topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, May 08, 2015

Deflated

I got dumped by a friend- a long-term close friend- and it was because of nothing I said or did.  She dumped everyone in our little group.  The conflict was between her and someone else.  I explained that to her. The person who had the conflict told her it was just between the two of them. But I still got dumped. I truly do not feel I deserved to get dumped because she had a conflict with another friend.

Through many years, I have been a very good friend to this person. I don't think that matters to her though. This stings quite a lot.  Not even halfway through the year, and I have already lost two very significant friendships.  And there was nothing I could have done/said/done differently in either case.

I keep losing important person after important person.  I have been so sad about these continual losses, one after another, year after year, that I can't even feel sad anymore.  To be honest, I'm glad I can't feel it anymore, because that's better than the hurt.

How is there NOT a pattern here?  I don't get it.  On some level that I truly don't know, it must be a fault of mine somehow.  Otherwise why would it keep happening?

Last night I had horrible dreams about it.

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Card for the day Metamorphosis (upright)
Lisa must have put some magic into all my cards being upright.  I have run out of magic myself, so I really appreciate that.


My Interpretation:  Metamorphosis is of course the change from a caterpillar into a butterfly. I guess moths do it too.  In so many ways, I feel like a butterfly and a caterpillar at the same time.  It depends on the aspect of my life.

There are ways in which I deeply want to grow and experience life, but though I look for and am open to opportunity, nothing ever happens. There are ways in which I feel completely encased in a chrysalis.  I want to come out, I am trying to get out, and the damn thing just won't open.  I must be missing something big, some kind of no-brainer.

2+5=7 I already posted about 7.  I don't know if I care about the numbers anymore. Whatever.

Booklet says: "You are in the process of deep and beautiful change."  Booklet goes on to talk about transformation involving losses. Letting go.

Yeah.

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry about your friend, Jessica, I lost a long-term friend last year, it was my own fault, but I still felt sad about it.

    In retrospect, now, as I look back, I feel no sadness, just acceptance. It was meant to be for a reason, I now realise she wasn't really a very good friend, she did a lot of taking and she also stomped my boundaries. Although, I do appreciate the good times and the kindnesses she showed me when I was at a low ebb.

    People come into our lives and leave them for a reason, it is hard to see at first, but when you look back in several months time, you will see it.

    But meantime, you feel sad and bad, so (((((hugs)))))) to you xxx

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  2. I'm terribly sorry, Jessica. Love you.

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  3. So sad. :(

    I have never had enough close friends for this really to have happened much to me from this perspective...I'm the one who tends to leave for various reasons, occasionally emotional but often just because of distance or the need to move on. It always tears me up. I still feel really bad about some distances I have.

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  4. So glad to be a positive aspect in your life. May all your cards be upright. Thanks for the shout out. As to losing close friends...well it can be rough. I haven't had to deal with that in some time. My friends usually die, you see, I am getting to "that" age. Sigh~~

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