20/30ish

I went to midtown.
On the train.

When I left I felt very weird, and I thought it would feel weirder than it did to be back on the train.
But it felt GREAT to just be back in my normal environment.

The trains are still empty.

The city is still empty.
Everything is barricaded and boarded up.
So, it's very abnormal and feels extremely strange.

This is by Bryant Park:

On the way to Times Square a local (yes, Black if anyone cares) man stopped me, he was selling his new .... idk, rap? hiphop? cds.

He said he stopped me because I was wearing my Pratt tshirt, so I asked him if he went there, too, and he said no.

I took a few mins to talk to him, because I often do that kind of thing.
Actually that's one of the best things about NYC- cool encounters with strangers.
Most people really are awesome.
And it's easy to tell if something is off.

He was super nice and somehow in 5 minutes he managed to tell me his relationship history, say how he worked on himself and found out you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, he told me I'm beautiful (several times!), asked if I am married, and asked me out, AND asked for CD donations!

He really was very nice and it was all good.  I'm not at all interested in going out with him, and I don't think he realized he's certainly far too young for me anyhow!

But you know what?
My first time coming back into Manhattan it was really nice to step off the train and find someone nice who told me I'm beautiful, even if he was just promoting his music.

He's a good guy and I wish him well.

******
I went to the office to get a few more things from my desk before my eye dr appointment.
There is no air conditioning on the floors, it is sweltering.

I erased 6 Chinese spam voicemails from my phone and watered all the plants on peoples' desks that are still alive.

Then I headed downtown towards my eye dr, but I had a lot of time.

Michaels was open.
Huh?
They are an essential business?

They are also one block from Blick so I thought..... maybe......
Ah but no.  Blick is completely closed and boarded up.
It makes sense. We only start reopening on Monday.

I don't know how Michaels is open, though.

Sephora on 5th and 19th

There was a sign on the bus shelter promoting something called "Love in the Time of Corona", which is a Love in the Time of  Cholera reference and I thought it was clever.
I didn't get a picture of it though.

It felt so nice to be able to flow through the city, even if the city is so deeply abnormal right now.

****
Eye doctor:
Everything is good except my pressures.  Higher than we want in both eyes, even though I'm on drops and even after the surgery to help with pressure.

The eyedrop I have been using for years is having supply issues- I haven't been able to get it since last December.  But I had a lot of extra and I was down to my last bottle in March.
So I got a prescription for a different drop which is 2x a day and I don't like it s much.

Apparently it also doesn't work as well, which is something my doctor said can be the case in many people.

We are trying to get my other drop back but i don't think it is in stock.

My eye dr said things re bad with healthcare, there are shortages of everything and from his standpoint, he feels like he is practicing medicine in a third-world country right now.

I go back in 3 months.

HOWEVER THE AWESOME THING about my visit is this:
I don't know how, but I somehow managed to read the 20/40 line and a little of the 20/30 line on the eye chart!

(This is with my left eye only, I'm 20/70 in my right eye, that's with correction)

In all honestly it wasn't that clear and it wasn't easy but I did it!!
I have not gotten past 3 letters on the 20/40 line for a very long time, if ever.
But I did, somehow I did!

AND........... my eye dr said he was going to remove all the restrictions on my drivers license!!
So he gave me the form (I have to mail it in every year) saying I was able to pass the Snellen test at 20/40 with no corrective lenses. Now I'm out of the low vision program.

In all honesty I think my visual reality is not too great, I'm having trouble, but I think it is neurological. My head feels different with my adjusted vision after surgery. It's a brain thing. I know it is.  My right eye is so much worse than my left eye and it feels different than before surgery.
A lot of our vision happens in our brain, how the brain interprets what comes in through our eyes.
My brain has felt disoriented since surgery. There are probably some exercises I can do, I just haven't focused on it too much because it gives me a headache!

Flares off lights:  I still have them.
Dr thought it was interesting they are horizontal not vertical.
He said it would be a wrinkle in the membrane that my lens is attached to, and that they can straighten out in time. If not he said maybe he could laser it.

I'm not doing anything right now, I'm not even a year post-surgery.
It's mostly bad at night and in low-light environments.

