St Pat's #7

I brought panpastels with me today, and they worked out extremely well!
They are exactly what I need, actually.

The priest came over to say hi again, he remembered me from when he said hi a couple of weeks ago.

9x12 on Mi Tientes

The biggest annoyance I have with cathedral-painting is they turn the spotlights on and off.
Honestly, everything looks better with the spotlights but they are only really on for mass so I don't have enough time to get the best lighting effects.

The spotlights had just come on in this picture, it was not the lighting scenario I had to paint from, unfortunately:

Here is the drawing:

*********
I made myself a custom St Pat's PanPastel Palette!
A while ago, Dru sent me her entire secret stash-  Dru, who is a watercolor wizard, acquired a very significant amount of panpastels and never even told me- and one day they just showed up in the mail!!

Of course I already have ALL the panpastels, so these are all duplicates but that's nice because I can keep them in this travel palette and my main collection stays together.

I think it needs some tweaks- I don't think I need the black one after all, and I might ditch the Paynes Grey too, and put in a few more color highlight colors.  That white marble is so nice, especially with the spotlights on and the windows reflect everywhere.

I like this view, this is with the spotlights on, I don't really know why they insist on turning them off.

More Vermeer Drawing!

I attempted to channel my inner David Kassan for the 1 hour pose tonight. 

He uses a black panpastel on (Mi Tientes smooth side!) grey paper with the triangle sofft tool, along with Generals charcoal pencils.

It's a nice way to work, and it's also a good thing I have All The Art Supplies so when I see a demo, I can just pull out whatever they are using (usually) because I already have it!

1 hour pose

20 mins, graphite
I was trying to see value-shapes.

The 7 minute poses, I like them.

Colliding Thoughts

So, I have mentioned I'm doing a Ken Goshen class and it is *so good* I also joined his Patreon.
He isn't a dogmatic teacher, not at all, in fact quite the opposite- he has his way of doing things but heartily says if you don't like it do something you like.

But the reason we work with a teacher is for their perspective, insight, and experience.
And teachers are influential.
Eventually after we learn from them, do it their way for a while, we then must make our own combinations/ perspectives.

And one of the best reasons to branch out from one person's way of doing things is because different people have different perspectives. And it's also easy to get pigeon-holed into one person's way of thinking or one system's dogma and not do something because they don't do it and we admire them.

**********
Yesterday Drawing America hosted an *amazing* guest-sketch session with David Kassan.
(His wife is also a phenomenal painter, go look up Shana Levenson.)

Although David worked from life, he uses photos a lot.
Kevin Wueste does, too.
I believe Ken Goshen doesn't but I could be wrong about that, he might occasionally.

But in both these examples, both David and Kevin (and Ken) are serious indisputable masters when it comes to working from life/drawing/everything.

I don't know where I am going with this except it is nice to see that balance.
It's cool when different teachers say completely opposite things.

*********
I am finding that so many of the artists I really admire come from the Florence Academy, or have been atelier-trained. For years I have been thinking if my life had allowed it, I would ship myself off to a classical atelier. It takes a few years, is not a college degree, and is *so expensive*....
Grand Central Academy tuition here in NYC is over 12k a year full-time.

I'm really jealous of people who get to do that, get that superior level of training and then get to go professional. I told Leah I wish I could do it, and she said she'd help me think about it, and I could probably make it happen in 10 years or so... but I don't want to wait 10 years to get that good!

The training makes the difference. It really does. Not just in technical proficiency, but in knowing people, studio setup, how to be a small business, all of it. The training is such an advantage, it is everything. And getting training like that, in that context, really is not very accessible in general.
It seems to be available to only a fortunate few who have the means and support.
It seems like if you don't have a good life setup to begin with, it's impossible.

I know this isn't entirely true, but it does seem to be a very common theme.

*********
I don't know where my art is going but I would like it to go...somewhere, more professional.
My life is transitioning now that Daya is older.
I never stopped painting through these many hard years, although I was significantly slowed down.
So now I am at a point where I have more freedom than I have had..... well, ever- (full time job and covid notwithstanding) ...... and while I practice a lot I need to have more direction.

I don't have a cohesive body of work, not really.

