Some Really Bad Drawings

I couldn't get in my groove tonight.

1 min scribbles...

7 min disaster

Another one...

20 min, slightly better....

I was going to stick with graphite and I should have, but my pastels were all out and I thought, let me do something different for the 1 hour pose, it did not work. Too small on a 9x12, plus bad drawing!

I don't even know why I'm posting these, just documenting I guess.

Some days are just like that, it doesn't matter.

Memorial Day

Today was much better than the previous 2 days.
Daya finally snapped out of her funk on Sunday evening and my amazing awesome goofy incredible girl came back.
I'm exhausted.

********
I painted today, wanted to finish but I didn't so will post later.

I also did go to figure drawing.
Model was Madeline, she's awesome.

1 min warm-ups

7 mins

20

1 hour-ish, a little less.

********
Daya cannot go stay with her friend but her friend's mom asked if she could pick Daya up and take her to the park for a few hours.
Of course I said yes.

Daya hasn't seen anyone but me since March 13.
Store cashiers don't count.
I'm glad she got out and had a great time outdoors with people.

I wish I could have gone too, I feel very wilted.
I also haven't seen anyone except Jackie, briefly.

To go to the park with someone, to go to the beach..... these seem like monumental amazing things.

I wish I had more friends to do stuff like that with, even after all this mess is over.
It just seems so amazing to be able to do that.
Such a simple thing.

I have people I talk to everyday but none are local and it's not the same thing as having someone here.

Despite my best efforts, I know I'm depressed but who wouldn't be?
I need an environment change.

The lockdown stuff feels weirder now because the weather is so nice, people are out, and everyone else is open at least partially. We are the last ones in the state. I wish I had a person with a car. I wish I had a car. I wish I had more practice driving, I'm still scared in the city, I need practice in a calmer environment.  It's a confidence thing.  I want to GET OUT.

Sunday Stuff

Well, Daya isn't going anywhere after all.
I don't know how people get thru teenage parenting.
I'm not sure I will.

Today

Today has been a really bad tough day.

Bad enough that I asked Daya's friend's mom if she can go stay there for several days, maybe a week.
She said yes.

I don't care what anyone has to say about it.

I guess they are going to the beach on Monday.

I wish I could go to the beach too.
I wish I could go....somewhere nice.

As dreadful as Daya has been lately, it's going to feel very empty and lonely here without her.

Week...um...11?

Another week.

Topiary Cat Meditation Garden

I started this painting this past Sunday with Cas, we both needed motivation to paint so we had an artist date.

Tonight in the Reuters group I finished it, about 4 hours total.

6x8 oil

Welp

If this isn't hitting bottom on quarantine Amazon ordering, I don't know what is.

Three pounds of jellybeenz.
50 flavors.

49 actually because all the nasty black licorice ones are going straight into the garbage.
48 if I can figure out a way to tell the brown coffee ones apart so I can throw them out, too.

Drawing

Here's a drawing from life drawing tonite.
I hate Zoom but I suppose it is better than nothing.

This drawing has a lot of issues and I'm blaming Zoom for most of them including camera distortion.

This was a 1 hour pose.
We started out with warm-ups and some 7 min poses.
I started out quite badly, but then switched pencils and felt slightly better.

I really do hate Zoom. It sucks.

Monday Drawings

I have been going to figure drawing with Drawing New York for years, of course everything is online and I haven't done any apart from the Reuters group.

But I really hit a wall last week and I'm not doing so great, so I need to make myself do stuff and have things to do.

I did start an oil painting in-studio on Sunday (!!) during an artist date with my friend Cas.
It needs another layer and isn't a "serious" painting but I need to allow myself to not take it so seriously.  I want it to be good though, I don't know, my mind gets twisted up about painting sometimes.  I need to let go and have fun.

Anyhow, if I have plans that include other people it's somewhat better.
Mostly that has meant the Thursday Reuters group and the Friday dance meetings, and monthly Parent Association meetings.  And some gaming stuff. 

I really don't like yoga online even though I miss my classes and IYI has a small offering.
Well, I also don't like figure drawing online but I started the DNY sessions.

Tonight was a costumed model, I guess they aren't doing nudes. She was a lovely model but wearing a striped gown thing that I found difficult to work with.
I am working off an ipad screen and it's a lot harder to see.

Here are 2 20 min poses.

*****
It's very difficult being stuck with a Quaranteenager.
Over the last few years I have gone from being the Best Ever! to being the Most Annoying Person in the Universe.

It's a hard fall, and it's just her age.
We were doing pretty well until a few weeks ago and now she won't do anything with me, though I'd really love to spend time together.

