Visiting The Shush Lady

Tonight was my first river crossing of the season.

We visited the Shush Lady.

Also this year I am learning how to lead trips.

It is a little bit intimidating but I want to do it and learn new things.

So, I am learning how to know and predict the currents, because that is very important.

My First Trip Log:

The water was so nice... there were lots of waves and the sky was pretty.

Lighter

I can't believe how light I feel.

I'm not even sure what exactly happened to clear out all that trauma/trigger energy, but it happened.

It's just gone.

Granted, I was sitting in it and feeeling it and processing it for about three months and it was very intense.

I feel like I have been underwater for three months and have just resurfaced.

At least I had the sense and self-awareness to know that I was triggered, how triggered I was, and why.

This isn't something I have had to deal with for a very long time, and never dealt with fully, not like this.

So it makes sense that it would be overwhelming to hit me all at once like it did and would take me time to deal with the overwhelm and just feel my feelings.

After that post from the other day it all seemed to come to a head and exit.

There was something for me about releasing it externally, especially since when I am going through stuff I do it privately.

Everything looks different now, in a better way.

I am not looking at things through the lens of old trauma.

I am definitely back in my power and feel a shift.

I might lack grace and be a mess sometimes, but at least I have the sense to know that it's something about me that I have to process and deal with.   And I do not judge myself, no matter how ridiculous I am in my spiraling. The core of self-esteem is just being friends with yourself.

Something I do for myself is to give myself safe space to just be where I am without self-judgement, and express how I am feeling, no matter what it is. This is what Morning Pages are for.

It helps a lot.

Free Figure Painting & Recalibration

Today was a good day.

And also very, very hot.

I got to the boathouse early, before anyone else, so I started opening procedures.

Then people started showing up, with breakfast.

I went on patrol for about an hour, then refreshed the goose repellent on the dock.

And then I left to paint.

I didn't want to go too far from the boathouse, so I went to Rockefeller Park and what a great scene!

This painting took an hour and a half, 8x10 oil...

Free figure painting! Who can pass that up?

**********

I am feeling so much better today.

Wow, I really had all that trigger stuff building up for a long time and getting it out was probably necessary. 

I'm not spinning anymore and I feel grounded and back in my power. 

I might still get a little wobbly, but at least for today I feel a shift and this is good.

Bird MMXXIII

There is a reflective bird statue on Governor's Island.

Janae found it and told me to go paint it.

It was good advice.

So, today I did that.

It was hot outside so my goal was to get the painting to a decent finish as quickly as possible, which was maybe an hour and 15 mins.

8x10 oil

Our satellite boathouse.... it's been closed for a few years due to the dock falling into the water......

The lock combination is the same though... oh man it's gross in there.

I was going to see if my cheese is still in the fridge but I physically couldn't get over there.

There is a lonely Prowler hanging out.

I locked up and left, then went to find the bird.

The bird is here.

Statue of Liberty

The Staten Island Ferry, seen while walking back to the Governor's Island Ferry.

Post-painting sushi in a nice quiet place in lower Manhattan.

Yesterday

Although it is my instinct and tendency to isolate when I am not doing ok, I made myself go to the boathouse for our annual 4th of July party.  This year there were no fireworks in the park, thankfully! I didn't enjoy last year- way too many people! We also remained closed to the public and kept it a day of volunteers and invited guests.

It was a good time.

I can be a little off and people are good and supportive and caring even if they don't know what's going on and that's nice. And it's good to be in a place where I am known and accepted.

Also, I am part of a community, and it is important to show up for that and contribute.

My absence would likely have caused some concern, and isolating isn't healthy right now.

I went for a swim in the river...... a few times.

I also lost my sunglasses to the river when I did a self-rescue in the inflatable unicorn.

The River Gods must take their tokens!

My unicorn self-rescue was successful though and that's really all that matters.

I took Reign for a paddle.

It is ridiculously difficult to take a selfie with a dog in a kayak.

There were many deck boat self-rescues today.

I stayed out of deck boats, mostly because I felt lazy.

I do like them though.

The kayak jousting platform! It is epic.

I love it. I'm so proud of Andrew for thinking it up.

Aimee looking good in a deck boat.

The Inflatable Unicorn I am now officially certified to self-rescue in.....

(that's not me in the picture)

I have a "thinking spot" on the north corner of the dock.