I definitely want to do:

• More Topiary Cats
• Plein air
• Cathedral series (ongoing)
  
• More master copies
• ????

*******
Being an artist often means being uncomfortable, and I am feeling very uncomfortable right now.
It's ok and necessary to feel artistically uncomfortable but it still sucks.

Sometimes exposure to people who are so skilled, so advanced, is intimidating.
And they get to have lives that are in all ways defined by their art. They are masters. They have the freedom and life setup to just make art at a really masterful level.  Because it does take an enormous amount of time. They admire each other and respect each others' work, they are all in that circle of master professionals.  I think that must be a wonderful existence.

*******
COOL PAINTING TIP THAT I SOMETIMES DO ALREADY THAT DAVID KASSAN DOES!!!!

Many years ago Drusilla gave me these really nice binoculars.
I keep them in my plein air gear and use them sometimes.
I also bring them to the cathedral and use them sometimes there, too.

David Kassan uses them when painting from life in the early stages in his studio!
He had a bad spot in a drawing class once and saw a lady using opera glasses....which he thought was brilliant, and he started doing it too! So it's kind of cool to know he does this, and it is also part of my gear!

Since my cataract surgery I have to use them through reading glasses (or my multifocal contact lens but I never wear that when I go out) and I'm sure I look weird but I don't care.

Thanks Dru!!

Duchesse Finished

I'm calling this done.

Carmen Aguado, duchesse de Montmorency, after Franz Xavier Winterhalter (1805-1873)
9x12 oil

St Patricks # 6

I was going to do a ceiling composition but my head wasn't up to it.

9x12 on Artagain, which is a very smooth paper, smoother than Mi Tientes.
Still don't know which I prefer.

I need to... turn a corner (pardon the pun) with these but I'm not there yet and I'm trying to not get repetitive.  I liked the blue glow on the right side wall, with the much brighter left-side windows, which is why I chose this particular composition.

It still feels awkward and I guess I'm trying to find my balance, which can only be done by doing more.
I also think I'm still too literal. Will need to play around with that, too.

Art is hard.

Artistic (?) Fatigue

My art-brain feels strained, since Wednesday.
I find this to be insanely annoying, to be honest, because I want to paint but my head is tired.
AND I have to go cathedral-paint tomorrow so I hope my head can get it together and start working again.

I have not finished my Winterhalter Duchess.
But I did start another little studio painting so I could try Arches oil paper, which is lovely.***

On Tuesday I taught 2 classes on perspective to Leah's students.
We had to account for global time zones, so that's why the class ran twice, and both sessions were really different.
It was a lot of work but also really fun.

***I found out about this paper from my Ken Goshen class.
Also, I decided to join his Patreon because I'm finding his painting instruction to be super-excellent.
So I have been playing his videos a lot this week.

So much painting focus, maybe that's why I'm tired.
Or maybe it is the season change that is in the air.
Last night I could only paint for an hour, and this morning too.

It's weird to be very motivated to work, but yet my brain feels so strained and doesn't want to do anything!

One Year

Today one year ago was the last day I worked in the office.

They said two weeks....ha!
Tomorrow will be one year since Daya's last real day of school.

Drawing on Wednesday

We are still on the Vermeer theme, since we are listening to Girl with a Pearl Earring.

I did feel a bit off tonight, that happens sometimes. But it is still good to show up and practice.

20 mins

7 minutes (I like these)

 1 minute poses

1 hour-ish

Glaze layer 3...still going.......

I can't get the photo quite right but .... I think...... one more layer ought to finish this off.
About 2 1/2 hours on layer 3 this afternoon....and I'm getting to that point where I'm ready to be done with her.  The hair needs another layer for sure, and a few touch-up areas in the face and background.
She has a few minor drawing issues because I didn't put in the time I should have, but I fixed a few of them today and the rest are minor enough that I'll just live with it.

Maybe by Wednesday she'll be ready for layer 4.
Then I'm calling her done.

She's 9x12 oil.

Fight with Winterhalter, Glazing, & Lead White

Today I really should go out painting but I woke up too early then woke up too late.
I had a dream the cat puked and I cleaned it up, and when I woke up the cat really had puked and I cleaned it up.

I cannot get a break from cat puke.

Anyhow.

