My Secret Wish

I have been carrying a wish around inside myself since I was a little kid, since at least 8 years old. And it's such a stupid thing, inconsequential really, but somehow it's major to me and has been for a long time. A secret desire, if you will.

After I had Daya and found myself single with no support or help, I told myself that I wouldn't let my circumstance stop me from being who I am and doing things that I want to do. That I would never use the excuse of being a single mom to prevent me from living life. This doesn't mean that I'm wanting to go off and do a bunch of stuff and leave Daya all the time, but I can certainly take a few hours here and there. I spend a lot of time with Daya and I intend to continue that- it's all just a matter of balance. Most of my social life also involves Daya, which is nice. But I need "me" time, too.

So back to my secret wish. I decided that I wanted to take a class of some kind. I was taking tea ceremony lessons, and I'll probably still do them sporadically, but they are much more expensive than I initially thought. I also still want to do Yoga, and that's pretty cheap and I'll probably work it in starting in the summer. I considered figure painting, because I love it and it's been a long time since I've had the opportunity. But for all these things, that little background voice started up again with the "...that would be fun and I'd enjoy it a lot, but if I could choose absolutely anything, what I REALLY want to study is voice."

So, as stupid as this is, I have a long-term build-up of fear with this, and it's a sticking point because I never properly resolved it. I believe in facing fears and blockages, and for some reason this is significant enough to me to the point where it's stayed around for a really long time. There is a definite energy block and I'm still not sure why it is so significant. But I guess I'll find out, because I start working with a vocal coach tonight. I could have gone the cheap route with this and done cheap lessons, or CDs and books, but I really want good training. Lessons aren't cheap (more than tea ceremony, actually) but somehow it's working out. I feel the cheap approach isn't doing justice to something that has been so secretly significant to me for such a long time. I need to give this the attention and space it wants. There is something that I need from it.

I have no interest in performance. This is purely personal. It's just something I need to do. I have been in choirs, both audition and non-audition. I studied piano for about 9 years growing up, and I deeply miss the world of music. Since I come from musicians, that's not really suprising.

Sometimes, when looking back on life, I really feel I could have gone the route of either music or visual arts. I took the road of visual arts and while I don't regret it, I do regret that my piano training got badly screwed up by an incompotent teacher. By the time I switched teachers it was a little late, and I was too young to realize the incompotence sooner. One day, when I am out of NYC and settled in a place where I can have a piano again, I'll resume it. I made that promise to myself a long time ago.

But tonight is about airing a block, facing a fear, and doing something that was important to me as a child and contines to be important in adulthood.

Life is for living, no excuses.