Mirror

This morning I am processing some stuff.

Last night felt like a slap in the face from God, a big one, leaving me spinning saying WTF?

It's not right.

It's really not right or ok.

I know there are areas of my life that are under- or un-developed.

I very much want to grow and expand, but the opportunities don't materialize.

Occasionally when I'm in a bad place- and I really do feel like this- I feel like I never really stood a chance to either get past things or progress beyond a certain point. Cycles repeat.

And this is from core family stuff, I know that. I know what the root is.

I'm not wired properly. 

It's not my fault, and I have been doing my best with it.

Everything is an empty miss.

It's like I just hit a big cement wall and go splat, because I think maybe the wall is finally gone because I have done so much self work, or maybe for once life will throw me a bone.

I have gone splat again.

I tried not to. I lowered my guard, grudgingly, and it took a while. 

I thought it was safe. I had a lot of reasons to think it was safe. 

Anyone would have, honestly.

It wasn't.

It is a stupid awful cycle that has now repeated itself through the years a few times.

I really didn't need this. 2025 has been so awful.

Sometimes I get tired of constant self-processing, and I just want to have something nice happen and enjoy it and learn from experience and just be. A good energy shift. New energy.

This quote I found is what I need to remember:

Peace is not a luxury, it's a baseline. 

And anything that threatens it needs to be questioned, not welcomed.

Ugh except I DID question it, I DID NOT just dive into something without thinking straight, I thought I was careful, and the end result is the same, an empty miss that I did not initiate.

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Fathers are important to daughters.

They have a profound impact on the kinds of people we attract.

They are the first man who will break a girl's heart, and it sets the stage for everything else.

My father has taught me to expect abandonment, no effort, absence, and inconsistency.

My father doesn't care at all, I don't even have his number anymore.

Haven't heard from him in years. 

After YEARS of basically begging him to be in my life, be in my daughter's life.

I don't do that anymore, not for anyone.

But it leaves a huge impact because it's a parent.

It's some pretty core feedback.

The last time he reached out to me was over 5 years ago- March 2020- just to ask if I still had a job.

Short phone call.

He didn't even call me on 9/11, which I was literally right in the middle of, which he knew.

When I talked to him after, he just said "I wasn't worried about it."

Great, your daughter was literally right in the middle of 9/11 and you weren't concerned at all.

In the 2000 election he called me just to say if I didn't vote for GWB, "don't ever call this house again."

Exact words. I'll never forget it and how it felt.

This is a huge reason why I still maintain a couple of friendships with people who like Trump, because this divisiveness and broken relationships over politics is part of the damage- which I believe is intentional- to fracture peoples' connections. I don't have to agree with them, and I'm not afraid to say so, but in those relationships we leave it alone and respect each other. If people are hateful and disrespectful to me that's another thing but friends don't have to agree on everything. 

The last time I spoke to my father was January 2021- and it was the first time since March 2020- to ask him about something guitar-related that Daya was interested in at the time.

He talked to me for 6 whole minutes before making a lame excuse to get off the phone.

He has also specifically said to me "If we don't speak for 5 years it's fine with me."

It was in response to me being upset with him for not calling me after he said "I promise I'll call you next week" and never doing it. Those words... I promise.

He knows how I feel and he even knows and has directly acknowledged I don't think he cares about me at all. 

But it makes no difference.

And after that 6 minute conversation I decided I was DONE.

He doesn't even know that Daya is at Juilliard.