**********
I am in Old Masters mode. Hardcore. Whoa.

Early-ish last month I decided to do an old master copy, 
I'm doing Carmen Aguado, Duchesse de Montmorency, 1860, by Franz Xaver Winterhalter.
(Her painting lives in Versailles)

I started it first the wrong way and had a huge fight with Winterhalter, and ended up starting over because it really was very unfixably wrong because I was not putting the focus in.
When doing these copies, and painting in general, I think it is good practice to ask for help from the ghosts of artists past.

So Winterhalter and I had a chat fight.

He said glaze it.
I said No, I don't want to do that, I don't like working like that, I like direct painting.
He said glaze it.
The Duchess said Fuck you.
I said ok fine, but I'm doing the charcoal drawing right on the panel.
Winterhalter sighed, painfully.
The Duchess said Fuck you.

So I did the drawing and it didn't occur to me to use fixative on it until my Ken Goshen class last week, but by then it was a month too late. I had a little trouble with the vine charcoal and the paint but not too much.

I did.... not a grisaille exactly, because I used Rublev's amazing lovely Italian Green Umber, not black, so an...Umberaille?

Umberaille
Rublev Italian Green Umber and Titanium White
(No black, you want the grisaille to be slightly lighter in value, the glazes will darken it a bit.)

Glaze Layer 1
I thought I would be clever and change the blue to a viridian color.
Then I decided I should stick to the original colors. (Although she would probably look pretty good with viridian.)

In the first glaze layer I used Gamblin's solvent-free gel.

OMG I LOVE GEL MEDIUMS but that is nothing new. I use them a lot.
But this layer took a week to dry!! I was not expecting that.
I know glazing paintings involves a ton of waiting for it to dry, but we live in modern times and have good solutions to that so.......

Glaze Layer 2

I switched to Gamblin's Galkyd gel, which should dry in a day or 2.
Photographing her is harder than painting her!

I also pulled out my Cremnitz white.
This is a situation that calls for beautiful luminous lead.

I don't know how many glaze layers to do....... some areas will need more work than others.
But she is ready for layer 3. And she does not photograph well.
I'm happy with her though, she's getting nice and glowy.
Her forehead needs a very slight fix, her hair needs work, background needs more layers, her dress needs more work... but I'm pleased with her and as it turns out I am seriously LOVING the glazing process! Winterhalter was right. :)

I hope to have the Duchess finished this week or next, depending on drying time and however many layers she needs.

********

I pulled out my old WN Crenmitz. (PW1)
WN doesn't make it anymore.
Several years ago lead got very hard to find, which is unfortunate for us oil painters.
It was mostly due to EU regulations and dangerous industrial use.
Art pigments are a tiny market relatively speaking.  Industrial and manufacturing is primary.
Whatever goes on there impacts paint.

I stocked up on flake white when they discontinued it. Flake white is lead + zinc.
Cremnitz is just pure lead. I don't use it for direct painting much but for portrait glazing and old master copies it is the best white out there. It has a beautiful consistency and is warm and translucent. It is chemically stable, acts as a drier, and gives a wonderful glow. 

I had trouble opening the tube so had to run it under hot water, which kind of messed up the label.... this tube is now a relic of the past but the paint is still good!

I also picked up a new tube of Michael Harding Cremnitz.
You can still get lead from Michael Harding, Rublev, Old Holland has it for an extraordinary price, I think so does Vasari (also for an extraordinary price). 

I think Rublev and Michael Harding are the way to go, now.

I LOVE LEAD

WHY PAINT WITH LEAD?

The first reaction everyone has when they find out I have zero issue painting with lead is OMG THAT IS SO DANGEROUS!! YOU WILL DIE AND KILL EVERYONE AROUND YOU AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING BECAUSE YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY A "PROFESSIONAL" ARTIST!!

Yeah, I have had several encounters where I knew more about materials than even long-time "professionals".
I can swim just fine in the professional materials-talk water.
And I have been dismissed by people asking me questions and not believing me because I'm not a "professional"- which only means that's how you pay your bills.

Just because painting doesn't pay my rent doesn't mean I should be dismissed, I do have the training and definitely have a "professional" level of study.

