Shock

Today is June 1.

I have a hope for this month, 2 trips planned, and all Fridays off until Labor Day.

May exited with a deep shock, I will not write specifics here except to say on Friday night I got news that was so deeply shocking I felt like I got hit by a truck. Literally. 

I found out something about someone I know that....... I can't reconcile it, and it's bad.

There has only been one other time in my life that I was in a similar state of shock.

I'm not going through it alone though.

It is a very complex multi-layered situation, made worse by who this person is.

Support is available, and I was reached out to.  I was going to wait to come out of shock to see if I needed to talk, but support came sooner and it helped, but this will be a process.

It's the kind of thing that forever changes the people it impacts.

I was completely out of commission Friday night, all day Saturday, and yesterday as well.

The hotline moved my shift from last night to the early morning shift.

I did the shift and I'm glad I did- otherwise a new volunteer would have been alone, and she needed support.  They moved me so she wouldn't be alone and I'm glad I was there.

Also, the early morning shift was chill and quiet, more than the evening shift would be, and I needed that.

There is something about the hotline space that is very stabilizing and comforting.

What I learned doesn't change my daily life.

It does change others' daily lives around me.

I'm on the periphery and the impact was intense........

I can't believe how much it HURTS.

As of this morning the pain I felt for the last 2 days seems to be on pause, but I might just be exhausted.

My system might just be taking a break.  We'll see.

This is a thing that needs time.