I got a work award!

Wow!

This was unexpected!

I got a recognition award at work!
This completely made my day!

I have been working on this project since July.

My colleague writes: 

With great energy and a supportive attitude, Jess took the training materials from the *********** programme and using her skills and experience built out 6 different e-learnings which will be consumed by all of Technology ~12,000 ppl. This allowed people to be trained on all the new processes and understand the new ********* instance being rolled out. Jess always made herself available and was a great team player even though not part of the programme. Thank you Jess!

The award comes in the form of points which are used in a catalogue of cool stuff.

Whenever I have points, I usually enlist Daya to help me choose some Cool Stuff.

I was going to this time as well but we had a stupid nonsense argument**** and she's not speaking to me.

I don't feel like waiting and I also feel sour so I'm going ahead without her.

I got:

• A really nice new Henkels kitchen knife block set, which I have been needing.
• A home tool set, which I also need as my tools are scattered around and definitely are not easy to access/find.
• A small magnifier with a light, which I will keep in the kitchen.  I ALWAYS need a magnifier in the kitchen!

**********************

****Daya and I had a fight about the dishwasher, and it's SO stupid but she's fuming mad.

We cook separately, and when she's on her normal schedule and using the kitchen, usually it needs to be done every other day, and sometimes every day. (Daya somehow uses WAY more dishes than I do. When she was in Chicago for three weeks I only ran the dishwasher 5 times.)

We alternate doing the dishwasher, because I refuse to do 100% of the cleaning up. 

She generates most of the kitchen mess, and that's fine, but she needs to help take care of it.  

This is the only household chore she is required to do.  

I took everything else off her plate- the bathroom, cat litter, feeding the cats... because she is home late and is really tired. (She also does her own laundry but that's not shared so doesn't count, as it is completely up to her if it gets done (or not).) 

But the dishwasher is something she needs to help take care of. It's a fair system. 

It has been in place for a couple of years.  

I have a chart and we sign off when it is done, so there is no room for arguing.

I like a clean kitchen and I tend to clean up a little better than Daya with regard to the stove and counters, and that's ok with me. I don't care, as long as she mostly does her part.

I did the dishwasher on Tuesday before I went to Cathy's. (I put the date when I sign; Daya does not.) 

When I left Thurs evening, it needed to be done but it was Daya's turn, so I left it for her.

When I got home Sunday evening she had done it twice.

I did it on Tuesday.

It needs to be done AGAIN today (Wednesday).

I gently reminded her that I'd like it done tonight.

For some reason, she thought that because she did it twice I was also supposed to do it twice.

Something irregular with that might have happened a while ago and we had an exception circumstance, but that is not how we operate in general.

She decided that when I left for Cathy's it wasn't her turn. (It was. If it was my turn I would have done it; I always do. Plus it's written down!)

And she must have used so many dishes in the three days I was gone that she had to do it again.

And somehow that means I'm supposed to do it twice because she...... simply cleaned up after herself???

I could not talk sense to her. She just went into an intense anger, which IMHO was overblown to the situation. 

It's not the stupid argument/disagreement which is a problem. This is normal stuff that happens.

It's this intense anger reaction and inability to communicate and resolve conflict through it.

She holds onto it and just stays angry forever, like she has this huge anger pile she collects.

Mostly she's mad at me, for stupid dumb meaningless crap like this.

It's not healthy.

She hasn't been to therapy since June.  

I doubt she'll start up with it again because of dance.

It didn't really help anyhow.

************

Part of her anger is that she doesn't think she should even have to do the dishwasher, at all.

I did it for the three weeks she was in the Move NYC program... because that was really intense.

So my way of supporting her- the only way she would let me- was to give her a break.

When school started and it was her turn once again, she wanted to know why she still has to do it since she's dancing the same as she was in Move. (She's not. She has a heavy dance schedule but not like Move.)

So I did something nice for her and she tried to turn it into a permanent entitlement.

Wow, that makes me feel really crappy about being nice to her.

Her reasoning? I'm home all day.

Yeah, seriously.

That just pisses me off.

She has this attitude like I'm a lazy spouse or something, and she's gone all day and I'm home doing nothing. It's really, really bizarre.  Some of the things she says to me sound like things she learned from a bad Netflix show with couples fighting or something.

********

It's true that my physical schedule got a whole lot easier- for the first time in my life- since covid.

I am part of the group of people who got a desperately-needed Life Break in this way, and I'm extremely grateful for it. I need it. I have been running an absolutely brutal physical schedule since she was born.

I am so exhausted.

And she doesn't consider that I'm working and maintaining the household.

She just sees me being home all day while she goes to school and dance--- which is what she WANTS to do- and then gives me shit.

There is absolutely no perspective, no appreciation, no gratitude that I make the life she has possible for her.

I'm so tired.

I have to get through this year. I don't have to do it anymore when she's 18.

She'll still need it, but I will be under zero obligation.

I'm so sad about it but also looking forward to not living with this hostility anymore.

It's wearing on me in a bad way; I grew up with so much hostility and I have a very low tolerance for it.

It's very triggering and also just not fair.

There are many days where I'm seriously and genuinely proud of myself for not having a substance abuse problem.