Shock

Today is June 1.

I have a hope for this month, 2 trips planned, and all Fridays off until Labor Day.

May exited with a deep shock, I will not write specifics here except to say on Friday night I got news that was so deeply shocking I felt like I got hit by a truck. Literally. 

I found out something about someone I know that....... I can't reconcile it, and it's bad.

There has only been one other time in my life that I was in a similar state of shock.

I'm not going through it alone though.

It is a very complex multi-layered situation, made worse by who this person is.

Support is available, and I was reached out to.  I was going to wait to come out of shock to see if I needed to talk, but support came sooner and it helped, but this will be a process.

It's the kind of thing that forever changes the people it impacts.

I was completely out of commission Friday night, all day Saturday, and yesterday as well.

The hotline moved my shift from last night to the early morning shift.

I did the shift and I'm glad I did- otherwise a new volunteer would have been alone, and she needed support.  They moved me so she wouldn't be alone and I'm glad I was there.

Also, the early morning shift was chill and quiet, more than the evening shift would be, and I needed that.

There is something about the hotline space that is very stabilizing and comforting.

What I learned doesn't change my daily life.

It does change others' daily lives around me.

I'm on the periphery and the impact was intense........

I can't believe how much it HURTS.

As of this morning the pain I felt for the last 2 days seems to be on pause, but I might just be exhausted.

My system might just be taking a break.  We'll see.

This is a thing that needs time.

Painting Finished, Cheeze Wheel Pasta, and a Note

Painting Finished

Our egg tempera show is in January.

I have been working on a Fillippo Lippi master copy since October.

It's a very difficult painting that has scrambled my head.

But I have learned so much, absorbed so much.

It's not even anything I can put into words, it's more of absorbing an experience, a process, a mindset.

Doug has been wonderfully encouraging.

This afternoon I suddenly hit a Wall.

It was unexpected.

Suddenly, I couldn't see anything else to do on the painting.

This required Doug and his perspective and critique.

He said I probably hit a Wall because it's done.

He pointed out a few VERY subtle tweaky things, which I did.

Karen found one more that is so little and tweaky it probably doesn't even matter but I'm still glad she found it. If this painting passed Doug and Karen, it's good to go.

I'll put it in its own blog post with the progress pictures over this week... I have to do some touch-up on the gold at home. But the painting part is done! phew!

Cheeze Wheel Pasta

After class, I met up with Janae for our annual tradition of Cheeze Wheel Pasta.

The booth is smaller but the pasta is the same.  This is definitely a once-a-year indulgence and it was worth it. I haven't eaten any carbs in 2 days and I got a Carb Coma.  

No regrets.

A Note
Daya stopped home while I was out, and I came home to find a note saying she doesn't want to be in contact for the foreseeable future.

This has hit me completely unexpectedly. A sideways blindside.

She's not doing well with her mental health, I am aware of that.

She is in therapy at school.  In Sept/Oct we were in good communication, she was sharing some very personal stuff with me, reaching out, and I guess she got worse (again) in November.

And now she's removing me.

She says "not forever" but honestly that note has split me into pieces and has deeply hurt me.

It's not the first time she has broken our relationship, only to reconnect and break it again.

It also doesn't make sense why she would even write it, given that she doesn't live with me, I have barely seen her since last June, and we haven't had much contact for the last couple of months.

So I don't know why she just couldn't...do what she needed to do.... without announcing it in such a cutting way.  She did not give a reason other than she needs to work on herself and her healing.

I'm so, so tired of this.

I think Daya has the thing that runs on my family.

She reminds me so much of my mother and my sister. Since late elementary school.

My uncle had something wrong too (I found a letter a few years ago from the 1980s written by his wife BEGGING for help) and I think my cousin had it too.  (She died in her early 20s from drug/alcohol abuse.)

I have lost everyone in my immediate family either due to this mental illness or from the damage it caused to everyone else. I don't stand a chance against it. I don't think I deserve this treatment, and now that Daya is an adult it's different than when I was dealing with her intense hostility when she was a teen. I don't HAVE to do anything for her. And I have helped her a lot since September, she has needed my help and support and she got it.

