September to Now, Consolidated

I need to catch up with September.
Overall I have been dealing with some pretty bad anxiety, but honestly I really think anyone in my situation would be, I think I am having normal reactions to highly stressful situations.

Labor Day:
Daya and I rented a boat in Flushing Meadows and had a lovely day.





Tram:
I took Daya on the Roosevelt Island tram.
Now she has done all the NYC transportation options: car, boat, train, bus, walking, bike, tram.






Keyring
Daya told me she lost the key to the lobby. This is a very odd thing to lose, so I asked her how it happened.

Apparently she thought that taking her keys off the keyring and letting them float around loose was a good idea.

She does not know why she thought this was a good idea.

I'm not going to let her live it down.  Ever.

Locked In
We got locked in the dance studio.
Here is a picture of Daya unsuccessfully trying to get out.
Ms Victoria was the only other person in the building and she had to come downstairs from the 4th floor to rescue us.

Rat Sitting
We had 5 house guests for most of the month... 5 lovely rats from an artist who went on an art residency in France.
They were really excellent rats.

Painting:
I am still working on a new series of Topiary cats. I have 5 paintings out of 7 going in various stages of completion.

I also built and launched my website and had some cards printed.  It was a LOT of work, and I was literally working like a crazy person for three days straight.  Then I kept tweaking and changing things over the next 2 weeks, including breaking stuff and having to fix it.  My site is an evolution, but it is good for now and I'm SO GLAD this has finally been accomplished.  I have been needing to do it for years...actually started a few years ago but never finished it.

Upstairs Noise:
I still have a dumb amount of anxiety about it.  They have been quiet for the past couple of weeks.
But there have been some issues, and I know my reaction is overblown especially when they are quiet.  When they blast I go into crazy-mode and it takes me a long time to calm down from it.

Apparently from talking to others and reading stuff, I'm pretty normal in my reaction to unwanted noise in my home.  It is severe as I have only had a reduction in the last few months... otherwise it has been consistent for the last year and a half and my nerves are completely shot.

Even when they are quiet I can't quite let go of the anticipation.

I'm over-stressed.
I can't seem to get my relaxation back down to 0 no matter how hard I try.
Everything is too much.
And there's stuff with Daya too that I just don't want to write about, but it is enormously stressful.

Time Travel:
We apparently went back to the year 2000.

Driving:
I have done over 60 hours with Charlie in the car. A lot of it has been in scary rush hour Manhattan, including 4 lane unmarked construction roads which is freaking scary.

Because the days are getting shorter and I have a daylight only license, I have to stop my lessons.  I know I need to make that jump to going out alone, so I enrolled in Zipcar. I mentioned it to Charlie on our last lesson and he had a really weird reaction.  It was not encouraging at all.  He said I was skipping his process.

It was POURING rain during our lesson and he was really emphasizing all my mistakes and acting.... just really differently than he ever has.

My confidence plummeted to complete zero.

I spent a couple of days being very upset.

Then I contacted a driving school right in my neighborhood for an evaluation lesson, which as of the writing of this post I haven't done yet, but will do this weekend.

I still need to learn how to park, and I need freeway lessons as I have not done either of those things.  I also want a driving school to evaluate my driving overall and fill in any gaps.

In addition to zipcar, I got a GPS and a driver seat pillow for a few extra inches because I really am that short and can't see over the dashboard.

I'm still feeling really scared and need to build my confidence, but honestly I really should be ok for the most part especially in normal roads that are not Manhattan construction rush hour traffic.  Plus, the GPS will help me a lot too.  I just feel there is so much I still don't know.

Work

I now work for a different company as of Tuesday because we got bought.

Nothing has changed, but there will be cuts and that starts next week.

The Cats:

They are fine.

Uncategorized Cool Picture:
From the dance team meeting.

8th Grade!

We made it to 8th grade!!!!!

Here are the traditional first day of school pictures, taken in the same place since the first day of preschool.

