Lately I have been struggling with a heavy sense of feeling disheartened when it comes to people.
And maybe faith, too.
But maybe that needs a question for clarification: faith in what? What was the illusion?
Faith that things change for the better. Faith that this very strange path I have been walking has been worth it, faith that it means something, That there is some kind of positive benefit from it. Faith that signs actually mean something. Faith that positive experiences and outcomes with people on a long-term, deeply connected level are even possible for my life. Faith that friends really are friends. Faith in new energy.
Here is something I think about: there are so many people in this world who consistently behave really poorly- in their treatment of others close to them, in the things they do, the nasty drama -- and yet, many of them still have people who care, who love them and stick by them, and help them. What a treasure, a gift that is--and in my observations, it is something that is rarely appreciated, if ever.
Friendship is very, very important to me. I take it very seriously. And I do have a couple of true friends still (I think?). Well I hope they are. Until they change their minds. But I have learned over and over that it is more important to me than it is to those who I thought, who said, they were true friends.
People who just change their minds.
Year after year, I keep having negative and hurtful experiences with significant people. Over and over. People who are (were) important and/or close. Friends and family.This year alone I have lost three very significant long-term relationships.
In case one and
case two there was no disagreement, conflict, or fighting, or anything like that. I don't fight with people. I don't take things personally and I don't get angry easily.
Millie told me that's why people take their stuff out on me. Because I don't get upset with them. I don't react. Because I'm safe. I blow it off because I know it is about them, not me. I don't get into fights because I don't take things personally. And because I only fight as a last recourse.
But I REFUSE to be anyone's punching bag, emotional or otherwise. It is NOT ok to mistreat someone because you are experiencing life difficulties. We ALL are dealing with life's difficulties.
This third one....well, when I went to Utah I asked one of my best friends to check in on the cats and scoop litter. I told her I was behind in cleaning and I apologized, I truly wasn't home much at all in May or the beginning of June, and with everything I had to take care of, I fell behind in keeping up with my apartment. When I was home, I was just completely zonked.
I am one person doing everything- and I do mean everything- alone. No help whatsoever with anything, ever. Something had to give, and what gave was the damn housework.
She said no worries.
But she thought my apartment was way too messy so she took it upon herself to clean --- but it came with a
massively heavy hand of judgement and condemnation. She said some awful hurtful things to me. Had she just cleaned a little to help out, and said "Hey Jess, I know you have been busy and overwhelmed, I wanted to help you out," I would have said, "Wow thanks! Can I take you out to dinner?"
But no. Searing condemnation and harsh judgement is not loving, caring, or helpful. Never mind that I have been close friends with this person for
NINE YEARS and she has been to my apartment many, many times with no issue whatsoever. And I did not ask her to do anything but scoop some cat litter. Before I went away, we were absolutely fine. No fighting, conflict, nothing. To my knowledge I did nothing to her to upset her. And I said so. I said everything I needed to say, it meant nothing. Hurting me like that meant nothing--in fact it is apparently my fault for feeling attacked and taking things personally.
I have a pretty high tolerance threshold, and many things I choose to just let go. This pushed me past my limit of just letting it slide,
Well, yesterday brought the final closure; she officially dumped me. From my perspective, on a fact-based level, is that my friend checked in on my cats, didn't like the state of my apartment, so she cleaned and went through MY space, that has nothing to do with her, without my knowledge or consent, she judged and condemned me, and based on the state of my apartment and my reaction to her words and actions she doesn't like me anymore.
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It is hitting me so hard because I was feeling so good, so positive at the beginning of the year. So hopeful; I felt like this was a year to bring in new positive energy. Instead I have more losses, and nothing new comes in to fill in the spaces.
And it isn't like I'm sequestered; I am most definitely out and about in NYC.
To me, my friends are my family, and just like my biological family, it all ends up shattered.
I just can't do it any more. I'm done.
I look to myself, to see my fault or shortcoming in it. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I'm not finding anything significant. I talk to others about it and they can't answer it, either. But still, there must be something wrong with me.
I think I need to just stay away from people from now on. It hurts too much, it isn't worth it. I officially give up.
If I'm really that awful, I will refrain from inflicting myself on others.
If I'm ok and it's others that are awful, I will refrain from inflicting them on myself.
Either way, I AM DONE.
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When, consistently throughout life from childhood on, you really have no one, you turn to yourself and your inner world. I'm absolutely fine and comfortable being alone, being with myself. What I would like is some balance to that. I'll always be an internal person; that is my nature. I will always be my own person. But I would really, really like to bring in some balance externally, with other people. I think there is a lot to learn. I have a lot to give. I am very loyal. But it doesn't seem to matter at all, or have any worth.
Part of just being human is to seek connection. But at this point I truly just think it is not possible for my life. I don't know why. But it is just the most impossible thing.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being knocked down, getting myself up, just to get knocked down again. Over and over. So why bother getting up. It's not worth it. I do not have the positive experiences and relationships which balance out all the negative ones.
I'm sorry if that sounds like negative self-sorry drivel but
I HAVE REALLY HAD ENOUGH. I am absolutely completely long-term exhausted. I don't have the energy anymore.
Jackie says she still loves me, and Dru still does too. So that's something to be thankful for. They are very nice good people, for sure.
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No tarot because I am just too scrambled and messed up inside.
