Fallow

I crashed last night.

After I fed everyone and just did the essentials, I crashed… around 10pm.

And I slept for 10 hours, probably would have slept longer except the birds woke me up.

So I have some work this morning, like cleaning the rats which I meant to do last night but I was just DONE.

Anyhow, I pulled a flower card this morning and got this:

Isnt that illustration gorgeous?

Ok, here’s the next page…..

Wow, I (hope?) that’s relevant. Going fallow. That might be what I am feeling, or it also might be stress.

Or both. I’m really good at downtime and doing nothing. So that’s not the right context.  Lee Harris mentioned something similar to this in his April energy update, that sometimes when we are preparing for something we go a bit dormant. I hope that’s what is happening, that would be… worthwhile, at least.

I’m stressed about my website.

In January I signed up for a year with FASO and my initial experience with them hasn’t been good, but I need to figure them out. I don’t know if I really don’t like their service or if I need to shift my perspective.

I suspect it is a little of both. 

And website stuff is… just really crappy to deal with, to be honest. I don’t know if I want to keep my current site or do a complete switch. I just don’t know, and the FASO system is built for internet-website-illiterate people who don’t even know what CSS is.  I’m NOT a web developer and don’t want to be but I do need a more robust platform.  So I have to figure out what I can/will use from them and what I won’t.  This will take time, focus, and I haven’t had it.

So there’s that.  It is hanging over me.

The other thing - and this is my blog where I sort myself out, I’m NOT looking for advice- is - oh man my new plant book (pictured above) is pretty. And it is reminding me that I have done nothing artistically significant at all with getting my work out there, I have no “out-in-the-world” artistic accomplishments.

And I’m feeling a bit bummed about that. Like, what is the point of all of this? 

I have done a whole bunch of stuff that is still nothing.

It’s true that my life hasn’t been set up for it until possibly now but I’m feeling crappy about it.

I do think I can get Topiary Cats out there, and prints are on my list this year for sure- and I’m going back to Janet’s on May 7th and we’re going to photograph them properly- so that’s good and on-track with my goals.

But I’m feeling extremely unaccomplished and artistically crappy in general.

Maybe that, plus my website stress and feeling completely overwhelmed at all the stuff I need to start learning in order to expand my art has got me in this stressed out inner-tightness that is very unpleasant and is getting in the way of painting.

Sometimes being an artist really sucks.

And now it is much later in the morning than I intended before starting out, and I need to clean rats, feed cats, and wash brushes before I head out to paint in the woods.