The Juilliard bill is not paid, I tried since early December to get the actual balance from her and now I don't really see why I should pay it. I can't give her a check anyhow, and I never pay online because the fees are ridiculous. So I chased it, I tried, now I'm stopping.  She can deal with it.

I think Daya does need serious help, I am glad she is in therapy and she should definitely be working on herself and getting stable, but I also disagree with how she's going about it. But if she wants to be disconnected from me, so be it, but I don't have to continue to help and support someone who wants nothing to do with me. It makes me feel used and stepped on. It makes me feel like garbage.

Before she turned 18 I had no choice, now I do.

It hurts, a lot, and I'm deeply sad about it. I wish it was different.

I always wanted a good relationship with her, I thought we were getting there slowly kind-of, but I've been through this enough to know I have to accept it and also protect myself.

I wish things were different, and I wish this kind of stuff wasn't my "normal", but it is and here we are.

Happy fucking holidays.

I am the Queen of Dumb Anxiety

There are 44 more days in 2025 to get through.

It's time to formalize my morning and evening routines.

While I have always had stuff to do to start the day, and also end it (like everyone else in the world), it can be somewhat fluid which is ok.

But when I really need extra stability, it's time to make and print my routine checklists.

And follow them exactly.

Every day.

I did this for an entire year in 2006- that was a bad year.

I was not ok for any of it but the stable formal structure of beginning and ending the day helped tremendously. It acts like a brace to get through the days.

This isn't something that needs to go on forever, but it's good to get really formal about it in hard times.

I don't like to have to think or remember stuff, and also I'm lazy so I have to make everything as simple as possible, and doing prep work makes everything a lot easier to handle. Especially because I get overwhelmed very easily, everything will fall out of my brain, and I will just shut down.

************

Kayak season is over.

My body started to feel it.

If I don't get enough HARD physical exercise, and if I eat worse than usual for a couple of days, I really feel it. 

I need to be careful and keep in good physical shape.

Hard physical exercise (low impact, I care about my joints) is absolutely necessary to help regulate my nervous system, which is so fried and fragile even with all the self-care I take.

So now that I can't go on the water all the time, it's time to resume Crossrope and also get back to the pool. Crossrope, no prob, I started up again last week, I do my workouts at home. Easy.

*************

The pool........ well, I am the Queen of Dumb Anxiety.

I go to a pool in my neighborhood; it is a 20 minute walk.

I have had my membership for many years.

Over the last couple of years, I have only gone sporadically, which gives me anxiety and guilt because I'm paying $51 for it every month. (I thought that was a lot until I heard how much other people were paying for their pools, so I feel a lot better, it's cheap.) I hate wasting money on things I never use.

But also I love the pool and I need to swim so I just left it.

My pool is a Jewish pool, and sometime last year, maybe late 2023 they got really scared with all the news stuff and implemented a new door authentication system.  It is a bluetooth app on the phone.

Back when it was finally ready, I set it up and wasn't going, so I never used it.

And the longer time went on, the more anxious I got about being able to get into the building.

And it turned into a growing mental wall of anxiety about going.

Which is really stupid but there it is.

So this past Friday I decided I need to get past this.

I went over to the pool when I knew everyone would be there, during regular daytime hours.

I tried the app.

IT DID NOT WORK.

Someone with a keycard let me in, and I enlisted the help of the extremely nice IT guy.

The stuff he did to fix my app also did not work, and he said they have been having problems.

We ended up having to completely re-install and re-authenticate my app and now it works.

This morning I went to the pool before work, all ready to use the app and the doors were wide open.

I didn't even need it.

..... but at least I know it works, if I go at night, or use the back door, I'll definitely need it.

I guess they don't worry as much in the daytime?

Anyhow my current goal is to get in the pool at least twice a week, which I can reasonably do.

I'll switch that out with my Crossrope workouts and that will keep me in good physical shape.

Which helps ENORMOUSLY when I'm not ok internally.

It's an extremely strange feeling to feel awful emotionally but feel amazing physically.

Very strange.

20

Daya is 20 years old today.

