Waterworks

I had a full Waterworks Upgrade over the weekend!
On Friday (I worked from home) the super came in and changed my kitchen faucet, and I got a really nice new one which is 1) not on backwards and 2) actually shuts off.

On Saturday Rob came over and put in my new sink and my new door.

It isn't straightforward... wow, he did a lot of work!  He got me a nice new faucet, too.

Rob brought all his Cool Stuff. And he used it.

Faucet assembly!

Hacksaw for pipe-cutting!

Old yucky messed-up door!

Cat-Approved.

Little Star

Daya went to the dentist last night for her cleaning.  (She is still allergic to the light)...and she had a teeny little cavity. Sigh. Under the sealant. Sigh.  

She got a little tiny cavity on her right molar (#30 for the dental-inclined)... the dentist (we both LOVE her) fixed it right away...and she let me feel it with the dental poke-tool and showed me how it wasn't just a stain. Fixing it took all of five minutes- no shot needed or anything, it was just so minor but it would have gotten worse for sure.

It is honestly no big deal, but I was really hoping to get her through childhood at least with no fillings in her adult teeth. It's harder with braces, I know that, and let's hope this is the last filling she needs.

So now Daya has a little teeny star on molar #30.

FLIP: Messy

Carey and i are starting our projects again!

FLIP Illustration- Fun Loopy Illustration Projects.

The theme this week is Mess.

Here is Furball looking clueless and derpy after she knocked over my tray of Unisons.

"I Didn't Do It!"

9x12 pastel (mungyo semi-hards) on Uart 400.

Alas!

I haven't posted anything painting-related in a little too long......

But there is something on my easel, because Carey and I decided to resume our weekly projects.

I'm glad because it really does keep me moving.

So, there is a pastel up on my easel and it needs a lot of work.

I'm using my Mungyo semi-hards, which I love madly.

...and...ALAS!

On Sunday when I started my new painting, my easel gave out and I am really bothered by this.  The.... thingy.... which tightens the painting from the top has gone and died on me so I can't tighten the painting to the mast of my easel.

Which causes difficulty.

It's this thing:

See where the threads are stripped?

I don't know what this is called but surely it can be replaced..... right??

Dignified

Pebbles LOVES Rob and she is also extremely self-satisfied and self-important.

Because she knows she matches the wine.

Cat Barre

Daya has converted her ballet barre into a cat toy.

Pebbles spends a disproportionate amount of time in The Box Drusilla Sent (a year and a half ago) and Furball loves the hanging catnip toy. Isis roams around looking fluffy and scratching things.

I am happy Daya has a room with nice wood floors where she can practice.

She really does have good space to practice.

All artistic pursuits require always-available dedicated space.

(SIDE NOTE: I always find it odd when people with much more living space than I have tell me they don't have room for their painting space, they wish they did etc....you make room. If it is important you make room.)

If it was up to Daya she would sleep on a gym mat in an empty room with no furniture.

(I said no to that)

This year we have removed quite a lot of her furniture and her room at this point is mostly open space.  It is very nice.  And sunny. She likes to put those huge gym mats down with the spare mattress from her top bunk.

She wanted to get rid of the top bunk but I said no. After serious consideration.

We are in a one bedroom apartment- it is an excellent apartment- but it is still a one bedroom and we really have to maximize storage space while still keeping floor space open.

So I said No to removing the top bunk.  We simply need the space and the bunk bed is very space efficient.

When I told her she doesn't have to use it as a bed- it can be mat storage- and we moved the bed across the room- and especially when she figured out she can use the spare mattress to practice back handsprings- she finally decided to like her bunk bed again.

The Room(s) Where it Happened

School is out all week........ these school holidays were so much better when I was a kid and I was off.....well, we didn't get as much time off back then....

Anyhow Daya is out of school this week.

Yesterday she came to work with me. It's been a while since Daya has been in the office.  I hooked up her computer, got her internet, and she played Roblox all day. And she had an unlimited supply of free hot chocolate.

