20

Daya is 20 years old today.

And she doesn't want to celebrate or even see me because she's in a bad headspace (again), so with the support of her therapist (???) she is going to stay stuck in her own head and do whatever the fuck she wants to do alone and yes I am very upset but then she tells me I'm making it all about me.

I would be fine with it- happy- if she was going out with friends and made time for me another day.

That would be different.

That would be good.

That is not the situation.

I really cannot anymore.

If she was not in a bad mental health space she would want to do something.

She has always liked to do something for her birthday.

20 is an important one.

Everything is too much.

It's one thing after another after another this year.

I'm so tired of being expected to just not have feelings and being dismissed and invalidated when I do.

A daughter's 20th birthday is an important day, and not just for her.

Absolutely everything with family is a big hole of nothing.

I have never been able to get past it, not for lack of trying.

Daya has not learned that 1) other peoples' feelings also matter and 2) when you feel like shit and Something Important happens it's good to show up for it and let some good moments in and maybe get out of your head for a little while. And 3) when you shut people out, it takes something important away from them.

But as always, when she's miserable she inflicts it on everyone around her.

She seems to think no one should be affected by her, and that whatever she is feeling should be what everyone else should experience and just accept.

It's like that INCREDIBLE dance she did last Spring that she hated so she tried to tell me to not even go.

It was honestly one of the most astounding things I have ever seen, but her negativity ruled all and in her eyes no one should be able to find joy in her performance because she didn't like it and that's all that mattered.

I'm sure she'll share my upset text responses with her therapist (I am very glad she is in therapy) but what the fuck ever, I don't care.

While I completely understand the urge to isolate, and I do it too, it's something that you have to be careful with.

I do wish someone she'll actually listen to would tell her to get out of her own head for a little while, that it's good for her and essential for her relationships and connections. And that participating in relationships is extremely important, sometimes even when you don't feel like it.

It's nice to know that, once again, if I have feelings I'm being selfish and making everything all about me. There is no care, no grace, no reciprocation, no acknowledgement.

Well, if I'm selfish so be it but yes I'm very upset and that's how I feel.

I would very much like to mark the important occasion of my daughter's 20th birthday.

She is taking that away from me.

It's irreplaceable.

If it's not valid, and I'm just selfish, what the fuck ever.

*******

I have a.... friend?? Acquaintance?? whose daughter is turning 16 in December. They are having a nice sweet 16 party, complete with a custom-fitted dress, dance lessons, I don't even know what else and it blows my mind. It is such an alien thing to me that people do that.

What is that like?

I cannot comprehend it.

Cannot wrap my head around it.

Is that normal? If so, some people really won life's lottery.

How do some people have absolutely everything and they have no idea they have everything?