Guess what, lead isn't dangerous when bound in oil.
It does not absorb through the skin as oil paint, but use as makeup is a bad idea. (Ceruse was water, vinegar, and lead. That being said, I definitely would not spread lead oil paint on my face! )

Lead is highly toxic when ingested or inhaled.
It is especially and tragically dangerous to small children.

And its historic use in makeup was deadly. 

So, no you don't want your walls painted with it!! That IS dangerous!

And you also never want to sand a panel in which lead was used...well I suppose you could wet sand it but I wouldn't. And you do NOT want to mull your own lead paint. 

Lead white is not dangerous in a fine arts oil painting context.
Don't eat your lead paint, don't sand lead-painted panels, or spread it on your face. and you'll be fine.

And your paintings will glow.

Very popular cadmiums DO absorb through the skin barrier.
I like them too but am careful about it.

St Pat's # 5

Here is today's painting.
I worked on black Mi Tientes today.

Several people came over to chat and asked for cards... I ran out!
I didn't have a card to give the last person who asked..... 2 people asked for info on portrait commissions.

Honestly I was not expecting to give out cards, normally people don't ask at the cathedral. I do always have a couple on me, but maybe now I'll carry more.

And I'm glad my website is all updated.

9x12, 4 hours and 15 mins-ish

The drawing took about an hour, I liked how it turned out.
I was smart- I was getting lost in the different sections at the top and I had the great idea to do the drawing with different colors to keep my place mentally.

(It wasn't actually my idea, I did ask the Universe for assistance....)

******

These cathedral paintings are quite difficult and require a lot of focus.

I'm not where I want to be with them, I see issues and things I don't like, and working on the black paper was REALLY different than lighter paper!!! I had no idea how to handle a few things but I figured it out, at least at a starting point.

I still feel somewhat uncoordinated....what I need to do is keep things the same for a while- paper, and paper color. 
What I do not know is if I like black or dark grey better. 
Artagain or Mi Tientes?
Or if it doesn't matter?

I kind-of made a decision to do 20 of them and then evaluate.  

This is only #5, I don't have enough experience to make decisions.

Morning Meditation

 I got a nice mantra-message in my morning meditation this morning.

"I am open to receiving the miracles of today."

It put me in the mindset that no matter what happens today, it will be for my benefit.

I had an 8am meeting, and about 15 minutes before I had to log in, my internet was not working.
That was frustrating.
My router fell down when I was resetting everything.
Which made me say to myself, 'This is a terrible configuration."

And that made me look at the ridiculous configuration of plugs and wires under my computer, which is terrible and I have been putting up with it.... so I'm making changes there.

*****
When I joined my Reuters art group, I found out our member Sandra is now cancer-free! :)
THAT is a truly wonderful thing!
Sandra said that her cancer taught her how to receive good things.
That is an important lesson, I'm working on it.

*****
On our call I did my homework for the Ken Goshen class.
I completely cheated and shortcutted, which he considers valid.
Instead of doing a drawing, I just transferred it from a (terrible) printout.

Then because I stunk up my place with fixative, I opened my other window and somehow managed to break my curtain tension rod. It no longer...tensions.

It is not really fun to be on a global video call while standing precariously on your window sill fighting with a curtain rod.  I ordered a new one, and am not really sure how this is to my benefit but I'm not too worried about it.

Blog Settings Update Again

So as planned I did turn off the RSS feed to my blog but it broke the email subscriptions!
Which I suppose makes sense. That's what the one test post was about that apparently may have come through a few times.

Anyhow everything is fixed now.
:)

Wednesday with Vermeer

Abigail modeled for us tonight, and she was dressed *exactly* like Vermeer's Girl witha Pearl Earring.

She looked exactly like her too, it was just stunning!

Both drawings are graphite on Artagain.

20 mins

45-ish minutes

A New Class

I follow a locally-based artist named Ken Goshen on Instagram.
He's pretty awesome.

(Look at his bread series!)

Anyhow I saw on Instagram he is offering a 10 week old masters painting class for 10 weeks on Tuesdays.  

Tuesdays are usually blank evenings for me, which I would like to fill.

Also the full 10 week class was... $110!  WOW! That is CHEAP.
Sessions are scheduled for an hour and run for 2 hours.

