-appropriate way.

You CAN reason with an 8 year old.
You CANNOT reason with a toddler. They do need immediate feedback but they don't need the crap beaten out of them, ever.

*********
I had a notorious troublemaker child over once, he was acting terribly. I informed him his mother was goig to know about it.  This child (he was 7) looked me right in the face and said "What's she going to do? Smack me and yell and say not to do it again? I don't care. It's not going to work. I'll just do it again."

This was a child in desperate need of enforced boundaries.
His mother once yelled herself red in the face at him for 20 minutes about how he wasn't going on an easter egg hunt, then when he calmed down she started packing his things to go.

I said "What? You just spent 20 minutes telling him he can't go."
She said she would feel bad if he missed out.
And she regularly hit her child.
Real effective.

Daya's Name

I often get asked about how Daya got her name.  It's a good story.

While I firmly believe that everyone should name their babies after me (Carey), I myself would not do that. It is much better to have someone else name their child after you.  But I was pregnant and the baby needed a name.

I certainly didn't know what to name a baby.  I did know Daya was a girl (I knew that at 2 weeks and I was correct), so I thought about girl names.  A name is a gift- it is important.  I did have certain criteria- I wanted it to begin with either a D or a J, it had to be uncommon (at least in my culture) but not obnoxious, and it had to have a good meaning.

Being completely at a loss, I decided to ask the baby what her name was.  Maybe she would tell me.  So I asked, and I waited to encounter a name- not just once, but several times. I was on alert.  And that is exactly what happened.  I encountered Daya at work, when I was doing some training.  It was the last name of the training host.  And then I heard it in my midwife's office.  And then- the Gayatri mantra found me.  The last word of the mantra is "dayat"- which is a conjugation of the Sanskrit word daya.

So, the baby's name was Daya.  I did not tell anyone her name until after she was born.  Not even her father, but he didn't care anyhow.

In Sanskrit, Daya means divine kindness and mercy.   In Hindu culture, it is a very popular name.

Daya is one of the five fundamental teachings of the Sikh religion.

It is a very powerful spiritual name.  It is her gift, and also her lesson.

Daya at the Temple of Dendur

The Swimsuit Actually Still Fits

Last Year:



This Year:



You weren't really expecting a picture of me, were you?

Reaction

This is a few days delayed but I've needed that time to think and collect thoughts.

I am so deeply saddened by the shootings in Virginia earlier this week. It's so tragic and horrible. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

My reaction to it is that law enforcement needs to take non-physical violence far more seriously than it does. Of course this means resources on an already overburdened system and I don't have a good answer or solution to that because I feel there are so many factors involved in why these things are happening en masse to begin with. But the police do need to take things seriously even with no history of previous physical violence.

*****
Right after I had Daya things got even worse at home than they had been previously. I was extremely quiet and withdrawn; that was my defense. To appear weak and immobilized, lost in depression. Incapable of doing anything.

When Daya was 11 days old, the ex came home frome wherever he had been for the past four days. He came home for less than 10 minutes, just to tell me that he "had a vision" that the baby and I would be found dead in the apartment. He said it "was confirmed" and would definitely happen.

I took that pretty seriously. Seriously enough to call the police. The police told me that since he hadn't hit me, there was nothing they could do except file a complaint of harassment, which wouldn't even keep him away from me. Even though he is an expert martial artist. Even though he has firearms training. Even though he was crazy in the head. Even though he had said those words of his newborn baby girl.

What I think could very feasibly have happened, had I not moved out less than a week later, isn't a far stretch in my mind. The ex was crazy and that was dangerous because it meant he was unpredictable in his actions, regardless of previous known history. He was finished with me, that was made very, very clear. He also made it clear that he changed his mind and "couldn't" be tied down with responsibilities after all, meaning Daya. He said normal rules of humans didn't apply to him because he was god's special messenger. I was simply excess to him, something he used up and no longer needed. Something that could be discarded without a second thought. (Meaning he built up his social network, had a new woman to be parasite to, resources, and thought he had his greencard secured.)