I abandoned watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with her because she just won't.
She won't play Stardew Valley with me, though she's begging her friend to get it.
She won't do anything that involves me at all.

It hurts a lot and I'm really sad, I know I have to detach and feel good anyhow but I'm finding it really difficult.  I know she's depressed even if she won't admit it to me but why do teenagers have to be so mean?  She treats me the way she feels.

She wasn't going outside at all which is really unhealthy- and I do mean being holed up in her room in the dark for a week at a time- so I instituted a mandatory Go Outside in the Daylight for an hour every day,  Must be completed before 7pm or no playstation.  She has been compliant.

I really miss spending nice time together, and I miss her being friendly.
We're both stuck in a small space day after day after day now well into Week 10, why can't she see that being friendly is so much more pleasant?

She hates her room*, she also wants to move (we are not moving), and so I guess because things aren't 100% the way she wants them, shes decided to be miserable about everything including me.  At least she has her friend to talk to, I'm really relieved about that.

I wish there was another adult who had the ability to screw her head on straight.
It can't all be me, and she doesn't have that other perspective of someone else to give it to her.
But there's not so here we are.

*Her solution to hating her room is full redecorating complete with all new furniture!
I know she wants a new bed and has for a while but it hasn't been on my financial priority list.
Also she's been a horrible brat about it which really doesn't put me in a generous place.

Yesterday's Painting

I went out painting yesterday, it was really nice out.
This is at the Forest Hills LIRR train station.

I have ONE more page in my sketchbook!!

Well that's gross

Last night was the LaG dance department parent/teacher/student weekly meeting.

Every week someone asks when kids can get back in the building and get their stuff.
People have left important stuff in the building, instruments etc.
Especially seniors, who won't be going back.

Ms Mathesius told everyone point-blank that no one is getting into the building.
I personally think if we can go to the grocery store etc we can get into the school building to get stuff if needed. I think they could do it if they wanted to but it isn't up to the school, it is a DOE thing, one-approach-for-all kind of thing.

Also if no one but custodians has been in the school for the last 9 weeks, how is it not safe?
Anyhow.

People asked about the lockers and we were reassured that nothing has been moved/removed/trashed.

Which also means that if kids left food in their locker, a forgotten lunch or something, it is still there.

Everyone had a collective moment of disgust.

I asked Daya if she had left any food in her locker and she said no, but all the empty lockers on the 8th floor are used as "trash lockers"- meaning the kids put garbage in there instead of in the actual trash.  So there are a bunch of trash-filled lockers rotting away. Yes they have food in them.

When asked why they don't use the actual trash for trash I did not get an answer.

So, trash lockers.
And people complain about why the school has a vermin problem.

Some unlucky freshman will be assigned one of those trash lockers..........

Which ones are trash lockers?

Week 10 Checkmate

Double-digits, people.
Fucking double-digits.
I'm more burnt out on this virus crap than I have been about anything, ever.

*****
Current Retro Game: Battle Chess.

Storytime, well 2 of them:

******
Once upon a time way back in 1988, (I think I was in 5th grade) before we even had a computer in my home, we were at the mall and there was a computer game store that had a demo running of Battle Chess.

I was instantly smitten.
I wanted a computer just to get that game.

The household computer didn't come until a few years later and I got Battle Chess for Christmas because I was still smitten with it.
(I do still have my original disks and packaging but they are buried somewhere and I don't feel like digging for them.) It looks like this:

Although I am a truly terrible chess player, I still love it.
I still think Battle Chess is the best computer chess game ever created.

I have won it exactly twice.

You can play it free here, and it is also on Steam!!!

*******
Once upon a time a couple of weeks ago, one of my ESO guilds started a chess contest.
Someone built a playable chess board in their ESO house and it is awesome. I mean, AWESOME.

Everyone was invited to sign up and I did, and last night was the match.
I lost, of course, but it was really fun.

With online gaming, it's anonymous for the most part so you never really know who you are playing with. I thought maybe I'd get paired with some young kid who was possibly more terrible than me.

Nope, my partner spoke in chess notation.
I knew I was done.

Not only that, but in the chats they said the words Battle Chess....... so I put a feeler out.... "rook eats queen" AND THEY GOT IT.

I sent them an email with the Classic Reload link and they replied saying they have ALL the old DOS games and might start streaming them.

So, that was a fun encounter.

The Fucking Truck

So during the Reuters East Coast art class/meeting I went outside to paint again.
Thank goodness I had already mostly done the right side of the painting because this huge whonking truck came and parked right in front of me.