After work we went to yoga together, and it was a good class.

Daya did a pretty excellent shoulder stand.

She's good with the physical part, but she needs to grow into the internal/mental/meditation part.  The infinite part. It is a different pace than she is used to- it isn't dance class. Also, she is eleven.

The asanas do have very definite benefits, internal and external, but yoga isn't about how well you can do it, or even how flexible you are (or are not).

It isn't about showing off, or what anyone else thinks.

Daya is definitely a natural yogi (she even has a yoga name! Daya is a Sanskrit name) and I wish she would embrace the internal part a little more, because it would really help her right now, but it isn't something that can be forced.

A lady came up to us after class to ask how old Daya is and to say she is really amazing. Which is true.

*****

Then we finally used the gift card Rob gave Daya for her birthday and went to dinner.

*****

Daya's phone ran out of juice, so on the way home we each took one of my earbuds and listened to Hamilton together.

BY THE WAY if you are not familiar with Hamilton you ought to do yourself a favor and check it out, it is seriously brilliant and amazing.

We had possibly the goofiest ride home, as goofy as possible without being annoying to others. Daya is obsessed with Hamilton, she knows the whole score and has dance moves.  I already took her to the Met to see the Hamilton portrait, Next up we have to go downtown to Trinity Church to see the grave.

Drusilla says the Museum of Finance downtown has more stuff, too.  

I grew up in New England in Newtown CT, which is a pre-Revolutionary War town (founded 1705)- so we heard a whole lot about Revolutionary War Stuff pretty much all the time.  But NYC is, of course, a fantastic place to scout out historic sites. So I'm really glad Daya is into it- we live in a perfect place to explore.

Aside from having a nice talk at dinner, I think it was a really good thing for Daya and me to just spend time together having fun and being a bit silly.

Dixie and Harvey

Dru and Branwen came over last night for a little birthday party for Branwen.

Rob came over, too.

Here is a little painting I did of Branwen's cats.  Harvey (who is a girl) is on top and her mom Dixie is below. 

Pastel on black Richeson sanded paper, 8x10

V Day

I always do something for Daya for Valentine's day...usually chocolates.
This year I got her a box of chocolates and 2 cards... one from me and one from the cats. I sneak into her room when she is asleep and leave it for her to see first thing in the morning.


                        


**********
Rob took me out which I really appreciate, especially on a Tuesday night after work.

We went to a really nice place in Brooklyn- actually right in my old neighborhood a couple of blocks from Pratt. It was lovely, and the food was really good.

He also gave me a big bouquet of flowers.
The cats were intensely curious until they decided it was boring, after all.

All three cats kept photobombing my flowers...

A Conversation

She: Mom please massage my back.

Me. Ok.

I massage her back, then her legs.

She: No mom! Not my legs.  My legs are fine!

Me: Since when are your legs fine?

She: Never.

Isis is pretending to be a pillow.

She un-perfect-rounded herself just in time for the picture.

Topiary Snowcat

Here is a little topiary cat in pastel. ( all Nupastel)

It is on that second sheet of blue colourfix- primed watercolor paper.

I used acrylic glitter glaze in the background for the sparkles.

5x7

Back at the Met

Last month when I went to the Met there was snow.

Same for yesterday.

Rob and I went to the Met- I wanted to show him the colonial American furniture, which he liked very much. And the Frank Lloyd Wright room.

He also liked the European Renaissance paintings.

I took this pic of Rob in the dragon mirror.

And I visited my favorite Memling painting.
I love her.

Central Park is pretty in the snow.

All the kids were out sliding around on sleds and having fun.

We found some snowmen.

Here are some more snow pictures.

Orange Clouds

Here are some orange clouds.

My focuser is kind of broken so this was a small quick study that still took 2 easel-sittings.

5x7 pastel (assorted brands) on blue colourfix-primed Strathmore WC paper.

You Can't Wear Just One

I did a double-take when I saw this.