We are doing a Rubens portrait.

The first class was tonight.

It was really, really good.

Ken is a really engaging and funny teacher.

And he just finished up the class where everyone does the drawing, this is a continuation, so I have some work to do!

Test Post

 Just a test :)

Aphrodite

It's still raining today and I cannot cathedral for two days straight; it really wears me out.
So I went to The Met and painted Aphrodite.

Pastels are fine at The Met, thank goodness. 

This painting took- almost to the minute- exactly three hours.

I really need a lot more practice.

9x12 pastel on Artagain, which I like for on-location pastel work. 

I don't know if I like it more or less than Mi-Tientes, but I do like it.

St Pat's Pipe Organ

We have rain all weekend, so outdoor painting is... out.
I figured I'd tackle the pipe organ at St Pat's.

I was doing well at first, despite having to paint something behind me.

The priest came by to say hello.

I used the correct side of Mi-Tientes.

My view was good.

And then...... an hour into the painting....... 

they turned off the lights on the pipe organ!!

I mean, it was dark!

I could not see anything, all the details in the wood disappeared, the entire value scheme changed, and this painting should have been done on black paper.

It's on a pretty grey paper, but it was too light for a dark scene and I fought against it.

I'm still figuring out my materials, to be honest.

Although this is the smooth side of Mi Tientes, it still has a little texture and I had some trouble handling it, but that could have also been due to needing a darker paper color because the lights went out......

I'm going to try Artagain paper next, which is a very smooth paper- so not really a pastel paper- but I did like working on the not-great smooth Strathmore grey sketch paper.

This is so different from how I work pastels in-studio or plein air, it's sanded paper always...but that's maybe not a good choice for indoor on-location small setup work. It's a lot messier and dustier. 

Maybe I'll still try some Uart Dark.  Or Sennelier.

But I don't know, I kind of like the idea of smooth paper for these.
I don't want a heavy-painted look.

4 1/2 hours, 9x12 pastel on Mi Tientes

The drawing:

2 Quotes of the Day

......because sometimes I really am a snob.

 "If you want your acrylics to look like oil paintings,
  then paint with oil!"

and

"You're not going to get an Old Master effect by
using latex."

-Stefan Baumann

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VErii_j8o5U

How to Prevent Being Stupid

I went to Blick last night because the Derwent Metallic Paint Pans are FINALLY here in the US and are on sale.

I don't need them but I need all the shiny things so....

Well, I also found a pad of Mi Tientes grey-tones.
Which I got because I'm thinking about my cathedral paintings. This is nice paper for those.

But--- the textured side of Mi-Tientes should not even exist, it is so terrible.
Literally everyone hates it.
It is also the "front" of the paper.

And I used it by mistake on my last cathedral painting. Ugh.

BUT I GOT SMART!

I marked every single sheet of Mi Tientes from my old pad and the new pad so I will never again use the horrible textured side by mistake!

I was so smart!

Small mental victories.

We need to celebrate small mental victories.

OMG OMG OMG

 So I heard from the landlord.

And also the girl who runs the office wrote me, she listened to the videos I sent and said "That is crazy."

The landlord spoke with the tenants and they told him they are moving! I guess he didn't know!
WOW THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!!!!!!! I sure hope it is true!

Ohhhh I have been desperately praying for this for three years................

I might be in for a few noisy weeks. I'll have to deal...it will be much easier to take knowing they will be leaving.

Please send the Best Upstairs Neighbor vibes you can muster, I really, desperately need a break after these past three years which have been enormously stressful and distressing.

I deserve a break, and some peace.

I'm tired of long-hauls.

I deserve a nice home, some peace, and just a break in general.
I deserve to move out of hardship into a better life experience.

St Patrick's #3

Well I guess this might be my thing for a while, until I can find other churches that are open long enough for me to stay for 4 1/2 hours ....
Although I also want to go to Grand Central.

I changed my paper for this one- the other 2, while successful, are on Strathmore grey-toned sketchbook paper. It's really not the best.

So I switched to Mi-Tientes.

And of course I was stupid and used THE WRONG SIDE and fought with it a lot.

Next week I'll try again and make sure to use the smooth side, which is much better.
I may try Artagain paper too.

