Christmas

I like to go see the tree at Rockefeller on Christmas Eve.

It's nice to walk around for a little while, see the tree, which is crowded but still MUCH less crowded than at other times- and just float around for a little while then go home.

Daya and I didn't go last year but we did this year.

Usually we would see the tree, get some Godiva chocolate, then go home.

Godiva has been a covid casualty and all their stores are closed.

So we went to Magnolia bakery for some of their famous banana pudding instead.

Here are some nice store windows on 5th ave, walking south.

I love the dogs in this one!

(Samoyeds- I love those dogs)

I wanted to go inside St Pat's and light some Christmas candles but they were closed until midnight mass. It's ok, I lit candles there on Tuesday.

The tree is always beautiful.

Our 2021 picture

Magnolia menu

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I did nothing at home.

No tree, no Christmas list, nothing.

Daya was a real bummer last year about Christmas and I was close to not doing anything last year.

This year I really didn't.

I have never not done a tree and Christmas, but she's openly indifferent to it which is such a bummer- I like doing it but it feels terrible to do it and be met with indifference. So why should I bother?
And she was crappy again when I asked for her old pointe shoes for the tree.

I have not been feeling very appreciated lately and this year I decided to see if doing nothing is less crappy than doing the whole thing to be met with indifference.

This morning when Daya woke up she did actually come over and say Merry Christmas, which was very nice.

I do NOT like NOT having a tree, it's a real bummer.

So, I do wish this holiday could have been different in the sense that I would liked to have done it and have a nice time, but I think I did the right thing.  It can't be just me.

Christmas day itself is pleasant enough, I'm going to bake gingerbread cats.

I miss having a tree, I'll do that next year.  As for the rest, we'll see how the year goes.

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My Christmas wish is to get through the next few years intact physically, mentally, and financially.

I have 2 more years (This year and next year) of crazy dance expenses.
Even with the help my aunt has been giving the last 2 years for Daya's tuition, and the 50% financial aid from Manhattan Youth Ballet, this stuff is still no joke. I just paid for Knickerbocker, I have several hundred coming up in performance workshop fees for spring and June, and summer intensive expenses which is a few thousand. Tights and shoes and leotards... this stuff is seriously no joke.  And I have medical copays starting immediately in January for her physical therapy and chiropractor.

I don't know how I do it.
Since the Universe put this "thing I have to carry" in my life with a force that has always felt like something Much Larger, the universe needs to provide and get me through this, since I seem to have no real choice in the matter.  This whole thing with dance has always been a force that rips through everything no matter what I say or feel about it. 

(You hear that, Universe?)

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Summer auditions are coming up and Daya already submitted to Julliard.

I don't know where else she will apply, she's supposed to figure that out over break.

What I do know is this is the year for her to do a residential program.
If she gets into Julliard (they only take 40 people......!!!) I'm taking back her apartment keys and sending her to the dorm for three weeks. She has to pretend she doesn't live here.
If she doesn't get into Julliard I want her to do the EMIA residential program at Hofstra.

That's in NJ so she REALLY won't be able to come home when communal living gets under her skin.

Daya wants to go to the dorms.  She wants the experience of it, and she needs it.

She's desperate to move out and live somewhere besides home, and that is understandable.
I did my first dorm experience for 6 weeks when I was 16, and it was better going to college already having that.

Daya has never had to share space with anyone- I don't count, and we don't share a room anyhow.
She is used to having her own room, her own space, her own privacy, her own terms....she has never ever had to deal with sharing personal space with anyone.  She doesn't even like sharing a bathroom with me! When she comes home, she likes to retreat and take a break from people. You can't do that with a roommate.

When she goes to college- for the programs I am aware of that she wants- living in the dorms is required for Freshmen. So it's better that she learns to cope now. That's why I'm not going to allow her to come home for the duration.

So, I think communal living is something she needs to learn how to deal with.

I personally don't do well with it, I require my own space and all the times I had a roommate it was a real struggle for me. I don't mind having other people around, but I need to be able to retreat to alone-space.

I think Daya might take after me in this, at least to a degree. 
I think she'll have fun until she doesn't. Until she has to deal with the annoyances f it that you never see in movies or tv shows.

And who knows..... maybe she'll really love it.
It's lonely for her being aa only child, but then again having siblings carries its own challenges.

So we will see.