Yep she's wearing two backpacks.

One for school and one for dance.

Snow!

It is snowing!

I'm working from home and schools are closed.

We will go out later if weather permits, I guess thesnow is supposed to continue all day...we are supposed to get about a foot.

The cats are curious about the snow!

Furball has left the window but Isis is camped out there, taking up the whole window sill...she'll be there for a long time.

UPDATE:

Furball is fascinated by the snow.

The window is open and the snow is hitting my screen.  She was trying to catch the snow while looking freaked out.

She did catch a snowflake, and she ate it!

Hoping for Snow

We are supposed to get a good amount of snow- I heard 4-8 inches.
I would LOVE a good snowstorm; we are overdue for a good blizzard.

*****
Taxes are done and I'm as confident as I can be about my job stability going forward....this is a huge relief.  A massive relief.

And so I need to keep conserving and chip away at the financial mountains of dance and braces and Life in General.  Dance is killing me a bit because tuition went up a lot last October and I don't know certain costs up-front, like competition fees- how much and when. Recital is here too, more $$.

And that stupid basketball game she is required to perform at in April that I DON'T WANT TO GO TO but I am required to purchase tickets for me AND Daya...$66.  I'm really peeved about that.

How LOUDLY can I express that I DON'T WANT TO GO TO OR PAY FOR A STUPID BASKETBALL GAME?

I need a dance sponsor for Daya. :(
That has to be how people do this- when their kids show real promise and they work crazy-hard in the arts.  If the family is not well-off they must have someone financially backing them.

But I think for the most part people who excel in the arts or go into that world as kids come from money. This stuff costs money- a lot- and that's unfortunately what it all boils down to. I'm drowning. I'm holding up a mountain with a toothpick.

Since Daya is a crazy over-achiever I don't know how I can say no or cut back...she's holding up her end. I can't argue with straight As in honors.  She's also excelling in all her dance classes. She is incredibly driven. I can't take something away that she really is working so hard for.

I have no pictures except for these nice pink clouds from the other day that look like cotton candy.

The Long Dark Party

There is a game called The Long Dark and I have been smitten with it for more than a year...and Daya loves it too.  It is still in alpha and right now is in sandbox mode...it is a survival game in the Canadian wilderness in winter.

In addition to the sandbox there are some challenge modes, one of which Daya and i have been playing- the Whiteout Challenge.  You have a month to gather a certain list and quantity of supplies before a massive blizzard.

So we had a Long Dark party on Sunday night.

I got several food items from the game (except I couldn't find grape soda or energy bars!)

We had our can opener, survival bow (not pictured), and our knife and whetstone. I broiled our Coho Salmon and Lake Whitefish- plain with no seasoning and it was actually really wonderful.

We did not eat all this food, no way, it was too much, but it was fun.

Daya loved it.

It was a nice way to finish our Whiteout Challenge, which we did in 15 days! 

Last night we had party leftovers and we started the Nomad challenge.

******

Rob went to the dentist yesterday and I went with him.  

Everything went very well.

Sink!

Rob said he has a sink in his closet that someone gave him from a job.  It is brand new.  Porcelain and mohogany, do I want it?

Ummm..YES.

Rob also asked if I want him to put in a new bathroom door.

YES PLEASE.

My bathroom door is a ridiculous mess.The floor is elevated and someone cut the door years ago before I moved in, so the bottom was hollow.  They covered it with masking tape and paint, but that fell off years ago and the bottom started splintering.

The cats made it much worse.

A couple of years ago I covered it with contact paper and it looks ugly but at least there aren't bits of door splinter all over my apartment anymore.

So I will be getting a new bathroom door.

Here is my new sink!  I LOVE IT!

It is in my library until Rob can come install it.

Furball and Isis were snuggling today.

Dentist Day!

Yesterday was Dentist Day.

Rob went in the morning...he just got a cleaning and a referral to an oral surgeon.

He goes Monday and I'm going with him.