The colors today were really interesting, the top arches were glowy purple from the lights, with warm space underneath. I almost didn't finish and rushed through the lower left side.

9x12 pastel

Here is the drawing, which took almost 2 hours-- I was slow today.

Scrambled

I'm having trouble with the upstairs neighbors again.
The noise.
I hate noise....but it is more than that, it is the sheer inconsideration.

There has been so much banging around up there, and it has been hard to live with.
They are so loud!
I haven't said anything because what can I really do...what can anyone do....except- I really, really think they are not in compliance anymore with carpeting.

Sharp impacts, things dropping and rolling around, so much furniture scraping and banging...that can't happen on a carpeted surface. Also, they haven't vacuumed for a long time, and they used to, after the landlord told them to carpet a while ago.

So before proceeding with the landlord I asked the super if he has been up there recently- and what is the carpet situation?
He says he thinks they have an area rug, but not covering the rooms. 
They are supposed to have 80% of their floors covered.
He said he would speak to them.

Is that why they BLASTED their awful music again last night? 
I made 2 videos for the landlord and called the police.
Their music is audible outside my front door even over the lobby music downstairs.
And its not nice music, it's loud angry mean music.

And then I had trouble sleeping because I don't deal with conflict well and I feel..... wow, guilty? nervous? wrong? (???)... for calling the police and saying something again. I don't actually know what the emotion is, to be honest.  Like I'm in the wrong for speaking up about a true disturbance. 
I did grow up learning I was supposed to suffer through things rather than speak up, so I guess it's that.

The disturbance is very real, it is ongoing, and I have every right to say something about the music volume and the carpeting, yet I feel so nervous about it. 

It's a young couple up there...they had a baby.... I know music impacts babies, and I wonder if angry blasting music impacts the baby... none of my business of course, but I'm genuinely curious. (Maybe it would cry less? It cries a lot but some babies do so who knows?)

I really, really wish they would move.
And that I get a nice quiet neighbor upstairs.

Honestly, I need a break from crap and I'm so tired of absolutely everything.

Battery Park Plein Air

Today I thought it might be a good idea to change things up a bit and go to battery park.

Here is the Statue of Liberty.

8x10 oil, about 3 1/2 hours painting time

My Seagull Friend

The sky was gorgeous!

The humble start of this painting. :)

Blog Email Subscription Added

Lisa gave me a great idea. (Thanks!)

I have added email subscription.
It's on the right in the sidebar, fairly prominent.

Just enter your email address.
You'll then get an email with a confirmation link, to prove you are not a robot.
The time range for emails is 9am-11am eastern time.
Hopefully it won't go to spam.

I am going to keep this link public but shut off all RSS feeds, so I won't be on Bloglovin of Feedly anymore. But you can still visit and get updates.

I'm pretty sure it's all working properly because my test worked.

The RSS feed will end March 1st.
If you subscribe and it doesn't work, please email me at hildewintera at yahoo dot com.

As always thank you all for your wonderful presence and support!

Tuesday Things

A GOOD THING

My bank called me, someone from the branch, and it took me over a week to return the call.
I'm sure glad I did, wow!
My bank called to tell me I am pre-qualified for an installment loan.

I have been seeing this on my account for a while but ignored it because I don't need a personal loan for anything. The last thing I want is more debt.

But then I saw my FICO score, and it said I could raise it by taking out an installment loan.

And my bank keeps offering me a loan.
SO...... why not? 

I figured I'd go in, borrow a small amount, not spend it, and just pay it off early and push up my credit.

.....

That's not what happened.

As it turns out I took out a MUCH lower-interest loan that was enough to pay off ALL of my high-interest debt plus extra!

So I did it. It was a good offer, a good decision, win-win all around.
I never would have done this if the branch person hadn't called me.

I am really ready to go out of hardcore survival into thrival.
I have never known anything except survival.

While it will take me a while to pay off the new loan, it is a set, fixed path and I feel good about it.

********
LISA where are you? Did you see my blog settings note? I hope you are ok, I also left a note on your blog.

********

CONFESSION TIME

So.......... I'll preface this one by saying I have never had a weight issue in my life.
I have always been small and skinny,  But I have also been off meat since I was 16 which cuts out a whole lot of fast food. And I'm not really a fast food person anyhow.  I also don't drink soda. I prefer salty to sweet, if I have to choose. A large percentage of my diet for many years has naturally been protein and veg.

