41 Hours

I went camping on Friday for a quick overnight.

Because I had a hotline shift Saturday evening, I had to leave early which was a bummer, but I meet my obligations.

I wasn't gone long enough to decompress at all, but I'm still glad I went even though the travelling was a little intense, especially coming home.

There were drunk dramatic teenagers (that's what we are calling them, if they weren't still teens they weren't much older...) who were blasting music and screaming at the top of their lungs until 4:30am.

They had a fight at some point too.

Or something that sounded like it.

No one got any sleep.

None.

Everyone was PISSED in the morning.

Several of us complained to the camp office, who talked to them.

Those stupid kids thought that because they couldn't SEE other people there weren't any.

Nevermind that it is a large camping ground.

I stopped home for a half hour, showered and changed quickly, and went to the hotline.

By the time I got there I had been awake for 36 hours.

By the end of the shift it was 41 hours, and my head was beyond done. 

Beyond caffeine, beyond adrenaline.

They took pity on me and let me go 15 minutes early which got me home before midnight!

Sunday I recovered.

Daya came home and stayed for a few hours to eat and do laundry.

Aside from "I had a damn good time" I know nothing about her trips and she doesn't want to talk about it.  I am sad about this, I'd like to be more connected to her but she does not want that.

She looks great and I'm glad she had a good time. I'd love to know more about it.

********

Here are some pictures and a painting.

Me and Aimee....

My safety vessel check is no longer expired.

Throne Rock

I am a tick and bug spray cloud of doom.

We hugged trees.

Aimee strikes a pose....

I brought some nice salmon and veggies for dinner.

Sunrise Saturday morning.

Of course I got rained on.

I did a painting......

And for the second time I can recall, I forgot to swap out my tripod quick release plate from the other box. Damn!

I remember thinking to do it and then I didn't... I'll have to add it to my packing list.

So doing the painting was a little annoying between not having proper tripod support and the rain...

But I liked the scene and there were a lot of problems to think about.

6x8 oil

We went canoeing and there were lily pads.

I paddled and Aimee studied wilderness first aid.

Daya had to fly thru Doha.

Friday

I was up early packing, because I'm going on an overnight camping trip with some boathouse friends.

This is good, I need to get away, even if only briefly.

I'm feeling very raw today and am just giving myself space.

Tomorrow will be interesting, I have to get back to the city in time to stop home for only a few minutes and then go right to the hotline. I wish my shift was on Sunday instead, but it isn't and I have to meet my obligations.

July arrives next week and I hope over the course of the new month I'll be able to reset and get back to somewhere better. 

******

Daya texted this morning, she is due to come back to NYC Sunday late afternoon.

She has to fly through Doha, which is definitely not ideal.

Then she goes right back to school Sunday night.

I guess someone came up with the money to get her back.

And apparently this insane crazy non-planning doesn't bother her at all.

Morning Paddle, Trapped in SA, & Pebbles

I woke up early and went on the water early.

It was windy but the movement and exercise was good.  

I paddled laps for an hour.

Poop Offenders on the water........

I think the grape kool aid is working though, the dock isn't covered in goose poop.

I don't know if this boat is a parks boat or the oyster people again.

ooohhh look who was on the dock......

*******

Daya is stuck in Cape Town now not because there aren't flights- but because now no one has money to get her home.

She starts a job on Monday at Juilliard, if she misses any training she will lose the job.

I'm not getting involved.

I'm the only person who is astounded by the complete lack of planning and last-minute arrangements.

She's safe; I'm not worried.

Also, she's very happy over there.

She can figure this one out without me.

********

Pebbles is no longer on the crazy special diet.

She will stay on the prednisone.

She's eating Fancy Feast Senior and she's gained 1/4 of a pound, and the vet said she's looking better than she has for a long time.

Living around things

I wish I could go back in time to Jan 1 2025.

Maybe I could do some things differently, make some different decisions and protect my feelings a little better.

This whole year has been one thing after another, it's just a lot of emotional stuff and being triggered and also the problem of false hope. Some of it I did to myself- unintentionally but still. 

A lot of it is old stuff coming up very intensely that isn't anything I could ever do anything about (I have tried), and some of it I could have maybe not have been open to.... big maybe there. 