Fucking truck. :/

Gouache in sketchbook.
I need to finish the book, only a few pages left.

Boiled Creme Treats

If you have ever traveled around Skyrim, you have encountered Boiled Creme Treats.
My Elder Scrolls cookbook has a recipe for them and I made it.

I got the temperature wrong for my yeast; Carey says to leave it out of the fridge for several hours before using. I'm sure this was my problem.... they poofed up a bit in the oven but the dough did not rise properly.  So they are a little dense.

The custard sauce is ok, it's missing something and I think all sugar needs to be substituted with honey.

I'll have to make them again.

But Daya likes them.

Someone made this very funny picture of them in the game:

********

I brought 2 of them over to Jackie last night and she was home!
It was SO GOOD to see a friend face to face, I really needed that.

I have definitely hit a wall with the lockdown.
This is a hard week.
Also I think Daya is depressed but resists all assistance, especially mine.
She's in a moody teenage slump.
At least she has a friend to talk to, there's nothing I can do about this shitty situation.

I've just hit a wall with everything.

Lockdown Blues

Today is Monday and it is beautiful outside,
I'm in week 9 at home day after day and I think I'm starting to hit a wall.
Our shutdown has been extended until June 7 now.

Mostly I have been holding up ok through this whole thing but now I'm not feeling great.
Maybe it has to do with yesterday, Daya forgot/ignored Mothers Day again for the second year in a row.

I wasn't going to write about it because  part of me says it's dumb to be upset but I am.
Last year was upsetting because she had just gotten her LaGuardia acceptance and she didn't do that alone. This year she's just stuck in her own head and can't see outside herself.
I just feel very unappreciated.

It is true that Daya is a good kid but when she's awful- she's really awful.
It takes its toll on me.

It;s hard seeing everyone with their families together on social media, happy and smiling, they have a car to escape, they have each other.  I feel very alone.

Really?

This is up 2 degrees from when I woke up.

Celsius conversion: 3 degrees.

****
In other not-noteworthy news, I finally got brave enough to step on the scale.... am determined to get through this lock-down without gaining any weight...... and so far I have not.  So yay.

Retro Game of the Week: Tomb Raider Anniversary.  Still holds up very, very well.

Series Replay: Game of Thrones.

Studio Painting: I have a LOT of ideas and a new series, have zero motivation to do it. Boo.

Start Week 9

Last night I went out to paint.

Gouache in sketchbook.

I feel very sluggish and fog-headed, no, that's not quite the description.....

Mentally strained.

That's more accurate.

This past week went by very quickly.

Start Week 8

Week 8.

The official word from work is that we will be going back to the office in months, not weeks.

I can work from home, but I much prefer going into the office.  I always have.

******
Egg prices are now normal and reasonable.
Thank goodness.

Yesterday in the Reuters East Coast group we did figure drawing again.
Line of Action is offering a 31 day full subscription at a pay-what-you-want price.  This is an awesome deal.

I did a few drawings last night, much smaller than I normally work for figure practice.
These are short-ish, maybe 10-15 mins.

i was losing my concentration by the last pose, and it shows!

Here are some quick drawings from last week, I didn't post them but here they are.

And here are Furball and Isis snuggling.

Start Week 7

Another week done.....

*****
My plants are doing well.  2 of them lost a few limbs which I have been rooting in water. The roots are taking and I am glad about that.  I'm glad they are home.

Daya is bored.
She does ballet classes offered by school but doesn't think much of it.

I really understand how she feels.  Last night we did some figure drawing in the Reuters East Coast Art group, and working from photos on a (small) screen is nothing compared to working from life.
It doesn't even compare. It's not the same and cannot even start to be an equivalent.

Dance is the same.  I really, really get it.

*****
Last Thursday (Apr 16) one of Daya's dance classmates lost her mom to the virus.
The dance dept announced it last Saturday.  The freshman class is doing something for her.
Daya isn't really friends with the girl but they know each other.  I found this news to be extremely upsetting. I'm just so sad for this girl. It hits home in a big way.

I have to say the LaGuardia dance teachers care about their students in a way that is absolutely astounding.  They are a small community and there is a lot of emphasis on taking care of each other.
I'm not sure how involved Daya is other than taking a few dance classes a week, and basically living on the phone with her friend, but I hope the spirit of community support gets through to her.  She is a member of a very small, tight community and I hope she appreciates it and contributes.

*****
In happier news, last night I finally found my Plants vs Zombies shirt which I have been looking for over several weeks.  Apparently I stashed it in the bookcase near my yoga mat.

Furball also (correctly) thinks my shirt is cool.