My co-worker was on her honeymoon last week and she had a wind surfing accident and lost her front tooth...so she needs a new tooth.

My other co-worker's cat has a dental issue too.

I used to go for my cleanings every six months like clockwork but I have missed a few...it has been hanging over me....well, I got all scared yesterday because of all this dentist talk and booked a cleaning and got it done.  I will only see one hygienist, I LOVE her.  She was very happy to see me and said she had been thinking about me and hoping everything was ok.

I have perfect teeth.  Never a single cavity in my whole life. Lots of orthodontic work but otherwise my teeth are fabulous.  I'm nuts about my teeth- they make up for my eyes.  My teeth looked so fantastic in the x-rays and I made sure to mention it to everyone at the dentist office.  Everything is fine and I'm glad I got it done.

****

I didn't paint but-! I thought about it and I primed some paper.  This is Strathmore watercolor paper with some nice Colourfix pastel primer.  They are 5x7s.....sometimes a small painting that can be done in one sitting is better than working on a larger project. I was only going to prime one but a second sheet was stuck underneath and I got primer on it...so it got primed too.

Blue Primed Papers!

*****

I think Daya might be on the verge of starting her cycle....which really makes sense as to why she has been so miserable and unstable.  Of course I explained this to her but she rejects everything I say. She doesn't believe me. There is no convincing her.

She asked if cravings are normal, I said what are you craving? She said sweet stuff.  I asked, chocolate?  And she said YES.  I said, "Daya, why do you think I have a chocolate drawer?" and she gave me a hug.

She has been having some issues with her friends (a huge contributor to the misery) and she talked it out with one of them yesterday...so I hope she starts feeling better. I'm proud of her for doing that- it is a mature and brave thing to do.

Jackie said that right before her daughter started her cycle it was horrible...just awful...and then it got a little better.

I hope it gets better.

Welcome to February!

February!
We made it!

Daya got her report card and again she has straight As in honors.
She has a 100 average in Math!!
She is on the Golden Honor Roll. Again.
And that's in addition to 15 hours of dance- including assistant-teaching 2 classes.

And she is beating herself up because it isn't good enough for her......because her total average is something like a 95 and people in her class are bragging about a 97 average. And she doesn't have a 100 average in EVERYTHING.  (Her lowest is a 90.)

It's ok to want to do well and have standards, but there is a line that, once crossed, becomes unhealthy.  I have told her this but it means nothing to her. When Daya is feeling bad and I point out something positive, she says it doesn't matter.  I hope it is just the age and she levels out a bit with this pendulum thinking.

I am suuuper proud of her, though.
Ridiculously proud.
She works so hard.

*****
I think I have finally arrived at a point where I need to paint again.
It is a relief.
I'm hoping I get a chance tonight...it really depends on how Rob is feeling.  He is at the dentist this morning for that toothache and if he needs some taking-care-of, I will do that.  It is really nice to care about someone who appreciates being cared about.

*****
I need a meditation structure for this month.
Sometimes I need that-- I need to implement a structure of daily practice to stay centered.  I have a couple of ideas for the month but I think it might just be an evening prayer I keep on my altar.  Someone gave it to me last year and told me to use it for 21 days straight- which I did- to good effect.

I had forgotten all about it until I noticed it on my altar a couple of days ago.
So I will spend some time with that this month.

Tuesday List

1. It is SNOWING!! I love snow! Yay!

2. I woke up early at Daya's request to iron her hair.  She has a LOT of hair and it took 45 minutes...we were both late.  She said....on her own, out of nowhere, "I love you,"....  oh tweenagers. Waking up at oh-god-thirty to iron hair for 45 minutes is definitely an act of love.

3.  Daya sent me a text from school this morning telling me school gave her a metrocard...for reals.... again.....?? Well, ok, we'll see how it goes. I remain skeptical. I think it is the same as before because the other one expires today.

