Thoughts on Losing a Friend

I'm pretty sure I lost a friend today, a 4 year friendship, someone I would call a very good friend.

It's someone I still care about and wish well, but perhaps the friendship is either done or on pause, I'm not sure.  But time and space and leaving it alone right now is necessary.

And it's ok.

Being very honest, I have been holding onto anger and resentment towards this person, but I have also been able to have meaningful positive exchanges and good experiences with them.

Maybe I waited too long to say something?

Or maybe I waited because of the time they said something I found to be outright insulting I did say that directly and they dismissed it completely?

Maybe I waited because I knew that saying something would be a turning point in the relationship and I needed to be ready for that?

I do think we rub each other the wrong way sometimes but the positives outweighed the negatives, to me at least.

The issue I have with them is mostly about their pattern of pain-comparing in a way that minimizes mine in order to emphasize their own. Mostly they do it (often) when complaining about their job- they need to bring mine up as a comparison that I don't have the workload/stress/problems/etc they have.  Two weeks ago in the office I said I was leaving at 3 and they said- out loud publicly- "I envy your workload." It comes across like they have so much to do and I don't do shit.  My job has nothing to do with theirs, not even a little bit at all. Comments and comparisons like this happen a lot. I don't like it.

So I have been right on the edge of addressing this.

But Saturday evening they called me to talk about something very painful that is happening with their brother. He is back with a girlfriend my friend can't stand and they are getting married. I practiced my suicide hotline communications model and kept the conversation 100% focused on them and their thoughts and pain and  feelings for 38 minutes before I ended the call.  All good and fine, but in that conversation they brought up something I told them a while ago about my father, when I once asked him for help in a bad situation and he turned his back on me. They brought that up just to tell me their situation was "like that but worse." 

No.

I could not let that go.

I sent an email airing my grievance on Sunday morning.

They responded like I thought they would, using my note as an opportunity to tell me things I said that they didn't like, saying I'm opinionated (which is true but unrelated).

Anyhow, I got no sense that they think pain comparison is a problem, they said I was now making their painful situation about me, and they don't have the mental space to think about how they have offended me.

Ok.

Fine.

I wished them well and that's that.

While I am sorry to lose a good friend I am glad to have this resolved one way or the other.