*****

Show of the Week: Seinfeld.  I'm going through every single episode.

Retro Game of the Week:  The Sims 2.  You know what? It still holds up quite well. Playing now isn't quite the same as the immersive hours and hours I spent in this game 10 years ago but.... it's still pretty fantastic.

Start Week 6

Yesterday started Week 6.
It's still April. Long month.

My local grocery store has plenty of toilet paper, but the larger stores like Target do not.

Egg prices have come down slightly but are still way too high.

******
LaGuardia Dance had a meeting last night for parents, students too if they wanted to show up, and some of the teachers.

So many people had the same story.
Many of the kids have lost motivation.
These are kids who are used to being in the dance studio for 20-30 hours a week, and now... nothing.
These kids are incredibly motivated and driven, dance is their reason for getting out of bed in the morning and now many of them (including mine) just don't anymore.

Especially since the announcement no school since September, I have noticed a definite loss of motivation with Daya. It's hugely impacted the kids.
The parents who spoke were saying exactly what has been going on here, there is a comfort in that but it's still terrible.

The teachers give online dance classes but they are not mandatory and cannot be.
Most kids don't have the space and the floor type is really important too.

Daya has enough space in her to practice some stuff but it's not nearly the equivalent of being in the studio.

******
Here is a painting that I did in the Reuters East Coast sessions over the past few weeks.
Just to do... something, really.

6x8 pastel on black Richeson.

I'm  not feeling very productive artistically.
I'm just not up to it mentally.

*******
Well... I did it.... since I finished Shadow of the Tomb Raider (at 100% completion!... Daya is still working on it).........

This week I also succumbed to getting Fallout 76, my friend Audra is extremely happy about it. She's been trying to get me on this game since it came out. She even made me a room in her house with three (topiary!) cats because I have three cats.

Pebbles is in the game, but as a boy-cat.
There is a Pebbles lamp, plush, poster, and probably more stuff I haven't seen yet.
Who knew.... Pebbles really is invasive like that,  She does just impose herself everywhere, so I'm not surprised she's in Fallout 76 too.

The Easter Bunny and Toilet Paper

I made sure the Easter bunny still visited Daya.

With everything getting cancelled (especially school,  Ailey too) and my ill-fated transaction, this has been a stinging-painful week.  I feel like I'm reeling a little bit.  Most of my upset over everything isn't about me personally, it's about Daya and what she's losing and going through.  As a parent this is just what happens.  And I'm genuinely feeling for all the kids, especially the seniors.

Daya has a close friend also from LaGuardia dance that she has been pretty stuck to every day, and I'm very glad about it.  This would be so much worse if she didn't have friends to be with.

*****
In shopping news, I did find a bag of rice AND toilet paper at the store.
I also got some of my favorite tea.
Losing a good cup of tea is more than I can really deal with right now.
Thank goodness too, I was starting to get nervous about the toilet paper.
It has been a month since I bought any.
The local neighborhood grocery store seems to get stuff in more consistently than the larger stores, although it is still hit-or-miss.

While I did not panic-buy, I had us stocked up ok for a little while- but my tower was getting lower than I like, even under normal circumstances.

I can't believe I'm writing about toilet paper on my blog.
This is what we have come to, I guess.

*****
I did order another PS4 for Daya thru Ebay (again) so there's buyer protection there and I expect this time it will work out.

It's hard to forgive myself for being so dumb, I'll get there in time.

School Closed Until September

It's devastating.
I just can't even anymore.

Since we get out so late--- the very end of June- I was hoping maybe that would be our saving grace of getting the kids back, at least for June.

I am grateful Daya isn't a senior.
But I am absolutely heartbroken for all these kids, especially the seniors.

This hurts so much.

Welp.

Scam.
I got scammed.
Even though I know better, and I'm so careful with things it still happened to me.

I can say for absolute certain my cognitive function is really bad these days.
Like really, really bad.

I can't string thoughts together properly, thinking feels like wading through thick mud.
My mental function has been getting worse and worse over the last month- I was aware of this on a certain level through the stressful years of raising Daya, I thought it was bad before, now it's just ridiculous.

I know it's mental stress and feeling burned out.
Being scared and upset, disrupted.

So being in a very abnormal circumstance I have done something very abnormal.
I feel abnormal.

And this while I really am taking care of myself.
I'm taking the time to relax every day, I sleep well, I'm eating healthy (mostly).

Daya gets upset sometimes but she's doing as well as she can.  Ailey getting cancelled was hard, and this scam hit at the same time. Bad timing, bad business.
It's good that Daya and I get along well, we are living well together cooped up in our small home day after day. She's a good kid, she really is.