4. I'm going to see Rob after work. Daya has dance til 9 so I have a whole evening to fill. That means I won't go to yoga but that's ok. I'd rather go spend time with Rob.

5. Furball is Cat of the Day.

6.  I'm still not feeling 100% inside but I'm doing much better.  A little better every day.  I think I'm over the worst bits, and slowly feeling back to my normal self.  Who knows, maybe I'll get over to the easel this week.  I would like to finish the painting I have going.

7.  I am glad January is over.

Why I Like Tarot

The tarot is not a religion, it is not silly hocus-pocus, and it is not some strange kind of silly magic. It isn't something to believe in or not believe in. There is no belief involved with it at all.

It is a system, a series of focus points- that contain all the symbols and themes of human existence from a granular to a universal level.  It is very deep and layered. It does contain collective energy, and can help as a focus point for meditation and inner reflection. It is also art. It is centered around visual art.  I have been collecting decks for almost 20 years just for the art alone.

Some use it for divination, which can be helpful for answer-seeking and insight, but as far as I personally use and relate to it, it is an insightful meditation practice. I don't do tarot readings for other people.

I have said before we humans are internal and external beings.  The tarot is really about the internal landscape. It is representative of energy- themes, patterns, and dynamics either of where we have been, where we are, or where we want to be.

Like anything else, it is not something easily explained to people who have not spent any time with it or investigated it.  It is the same way I can't explain what it is like to be an artist to a non-artist. I can talk about it, but my audience won't relate unless they, too, have some kind of similar experience. If you have spent time with something and gotten to know it, telling someone else about it doesn't mean they will know or understand it. If they want, they must undertake that journey themselves.

You can pick any point in the universe and find the god-source.

Judeo-Christian traditions teach that tarot is somehow evil. And so people are afraid of it because they are taught to be afraid- but it is no more evil than, say, yoga- which also has a huge element of meditation and introspection. There is nothing harmful about it. It is outside the standard religious Tribe, and people are taught to fear anything outside the Tribe so they will stay in the Tribe.  But the Tribe has its own agenda, mostly of self-preservation.

The tarot is just one way of infinite ways to be in touch with your inner spiritual self, to zoom in and out, to connect, to learn, to grow, to find answers, clarity, and insight.

Keep on asking, and you will receive 

what you ask for. 

Keep on seeking, and you will find. 

Keep on knocking, 

and the door will be opened to you.

                                            Matthew 7:7

Sunday Night

I had a nice weekend.
I am very grateful for the nice weekend.

Daya's switch flipped back to Angel-Daya- mostly- which is a massive relief.
Angel-Daya is cute and sweet and funny and loving and kind.
Jackie has been wonderfully supportive.
Thanks also to Lisa and Launna and Tammy, you have been wonderful and I appreciate it more than I can ever say.

Eva got me a massage for my birthday which I hadn't used yet- so I went Saturday morning and it was lovely.
Then I had a lovely afternoon/evening with Rob.

Today Jackie and I went to a nice French bakery in her neighborhood. I know we will be back there.
An orange cat lives downstairs in the bakery, too.
Shop cats and bodega cats used to be common and it was really nice. These days, I suppose because of overly-ridiculous health codes, there aren't as many cats in the shops. The cats always brought good energy to their stores, and they enjoyed being there- lazing around or greeting people. They belonged there.

***
Today marks six months I have been with Rob.
It feels slow and steady to me, solid-  I really think we have a good thing going.
He is a wonderful person and getting to know him has been a positive experience.

Aside from him being my boyfriend- he is my friend. He is a good friend. I truly enjoy listening to all the things that are always running through his mind. I respect him as a person- his character and his intellect.  And he respects me.  We both know a lot of weird stuff, but we know different weird stuff so I'm always learning something new.

In these past six months, we have spoken mostly every day. We always have something to talk about.
We can easily be on the phone for 2 1/2 hours.  He listens just as well as he talks. We both know ourselves and we both are experienced in being alone through tough times.

I am very deeply grateful for this relationship.