I have good hopes for this year.  There is a lot to do over the next several months- high school applications and auditions.  It will all be over by December.  Daya has done all the prep work.  She has done literally everything she could do, both\in grades and dance.  There is nothing we could have done differently, nothing we didn't do that we should have done.  She is in an excellent place to get excellent results.

So now we are in the home stretch, which is stressful, but in truth all the hard work is already finished.  

One more year in middle school, one more year at the studio where Daya has been dancing for the last 7 years.  She has done extremely well and I am very proud.

Almost September

Oh, this month is dragging on as it always does.
We are in another heatwave which is unpleasant.

My rent went up more than I anticipated.  This is scary because I always wonder about future sustainability- costs keep going up more than income. Everything just keeps getting more and more expensive.  When expenses change I still can't catch up because other things increase.  This isn't unique to me, it is everyone.

Relatively speaking, though, I am still in a really good and fortunate housing situation and I need to remember that, even though the rent increases are super-scary, even in a rent-stabilized unit.

I have to get through the next 5 years.
I have to get Daya through high school.
I have to get her to her 18th birthday.

I can't even think about my own life and what I really want to do beyond the next 5 years.  I'm so focused on just getting through this and maintaining stability.  It's literally taking everything I have, internally and externally. I can't even think about where my own life is going. That has not been an option for me since Daya was born.  My whole life closed due to my circumstance, I literally saw all my doors slam shut.  I was married...before I got pregnant!  I did not sign up for this, yet I have been on my own since before day 1 of this road.

I haven't had the freedom to even consider thinking about my own life goals and what I want for myself has simply been unavailable. I have been completely locked down.  And I'm getting older which is also scary.  But in 5 years I won't have the same constraints.

****
I'm still driving.
I have to get proficient in that, too... and I'm not ready yet.
Charlie says he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he says I'm doing really well and he sees progress.  I see progress too but it's not enough yet, I'm not ready to drive on my own.  There is so much I don't know and things I'm scared of.  And when I'm not taking lessons anymore, and I don't know something, who do I ask for help?  What do I do if I get into a situation and don't know what to do?  I'm up against time with it because I can only drive in daylight.  When the days get shorter I can't do my after-work lessons anymore.  So I stress about that and being ready.

I am not an assertive driver (Charlie says yet) and I still make some bad decisions, and judging distance on the right is hard, and merging lanes is really scary... and looking everywhere while going straight is scary, and sometimes I still misread the road, and I can't read small details like street signs until I'm closer than someone with better eyes.  I will be very GPS-reliant, I think....

But he has me driving on what he says are the hardest streets in the city.  (And believe me they are hard.)  He says it doesn't get any more difficult than what I am doing.

***
I'm still incredibly agitated and resentful of my upstairs neighbors, and I don't like feeling like this.
I spoke to the landlord and he said he would offer them another apartment if they are willing to move.  I haven't heard back yet.  In the meantime I dread the next time they will blast their music into my apartment.  They signed a 2 year lease which means they were not planning on moving this Spring. If they don't move I will ask the landlord again if I can soundproof...well, sound-reduce.  I really can't do full soundproofing. It will cost a lot of money I don't have, thousands, but that's how much I don't want to move.

And I have very specific reasons for not wanting to move.
*I have been in my apartment for 12 years and I love it and it is my home
*We have no one under us which means Daya can practice dance without worrying about the noise.  This has been a tremendous blessing and I can't take that away from her.
*Julie is next door (we love Julie) and is available if Daya needs help when she is home alone.
*Moving would still cost me a lot of money
*My apartment is a big one bedroom.  Another apartment would likely be smaller, even in the same building. The other 1 bedrooms I have been in (same building) are smaller.
*Daya has gym equipment installed into the wall and I have my awesome bathroom sink, both of which would need to be disassembled, moved, and reinstalled... I would have to pay for that. (not giving up my bathroom sink!!!)
*I would probably have a rent increase.
*I might still get crappy neighbors.
*Moving sucks.

****
I need a break.

Manhattan Mission

Daya needed to get out so I sent her on a Manhattan Mission... go to Little Italy and bring back cannolis.