My flares look something like this, and they are off most lights, the size changes with distance:

******
The Reuters Art group met, I got a box from Jerrys with some new brushes.
I got some synthetic Robert Simmons from the Simply Simmons line- I have been using them for years, and the new ones look and feel different.

I use a combo of my super nice handmade Rosemary brushes and cheapies. There are things in underlayers I don't like using my expensive brushes for, like scrubbing in.
The Simply Simmons line is my favorite for cheapo brushes.
I have to find out why the ones I got are different than my normal synthetics.

So I wanted to try them out. They are fine.
Here is an 8x10 imaginary cloud study in oil. I think my clouds need a lot of work.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm going to take the subway and go into Times Square and east midtown Manhattan.
The last time I did either of these things was March 21 when I walked to Manhattan.
It feels like years have passed.
But I have an eye dr appt that I want to keep, I'm overdue since mid-March.

Current events have left me deeply sad and hurt, as I think they should anyone who is even a little bit human.

Protests are good, looting notsumuch- and this hurts, too.
I do not like seeing my city wrecked like that.

I'll be in midtown during the day, everything should be fine.

It is going to be surreal and weird, once again taking my once-daily path.

Over the last couple of days I have been going through the Harry Potter movies; they seem to fit how I feel.

The Last Page!

I met Jackie at the park.
It was SO NICE to see a friend in-person, outdoors.

Of course I brought paint...... this is the last page in my sketchbook, it's finally done!
Painting my friend is a great way to finish the book.

I originally wanted to finish it within a year..... I didn't manage that but I was close.
March 1 2019 to May 30 2020....

I do have another book ready to go.
This has been a real learning journey and I'm ready for a new volume.

AND ALSO I AM GOING TO THE BEACH NEXT SATURDAY!!!

I'm desperate to go to the beach.... I didn't go last Summer... I didn't do anything because of my eyes, I was out of visual commission for all of July and most of August, and still getting my bearings after that for a while.

Week 12

I have an eye dr appt coming up next Thurs and I want to go.
It will mean taking the train which I have not done since March 21.

We are still closed here but will hopefully start reopening very soon.
And I'm really overdue on my eye appt.

I need to see how the trains are.
Because if it's ok and service is ok (I don't think it is yet) it might be time to start venturing out as soon as reopening starts and go painting in Central Park.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Jackie IN PERSON (omg) and we are going to go sit in the park and it will be wonderful.

I'm so tired of absolutely everything.

Salt Beach

I started this painting on Memorial Day and finished it tonight in the Reuters group.

The reference is from Stranded Deep, a wonderful game I got back into lately.
9x12 pastel on (yellow ochre) Richeson.

The color in this panting was actually quite difficult and I didn't get it exactly the way I intended, although it still works.

This is the ref:

It is very, very grey and I was going for that greyed-down look.

That's what drew me to this particular image.

My painting is much higher chroma, even though there is still a surprising amount of grey in there.

I used a very large palette range for it.

I'm actually wondering if it would be easier to get the color I wanted in oils since it's so easy to knock down the chroma by adding black. Pastels by nature are very glowy. 

                         

*******

A few rambly words on reference....

I have a weird mental hangup.

What I mean is.....

When I don't work from life, I use photo reference like everyone else.

But I'm extremely picky about it.

It must be my original composition, and with rare exception, also has to be my photo.

This reference is from the game Stranded Deep.

Is a game screenshot the same as me taking my own photo from life?

Because it is from a more "filtered" and pre-processed/stylized environment than a photo directly from life.

However- I approach a game screenshot the same way, I look for a good composition, lighting, etc.

There is nothing random about it.  I also changed the sky for better comp. (This is where training in working from life really kicks in, and I have plein air painted on beaches.)

There is so much work that goes on behind that photo.

There is a lot of thinking comsidering and problem-solving that goes into it- for this painting I really had to be mindful of perspective and composition, it's never a matter of copying something straight. 

Even in nature we often have to fix stuff.

Maybe it is a little bit of a grey area, or maybe I just have a weird mental hangup.

Sometimes I discount it to myself. Like the painting isn't as valid or something.

Like it's of less value.  That's the right phrase.

Isn't that stupid?