And she doesn't want to celebrate or even see me because she's in a bad headspace (again), so with the support of her therapist (???) she is going to stay stuck in her own head and do whatever the fuck she wants to do alone and yes I am very upset but then she tells me I'm making it all about me.

I would be fine with it- happy- if she was going out with friends and made time for me another day.

That would be different.

That would be good.

That is not the situation.

I really cannot anymore.

If she was not in a bad mental health space she would want to do something.

She has always liked to do something for her birthday.

20 is an important one.

Everything is too much.

It's one thing after another after another this year.

I'm so tired of being expected to just not have feelings and being dismissed and invalidated when I do.

A daughter's 20th birthday is an important day, and not just for her.

Absolutely everything with family is a big hole of nothing.

I have never been able to get past it, not for lack of trying.

Daya has not learned that 1) other peoples' feelings also matter and 2) when you feel like shit and Something Important happens it's good to show up for it and let some good moments in and maybe get out of your head for a little while. And 3) when you shut people out, it takes something important away from them.

But as always, when she's miserable she inflicts it on everyone around her.

She seems to think no one should be affected by her, and that whatever she is feeling should be what everyone else should experience and just accept.

It's like that INCREDIBLE dance she did last Spring that she hated so she tried to tell me to not even go.

It was honestly one of the most astounding things I have ever seen, but her negativity ruled all and in her eyes no one should be able to find joy in her performance because she didn't like it and that's all that mattered.

I'm sure she'll share my upset text responses with her therapist (I am very glad she is in therapy) but what the fuck ever, I don't care.

While I completely understand the urge to isolate, and I do it too, it's something that you have to be careful with.

I do wish someone she'll actually listen to would tell her to get out of her own head for a little while, that it's good for her and essential for her relationships and connections. And that participating in relationships is extremely important, sometimes even when you don't feel like it.

It's nice to know that, once again, if I have feelings I'm being selfish and making everything all about me. There is no care, no grace, no reciprocation, no acknowledgement.

Well, if I'm selfish so be it but yes I'm very upset and that's how I feel.

I would very much like to mark the important occasion of my daughter's 20th birthday.

She is taking that away from me.

It's irreplaceable.

If it's not valid, and I'm just selfish, what the fuck ever.

*******

I have a.... friend?? Acquaintance?? whose daughter is turning 16 in December. They are having a nice sweet 16 party, complete with a custom-fitted dress, dance lessons, I don't even know what else and it blows my mind. It is such an alien thing to me that people do that.

What is that like?

I cannot comprehend it.

Cannot wrap my head around it.

Is that normal? If so, some people really won life's lottery.

How do some people have absolutely everything and they have no idea they have everything?

A Major Thing

There is something major I have learned from being on the hotline, from callers talking about their own issues, something I wish I knew years ago. I didn't even learn about it during any of my 9+ years in therapy or the spot therapy sessions I had after those 9+ years. It sure would have been helpful and I only connected and realized.... yesterday. Yeah. I'm THAT slow. But this stuff is intense and confusing and it takes a LOT of work and self-awareness to piece it together.

This isn't something I talk to anyone about.

Probably most people I know would be shocked to know this about me, but it's none of their business and I don't need this to be how I present myself. I don't want to be like that. So, I deal with it privately.

CPTSD, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is a type of trauma that results from prolonged exposure to situations like childhood neglect, emotional abuse, or chaotic environments.

My childhood was all three of those things.

Being a parent myself really highlighted it.

When I entered into early adulthood, I didn't even know I was traumatized. 

It didn't even occur to me, because I thought it was just depression.

And when you are a child, it's all just normalized.

Especially when all the adults around you completely dismiss your feelings.

Even when they know you are engaging in self-harm and have suicidal ideations.

Shut up and grow up.

Back in my early 20s, I was looking for help, desperately. 

I did see therapists, and even after talking to me in-depth no one ever mentioned the word trauma. 

And I saw three or 4 therapists during and right after college.  Only one of them was any good and they didn't even know to mention it. But I didn't have the money to continue.

I did mention it to my stepmother and father, and they told me to grow up, I had nothing to be upset about, get plastic surgery, and they made fun of me for seeing a shrink.

