My Amazing Orange Disco

Oh my god I love the orange disco!

There is a blue one in the boathouse also, it's the exact same boat except for the color, but somehow the orange one fits me better.

I think it's the leg straps, which you need (usually) with this boat.

It is a French boat, so perhaps it is a matter of je ne sais quoi!

I did announce that we are having an affair.

None of my boathouse friends judged this.

It was another 12 lap day.

Some of us stayed on the water til just after dark.

Then there was a very nice impromptu dinner party.

I'll be so sad when the season ends!

Sunrise Light

Being on the water at sunrise is so peaceful.

It's a very early wake-up, but it's worth it.

It's a special time of day with its own unique feeling of peace.

The light was particularly nice today.

There are some early runners out this early; more come out as the morning passes.

I always think to myself how much nicer it is to be on the water than running.

I am a brackish oyster

Yesterday I had a facetime call with my aunt to go through some old stuff of mine that has been sitting in my mother's house since before I left for college.

So, a long time.

This whole thing has been absolutely horrible and is dredging up so much trauma.

The house- which has taken 9 months to empty- is almost done.

It has been traumatic for everyone involved except ironically, my mother.

But only because she hasn't asked and also she's mentally compromised/ incompetent.

She also still has not asked about either of her daughters.

She is coherent enough to kind-of converse and yes she recognizes people.

The house literally needs a hazmat cleaning.

It's so extremely bad. A biohazard.

A physical reflection of her extreme mental illness.

Which I got blamed for growing up.

I get a physical revulsion feeling seeing that space again.

My aunt gets it too and says I'm the only one who understands this.

I sure do.

********

We went on a boathouse trip last night to Gansevoort beach.

It's about a mile up the river.

The orange Disco is now my absolute favorite boat.

This trip was a good distraction, it was good to be around fun wacky people and laugh for a few hours.

Ethan did some interviews, here is mine:

And it's true.

I feel like a brackish oyster, constantly filtering the crap of life.

The oyster is my current spirit animal or something.

I'm tired of it.

But it was a very fun evening and I am so grateful for this community.

The water is amazing and so is the Disco. 

It is small and lightweight, fast and very tippy, and glides through the water.

It is a small-person boat. 

The water is very warm and I love being on the river at night.

Coco and Reign

The dumbest anxiety dream ever

Yesterday I got a text from the hotline asking me to be a guinea pig for a fundraiser.

It's only gone out to a few people so far, they are testing the page I guess. But it's live and works.

Me:     I am definitely the wrong person for fundraising.  I didn't even do them for my kid.

They:  Everyone feels that way! Be uncomfortable! in another VERY LONG text. 

Me:     It's on my NOPE LIST along with sewing and algebra. I deeply hate it.

They:  I hear you and zero expectations but set up the page! in another VERY LONG text.

******

That night I had a dream I went to the hotline and..... it was full of 20-somethings on their phones with loud dance party music playing. Apparently it was an effort to get volunteers to stay longer and not leave.

Except for the 20-somethings, who are all wonderful in real life, this is 1) exactly the opposite of the hotline environment and 2) exactly the kind of environment I hate.

In my dream, I said how can we take calls with all this loud noise? What is going on here? This is awful!

The 20-somethings just gave me silent stink-eye and relegated me to dumb clueless annoying old person status.

******

I woke up and thought, wow, what's up with that dream?

Ah, it's the fundraising.

I said "I deeply hate doing that" and the response was oh just do it anyhow.

Ok whatever.

I set up the page but I refuse to spam anyone.

Just to not be the lousiest person ever, I did put a link on my home page.

So yeah, if you want to donate (I'm spamming my own blog) here you go.

Link to donate

Thanks.

Toilet Paper Training & Carnivorous Oysters

I went on the water early this morning before the public program.

Not for as long as I wanted, because I was late to being early so only got about 30 mins.

While I was on the water- but almost time to come in- I got a text:

We ran out of toilet paper in the boathouse bathroom today.

It's one of those industrial holders with a lock.

Except ours is also taped together because it's the boathouse.

We found the toilet paper and the key.

There is also a roll of tape next to the key to tape up the holder, again, because it's the boathouse.

Yes, we actually have a dedicated roll of tape just for the toilet paper holder.

Martin then sent me the best text ever:

********

We really do everything we can to keep people in the boundaries and let them know beforehand to stay inside the red buoys.

Today I told someone (A GROWN-ASS ADULT!!) there were carnivorous oysters outside the boundaries, so be sure to stay inside.

They actually believed me and got scared.

For real.

I can't even.

Lower Manhattan & The Staten Island Ferry

If you need to take your mind off things, I recommend going to Governor's Island and painting the Lower Manhattan skyline. The ferry is free before 11am.

I already knew where I was going to paint before I left home, so that saved time.

This painting took 3 1/2 hours, almost exactly.

The clouds were great when I started then faded away. 

9x12 oil

The setup on this painting took some thought and planning.

I used my skewer (a wonderful thing to carry with your brushes!) to make sure my verticals stayed vertical.  I have a bad habit of making them lean, but it's also a common problem.

Easily fixed with a skewer.

When I do the skyline layout, it's easy to lose my place, I mark a few of the addresses I know. 

I marked 17 State, 28 Liberty, and 100 Wall... all places of employment.

55 Water is in the painting too but it is lower down so I didn't have to mark it.

I didn't mark the WTC because that one's obvious.

Except to the guy who came up and asked me which one it was.  

Then he started asking me other questions and I told him I'm not a tour guide.

********

Overheard quote of the day:

"I almost just lost my life!

.... it's ok, I had a lot of fun."