That gives us a man who is expertly trained in the art of killing along with a total lack of conscience or sense of empathy or personal wrongdoing. And a motive. Very, very dangerous. It would have been so easy for him to have done something and make it look like a post-partum depression suicide/infant murder. So easy. Too easy, in fact, especially because it was no secret that I was not emotionally well during the pregnancy or afterwards. Add to that whatever he was telling people. And it would most probably have worked. Because people loved him and would have sworn on their lives he'd never do such a thing. Because of his way of presenting himself, and because no one knew the truth of what was going on in our home. And he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, he'd be clear and free to go about his life of parasitical charm. And he'd get a ton of sympathy and attention from such a horrible thing happening...playing up his anguish...I can see it so clearly.

My story continued to a much happier place, for which I am beyond thankful.

Which cannot be said for those poor souls mowed down by one man's insanity.

Which could have and should have been prevented.

Solar Plexus

I'm waxing verbose today!

Guess everything is ready to come out.

That uncomfy feeling? It's my solar plexus acting up again. It's nowhere near as bad as it was at this time last year though.

Let me explain. When everything happened and I moved out, something happened to my solar plexus. I don't know if I sustained some sort of metaphysical injury or it was just a manifestation of what I was going through, the fear and insecurity, but I had some really bad pain and discomfort for a long time. I'm not talking at all about physical injury- my chakra was somehow hurt or damaged in the front. And that hurts just as much as physical pain. It took a long time to heal- 7, 8 months.

So my solar plexus hurts now, again. Which explains why it's taking a while to go away.

*******
There's some scary stuff that happened that I never talked about to anyone...it's not the kind of stuff I can really discuss with people. Because its weird-scary stuff.

Things started happening around my apartment when the X started going crazy and being generally evil. I know that he was bringing stuff home, so to speak. Some of it on purpose. Looking back, I should have gotten SO MAD about that, most especially since I was pregnant. Except getting SO MAD would have been dangerous though, and I knew it, which accounts for my exaggerated passivity.

***
My bedroom in 204 had its own bathroom. The mirror over the sink faced out into the bedroom. As a rule, even way before I met the X, I never slept in a room with uncovered mirrors. They are doorways. I knew that. What I never had direct experience with was things coming through them. Something very malicious started coming through that mirror. I was awake and aware of it when it first happened. I felt it. I told the X and he said he'd take care of it. And he sort-of did, except his patch-up solutions never held up for very long. I saw his patch job on the dreamscape. It had hands and patrolling the barrier. But the patch job never held up long, and when things came broke out, they always did right at the 3am hour. I would have those waking dreams about it. The X had a katana that never shut up. Ironically enough, it helped me on more than one occasion. I don't know if any mystical kanji teaching still exists, but kanji can be used very effectively in energy work, much like runes. In lucid dreams, the sword showed me sequences to block the mirror-doorway. It wanted a kanji to seal but I don't have a kanji database in my mind. Eventually I broke the mirror with the sword in the lucid dream state, and things got much better after that.

Then, whatever was trying to get through hit the other mirror in the other bathroom. That was never as much of a problem, though.

**
My cat does not spook easily. One evening I came home from work and found her absolutely stark terrified. Her water dish was always kept in the bathroom in the bedroom, and it was knocked over, very far from its original location. The cat wouldn't go near the bedroom for hours. And she had to be coaxed back in gradually. I still never know what terrified her so.

**
Daya was born on a Wednesday. The Saturday before she was born I was home alone (as usual) . I had been home all day and in the evening went to the kitchen to make dinner. My kitchen sink was filled with bloody water. I was in shock;   Then, with no action from me whatsoever, it drained away.

Tigers and Teeth

Daya update email

Mar 5, 2006

Hi everyone!

I am 3 1/2 months old.  Because I am so big, people
always think that I am about 6 months old.  They are
always so suprised to hear that I'm still mostly
brand-new.

People like me because I am very cute and I have lots
of hair.  So they do nice things for me.  A few nights
ago my mom and I were on our way home.  We were
waiting for the bus, and it was very, very cold
outside.  An off-duty bus driver picked us up!  We
didn't stop until all the way to when we got home.
That bus driver is a very nice man.

My mom gave me her Tiger.  He lives in my crib.  She
says he's very special because she had him since she
was three years old.  (I am not sure what three years
old is)  But I like him a lot.  I like his stripes.
Every night he helps me fall asleep.  We have a nice
long chat with each other, then he snuggles with me.
I put pictures in to show you.