My mother got angry with me and wanted to make sure I wasn't saying anything bad about her in therapy, that's all she cared about.

And then of course I married a predator, that's what happens when someone is traumatized from childhood and has absolutely no sense of self or any self-worth.  Being abandoned while pregnant and the intense cruelty of how he treated me during that time, and the domestic violence death-threats danger was intensely traumatic. So, it's trauma on top of trauma.

There is something called CPTSD Mélange.

It's basically a trauma flashback.

I have been having them for as long as I can remember. 

I always just thought it was a depressive episode, but it's different- it feels different than depression.  

It is the body and nervous system reliving the trauma in a very intense way.

It can take several days to run its course.

I don't get panic attacks, but it's perhaps like the trauma version of an anxiety attack... except it isn't anxiety either. It's a very intense emotional pain that also has a sick feeling to it, and physical reactions too. 

Just like how it felt to be in a very traumatic experience.

The body remembers, the nervous system remembers.

And when it's triggered, it's very, very bad.

I went into CPTSD mélange on Thursday evening, and yesterday it was very bad.  

It's still pretty bad today.

And for the first time in my life, I actually know what it is.

Yes I know what triggered it, but it still took me by surprise.

While this episode is awful, as they always are, it's amazing to actually know what it is.

The only way to get through it is by practicing good self-care, being nice to myself, hot baths, and trying to sleep it off as much as I possibly can.

The huge- and I mean !!HUGE!! advantage I have in dealing with CPTSD and trauma is that I have good self-esteem and self-care. It was something I had to learn. That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities, I sure do, but I am friends with myself and my inner dialogue is always positive and friendly. I am never mean to myself. And I don't take this out on other people. I'm not the lash-out type; I shut down and withdraw.

I am also realizing that a lot of how I have my home environment set up- especially in this last calendar year when Daya has been living in the dorms- is set up to regulate my nervous system as best as I can.

I guess I have done it instinctively, but I'm realizing that I need to constantly regulate my nervous system and be able to recover from or prevent being dysregulated.

So, I need to figure out how to deal with what is triggering it because this is awful and I can't keep going through it. There are things I maybe need to stay away from. I need to take a big step back.

It's wrecking my trauma-nervous system. It's all me; no one is doing anything wrong and my life structures- home, health, job etc are all fine.

Being dysregulated is also not the same as the flashbacks, but it's still unpleasant.

I have done so much inner work through the years, it never ends, and it's discouraging to know the trauma effects never really go away... all I can do is manage it and deal with it when it happens.

Ok & Not Ok

Whoa.

I was supposed to be on the hotline last night.

Thought I was ok.

I went, arrived on time.

I have been pretty ok (I think?) on 9/11 for a while now, and I didn't even think about it when I booked the shift. 

I was not ok.

As I got closer to the hotline I got more and more not-ok.

And it really hit me when I got there.

I was very not-ok, wow I hate being like that, especially in front of others, and it really caught me off-guard.

It just hit me sideways unexpectedly, and that hasn't happened for a while now.

(It used to happen more often.)

These years I can walk by the memorial, no problem, and I used to not be able to.

I'm down there all the time, actually, and I'm fine.

So lesson learned, I need to be mindful it can still hit me after all these years.

They were really, really cool about it and sent me home.

I always try and bulldoze my way through things but I just really couldn't be in a place to hold space.

Whoa...I can't believe that happened.

I will never book anything serious on 9/11 again.

Just in case.

******

My amazing friend Grace and I talk all the time.

About everything.

We have the kind of friendship where it is safe to be an absolute hot mess.

We are both ok and also really not ok.

That's been the theme lately.

*****

I am grieving something right now, and I knew it would hit, I just didn't know when.

And I guess I was holding it off for a bit but then it was time and now here it is and it just sucks and it's hard. This whole year has been terrible, even though all my good important life structures are stable and in place properly. Externally I'm ok, doing well, things are good. And internally I'm a hot mess, from so many things that have hit this year.

It's such a strange thing because of context.

The kind of thing where it's easy to say just get over it, it shouldn't warrant too much intensity.