She brought back three kinds- originals, chocolate peanut butter, and mint!

We ate the mint ones before I remembered to take a picture.

Just Some Things

Did you know that you can get actual for reals PTSD from really stupid things?
I shouldn't be judging myself like that, but it really does seem silly on the surface, until it gets Serious and isn't silly anymore.

I have actual for-real professionally-diagnosed PTSD from the neighbors' music upstairs.

Yeah, I thought it was stupid too.
Eva said it isn't stupid, it can happen from all kinds of things.

So I have these neighbors upstairs- for a year and a half- who are LOUD and they BLAST music and I'm still trying to get a resolution.  But the pounding drums and bass have really affected my mental health- badly- I can't have that in my home.  I have been in this apartment for 12 years- many people moved in and out upstairs- and nothing has ever been a problem like this.

I have spoken with the neighbors several times- and the last time I spoke with them I told them how it was affecting me, and it did seem to get better for a while.  But this past weekend they started up again and I went into a Bad Place with it.  Bad enough that I had flashbacks of when I was in high school and my mother used to intentionally blast music at full volume in the car with the sole intent of making me suffer.
I had forgotten all about it.

So that's when the PTSD stops being stupid and becomes a Serious Thing.

I contacted my friend T because I needed immediate help and I knew she would understand, also she is just as weird as I am so that helps. And she did help.  She gave me a person to contact who has helped her. After meditating Sunday night my whole body went into a crazy detox- I felt flushed all over and I could not stop shaking.  I contacted T's person, and she talked to me and did a clearing. (no charge)

She told me I would still have the physical reactions for a little over an hour after, and she was right.

Apparently I had a ton of stuff that just needed to be cleaned out.
I can honestly say I feel so much clearer and better after the cleansing.
I don't feel 100% good, but I do notice a big difference.

The music upstairs is still a huge issue- and is still affecting me badly- but I have more hope of a good outcome now.  I am feeling more connected in general.  T's person said I had been in a weird energy vortex...she didn't know exactly what but she said it was weird and it was time to go.  I think I do know what it was at least partially, nothing bad, but yes, time to go.  She also said I have a ton of guides around me. Standing room only, I was told.... I haven't felt anything for a while so that was just nice to hear. Even if I can't feel it.

I have not been keeping up with my usual basic spiritual hygiene to be honest. Not for a while.
So I need to deal with this noise situation with the landlord,  do triple grids, clearing, meditate, and just recover in general.

I really, really, really need a break from stress.

If you have any  good vibes to spare,  whoever, wherever and whenever you are, please send a few my way,

Thanks.

GW Bridge Plein Air

Today was a good painting day minus the mugginess.

This painting took about an hour and a half.

Jackie and I had a nice time at the Cloisters afterwards.

I have pictures but they are on my camera and I have to get them off and that is too much effort right now.

6x8 oil and gnats

Blue Squared

I haven't painted a still life for a while.  The oils forum project is a blue and painted from life theme,
so I thought I'd find some blue things and paint them.

This was done alla prima. The thee blues I used were pthalo, ultramarine, and prussian.

The darkest blues in the center are a mix of ultramarine and prussian.
I also used asphaltum.

I did come across some limitations with alla prima painting as far as the glass and very high chroma glowing color highlights...which are not in the painting... there are certain effects that have to be glazed for glass I think, but I don't want to spend more time on this painting and it was never intended to be a layered painting.

Or maybe my alla prima skills just aren't up to it.
Thinking back, since the panel wasn't toned I guess I could have done it last by removing paint down to the support and glazing... but I think some effects are better in layered paintings if you want to go super-realistic. The problem was transparency plus very high chroma and that bottle is already mostly paint straight from the tube.

8x10 oil

Connecticut Plein Air

Daya and I went to Connecticut for a few days to visit Cathy and get out of the city.  We had a really nice time.

Every single day we were there it rained and there were thunderstorms, but I still got one painting done.