That being said, I never worried about the relatively small amount of junk in my diet, because you have to live, too.

This is probably the main reason I maintained my pre-pregnancy weight solidly until July 2019.
That was the month I was stuck at home because I couldn't see, because I had to be out of contact lenses for a month before my cataract surgery. And I REALLY could not see.

My June 2019 physical was normal, then I went for my pre-op in July 2019 and I had gained six pounds! In ONE month!!!!!!! I know why too and I'll get to that.......

Covid lockdown has been pretty terrible, and like everyone else in the world I absolutely took refuge in my most-loved but worst-ever foods. But for the most part my weight held steady until.... it didn't. But it didn't get too far.

I absolutely REFUSE to have a weight issue.
It's partly for health but I'd be lying if I didn't say it is also vanity.
I don't need to be unhappy with my body in that way.

So, 5 1/2 weeks ago I cut out ALL sugar (yes even in my tea) and basically all carbs and starches.
I am down 7 pounds.

I do not feel any different being off sugar, and that's probably because I never had a sugar problem to begin with.

This is what did me in, my crack, my ultimate weakness............

OMG.
I freaking LOVE potato chips.
And very specifically, plain ones and preferably Lays.
I do not care at all about flavored potato chips.
And, I discovered, I don't have the same reaction to other brands.

My grocery store was out of Lays recently and I got another brand and...they were passable but not the same, not even good enough to want to buy them again if needed.

It got me thinking.

There must be something in Lays that is addicting, like a chemical addiction- even though the ingredients are simple.

I googled it.
Turns out I'm right, but I couldn't find anything about addicting chemicals in Lays specifically.

It also turns out that potato chips are literally one of the absolute worst foods to eat, they contribute to fast weight gain, and- very specifically- are as addicting as hard drugs!!!!!!

Wow.

Also, I'm not alone.
(According to this article I'm weird! "After years of being addicted, I don't have a single favorite kind of chip. I really don't care too much, as long as I'm able to eat them. But there's one flavor I'd really prefer not to eat: the basic, salted variety. People who buy that stuff are weird.")

There are scientific articles, Reddit threads from people seriously seeking help, news articles, research........ potato chip addiction is a real thing.

I have been on strict food restriction for 5 1/2 weeks, I mostly feel just fine and am dropping my small amount of extra weight.... but even after all these weeks I'm still thinking about potato chips with way too much longing and fondness.

But I absolutely REFUSE to come out of covid lockdown needing to drop potato chip weight, and it does feel better to have the discipline and keep my body in healthy shape.

But oh man, potato chips...!

No Bones

So.

I went to Blick today and got a small drawing board for church painting.

And I figured it would be a good idea to try my new setup at AMNH.

Actually it all worked pretty well except the subject matter.

This bomb is the Titanosaurus and it was NOT fun.  I worked on it for 2 hours and called it quits.

I do NOT enjoy all those bones, it's too tedious and to be honest, a little beyond my knowledge of how to resolve all that complexity in my head.  As it turns out, I CAN resolve complex cathedral architecture- which I did not know until I tried it last week- but all those bones? 

Never, ever again.

Also, my art-brain is a little tired, but even so I would have been fine with less insane subject matter.  I have no idea what I was thinking.

Leprosy & Divorce

I went back to St Patrick's to paint.

I was present for 2 sermons- the English one, where they spoke a lot about leprosy but then- pleasantly surprising, talked about kindness and being kind to others who are different.

The Spanish mass also spoke about leprosy- and divorce, then leprosy, then marriage.  All the married couples stood up and basically renewed their marriage vows.  It was kind of sweet, actually.  

Much nicer than leprosy.

********

This painting also took about 4 hours.
I'm using my Strathmore grey-toned sketchpad, which honestly is not great paper and it isn't even pastel paper. Maybe I'll try Mi Tientes next time, it may be time to upgrade.

9x12 pastel

Balto and Pine Trees

Today I dialed into Leah's beginning drawing class- they were doing pine trees.
I was in Central Park, so I looked for a pine tree or 2 to paint.