And that's not wrong. It really isn't.

On the other hand, if I look at my specific personal context, it makes sense.

It makes all the sense in the world. 

I understand it and I understand WHY.

So I am giving myself time and space and compassion.

I just have to go through it and hope it runs its course sooner rather than later.

I am a little wary because it has made an internal mark, a reinforcement that I do not welcome but there's nothing I can do about that.

Sometimes things just hit like a ton of bricks whether you want it to or not and there's nothing you can do but deal with it in hopefully a healthy way.

******

I have dropped weight this year. 

About 23 lbs. It took about 5 months, which is a healthy rate.

It started out with bad mental health.

I can get in a place where I lose my appetite, the opposite of eating your feelings.

So I thought, well at least something positive is coming out of feeling so shitty.....

...because I kind of needed to lose some weight, though I was never really overweight.

Just a little higher than I wanted to be- a combination of general life through the years, 2019 cataract surgery, then covid lockdown, and some bad coping after that.

I have lost more than I thought, which is ok, and once it started it has been steadily and easily melting off. Like my system is in release mode.

And I am still at a healthy weight for my height. I am where I should be, and where I was in my early 20s. And symbolically, I feel like I have released- at least physically- the weight of the last 25 years.

Emotionally is a different story....

But I shouldn't lose any more and I'm finding that maintaining and not losing is now a challenge because my body seems to have recalibrated to a new (and healthier) point, my habits have shifted, and I have a much lower appetite. Plus I am very physically active, which is nothing new.

Also in all honesty I really do feel much better and more comfortable in and about my body now.

However, I am experiencing an unintended side effect: people thinking it's ok to comment directly about my weight.

It is never ok to initiate comments
on someone's weight.

It is ALWAYS extremely impolite.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you want to tell someone they look good, do that. 

That's always good and appropriate and appreciated.

But don't make a direct comment about weight.

So now I'm navigating the challenge of letting people know they are being impolite-- because it's somehow ok for people to be inappropriate but if you let them know that, you're the asshole.

I am very conflict-avoidant with people I know and like (not so much strangers, I'll dish it out to them) so it's been very awkward.

It's also very annoying, like it's a spotlight saying that's what is most important to people. 

My damn weight.

WTF.

*****

Grace sent me this yesterday, and I really need to sit with it.

I'm not one for over-exerting effort and striving, but there is something here I need to explore.

Huh. That's certainly a different mindset than what I have been feeling and experiencing.....

*******

OH AND ALSO.... OF COUSE....

my cycle showed up first thing this morning, three days early.

Because of course it did.

It's just all too much at the same time.

Today I need to lay low and be easy, and I'll probably feel much better tomorrow.

Yesterday

Although it is my instinct and tendency to isolate when I am not doing ok, I made myself go to the boathouse for our annual 4th of July party.  This year there were no fireworks in the park, thankfully! I didn't enjoy last year- way too many people! We also remained closed to the public and kept it a day of volunteers and invited guests.

It was a good time.

I can be a little off and people are good and supportive and caring even if they don't know what's going on and that's nice. And it's good to be in a place where I am known and accepted.

Also, I am part of a community, and it is important to show up for that and contribute.

My absence would likely have caused some concern, and isolating isn't healthy right now.

I went for a swim in the river...... a few times.

I also lost my sunglasses to the river when I did a self-rescue in the inflatable unicorn.

The River Gods must take their tokens!

My unicorn self-rescue was successful though and that's really all that matters.

I took Reign for a paddle.

It is ridiculously difficult to take a selfie with a dog in a kayak.

There were many deck boat self-rescues today.

I stayed out of deck boats, mostly because I felt lazy.

I do like them though.

The kayak jousting platform! It is epic.

I love it. I'm so proud of Andrew for thinking it up.

Aimee looking good in a deck boat.

The Inflatable Unicorn I am now officially certified to self-rescue in.....

(that's not me in the picture)

I have a "thinking spot" on the north corner of the dock.

It's also a nice place to paint.

My gear today:

People came by to visit while I painted.

Painting start:

6x8 oil

Sunset.....

And of course we went on the water for fireworks, which is the only proper way to see them.