I know it is and yet I still do it.

But I do think a game screenshot is definitely more originally "mine" than using someone else's photo!! However artificial the environment is, I'm still looking at it through my own unique viewpoint.

Some Really Bad Drawings

I couldn't get in my groove tonight.

1 min scribbles...

7 min disaster

Another one...

20 min, slightly better....

I was going to stick with graphite and I should have, but my pastels were all out and I thought, let me do something different for the 1 hour pose, it did not work. Too small on a 9x12, plus bad drawing!

I don't even know why I'm posting these, just documenting I guess.

Some days are just like that, it doesn't matter.

Memorial Day

Today was much better than the previous 2 days.
Daya finally snapped out of her funk on Sunday evening and my amazing awesome goofy incredible girl came back.
I'm exhausted.

********
I painted today, wanted to finish but I didn't so will post later.

I also did go to figure drawing.
Model was Madeline, she's awesome.

1 min warm-ups

7 mins

20

1 hour-ish, a little less.

********
Daya cannot go stay with her friend but her friend's mom asked if she could pick Daya up and take her to the park for a few hours.
Of course I said yes.

Daya hasn't seen anyone but me since March 13.
Store cashiers don't count.
I'm glad she got out and had a great time outdoors with people.

I wish I could have gone too, I feel very wilted.
I also haven't seen anyone except Jackie, briefly.

To go to the park with someone, to go to the beach..... these seem like monumental amazing things.

I wish I had more friends to do stuff like that with, even after all this mess is over.
It just seems so amazing to be able to do that.
Such a simple thing.

I have people I talk to everyday but none are local and it's not the same thing as having someone here.

Despite my best efforts, I know I'm depressed but who wouldn't be?
I need an environment change.

The lockdown stuff feels weirder now because the weather is so nice, people are out, and everyone else is open at least partially. We are the last ones in the state. I wish I had a person with a car. I wish I had a car. I wish I had more practice driving, I'm still scared in the city, I need practice in a calmer environment.  It's a confidence thing.  I want to GET OUT.

Sunday Stuff

Well, Daya isn't going anywhere after all.
I don't know how people get thru teenage parenting.
I'm not sure I will.

Today

Today has been a really bad tough day.

Bad enough that I asked Daya's friend's mom if she can go stay there for several days, maybe a week.
She said yes.

I don't care what anyone has to say about it.

I guess they are going to the beach on Monday.

I wish I could go to the beach too.
I wish I could go....somewhere nice.

As dreadful as Daya has been lately, it's going to feel very empty and lonely here without her.

Week...um...11?

Another week.

Topiary Cat Meditation Garden

I started this painting this past Sunday with Cas, we both needed motivation to paint so we had an artist date.

Tonight in the Reuters group I finished it, about 4 hours total.

6x8 oil

Welp

If this isn't hitting bottom on quarantine Amazon ordering, I don't know what is.

Three pounds of jellybeenz.
50 flavors.

49 actually because all the nasty black licorice ones are going straight into the garbage.
48 if I can figure out a way to tell the brown coffee ones apart so I can throw them out, too.

Drawing

Here's a drawing from life drawing tonite.
I hate Zoom but I suppose it is better than nothing.

This drawing has a lot of issues and I'm blaming Zoom for most of them including camera distortion.

This was a 1 hour pose.
We started out with warm-ups and some 7 min poses.
I started out quite badly, but then switched pencils and felt slightly better.

I really do hate Zoom. It sucks.

Monday Drawings

I have been going to figure drawing with Drawing New York for years, of course everything is online and I haven't done any apart from the Reuters group.

But I really hit a wall last week and I'm not doing so great, so I need to make myself do stuff and have things to do.

I did start an oil painting in-studio on Sunday (!!) during an artist date with my friend Cas.
It needs another layer and isn't a "serious" painting but I need to allow myself to not take it so seriously.  I want it to be good though, I don't know, my mind gets twisted up about painting sometimes.  I need to let go and have fun.

Anyhow, if I have plans that include other people it's somewhat better.
Mostly that has meant the Thursday Reuters group and the Friday dance meetings, and monthly Parent Association meetings.  And some gaming stuff. 