I don't know. I tried. Didn't work.

I don't see any benefit to any of it, just stuff I have to get over that hurts me. 

And I'm tired of having stuff to get over with nothing positive to counterbalance it. 

I'm not learning anything from it, I'm not growing from it.

All that is happening is reinforcement of things I don't want to be reinforced (again) and thought I could overcome. Guess not.

Cumulatively, I'm not feeling good about my overall life experience.

I feel like my life has been all about navigating and living through and around trauma and picking up the pieces and doing the best I can from the fallouts of other peoples' dysfunction, interpersonal wars, severe mental illness, abandonment, foundational rejection on repeat, loss, and lack of integrity. 

The events of my life sound like a bad hotline call.

There is truth in being the hero of your own story, and things are what you make of them, and you are in control of your own happiness and thoughts etc, but this isn't about happiness.  It's also true that we are absolutely affected by other people, for better or worse. No one lives in a bubble.

Through the years I have worked on myself a lot but it doesn't seem to matter, I always find myself in the same place coming up empty. I'm so tired.

**********

I often get feedback from different people in different situations, people tell me I have great energy, people tell me I look good.

My self-care is excellent. I am physically healthy and active, I have wonderful friends, I have my painting, the boathouse, the hotline......I am financially stable, I have a good job....... and while all of this is good, I feel like it all just barely keeps my head above water.

It doesn't seem to matter.

And it isn't a gratitude issue, which is one of the worst things to bring up when someone is having a hard time. I feel like I haven't been able to really live- all I have ever done is survive and piece myself back together from other peoples' effects on my life.

Living is a lot different than surviving.

********

I know that the core of everything stems from old family issues and trauma.

It comes up because of my mother's current state, and other things.

And I have come to realize there are things that never really go away.

They can go dormant and we can live around them, you can be in therapy for many years, but they never really go away and can be seriously triggered no matter how much therapy and self work a person has done. That's what I am finding.

I feel like so much of my life has been focused on getting through and living around things and just coping. And in a lot of ways, no matter how I try to stay afloat and try to overcome, I don't think I really ever stood a chance. The statistics agree with me, unfortunately. 

All I can seem to manage is barely keeping my head above water and it is exhausting. I can't stop though, I have to keep my external structures going. For me and Daya.

I don't know how to overcome the effects of foundational trauma, doing everything right doesn't work.

Positive intention, personal energy cultivation, faith, prayer, stability, self awareness and self esteem... all seem to fall short when it really matters.

********

Maybe part of the reason I am on the hotline is to be for others what I never got in the times I needed it the most. 

To make it exist in the world somehow. 

To be able to just be comfort in a dark place with someone and not try to make it better or "fix" it, or tell them what they should or should not do, or think I know them better than they know themselves.  

People do not need others to analyze them, unless they are in therapy.  Leave that to therapists.

Because of the hotline I have gotten very sensitive to other people deciding to analyze and problem-solve my life if I express upset, or stupid assvice comments that are just very dismissive and invalidating. None of it is a good way to respond to people. People trying to "fix" others are generally talking out of their clueless asses, and it's very dismissive. That's not what people need.

*******

I am off work tomorrow and Friday.

Daya is not home, tomorrow was going to be Pebbles' last day in this life, but it won't be.

I don't think she's ready yet and I have to wait for Daya anyhow.

I do think it is just a matter of time though.

I think tomorrow morning might require an early morning paddle and maybe a swim in the river.

Maybe the river will take my feelings out with the tide.

Stuck in South Africa

Daya is stuck in South Africa.

Apparently most of the flights out of Cape Town go through the Middle East and that airspace is closed due to this brand new war.......

I don't know why she can't go through Frankfurt or Istanbul (she went through Istanbul to get to Cape Town)...

She was supposed to arrive home today, but this morning I checked her location and.....

.... yep she's at the gym.

This is a very Daya-thing to do... find and go to the gym wherever she is.

I haven't heard much from her so I hope she's having a good time down there.

She's with her family and I'm not worried about her.

I have no idea when she'll be home, but it definitely won't be today.......

Trash Boat & Remote Working Perks

It's hot.

Yesterday I went to the office for the good air conditioning.

This morning I had to edit some scripts, so I didn't need my big monitors for video editing.