6x8 oil on panel, hour and a half

A Lovely Dream

I had a dream last night, a really nice dream.....

In my dream I was....


..... drawing with vine charcoal.

:)

I do love vine charcoal.

Nationals!

Tuesday: 15 hour day
Wednesday: 15 hour day
Thursday: 15 hour day
Friday: Competition all day
Saturday: Competition day even longer than Friday

The girls did great.
We had to go to New Jersey.

The stage pictures came out great, but I don't have them yet.

1 PRT

Some traditions are worth keeping, like Pigeon Risk Time.

So here we go again.

I was lamenting to Carey that I haven't figured out how to time-travel through to September.  Yet.

It's hot, long, work is busy, Daya is home, the cats are home, I will work and drive and maybe paint.

I have to say that I'm REALLY ready for school to start, but that doesn't happen until Sept 5.

We can get through this, right?

And it's going to be good and boring and nothing bad will happen.  Right?

Oh, also, it's going to go fast.... right?  Or is that too much to ask for?

Last Week of Ailey

Daya's Alvin Ailey intensive is over.

She did 4 performances over Wednesday and Thursday.

It was just wonderful-- extremely professional.  The highest age in the Junior Division is 16, but every single person there danced like a professional.  The skill level and choreography were superb.

Here is Daya after her Wednesday evening performance:

The last day, Friday, was class observation day.

I don't really get to see Daya's classes anymore.  I haven't seen one of her ballet classes for a long time.

The stuff they were doing.... was intense.  Very focused, very controlled, extremely difficult.

I think dancers at this level all have to be crazy as a prerequisite.

Ballet group picture:

Horton (modern) group picture:

Some cool Daya pictures:

The Hearst Building from Central Park

Charlie tells me to drive as if I have been already driving for 10 years.

My initial reaction to this was, I think, everyone's typical reaction: I thought, what a great idea for approaching painting!

Last week at the plein air event I met an artist named David Nakabayashi and he did a painting that is so good it is sick.  It was an 8x10, oil, Union Square, buildings, foliage, people.... it was amazing.

I want to be able to do that, too.

Since lately I have been getting interested in incorporating figures, it was perfect inspiration.

So today my goal was an 8x10, oil, buildings, landscape, and people.  In Central Park.

This painting took me 3 1/2 hours.  I also learned to check surroundings for garbage cans and avoid... it was a bit stinky until the breeze changed......and when the scent started wafting over, it was too late to move.

This is probably my most ambitious plein air painting to date, and I'm really happy with it.  But I still need a lot more practice!

Setup/progress shots:

Thursday Things

This month is speeding by, as I knew it would.
Next week is Daya's last week at Ailey, which is sad, she loves it so much.  She is doing extremely well there, both socially and with her dance.  Overall it has been a fantastic and intense experience, and she has learned a lot.

Next week there are 4 performances over 2 days, which means two late evenings for her.

Right after Ailey, Daya has 2 competitions which have been a scheduling nightmare with rehearsals.
And some evening classes at the studio.  I'm not a big fan of these dance competitions but I do see how participating in them is valuable for the dancers.  I think they can be very silly and pretentious.
Also, I have to go to New Jersey.

****
I'm still driving!  I drove to Yonkers (and back) the other day!  In the rain!  During rush hour!  I went over a bridge! I drove on unmarked chewed up confusing roads that are under construction!

I can get this, I just need more practice.  It helped that I mentally gave all the looking-for-potential-crazy-stuff-that-might-come-out-of-nowhere to Charlie so I don't have to worry about it.  This lets me learn what I am supposed to learn instead of trying to manage things I'm not ready to manage. I really felt in our last lesson that I really am getting there, I just need time and practice.  Once I wasn't being paranoid about crazy stuff, everything went much more smoothly.  Charlie said I did really well.

So I'm trying to get as much driving in as I can for the rest of the summer.