It's also a nice place to paint.

My gear today:

People came by to visit while I painted.

Painting start:

6x8 oil

Sunset.....

And of course we went on the water for fireworks, which is the only proper way to see them.

Mirror

This morning I am processing some stuff.

Last night felt like a slap in the face from God, a big one, leaving me spinning saying WTF?

It's not right.

It's really not right or ok.

I know there are areas of my life that are under- or un-developed.

I very much want to grow and expand, but the opportunities don't materialize.

Occasionally when I'm in a bad place- and I really do feel like this- I feel like I never really stood a chance to either get past things or progress beyond a certain point. Cycles repeat.

And this is from core family stuff, I know that. I know what the root is.

I'm not wired properly. 

It's not my fault, and I have been doing my best with it.

Everything is an empty miss.

It's like I just hit a big cement wall and go splat, because I think maybe the wall is finally gone because I have done so much self work, or maybe for once life will throw me a bone.

I have gone splat again.

I tried not to. I lowered my guard, grudgingly, and it took a while. 

I thought it was safe. I had a lot of reasons to think it was safe. 

Anyone would have, honestly.

It wasn't.

It is a stupid awful cycle that has now repeated itself through the years a few times.

I really didn't need this. 2025 has been so awful.

Sometimes I get tired of constant self-processing, and I just want to have something nice happen and enjoy it and learn from experience and just be. A good energy shift. New energy.

This quote I found is what I need to remember:

Peace is not a luxury, it's a baseline. 

And anything that threatens it needs to be questioned, not welcomed.

Ugh except I DID question it, I DID NOT just dive into something without thinking straight, I thought I was careful, and the end result is the same, an empty miss that I did not initiate.

********

Fathers are important to daughters.

They have a profound impact on the kinds of people we attract.

They are the first man who will break a girl's heart, and it sets the stage for everything else.

My father has taught me to expect abandonment, no effort, absence, and inconsistency.

My father doesn't care at all, I don't even have his number anymore.

Haven't heard from him in years. 

After YEARS of basically begging him to be in my life, be in my daughter's life.

I don't do that anymore, not for anyone.

But it leaves a huge impact because it's a parent.

It's some pretty core feedback.

The last time he reached out to me was over 5 years ago- March 2020- just to ask if I still had a job.

Short phone call.

He didn't even call me on 9/11, which I was literally right in the middle of, which he knew.

When I talked to him after, he just said "I wasn't worried about it."

Great, your daughter was literally right in the middle of 9/11 and you weren't concerned at all.

In the 2000 election he called me just to say if I didn't vote for GWB, "don't ever call this house again."

Exact words. I'll never forget it and how it felt.

This is a huge reason why I still maintain a couple of friendships with people who like Trump, because this divisiveness and broken relationships over politics is part of the damage- which I believe is intentional- to fracture peoples' connections. I don't have to agree with them, and I'm not afraid to say so, but in those relationships we leave it alone and respect each other. If people are hateful and disrespectful to me that's another thing but friends don't have to agree on everything. 

The last time I spoke to my father was January 2021- and it was the first time since March 2020- to ask him about something guitar-related that Daya was interested in at the time.

He talked to me for 6 whole minutes before making a lame excuse to get off the phone.

He has also specifically said to me "If we don't speak for 5 years it's fine with me."

It was in response to me being upset with him for not calling me after he said "I promise I'll call you next week" and never doing it. Those words... I promise.

He knows how I feel and he even knows and has directly acknowledged I don't think he cares about me at all. 

But it makes no difference.

And after that 6 minute conversation I decided I was DONE.

He doesn't even know that Daya is at Juilliard.

Refunded Squirrel Food

This rain is bumming out my plein air life!

Look! Right in time for after work painting!

******

I went to Trader Joes quickly after work, before the rain started.

Even though I didn't get much, getting everything into my backpack was still Tetris practice.

The cashier and I talked about Tetris.

She did a great job fitting everything into my pack, without the extra bags I always have.

While I was putting away my extra bags, I pulled out a bag of Trader Joes sunflower seeds that is- embarrassingly- probably 2 years old.

It was in my pack to be squirrel food, but I forgot about it.

The cashier said, "You can return that!"

I said "Really?"

She said yes!

And so I got $3 back for 2 year old Trader Joes sunflower seeds.