I wasn't going to stay at home, so I went down to the boathouse to work from there and get an early morning paddle in.

I got there a little later than anticipated, about 7:45.... so I did my work and then went on the water for a bit, before I had to be on a call. The plan was to go to the office after my meeting because I knew my audio would come in and I would have editing work.

Bitz also came with her dog to work from the boathouse.

It looks like my grape kool-aid is working, the dock has no goose shit on it!

There was a lot of trash in the embayment and I removed it... people are so awful with their plastic plastic plastic plastic everywhere trash. I hate plastic!

I found a Croc for the dog (she loves it) and a weird handmade wooden spoon thing which I am keeping.

It needs to go in the dishwasher..........

The Croc holds up well to a destructive pup.....

Someone is tired.....

The boathouse is about a 15 minute walk from the office.

I walked over in the heat.

The elevator told me it was 99 degrees.

I got a lot of work done then went home.

The mayor primary is today and I did vote.

Fuck Cuomo, we don't need him, I hope he doesn't get on the ballot.

Palma's Garden & More Rockaway

my friend Palma lives in Far Rockaway, and sometimes when I go down there I see her.

We met up tonight.

She has a garden plot, and she gave me some lovely fresh produce for tea and salads!

We went to the beach to chat.

This is at Beach 90th.

This is a little 6x8 oil 45 minute painting.

I'm not sure which picture is better, one is dark, one is too exposed, but here they are.

It was good to have Palma's company.

Our kids are the same age and both went to LaGuardia.

I have been through a lot of Intense, and Palma has been through a lot of Intense.

Bad stuff. Losses of people in our lives just wrecked by mental illness, and that is it's own kind of loss.

She is also an artist.

Also, we are both in a very dark place these days and it's nice to be with someone with whom that is ok.

Grape Kool Aid Goose Repellent

 According to the internet, grape kool aid repels geese.

I got some and took it to the boathouse.

It's labeled so no one drinks it.

I made a thick paste out of it and painted several places on the dock- not the dock floor itself, but several strategic places where no one goes, and no one touches.

I'll check back tomorrow to see if there is any impacted goose activity.

I was not going to go on the water today but I ended up being on patrol for 4 hours.

I got a little sunburned on my ankles of all places despite refreshing my sunblock...

So now I'm going to have stupid tan lines.

Four hours, and patrol today was particularly tough... there was a lot of wind and people were just not listening. They were blowing all over the place- over to Pier 40 and against the wall. 

I am feeling very edgy and not-ok today and wasn't really in the mood to deal with non-listening drifting people but I did it anyhow.

1 single and 1 double tipped over.

I got a good workout at least, so there's that....

Tomorrow morning I am going to the office and I had planned on an early morning paddle, but after today I don't think that's happening.

This upcoming week is weird... Daya comes home Wednesday (I think?????), I don't have a hotline shift until Saturday (long time between shifts), I think?? I'm going camping Friday to Saturday, and of course Pebbles on Thursday.

And it's going to RAIN RAIN RAIN again this week.

My Focuser is Broken (Again)

Today was very hot but it didn't rain.

After running some errands I went down to Rockaway to paint.

Being on the beach on a Saturday is not my favorite thing, especially the bus ride back.

***********

I can't paint these days.

I don't know if it's my crap mental health or the thing that happens where I forget how to paint for a little while because I'm indexing a lot of information.

(I absorbed a lot last fall and earlier this year and was painting a LOT...)

So I don't know what's causing my slump but it's still good I got out.

I have completely lost my mojo.

Pebbles is also on my mind (in addition to Other Things) and there is like maybe a 15 % chance I won't be able to go through with Thursday. It has not fully hit me at all and I have avoided thinking about it.

I have stopped all her treatment except pills.

She eats the regular food because she doesn't like her $$$ novel protein food anymore.

But really the big thing is I can't isolate her, she's miserable.

Which is probably contributing to the peeing.....

Anyhow here is a painting that lacks focus and is a little too chromatic from what I was intending:

8x10 oil, around Beach 120th.

Being Somewhat Useful in NJ

This morning I left early to go to NJ to see my friend Grace.

She's moving to TX and still has a lot to do around the house, so I went to visit and help out.