I also went to the DMV to renew my license, so I'm just waiting for the mail now.  People at the DMV are NOT friendly, not do they respond nicely to a friendly person.  They must be very miserable people.  But they might be less miserable if they were nice and experienced more friendly interactions with the general public... something over which they have influence to an extent.
Dealing with the public is hard and draining, I know, I have done it, but wow, still no reason to be so mean.

*****
I'm still feeling kind of... disappointed? Sad? Giving myself time? ... after my breakup with Rob.  I tend to take my time with these things and I still need more time.  During these long summer days, I'm basically doing my best to not be home.   Especially when I'm out driving after work, I get home late- after 8pm. Same with yoga days. I don't want to be home on weekends either which is why I'm trying to get out and meet new people and paint.  And drag Daya out when she is willing.  I don't want to be home.  It's too depressing.  Evenings I am home-- but I have to be for Daya.  I'm still very bound to needing to be physically around for her. She is still a kid. My freedom is more than it was a couple of years ago, but I'm still very limited.

In the evenings after Daya goes to bed I have been gaming a lot, which has also helped as I have found a pretty awesome group of people. This has developed over time.  I like gaming because it has elements of really needing to think and coordinate, problem solve and evaluate, but it is also  mentally relaxing.  It helps me decompress without turning into a mental zombie, and it is also nice to be on voice chat with nice people.  And I'm glad I did find a group of nice people.... because just like in real life, that can be difficult in the gaming universe.

I do prefer in-person relationships though.

Union Square Paintings

Here are two paintings from the Plein Air event this past weekend.

Both are 9x12 pastel on Colourfix.

The first is a bit complex and took a while, the second was quick, a little over a half hour.

Alphabet City Excursion

I got an email about events happening around the city in many of the community gardens, so we went to the Lower East Side to check it out.  We were at the community garden at 6th St and Ave B.  I really need to go painting there, as well as around the other community gardens.


Daya and I did a scavenger hunt, learned about sugar in drinks, and looked at the different bugs in compost.

                 

\

Daya was hungry afterwards, so we found a literal hole-in-the-wall that had 99 cent slices.

There was a kid with his pizza box using the pizza counter as a table at the hole-in-the-wall.  He was not more than 10 years old.  Very possibly younger.  He bit into his slice and exclaimed, "This pizza is fuckin good!"

I thought this was hilarious.

(*NOTE: the pizza was not that great.  Certainly not "fuckin good". Not even regular-good. Just ok.)

To be honest, the kid was total bad news and I have no doubt that if he isn't already involved in some shady street stuff, he will be very soon.

But I still thought it was hilarious.

Then we walked back West to the train. We saw this sign, and a little further down the block, a decorative guillotine.

It's True

ALL the trains home were broken.
We waited and waited and it was hot.  So we gave up and went to my office to recover and wait it out.
It is very convenient to work in Times Square with 24/7 building access.

The signal problems persisted, so we took the LIRR home.
By the time we got home, the signal problems had STILL not been resolved, but Daya and I were happy to have bypassed the whole mess.

Driving is Scary

I have been spending a good amount of time in my driving lessons.  Last week I did three 2-hour lessons, but usually I'm doing 2 lessons a week.  I started in Kindergarten.  Charlie now says I'm in September of 6th grade. And I am a Zen Master of right turns. :)

My yoga training has stepped in strongly in interesting ways.  Because of my yoga, I know how to turn my neck to get a wide range of vision when looking at my blind spots.  I did this automatically yesterday and Charlie asked if I checked my blind spot-  I had and told him- then I taught him how to turn his neck for better vision over his shoulder.  My yoga training reminds me to breathe and relax- which I need to remind myself of, constantly.

But yesterday things got SCARY too...nothing bad happened, but Charlie took me to a new road exposure experience----- I drove over a bridge and then down Adam Clayton Powell Blvd in Harlem.  It's large and busy with u-turns and traffic lights and buses and trucks and oncoming traffic and people behind me and trees and signs and bicycles and dogs and turning lanes and pedestrians and a cop beeped his siren at me for being too slow and there were 10 BAJILLION THINGS HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME and it was extremely scary.