******
I filed a police report and will attempt to recover funds.
The site I found the "seller" through said he was identity verified, and I reported it early, before he took his profile down.  The police have the phone number and email address.
The officer said I can probably recover funds, especially if I threaten to report the site to the Better Business Beareau or give them bad publicity, which I am willing to do. I think that site is probably a huge breeding ground for scams.

I will never, never, NEVER go through a site that connects local people selling locally to each other again.  That's what ebay is for.  And I did purchase thru ebay, and when that didn't work out, I don't know, I just mentally crossed ebay off the list thinking people aren't shipping, because that's what ended up happening with my ebay purchase.

The stores aren't shipping.
Amazon isn't shipping.
It's all so.... abnormal.

*****
ALSO I'm out of good black tea and am stuck with my Costco size box of stupid weak Lipton tea, which I never drink except in dire emergency, usually in a restaurant.  It's better than nothing but I'm really missing better tea. I double up the teabags (well I usually do that) but it's a definite difference.

Tomorrow Starts Week 5

Tomorrow starts week 5 at home.
Here is the week 4 recap:

******
Egg prices in the grocery store, this should be illegal:

I normally pay $1.90 - $2.20 for 18 eggs at the grocery store.

Thank goodness Costco is still normal. I stocked up.
We go thru a lot of eggs.
I went shopping last weekend and I'm not going back until I absolutely have to.

********
One of my Topiary Cat paintings was featured on the Art Students League page.
It is 15 out of 33.

********

Daya's Ailey summer intensive got cancelled and she's heartbroken.
So am I.

********
Daya wants a Playstation 4 so she can play Warframe with her friend.
I told her yes I will get her one but she's under a work contract for it.

I am having a heck of a time getting one for her.
First I purchased one on ebay, paid, all of it.... the seller took too long to ship then cancelled the transaction due to not being able to get to the post office because of the virus.
I did get a full refund.

Amazon has them but isn't shipping until end of the month at the earliest.

Then Daya found a local seller- I asked twice if they are in walking distance from my neighborhood, no response.

Last night I found another listing on the local site----which was offering shipping----- and as of this writing might have done a stupid transaction. Seller gave their phone number and I texted to verify they really would ship, they said yes. They were very responsive.

Instead of paying verified with buyer protection through the website, the seller wanted a Cash App transfer, it's like paypal or venmo......... and I did it. This is something stupid I know it is, I'm really taking a risk sending a stranger $214 with no buyer protection.  And I really did it.  The seller was identity verified thru the website I found them at, and they have a few other listings. And I didn't pay sales tax and neither of us paid fees.

This was a freaking scary thing to do, they said they would send video of shipping and tracking this morning AND THEY DID NOT.

So I texted and didn't hear back, freaked out, called them- call rejected!!!!-- looked on Cash App, saw that the payee I sent funds to was different today than yesterday, the username I sent to yesterday NOT FOUND... well bad on me I guess........ the transaction is there but to a different username.

THEN the seller did respond and I was quite upset and told them so- he said his wife did ship the package this morning and he apologized, now he says I have to wait three hours for her to send the tracking.

So now I wait til this evening, I know this was a stupid way to purchase something and I can't even believe I did it.  I am hoping I didn't get scammed.  I will not know until I get tracking and a package arrives with what he said would be in it, in it.

I'm so scrambled and upset and the stress gave me a bad headache.

Even if this turns out to be legit I think I will not ever do this again because 1) it is stupid and 2) the stress isn't worth it.

*******
I hope to pass through this dreadful time quickly.

Also I hope toilet paper comes back into the stores because my toilet paper tower is getting a bit low.
I'll be ok til the end of next week............ then..... I don't know.

*******
Finally, here is a paragraph from a work update from our Chief People Officer,
I like it, so will put it here.

A final thought from me: many things are emerging that will serve us well as and after we recover from this crisis. People are finding that there’s strength in being gentle, that leading means so much more than managing, and small talk isn’t small at all. 
I’m sure you've noticed changes and developments in people, businesses, and society too – please reflect on these and ask yourself, what could this mean for us when (not if) we come out the other side?

Week 4 Start

Really can't wait til this shit is over.
I don't even know anything anymore.
Such a weird scary strange time.
Sometimes I am ok and sometimes I really am not.

******
Last night I met virtually with the Reuters East Coast Art Group.
It was good to paint and have good company.

I found my inflatable unicorn horn for cats while looking for my mahl stick.
Since I bought it at Blick it counts as an art supply.

Isis got to wear it and everyone liked it, Leah took a picture and posted.