Mirror

This morning I am processing some stuff.

Last night felt like a slap in the face from God, a big one, leaving me spinning saying WTF?

It's not right.

It's really not right or ok.

I know there are areas of my life that are under- or un-developed.

I very much want to grow and expand, but the opportunities don't materialize.

Occasionally when I'm in a bad place- and I really do feel like this- I feel like I never really stood a chance to either get past things or progress beyond a certain point. Cycles repeat.

And this is from core family stuff, I know that. I know what the root is.

I'm not wired properly. 

It's not my fault, and I have been doing my best with it.

Everything is an empty miss.

It's like I just hit a big cement wall and go splat, because I think maybe the wall is finally gone because I have done so much self work, or maybe for once life will throw me a bone.

I have gone splat again.

I tried not to. I lowered my guard, grudgingly, and it took a while. 

I thought it was safe. I had a lot of reasons to think it was safe. 

Anyone would have, honestly.

It wasn't.

It is a stupid awful cycle that has now repeated itself through the years a few times.

I really didn't need this. 2025 has been so awful.

Sometimes I get tired of constant self-processing, and I just want to have something nice happen and enjoy it and learn from experience and just be. A good energy shift. New energy.

This quote I found is what I need to remember:

Peace is not a luxury, it's a baseline. 

And anything that threatens it needs to be questioned, not welcomed.

Ugh except I DID question it, I DID NOT just dive into something without thinking straight, I thought I was careful, and the end result is the same, an empty miss that I did not initiate.

********

Fathers are important to daughters.

They have a profound impact on the kinds of people we attract.

They are the first man who will break a girl's heart, and it sets the stage for everything else.

My father has taught me to expect abandonment, no effort, absence, and inconsistency.

My father doesn't care at all, I don't even have his number anymore.

Haven't heard from him in years. 

After YEARS of basically begging him to be in my life, be in my daughter's life.

I don't do that anymore, not for anyone.

But it leaves a huge impact because it's a parent.

It's some pretty core feedback.

The last time he reached out to me was over 5 years ago- March 2020- just to ask if I still had a job.

Short phone call.

He didn't even call me on 9/11, which I was literally right in the middle of, which he knew.

When I talked to him after, he just said "I wasn't worried about it."

Great, your daughter was literally right in the middle of 9/11 and you weren't concerned at all.

In the 2000 election he called me just to say if I didn't vote for GWB, "don't ever call this house again."

Exact words. I'll never forget it and how it felt.

This is a huge reason why I still maintain a couple of friendships with people who like Trump, because this divisiveness and broken relationships over politics is part of the damage- which I believe is intentional- to fracture peoples' connections. I don't have to agree with them, and I'm not afraid to say so, but in those relationships we leave it alone and respect each other. If people are hateful and disrespectful to me that's another thing but friends don't have to agree on everything. 

The last time I spoke to my father was January 2021- and it was the first time since March 2020- to ask him about something guitar-related that Daya was interested in at the time.

He talked to me for 6 whole minutes before making a lame excuse to get off the phone.

He has also specifically said to me "If we don't speak for 5 years it's fine with me."

It was in response to me being upset with him for not calling me after he said "I promise I'll call you next week" and never doing it. Those words... I promise.

He knows how I feel and he even knows and has directly acknowledged I don't think he cares about me at all. 

But it makes no difference.

And after that 6 minute conversation I decided I was DONE.

He doesn't even know that Daya is at Juilliard.

Friday

I was up early packing, because I'm going on an overnight camping trip with some boathouse friends.

This is good, I need to get away, even if only briefly.

I'm feeling very raw today and am just giving myself space.

Tomorrow will be interesting, I have to get back to the city in time to stop home for only a few minutes and then go right to the hotline. I wish my shift was on Sunday instead, but it isn't and I have to meet my obligations.

July arrives next week and I hope over the course of the new month I'll be able to reset and get back to somewhere better. 

******

Daya texted this morning, she is due to come back to NYC Sunday late afternoon.

She has to fly through Doha, which is definitely not ideal.

Then she goes right back to school Sunday night.