Charlie says look at the crosswalk (on both sides!!) 2 blocks away to see what's happening down the road.  It is complete visual chaos and I don't know where to look or what to look for and there is no time to look for it.....oh, and the cyclists come out of nowhere too, and people cross in the middle of the street into oncoming traffic, omg it is scary and completely overwhelming.

Also my brain exploded.

I can see things around me just fine as long as they aren't small details. So for example I will see there is a sign ahead but I might not be able to read what it says as soon as Charlie does. I can see the red crosswalk light 2 blocks away but the white one is harder to pick out.  I can't multi-task my attention on the road yet.

I don't know where to look or what to look for in all the chaos and there is no time!

Charlie says we are developing my reflexes and knowing what to look for.  I know I just started but it is so daunting and scary... I do have a fast mind for some things, but I'm scared I won't get this.  Am I too old to learn and is my mind too slow?  Charlie says I have good road eyes- meaning I was doing well on seeing and noticing- he says gaming and bike riding are advantages.  I still game and I biked a lot growing up.  But yesterday was hard. And scary, in case I haven't mentioned that bit.

I'm not very good at seeing small things far away.  And how am I supposed to see everything on both sides of the road, ahead, and behind me all at the same time? I'm scared I will miss Something Important because I didn't see it and Bad Things will happen.

How do people do this?
To be fair, I know a lot of it is the city, the roads aren't nearly so chaotic outside the city- and I'm fine on the side streets- but I still have to learn the busy roads.

I drove through these scary intersections:

****
Daya is doing well at Ailey.  She has a new best friend, Sage, who is from Maryland.  They ride their penny boards together during break.  A penny board is a mini skateboard.  (I didn't know that until Tuesday.)

These summer weekends are long and hard, but the weekdays are going quickly.

Saturday Painting

Yesterday I went to a meetup for sketching in Central Park.  It was a nice change since I'm always out alone.

The trains were so messed up and I got there about a half hour late...the way it was organized, we sketched for about an hour then stopped to look at all the work.  There was no critique.

I liked this very much, it was nice to see all the work...there are some good artists there!

Since I got there late I only had about a half hour for my first sketch.

I worked in pastel, 9x12 on black Strathmore Artagain paper.

My figure drawing sessions must have been influencing me, because I NEVER do outdoor paintings this fast!  I average about an hour with an 8x10, sometimes longer. And these were 9x12.

There were pigeons all over this statue, which I thought was fun.

In this first painting I was trying to go fast without it looking messy.  It does look a little messy tho...

This is my second piece...about 40 mins... MUCH faster than how I normally work.

I think this speed painting was good for me. It is definitely an influence from the figure drawing sessions.  My mindset was different than when I go out alone.  I had a work fast around a lot of people mentality, because that's exactly what I signed up for.  When I go out alone I am slower and it is different than being in a group.

Smooth paper might have also made a difference-- I have always taken sanded paper with me, and that holds more layers.  Maybe I am more careful with it...  I don't know.  I'm interested to see how I paint (in pastel) the next time I go plein airing by myself.  Will I slow down as I normally do, or speed paint again? Something in between?

Muscles!

We went to the playground yesterday evening.

There are a few around the neighborhood, but we went to the one by Daya's first elementary school...she has grown up in this playground.  I used to take her here when she was a cute little toddler.

Daya has a lot of nostalgia for the playground, because she remembers being really tiny on the same playground equipment she's a little too big for now (but she will still play on).

Daya usually has leggings on but yesterday she had shorts on and... she has gotten some serious leg muscles from all her dancing!  She is very proud of her muscles and she should be, she works very hard for them.

She's also very happy because Ailey moved her up a level.  Now she will be in pointe class twice a week, which means her new shoes will probably be dead by the end of the month.  :(

Better Numbers?

Here is an ad that is in the subway:

Whoever chose the post to display.... could have chosen a better one.

89 mad people and 8 comments is..... really lame.  

It really doesn't emphasize the message very well at all.