****
I am pulling in some tarot energy....it REALLY worked last year!
I chose The Sun and have had that card on my altar. to help bring in Sun energy.
So of course I noticed that Rob is a Leo--and Leo is ruled by The Sun.
So, yeah, that worked.

For this year, I chose 2 cards... the 10 of pentacles and the 10 of cups.  Why not aim high, right?
They are both cards about fulfillment- pentacles deals with the material aspects of life and cups deals with emotions and relationships. They are stable cards, cards that come after a progression of lessons and difficulties.

So I have them up and I invite their energy in.
This deck is Tarot of the Water, last year's 78 Tarot collaboration. (I WISH I was a professional artist...then I could apply to do a card...you have to be professional, with a certain percentage of your income coming from your art.....that is not me unfortunately.)

For my Major Arcana I chose Judgement...which isn't nearly as bad as it sounds. 

It is 20 out of 21 Major Arcana, so like the 10s it comes after a process.  It contains a meaning of awakenings and realizations after past trials which come from a self-evaluation.. Absolution is a big theme.  A new start and forgiveness.

Tweenage Angst

Everything is Terrible.
Mom is the reason Everything is Terrible.
Mom is horrible.
Mom is awful.
Life is Terrible.

*****
Usually things with Daya and me are good, and then they aren't.
And when they aren't, they are intensely bad in her perspective.
Eva says she just needs someone to blame when she is upset and that's me because I am closest.
I'm the only one there.

In all honesty I don't think I am a bad parent.
Other people have freely told me everything I am doing wrong, but I still don't think, for the most part, that I am a bad parent.

I can, from the most honest core place inside me, say I really am doing my best.

My greatest weakness is my lack of people and close relationships, especially family.
I'm not dumb enough or egotistical enough to pretend it doesn't matter because it does, and it has effects I just can't do anything about. And so I try and deal with it the best I can.

The truth is that Daya has a lot going for her and I devote quite a lot to her well-being and development.  And it is never enough. It is never good enough.

If I can give her 80% of what she wants, it is the End of the World and Everything Is Horrible and Terrible because of that missing 20%.

And that's what she focuses on.
She forgets about everything positive.
The time we spend together.
The stupid jokes we make.
Dance.
All the times I am there for her and I support her and listen to her.

None of it matters, not one little bit.

*****
Over winter break she was out of school for a week and a half.  I also took vacation during that time.
She had a really nice Christmas.
She had a really nice New Years.
Her friend came over.
We went to the movies.
We went shopping together and got a few new things for her room.
I went out painting ONE DAY and she went out that same afternoon to go hang out with her friends.

And Eva asked her how was her winter break and Daya gets the Sulky Face and says, "Mom went out painting and left me alone. There was nothing to do all break and I was bored."

Out of all that, so many nice things that I made a huge effort to give her, so much time spent together, she comes out with Mom went out painting and I was alone and miserable.

She was alone ONE DAY for TWO HOURS before she went out to meet her friend!

Anyone speaking to Daya on her perspective of me and Life in General would think I am pretty much the worst and most negligent parent on the face of the earth.

******
She is currently miserable because there is a week off from school in February and we aren't going anywhere.
I HAVE NO MONEY TO DO ANYTHING.
DANCE TAKES UP EVERY EXTRA RESOURCE I HAVE AND THEN SOME.
And it isn't enough.
It is never enough and her world is in shambles and it is my fault and she is determined to be miserable no matter what.

It makes me feel worse than garbage.

Maybe I never really stood a chance.
Maybe with my background, maybe with the way my marriage ended, maybe with the circumstance I found myself in, I never stood a chance to get through this successfully.

Tentative

Perhaps it is because I have never been a social media addict to begin with, or because I am in lock-down mode...but staying off Facebook is remarkably easy.

I think it may have been more of a mindless habit than anything else. I don't miss it.