I guess someone came up with the money to get her back.

And apparently this insane crazy non-planning doesn't bother her at all.

Living around things

I wish I could go back in time to Jan 1 2025.

Maybe I could do some things differently, make some different decisions and protect my feelings a little better.

This whole year has been one thing after another, it's just a lot of emotional stuff and being triggered and also the problem of false hope. Some of it I did to myself- unintentionally but still. 

A lot of it is old stuff coming up very intensely that isn't anything I could ever do anything about (I have tried), and some of it I could have maybe not have been open to.... big maybe there. 

I don't know. I tried. Didn't work.

I don't see any benefit to any of it, just stuff I have to get over that hurts me. 

And I'm tired of having stuff to get over with nothing positive to counterbalance it. 

I'm not learning anything from it, I'm not growing from it.

All that is happening is reinforcement of things I don't want to be reinforced (again) and thought I could overcome. Guess not.

Cumulatively, I'm not feeling good about my overall life experience.

I feel like my life has been all about navigating and living through and around trauma and picking up the pieces and doing the best I can from the fallouts of other peoples' dysfunction, interpersonal wars, severe mental illness, abandonment, foundational rejection on repeat, loss, and lack of integrity. 

The events of my life sound like a bad hotline call.

There is truth in being the hero of your own story, and things are what you make of them, and you are in control of your own happiness and thoughts etc, but this isn't about happiness.  It's also true that we are absolutely affected by other people, for better or worse. No one lives in a bubble.

Through the years I have worked on myself a lot but it doesn't seem to matter, I always find myself in the same place coming up empty. I'm so tired.

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I often get feedback from different people in different situations, people tell me I have great energy, people tell me I look good.

My self-care is excellent. I am physically healthy and active, I have wonderful friends, I have my painting, the boathouse, the hotline......I am financially stable, I have a good job....... and while all of this is good, I feel like it all just barely keeps my head above water.

It doesn't seem to matter.

And it isn't a gratitude issue, which is one of the worst things to bring up when someone is having a hard time. I feel like I haven't been able to really live- all I have ever done is survive and piece myself back together from other peoples' effects on my life.

Living is a lot different than surviving.

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I know that the core of everything stems from old family issues and trauma.

It comes up because of my mother's current state, and other things.

And I have come to realize there are things that never really go away.

They can go dormant and we can live around them, you can be in therapy for many years, but they never really go away and can be seriously triggered no matter how much therapy and self work a person has done. That's what I am finding.

I feel like so much of my life has been focused on getting through and living around things and just coping. And in a lot of ways, no matter how I try to stay afloat and try to overcome, I don't think I really ever stood a chance. The statistics agree with me, unfortunately. 

All I can seem to manage is barely keeping my head above water and it is exhausting. I can't stop though, I have to keep my external structures going. For me and Daya.

I don't know how to overcome the effects of foundational trauma, doing everything right doesn't work.

Positive intention, personal energy cultivation, faith, prayer, stability, self awareness and self esteem... all seem to fall short when it really matters.

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Maybe part of the reason I am on the hotline is to be for others what I never got in the times I needed it the most. 

To make it exist in the world somehow. 

To be able to just be comfort in a dark place with someone and not try to make it better or "fix" it, or tell them what they should or should not do, or think I know them better than they know themselves.  

People do not need others to analyze them, unless they are in therapy.  Leave that to therapists.

Because of the hotline I have gotten very sensitive to other people deciding to analyze and problem-solve my life if I express upset, or stupid assvice comments that are just very dismissive and invalidating. None of it is a good way to respond to people. People trying to "fix" others are generally talking out of their clueless asses, and it's very dismissive. That's not what people need.

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I am off work tomorrow and Friday.

Daya is not home, tomorrow was going to be Pebbles' last day in this life, but it won't be.

I don't think she's ready yet and I have to wait for Daya anyhow.

I do think it is just a matter of time though.

I think tomorrow morning might require an early morning paddle and maybe a swim in the river.

Maybe the river will take my feelings out with the tide.

Palma's Garden & More Rockaway

my friend Palma lives in Far Rockaway, and sometimes when I go down there I see her.