My mouth is doing funny things.  I'm starting to itch
or something.  My mom says it's because I am just
starting to teethe.  I'm not sure what teeth are but
they don't sound good.  I hope it stops soon.

I think my cat wants to be friends.  One time she
sniffed my hand before she ran away really fast.  That
must be a definite sign of friendship.  I am convinced
we are building the foundation of a lasting
relationship.

Enjoy the pictures!

Love,
Daya (and Jessica)

3 Month Update

Archiving old emails from when Daya was a baby into my blog.

**********
Feb 2006

Hi everyone,

I turned 3 months old last week.  In celebration, I got:
1 (one) shot from the doctor and
2 (two) ears pierced!

I barely cried at all.

I am HUGE. I already weigh 15.4lbs, and I am 25 1/2
inches long.  The doctor said I am in the 98th
percentile for size and growth.  In the last month, I
gained 4 lbs!!

Mom says that because I am 3 months old it's time
for me to try and sleep through the night.  I don't
think this is a very good idea.  Mom keeps saying
something about how I'm old enough now to learn and it would
be really great because she has not had an
uninterrupted night's sleep for 7 months.  Unfortunately the
doctor is on her side. I think I need a new doctor.

I have 2 hands!  They're really cool.  Mom keeps
saying someting about I have feet too, but I don't
know what the heck she's talking about.

I want to talk sooo badly, and I'll have a good
conversation with anyone who will listen.  And talk
back.  The cat won't talk back to me though, she
just runs away.

Yesterday I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
It was my very first museum trip ever.  People
looked at me instead of the paintings, and lots of people
kept saying they loved my leopard print socks. 

When I was at the museum we went to the gift store
and I picked out some fun presents for my friends Yumiko
and Miu who live in Japan.  I think it's cool that I
already have friends all over the world.

My mom says she'll teach me to paint, too, when I
get just a little bit bigger.  I think I will paint
better than those museum paintings.

Mom keeps trying to get a picture with me and the
cat,but the cat doesn't like me very much (yet).  She
won't sit anywhere near me, so I took pictures with
my horse instead.  (Thanx Christine for my horse!)

Thanks to **everyone** who has given me such nice
things.  You are all so wonderful and thoughtful.

Check out the attached Word document for the latest
pictures of me!  There are 4 pages.  Don't forget to
look at my leopard socks!

Love,
Daya (and Jessica)

Terrible Photos

Daya refused to take decent holiday pictures. I got one picture, from over 40 bad shots and two photo sessions.

Here is how she felt about having the picture taken:





And the one sort-of decent picture!

Differing Views

As of yesterday, it has been one year since I moved out. And I forgot, which is a great thing.

Daya loves her pacifiers. She doesn't have a favorite, she just loves them all.

I do NOT love them and am just biding my time until they all disappear for good.

No More Baby

Over the past few weeks, a slow and sinking realization has been settling in: I don't have a baby anymore.

I have a toddler.

Oh. My. God.

I am very, very scared.

Does this mean I actually (really and truly) have to stick to a routine more involved than waking up at the same time and going to sleep at more or less the same time? And change my bad habits stemming from the laziness acquired from living alone?

Oh Shit.

!Tengo Vergüenza!

Today started a new day with the new babysitter. I was to bring Daya there at 8am. An extra hour in the morning for me, no more busses or crazy travel. I set my alarm for 1 hour ahead. Everything went according to plan. I dropped Daya off down the hall, and stopped home to get my laptop. Clock said 8:15. Great.

On the train, I looked out the window at one of the station clocks to check my time. Why did it say 7:36? I seriously thought that the subway people forgot to change the clocks a few weeks ago. But I still had a suspicion...

...that was confirmed when I got to work at exactly 8am. I called the sitter to apologize, they said it was fine but I am so embarassed. On the first day too!!!

Since the new sitter doesn't speak a word of English, I need to remember all of my Spanish.

Here are my words of today:

desempaquetar- to unpack
vacunacion- vaccination

Last Day on the Q10

Today is our last day going to see Neashaw. I cried when I told her Daya and I were moving, and Neashaw cried last night. Switching babysitters won't be easy, Daya is literally a part of Neashaw's family. This whole thing is Neashaw's fault anyhow because she was burning that money incense. And it's a good circumstance for everyone, the good-byes are just hard.

