Saturday Bloggy Things

I'm really having a hard time this month.
Some of it is personal and some of it is..... current events.

Yesterday was a hard day.

It's all very intense and my energy is very off and I am trying to keep in balance but I feel so crappy.

Last night Daya and I had a family session with her therapist, who is very good.
It was a good session, he moderated and structured it very well and it was insightful but there are things Daya feels that I just DO NOT understand.

I don't understand how her mind works when it comes to processing emotion. She interprets things in a way that is very unexpected to me and is not what I intend when I speak to her. And I seem to always say the wrong thing no matter how I think I'm saying the right thing, or trying to.

Like all my good intentions are just paving the road to hell.

Daya describes herself as a very logical thinker, and I am a very spatial/creative thinker.
I am very extremely spiritual (non-religious) and Daya is not. (Which is fine by me. I do not impose my belief system on her or anyone.)

Therapist (E) described the way I think as spaghetti (I am TOTALLY spaghetti!!) and Daya as a waffle.

Daya's logical world has kept her safe, and my spatial illogical world has kept me safe.

We are both completely exhausted but she is numb emotionally and I am not.
(I am feeling EVERYTHING.)

My main issue with Daya is that she treats me with pretty intense disrespect and I have to put up with it for now, but I don't when she turns 18 and will not.

Daya wants to leave home... six years ago and be on her own.
She's done with me.

She feels smothered but I do not have any idea how to give her more space, privacy, and independence without it being illegal.

I don't want her to suffer like I did (I believe some hardship is necessary but some of it is just unproductive) and she said it's her choice.
I think she doesn't understand what cutting those support strings really looks like.

There is serious discussion about her being ADHD.

I am in and have been in a completely impossible situation as a parent, there is no way either of us can come out unscathed from it. But mostly I feel condemned for everything Daya thinks is/was fucked up and from my end I feel gutted my child has been hurt but I DO NOT KNOW what I could have done differently.  I truly feel I have done the best I could with the knowledge and resources I have had. And I think because of that, Daya doesn't think any apologies I make about mistakes I have made are genuine.

I really truly do not know what I could have done differently regarding the things she says have hurt her.

I'm in completely way over my head and it's all very sad and I really want a good relationship with my kid, but she wants OUT and literally nothing to do with me.

When E asked Daya "Do you love your mom" she couldn't really answer the question.  She said she doesn't understand what family love is and she doesn't know.  She doesn't really feel anything.

When E asked me if I love Daya it's a no-brainer yes, I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love my child.  It is intense and visceral and goes beyond my body.

It was a 2 hour session and I feel very overwhelmed and raw... there was a lot more but I'm at the point where it's too much and stuff starts falling out of my brain.

I do feel like a huge failure, I do feel like the best of my efforts and intentions only amount to shit.
I think my mother would rejoice at my parental difficulties and I hear her voice in my head laughing at me, saying it's her revenge and I deserve to suffer.

I am not painting today.
I need an easy gentle day, I'm just very raw.
Later I will go spend time with a friend, which is a good way to spend today.