In a Couple of Weeks...

I'll be 40 in a couple of weeks.

Just about every single day I think about what to write about that, and I keep putting it off.
I don't want to turn 40.

While it is true that my life on Oct 30th won't be any different, this is a decade change and a mentally big one. Society says I'm not young anymore, I'm in mid-life.

The weird thing is that mentally I'm starting to feel older. But in a lot of ways, I've always been old mentally.

I look good for my age.  Actually I look better than a lot of people just 5 years younger than me. I attribute this to diet and lifestyle and good skincare.  Wearing daily sunblock starting as a teenager really does pay off. So does not smoking and not baking in the sun.  So does a reasonably healthy diet.

I have never had a cavity or a weight problem. I weigh less right now than I did before I had Daya...not much, but I can fit the same clothing size I was in my 20s.

Nevertheless I think turning 40 for women in particular is a transition in how we are viewed by society. It's scary. It is a turning point.

I don't know if this is a universal thing, but I can't help but review my life.
I have a lot of failed relationships.
No family relationships.
I own no property or anything of any real value.

I was doing ok financially in my 20s but being left with a child and no help has really killed me financially. That's the truth of it. I'm very responsible and I have a good job, but I'm just working to pay the bills which get higher and higher no matter how good I am at keeping up.

During my entire 30s decade I had very little freedom. No financial freedom, no physical/logistical freedom, no freedom of time, and taking care of everything alone left me with little mental or emotional freedom. I lost a lot of opportunities. So many Life Doors closed. I wasn't able to do a lot of the "normal" things and re-establish myself properly.  Only now am I beginning to get some of that freedom back, very gradually...at least enough to have a boyfriend which I am very grateful for. Rob is the best thing that has happened to me in all this time. And now I am staring down Daya's Teenage Years which is no joke.

Through my 30s I have had the same job and have lived in the same apartment.
I'm better at painting than I was 10 years ago.
My home organization is much better than 10 years ago... I do feel that is a Life Challenge I successfully overcame during my 30s.  It was a carry-over from my mother and how I was raised, something I had to learn and change, and I have done it. So I'm proud of that.

I know some women have said their 40s were better than any previous decade...I hope that holds true for me too.  All the same I am dreading it.  Maybe it is a dread-thing before and up until the day, and after everything just normalizes.