I will NOT miss the Q10 bus though. But I've spoken to a lot of really nice strangers on the bus over this past year, and people know who I am, they recognize me from my daily routine. They like Daya.

First Birthday

Exactly one year ago I was in the hospital with a needle in my spine and an oxygen mask. And huge baby that was STILL stuck underneath my right ribs.

Then, right after 1pm, exactly on her due date, Daya appeared after forcible removal by c-section.

Here she is, exactly one year later, in her mop-head impish glory.

Happy Birthday Daya!

It's Don't Get Dressed Day!

No, it's NOT Naked Day (sorry), but it is the day to not give a squat what you're wearing.

See, I was up at 4am. Woke up from a dream that I was packing, and I thought I was awake. But I wasn't, which means that none of the packing that I did in my dream actually got done. So I was very bummed.

I broke my sugar-free vegan fast with a Lindt White Chocolate truffle. At around 4:10am. Oh sweet Goddess.

Then, because I really did have to come into the office today, I decided I should get dressed. Except I didnt feel like it. So I'm wearing the same (yoga) pants I wore yesterday and a little t-shirt that probably lies just outside the bounds of the dress code. And my old doc maartens. And since I didnt get dressed today, neither did Daya. She's still in her purple fleecy feet pajamas, at the sitter's house.

Some days you just have to do these things.

The Grumpy Pumpkin

Well, she really wasn't as grumpy as she looks...

Today is the last day of my vegan-sugar free month. I think I need to pick a different discipline next time. Not dietary. I can do dietary discipline standing on my head, backwards, with my eyes closed. There's no challenge in it. I have actually maintained my sugar-free status and there is white chocolate in my apartment- the good quality stuff too.

Something with sleep...now that would be hard. I'll take sleep over food any time.

2L or...2L

So I networked with some single moms in the area, and met one of them on Saturday. There is an available 2 bedroom apartment available right above her. It's a great apartment going for a really great price. Of course I was interested.

I told my landlord, and he offered me a one bedroom in his other building, for $80 more a month. Its a *huge* one bedroom. Did I say huge? Actually its bigger than the 2 bedroom and has 5 closets and a great kitchen and bathroom. And parquet floors. I tearfully have to change babysitters...the super's wife will watch Daya for $300 a month LESS than what I'm paying right now. And she's right down the hall. That almost offsets the increase in rent. There are several other factors as well (train, mail, laundry, elevator, friends close by, commute), so I am taking the one bedroom and will be moving sometime next month.

Both apartments are number 2L. I got chills when I heard that.

I am so, so, so excited to start living a decent quality of life. This is a huge upgrade for me. I'll have room for the bookshelves I desperately need. Even more importantly, I'll have a place to put Daya's clothing. And other basic furniture that I have no room for currently. Daya will have room to walk around.

And my cat will be happy.

Gender Un-Bender

When Daya was the size of a peanut, everyone thought she was a boy. Despite being dressed head to toe in pink and sporting pierced ears.

Apparently, the mix-up is over. Because now, I can dress her in green and black and people know she's a girl! Even without the requisite ponytail!

Morning Glitch

This morning I got a phone call at 6:30am. When I saw the caller ID, I immediately knew I had no childcare arrangements for the day.

That can be a really sticky and scary thing when its just you, and there's no family to fall back on. Thankfully my fabulous amazing friends took Daya for today.

Apparently I have a backup care benefit from work, which I made sure I was actually registered for this morning. It costs a little $$, but at least its there. And it got me thinking...I leave Daya with others all the time. She's used to it and she doesn't mind. But I've only left her with 3 people she and I both know very well. Including the babysitter. And the other two practically count as one person. I'd be really scared to leave her at a daycare center. Firstly, because I don't trust them for kids under a certain age, and secondly, it would be a totally new environment with no familiar people.

I hope I never have to find out how that would go.

11 Seconds of Fame

Beth featured me and Daya on her very first Fabulous Friday!

Wow, I feel honored.

I'm also getting a really crazy feeling of deja-vu (add your own accent marks dammit) right now.

Oh hey, its Friday the 13th!

Great Friends

My friends, who love Daya, told me to get a boyfriend so I can leave Daya with them more often.

Seriously, that's some awesome friendship!