I really don't like yoga online even though I miss my classes and IYI has a small offering.
Well, I also don't like figure drawing online but I started the DNY sessions.

Tonight was a costumed model, I guess they aren't doing nudes. She was a lovely model but wearing a striped gown thing that I found difficult to work with.
I am working off an ipad screen and it's a lot harder to see.

Here are 2 20 min poses.

*****
It's very difficult being stuck with a Quaranteenager.
Over the last few years I have gone from being the Best Ever! to being the Most Annoying Person in the Universe.

It's a hard fall, and it's just her age.
We were doing pretty well until a few weeks ago and now she won't do anything with me, though I'd really love to spend time together.

I abandoned watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with her because she just won't.
She won't play Stardew Valley with me, though she's begging her friend to get it.
She won't do anything that involves me at all.

It hurts a lot and I'm really sad, I know I have to detach and feel good anyhow but I'm finding it really difficult.  I know she's depressed even if she won't admit it to me but why do teenagers have to be so mean?  She treats me the way she feels.

She wasn't going outside at all which is really unhealthy- and I do mean being holed up in her room in the dark for a week at a time- so I instituted a mandatory Go Outside in the Daylight for an hour every day,  Must be completed before 7pm or no playstation.  She has been compliant.

I really miss spending nice time together, and I miss her being friendly.
We're both stuck in a small space day after day after day now well into Week 10, why can't she see that being friendly is so much more pleasant?

She hates her room*, she also wants to move (we are not moving), and so I guess because things aren't 100% the way she wants them, shes decided to be miserable about everything including me.  At least she has her friend to talk to, I'm really relieved about that.

I wish there was another adult who had the ability to screw her head on straight.
It can't all be me, and she doesn't have that other perspective of someone else to give it to her.
But there's not so here we are.

*Her solution to hating her room is full redecorating complete with all new furniture!
I know she wants a new bed and has for a while but it hasn't been on my financial priority list.
Also she's been a horrible brat about it which really doesn't put me in a generous place.

Yesterday's Painting

I went out painting yesterday, it was really nice out.
This is at the Forest Hills LIRR train station.

I have ONE more page in my sketchbook!!

Well that's gross

Last night was the LaG dance department parent/teacher/student weekly meeting.

Every week someone asks when kids can get back in the building and get their stuff.
People have left important stuff in the building, instruments etc.
Especially seniors, who won't be going back.

Ms Mathesius told everyone point-blank that no one is getting into the building.
I personally think if we can go to the grocery store etc we can get into the school building to get stuff if needed. I think they could do it if they wanted to but it isn't up to the school, it is a DOE thing, one-approach-for-all kind of thing.

Also if no one but custodians has been in the school for the last 9 weeks, how is it not safe?
Anyhow.

People asked about the lockers and we were reassured that nothing has been moved/removed/trashed.

Which also means that if kids left food in their locker, a forgotten lunch or something, it is still there.

Everyone had a collective moment of disgust.

I asked Daya if she had left any food in her locker and she said no, but all the empty lockers on the 8th floor are used as "trash lockers"- meaning the kids put garbage in there instead of in the actual trash.  So there are a bunch of trash-filled lockers rotting away. Yes they have food in them.

When asked why they don't use the actual trash for trash I did not get an answer.

So, trash lockers.
And people complain about why the school has a vermin problem.

Some unlucky freshman will be assigned one of those trash lockers..........

Which ones are trash lockers?

Week 10 Checkmate

Double-digits, people.
Fucking double-digits.
I'm more burnt out on this virus crap than I have been about anything, ever.

*****
Current Retro Game: Battle Chess.

Storytime, well 2 of them:

******
Once upon a time way back in 1988, (I think I was in 5th grade) before we even had a computer in my home, we were at the mall and there was a computer game store that had a demo running of Battle Chess.

I was instantly smitten.
I wanted a computer just to get that game.

The household computer didn't come until a few years later and I got Battle Chess for Christmas because I was still smitten with it.
(I do still have my original disks and packaging but they are buried somewhere and I don't feel like digging for them.) It looks like this:

Although I am a truly terrible chess player, I still love it.
I still think Battle Chess is the best computer chess game ever created.

I have won it exactly twice.