Yesterday I still felt continuously bad but today I am feeling better.  The better-ness feels tentative and fragile but I'll take it. I almost want to paint again. I can almost eat again too.

Rob came over for dinner after work yesterday and it was really wonderful having him over. He is kind to me. He is a good presence. And he likes my cooking.  He also drove me to pick up Daya from dance, which was especially nice because it was raining.

Jackie is coming over after work tonight and I'm happy about that. 

*****

It is so hard to get out of a bad fear vibration...such a struggle...I'm trying to just surround myself with calm energy, nothing heavy.  I'm looking for places to go and get higher energy. I need this fragile stability to last.

Daya doesn't like budget cuts even though dance isn't impacted, except I told her only absolutely essential recital dances. She complains because she gets bored, like during school vacations.  But she has to keep realizing her non-essentials budget is already gone.  She gets dance and that is a LOT. It means there are things we can't do because those resources are spent.  And I'm paying off a lot from last year.  And still paying for braces. And freaking out over job stability.

I know she doesn't mean it but sometimes Daya's attitude comes across like nothing is ever enough, or good enough. Or there is always something wrong to complain about. It is really defeating because I'm holding everything up alone in a precarious balance.

A lot of the girls in dance with her are extremely wealthy.

So it seems to her sometimes like everyone gets everything except her.

And some of them do get everything.
As far as I know the other families at the studio are either 2 parent households or both parents are involved somehow. And extended family, too.

(I picked her up from her friend's father's apartment once and ohmygod think luxury penthouse at the height of helicopter flights, The whole place was windows too...and a balcony...I have never seen an apartment like that before, let alone been in one. It made my humble home seem like a hole in the ground.)

*****

All this has been explained and I get upset when she still keeps asking me for stuff,  I know she doesn't have the perspective and that is ok.  But I don't like the sulkiness.  Maybe all tweens are pre-dis-positioned to act like Everything Is Terrible.

*****

I'm not going to refill Pebbles' prozac prescription.  She has been on it for a while and it shot up in price.  So I'll wean her off probably next month.

*****

The Thankful List:

*job

*home

*health- mine and Daya's

*Rob

*Jackie

*Drusilla

Techno-Media-Cleanse

I decided to go off Facebook for a while.

This horrid anxiety that just will not go away.....and when I do manage to get my equilibrium back- every time I go on Facebook I feel about a thousand times worse so I'm off.

Never in my life have I had such intense and relentless anxiety and upset that lasts this long.  I think most of it is job fear, but I have had that before too and it always subsides after a while.  Whatever this is just will not go away no matter what.

There is a huge and intense amount of fear, hate, and almost-panic going around in society and aside from my job-fear, I think it's very possible I'm picking up on it and it is really affecting me in a bad way. So I need to just step out of it all and work on getting my inner stability back.

I'm falling into too much fear about things that are unknown- all of which are future unknowns. I am scared at having no safety net. I feel very unsafe, overwhelmed and alone. This isn't healthy and not a good way to live.

Opera

My friend Teresa is a cellist in the Bronx Opera, and she comp'd me tickets for today's performance (Sir John in Love).

I have seen several of the opera's performances and they are all superb.  Today was no exception.

Since Teresa gave me 2 tickets I asked Rob if he wanted to join (Daya HATES the opera), but I know he doesn't like opera so I also told him- and meant it- that he really doesn't have to go. He also has a toothache.

Last night he said he would let me know this morning, and I again told him it REALLY is ok if he doesn't go and I truly don't mind going alone.  (And I really don't mind one bit.)

And he said he wanted to go.

So we went into Manhattan together and he started to really not feel well.

I pretty much made him go home at intermission.
This poor guy really was feeling terrible despite pain meds AND really doesn't like opera... poor Rob.  It was so good of him to go out today with me despite everything.

Here is a picture he took when he was on set in NJ.
I love this picture; he looks great.

IRONY: my fuckwit piano neighbors are right this second blasting opera through the wall.  

I like opera just it is suuuuperloud and annoying right now.