Lazy Cats & Ramble

I haven;t posted cat pictures lately.
Here are Isis and Furball being very lazy.
Pebbles was somewhere else.

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I have mentioned before that Daya and I have a big communication gap when it comes to conflict and disagreement.
I also think she has a massive sense of entitlement.

I needed some perspective so I asked K Daya's big sister through BBBS.
She does not have kids and is much younger but I still value what she has to say.
I wanted to ask her about the medical stuff.  In her view I need to do it. Ok, fine.

We spoke about teen entitlement and I also did some reading on it.
She told me from her perspective it's partly because I'm trying to make up for things Daya doesn't have- lack of a father, lack of family, and that I feel guilty so Daya picks up on it and feels entitled.

But the thing is... I don't feel guilty.
I feel sad, yes, but I do not feel guilty.
K said you can feel guilty without having done something wrong... but guilt is the wrong word.
It's sad. I know how I feel.

And I have of course tried to institute things to make up for these missing structures- who wouldn't?
But I can and also have said no to her many times. I do regularly tell her to pay for things she wants with her own money. (Which she hates!)

I could not turn dance on and off either- people don't get that.
It's a yearly commitment, you can't just remove it. Daya's old studio specifically asked parents not to withhold dance as punishment and they were right about that- it affects everyone.  So people can think what they want; they haven't lived it. It's so very different when you live it rather than just observing it.

I don't think Daya is entitled because I have overindulged her with things to make up for lack of people. K thinks I have, and when I disagreed she said "I'm going to call you out on that."

I've heard that phrase before, it comes from psychotherapy but I don't like it. In fact I resent it, because it's someone telling you they know more about you than you know about yourself and they're going to tell you better.

No one has any business "calling you out" on anything, because while they can have their own observations they cannot tell you how you feel.  It's condescending.  I know she didn't mean it like that and she's going on what she knows from her own self-awareness, but I seriously dislike this phrase and the (unintended) attitude behind it.

I dislike other people defining me.
I'm too self-aware for that.

I don't need any "calling out".

NO ONE else has had to walk my path.
There are so many things that people who have not had a kid really do not get.

ANYONE in my situation would feel sad about it, that's NORMAL.
What's wrong with doing everything you can to give your kid a good childhood?
Daya has a fantastic work ethic, she does work very hard.

People with far more resources have way worse issues with their kids than I have.

My friend's daughter basically told me everything Daya is doing is just totally normal for the age, and I think that's a much more accurate perspective. Another friend with a daughter Daya's age has the same issues.

Perfection doesn't exist, it's too subjective, and all parents screw up in some ways but I don't like overlays of analysis- people have seen situations before and know about them, so they re-apply it because that's the analysis they have learned.

At the end of the day I have to know myself and what feels right.  K's analysis, however well-meaning, just doesn't feel right to me.

Maybe others will disagree but I have to stay with my gut instinct on this one.
Parenting is really freaking hard and you just don't know until you're in it.
And none of us really knows how to do it- we just do the best we can with whatever resources and knowledge we have at the time.  We have to be gentle on ourselves and each other.

My friend's daughter has grown into a fantastic woman, she's also a mom, and we all had dinner tonight and it was such a good time.  It gives me good hope for my future days with Daya, getting over the rocky teenage and early 20s and settling into a good friendship.