We met up tonight.

She has a garden plot, and she gave me some lovely fresh produce for tea and salads!

We went to the beach to chat.

This is at Beach 90th.

This is a little 6x8 oil 45 minute painting.

I'm not sure which picture is better, one is dark, one is too exposed, but here they are.

It was good to have Palma's company.

Our kids are the same age and both went to LaGuardia.

I have been through a lot of Intense, and Palma has been through a lot of Intense.

Bad stuff. Losses of people in our lives just wrecked by mental illness, and that is it's own kind of loss.

She is also an artist.

Also, we are both in a very dark place these days and it's nice to be with someone with whom that is ok.

My Focuser is Broken (Again)

Today was very hot but it didn't rain.

After running some errands I went down to Rockaway to paint.

Being on the beach on a Saturday is not my favorite thing, especially the bus ride back.

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I can't paint these days.

I don't know if it's my crap mental health or the thing that happens where I forget how to paint for a little while because I'm indexing a lot of information.

(I absorbed a lot last fall and earlier this year and was painting a LOT...)

So I don't know what's causing my slump but it's still good I got out.

I have completely lost my mojo.

Pebbles is also on my mind (in addition to Other Things) and there is like maybe a 15 % chance I won't be able to go through with Thursday. It has not fully hit me at all and I have avoided thinking about it.

I have stopped all her treatment except pills.

She eats the regular food because she doesn't like her $$$ novel protein food anymore.

But really the big thing is I can't isolate her, she's miserable.

Which is probably contributing to the peeing.....

Anyhow here is a painting that lacks focus and is a little too chromatic from what I was intending:

8x10 oil, around Beach 120th.

Crap-Free Zone

This morning I am off work, and I'm just floating around not sure what to do with myself.

There is some stuff going on, nothing new (mostly) and I need to be busy and hopefully useful to pass the time.  

I don't know why life seems to like to poke me to get my attention and make things look a certain way only to say nevermind, just kidding!

I don't like it, I'm really sick of it, I don't understand the point of it, and it just seems pointless and cruel. So right now currently, I have yet one more heavy thing to get over that I REALLY didn't need. Literally the last thing I needed.

So yes, I'm upset and sad. Life seems to be a series of things to get over without any benefit. It doesn't matter what I do, or don't do, or anything really, I always seem to come up empty even when a situation really looks like it's going to come through.

So, I'm ok on the surface but my underwater self is not ok.

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I got a new boathouse key that works, so I got to the boathouse around 8:30am to go on the water for an early morning paddle.

The oyster people were in our embayment, presumably checking on the oysters.  They were there for a long time, like 4 hours.

The early morning paddle was peaceful.

I'll probably start going on the water before work when I go to the office.

I try to leave my feelings in the river but they still stick to me.

It's nice to be out alone.

I stayed on the water for about an hour, then decided it was time to power wash the dock, which was absolutely covered in massive amounts of goose shit.

There is a sign that restrooms are at Pier 25, but these geese are not good listeners.

And there are so many of them!

It's so gross.

The goose-repellent flags definitely do not work.

The public program was supposed to start at 1, so I had some time.

Look how gross this is.

We can't have the public on the dock in this condition!

The whole dock loading area was like this, all the way down.

Getting the power washer on the dock and working properly is quite a mission.

You have to run a few extension cords from the boathouse, but that's the easy part.

The hard part is hooking up the water... and I had never figured this out alone before.

I kind of knew how to do it...

Basically you have to hook up the water and hose switches properly in three places and hope for the best.

It took a while and much switching of valves happened, but I did finally get it working!

Next time I have to do this it'll go a lot faster, and I am very proud of myself for getting it to work.

Really, it is a very convoluted process!

One of the water hookups that requires a special pipe adapter!

Crap-free zone, for a few hours at least......

I am very proud of this nice clean dock.

After I cleaned the dock, it was about noon.

I went back on the water with a sandwich and a tow rope.

I tied my kayak to a buoy and went for a swim.

Then people started showing up and it was time for me to get off the water and leave the boathouse for the day.

I will probably be power washing the dock a lot this season.

Stupid geese.