The original plan was to go back up to Pinetum but I left late and it's a much longer journey for me to the Upper West Side, and Leah was starting at 12:30.

But...Balto the Sled Dog to the rescue!

The dog is the Balto statue, he has been there since 1925.

8x10 oil

Then Daya needed pointe shoes and another fitting so I met her at Onstage.

Suffolks this time.

Heartwall

This post is just a bit of a Life Update.
I did start a painting tonight but it needs a lot of work before being ready to post.

********
So, I'm a little weird.
If you know me you'd probably agree, but there is a lot of stuff I don't talk about.
Or even blog about, but it's more likely to end up here than in conversation with anyone.

I'm not going into the background of how this evolved, let's just leave it at one thing leads to another, but today was the 4th and last week of energy healing sessions I have had to clear my heartwall.

It is a modality called Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson.

I never heard of it until very recently, again, one thing leads to another.
And this blog is non-commercial, meaning I have no interest in promoting anyone, not even myself , since I don't promote or tell anyone about this blog.

But this is important to me personally and it was intense.

So, I had my heartwall cleared by a lady named Lee Mudro.
It took 4 1-hour sessions.

******
I have therapied everything. 9 years of therapy.
Therapy is not what I need anymore.
It does nothing. I don't need to talk.
I run out of things to talk about. Quickly.
I'm past the point where individual therapy is useful because I already have clarity.
Therapy gives clarity but it doesn't necessarily clear the energy.

** I would do therapy with Daya in a heartbeat but she won't and it's her choice.

But.

Despite all the therapy there are things that I can't seem to shift.
Major life patterns.
It's an energy thing.

So I had my heartwall cleared and it was intense.

 I didn't know how it really worked until I went through it.
And... although I'm a believer in "alternate" modalities, I myself am always looking for validation to trust it. And it happened twice in very specific ways that Lee could never have known.

And honestly all of it made sense to me, and I agree with everything that came up to be cleared.
Nothing was a surprise. There were a few things that were interesting, but not surprising.

It takes three days for the energy to really clear, so it will all be really gone Sunday afternoon.
But I feel lighter.

I do need more work, I know my body is holding other things that need clearing.
So I will do that.

I need to move from survival to thrival.
That is my new theme.
My whole life I have been just trying to keep my head above water.

I want to shift into something better.

Blog Settings Update

 Although this blog link is publicly accessible, although not available to search engines, I don't ever share the link anymore, not for several years now, and only a few people read it that I am aware of.

But it is out there on Bloglovin and if anywhere else, I'm not aware. I think just Bloglovin.

Sometimes I still get spam comments but not too often.

Anyhow I have been thinking, especially now that Daya is older, to limit access.
My paintings (without commentary) are on Facebook and Instagram, and my website.

But I am still going to blog here as normal.

***********
Daya does know about this blog and has never given me any indication of discomfort.  

The last time she made mention of it was when school started this year and she wanted to see all her first day pictures and was upset that a few weren't on here... I have since added them.

I'm going to give it until March 1, but in the meantime please email me at hildewintera at yahoo dot com if you wish to keep reader access, because I have to add your email to the reader list and send an invitation.

OR- Lisa I think this may only impact you- I might keep the link public but stop the Bloglovin feed.
Last time I did that you said you had trouble accessing.
So you would have to come to the link directly instead of how you usually get here, if it is different.
But email me anyhow.

*******
I'm pretty sure the spam comes from Bloglovin and it's really the only public place that people can find this link. I removed it from all my profiles everywhere a few years ago. 
But it's mostly a privacy thing and I have to consider Daya since she's on here a lot.

I know a couple of you are still (amazingly) coming back here after a whole bunch of years, and I want to say thanks for your presence and support!

St Patrick's Cathedral

It snowed again today.

Today I went back to the cathedral to paint.

I really want to visit some other churches, but a lot of them are still closed.
We have a lot of gorgeous churches here in the city.

This was very difficult, I guess there's something new I need to get more proficient at...

Anyhow it took 4 hours and I was there right until closing.

9x12 pastel in my grey toned sketchbook, Nupastel and Carb Othello pastel pencils.