You can play it free here, and it is also on Steam!!!

*******
Once upon a time a couple of weeks ago, one of my ESO guilds started a chess contest.
Someone built a playable chess board in their ESO house and it is awesome. I mean, AWESOME.

Everyone was invited to sign up and I did, and last night was the match.
I lost, of course, but it was really fun.

With online gaming, it's anonymous for the most part so you never really know who you are playing with. I thought maybe I'd get paired with some young kid who was possibly more terrible than me.

Nope, my partner spoke in chess notation.
I knew I was done.

Not only that, but in the chats they said the words Battle Chess....... so I put a feeler out.... "rook eats queen" AND THEY GOT IT.

I sent them an email with the Classic Reload link and they replied saying they have ALL the old DOS games and might start streaming them.

So, that was a fun encounter.

The Fucking Truck

So during the Reuters East Coast art class/meeting I went outside to paint again.
Thank goodness I had already mostly done the right side of the painting because this huge whonking truck came and parked right in front of me.

Fucking truck. :/

Gouache in sketchbook.
I need to finish the book, only a few pages left.

Boiled Creme Treats

If you have ever traveled around Skyrim, you have encountered Boiled Creme Treats.
My Elder Scrolls cookbook has a recipe for them and I made it.

I got the temperature wrong for my yeast; Carey says to leave it out of the fridge for several hours before using. I'm sure this was my problem.... they poofed up a bit in the oven but the dough did not rise properly.  So they are a little dense.

The custard sauce is ok, it's missing something and I think all sugar needs to be substituted with honey.

I'll have to make them again.

But Daya likes them.

Someone made this very funny picture of them in the game:

********

I brought 2 of them over to Jackie last night and she was home!
It was SO GOOD to see a friend face to face, I really needed that.

I have definitely hit a wall with the lockdown.
This is a hard week.
Also I think Daya is depressed but resists all assistance, especially mine.
She's in a moody teenage slump.
At least she has a friend to talk to, there's nothing I can do about this shitty situation.

I've just hit a wall with everything.

Lockdown Blues

Today is Monday and it is beautiful outside,
I'm in week 9 at home day after day and I think I'm starting to hit a wall.
Our shutdown has been extended until June 7 now.

Mostly I have been holding up ok through this whole thing but now I'm not feeling great.
Maybe it has to do with yesterday, Daya forgot/ignored Mothers Day again for the second year in a row.

I wasn't going to write about it because  part of me says it's dumb to be upset but I am.
Last year was upsetting because she had just gotten her LaGuardia acceptance and she didn't do that alone. This year she's just stuck in her own head and can't see outside herself.
I just feel very unappreciated.

It is true that Daya is a good kid but when she's awful- she's really awful.
It takes its toll on me.

It;s hard seeing everyone with their families together on social media, happy and smiling, they have a car to escape, they have each other.  I feel very alone.

Really?

This is up 2 degrees from when I woke up.

Celsius conversion: 3 degrees.

****
In other not-noteworthy news, I finally got brave enough to step on the scale.... am determined to get through this lock-down without gaining any weight...... and so far I have not.  So yay.

Retro Game of the Week: Tomb Raider Anniversary.  Still holds up very, very well.

Series Replay: Game of Thrones.

Studio Painting: I have a LOT of ideas and a new series, have zero motivation to do it. Boo.

Start Week 9

Last night I went out to paint.

Gouache in sketchbook.

I feel very sluggish and fog-headed, no, that's not quite the description.....

Mentally strained.

That's more accurate.

This past week went by very quickly.

Start Week 8

Week 8.

The official word from work is that we will be going back to the office in months, not weeks.

I can work from home, but I much prefer going into the office.  I always have.

******
Egg prices are now normal and reasonable.
Thank goodness.

Yesterday in the Reuters East Coast group we did figure drawing again.
Line of Action is offering a 31 day full subscription at a pay-what-you-want price.  This is an awesome deal.

I did a few drawings last night, much smaller than I normally work for figure practice.
These are short-ish, maybe 10-15 mins.

i was losing my concentration by the last pose, and it shows!

Here are some quick drawings from last week, I didn't post them but here they are.

And here are Furball and Isis snuggling.