I'm sad Grace is leaving but I don't think it'll affect our friendship at all.

She'll be coming back and forth a lot, already has been, so we'll still see each other, and of course we'll still chat.

I got to do touch-up paint on the walls with some extremely old goopy paint, and we went for a walk.

I'm so grateful for my good friendships.

It really does help when my underwater self isn't ok.

After NJ I went down to the boathouse.

Bitz and I ended up doing a 102 class for someone who can't make it on Wednesdays.

Otherwise it was a quiet evening at the boathouse and I left before sunset.

Crap-Free Zone

This morning I am off work, and I'm just floating around not sure what to do with myself.

There is some stuff going on, nothing new (mostly) and I need to be busy and hopefully useful to pass the time.  

I don't know why life seems to like to poke me to get my attention and make things look a certain way only to say nevermind, just kidding!

I don't like it, I'm really sick of it, I don't understand the point of it, and it just seems pointless and cruel. So right now currently, I have yet one more heavy thing to get over that I REALLY didn't need. Literally the last thing I needed.

So yes, I'm upset and sad. Life seems to be a series of things to get over without any benefit. It doesn't matter what I do, or don't do, or anything really, I always seem to come up empty even when a situation really looks like it's going to come through.

So, I'm ok on the surface but my underwater self is not ok.

******************

I got a new boathouse key that works, so I got to the boathouse around 8:30am to go on the water for an early morning paddle.

The oyster people were in our embayment, presumably checking on the oysters.  They were there for a long time, like 4 hours.

The early morning paddle was peaceful.

I'll probably start going on the water before work when I go to the office.

I try to leave my feelings in the river but they still stick to me.

It's nice to be out alone.

I stayed on the water for about an hour, then decided it was time to power wash the dock, which was absolutely covered in massive amounts of goose shit.

There is a sign that restrooms are at Pier 25, but these geese are not good listeners.

And there are so many of them!

It's so gross.

The goose-repellent flags definitely do not work.

The public program was supposed to start at 1, so I had some time.

Look how gross this is.

We can't have the public on the dock in this condition!

The whole dock loading area was like this, all the way down.

Getting the power washer on the dock and working properly is quite a mission.

You have to run a few extension cords from the boathouse, but that's the easy part.

The hard part is hooking up the water... and I had never figured this out alone before.

I kind of knew how to do it...

Basically you have to hook up the water and hose switches properly in three places and hope for the best.

It took a while and much switching of valves happened, but I did finally get it working!

Next time I have to do this it'll go a lot faster, and I am very proud of myself for getting it to work.

Really, it is a very convoluted process!

One of the water hookups that requires a special pipe adapter!

Crap-free zone, for a few hours at least......

I am very proud of this nice clean dock.

After I cleaned the dock, it was about noon.

I went back on the water with a sandwich and a tow rope.

I tied my kayak to a buoy and went for a swim.

Then people started showing up and it was time for me to get off the water and leave the boathouse for the day.

I will probably be power washing the dock a lot this season.

Stupid geese.

Attempted Beautification

Today is Fathers Day which is sitting heavy with me this year.

All the stuff with my mother is dredging up a lot of old feelings, all with family and loss etc.

It is overcast and spitting rain outside but I need to keep busy, so down to the boathouse I went to stay all day.

It was cold and although the public program stayed open, it was slow.

I didn't do much with that though, because today my work was inside the boathouse.

I put a second coat of paint on the shower floor (Bitz did the first coat):

And then it was time to do the bathroom, which has been disgusting for a long time.

Today was exactly the kind of day to do the boathouse bathroom floor.

I washed and sanitized it and wouldn't let anyone in:

I had to get between the toilet and the wall twice- once to tape and once to paint.

I'll have to do it again for the second coat next week....

Definitely a small person has to do it, it's a tight space.

Also, several of the men at the boathouse have horrible bathroom etiquette... seriously, it's bad and gross.

I don't know how men reach adulthood without basic bathroom manners...... it's just so gross.

The first coat.... so much better!!

It was, of course, raining when I left to go home.

The Rain Will Never Stop

Rain all day.

ALL DAY.

I need to move to a different planet or something, this is just dreadful.

The only thing getting me out today is the hotline.... which actually is a good thing.

Oh my god all this rain......

I can't.