********

I have also decided that when people stick their camera in my face without asking, they get their picture taken too. Wow you should have seen how fast this guy turned around when I got my phone out! The woman with him was just nodding.

If people ASK, I'm really nice and cool about it.  I always say yes and request no close-ups.

I did have trouble with several people getting way too close to me with-- and without-- their cameras.

And I was out of the way.

Have some respect for other humans out in public please!!

I am not your entertainment!

ASK and be respectful!

We have really lost that as a society with all these damn phones.

*****

I also put in the Staten Island Ferry, because why not?

It is the most obnoxious yellow-orange color.

Good thing I had my cadmiums with me.

I had to wait several times until the ferry passed to paint it.

That was ok, I had plenty of other work to do in the meantime.

And here is our little neglected satellite boathouse at Pier 102.

Ok & Not Ok

Whoa.

I was supposed to be on the hotline last night.

Thought I was ok.

I went, arrived on time.

I have been pretty ok (I think?) on 9/11 for a while now, and I didn't even think about it when I booked the shift. 

I was not ok.

As I got closer to the hotline I got more and more not-ok.

And it really hit me when I got there.

I was very not-ok, wow I hate being like that, especially in front of others, and it really caught me off-guard.

It just hit me sideways unexpectedly, and that hasn't happened for a while now.

(It used to happen more often.)

These years I can walk by the memorial, no problem, and I used to not be able to.

I'm down there all the time, actually, and I'm fine.

So lesson learned, I need to be mindful it can still hit me after all these years.

They were really, really cool about it and sent me home.

I always try and bulldoze my way through things but I just really couldn't be in a place to hold space.

Whoa...I can't believe that happened.

I will never book anything serious on 9/11 again.

Just in case.

******

My amazing friend Grace and I talk all the time.

About everything.

We have the kind of friendship where it is safe to be an absolute hot mess.

We are both ok and also really not ok.

That's been the theme lately.

*****

I am grieving something right now, and I knew it would hit, I just didn't know when.

And I guess I was holding it off for a bit but then it was time and now here it is and it just sucks and it's hard. This whole year has been terrible, even though all my good important life structures are stable and in place properly. Externally I'm ok, doing well, things are good. And internally I'm a hot mess, from so many things that have hit this year.

It's such a strange thing because of context.

The kind of thing where it's easy to say just get over it, it shouldn't warrant too much intensity.

And that's not wrong. It really isn't.

On the other hand, if I look at my specific personal context, it makes sense.

It makes all the sense in the world. 

I understand it and I understand WHY.

So I am giving myself time and space and compassion.

I just have to go through it and hope it runs its course sooner rather than later.

I am a little wary because it has made an internal mark, a reinforcement that I do not welcome but there's nothing I can do about that.

Sometimes things just hit like a ton of bricks whether you want it to or not and there's nothing you can do but deal with it in hopefully a healthy way.

******

I have dropped weight this year. 

About 23 lbs. It took about 5 months, which is a healthy rate.

It started out with bad mental health.

I can get in a place where I lose my appetite, the opposite of eating your feelings.

So I thought, well at least something positive is coming out of feeling so shitty.....

...because I kind of needed to lose some weight, though I was never really overweight.

Just a little higher than I wanted to be- a combination of general life through the years, 2019 cataract surgery, then covid lockdown, and some bad coping after that.

I have lost more than I thought, which is ok, and once it started it has been steadily and easily melting off. Like my system is in release mode.

And I am still at a healthy weight for my height. I am where I should be, and where I was in my early 20s. And symbolically, I feel like I have released- at least physically- the weight of the last 25 years.

Emotionally is a different story....

But I shouldn't lose any more and I'm finding that maintaining and not losing is now a challenge because my body seems to have recalibrated to a new (and healthier) point, my habits have shifted, and I have a much lower appetite. Plus I am very physically active, which is nothing new.

Also in all honesty I really do feel much better and more comfortable in and about my body now.

However, I am experiencing an unintended side effect: people thinking it's ok to comment directly about my weight.

It is never ok to initiate comments
on someone's weight.

It is ALWAYS extremely impolite.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you want to tell someone they look good, do that. 

That's always good and appropriate and appreciated.

But don't make a direct comment about weight.

So now I'm navigating the challenge of letting people know they are being impolite-- because it's somehow ok for people to be inappropriate but if you let them know that, you're the asshole.

I am very conflict-avoidant with people I know and like (not so much strangers, I'll dish it out to them) so it's been very awkward.

It's also very annoying, like it's a spotlight saying that's what is most important to people. 

My damn weight.

WTF.

*****

Grace sent me this yesterday, and I really need to sit with it.

I'm not one for over-exerting effort and striving, but there is something here I need to explore.

Huh. That's certainly a different mindset than what I have been feeling and experiencing.....

*******

OH AND ALSO.... OF COUSE....

my cycle showed up first thing this morning, three days early.

Because of course it did.

It's just all too much at the same time.

Today I need to lay low and be easy, and I'll probably feel much better tomorrow.

9/11, 24 years later

I went for an early paddle this morning since I couldn't go yesterday, and I like an early paddle at least once a week.

Daya texted this morning asking again about my experience of being in 9/11.

I have written about it before here,  and also here,  and here too, so I'm not going to do it again.

I painted it here.

The World Trade Center 2.0.

The Liminal Juilliard 4th Floor Experience

Daya needs a small grocery supplement to the Juilliard meal plan, due to (good) changes in her habits and (not-as-good) changes in the dining hall.

So I went to Costco for tuna and protein bars and headed over to deliver everything tonight.

I also stopped by H Mart and got her favorite kimchi.

So she should be set for a while, til October maybe.

She was in rehearsal until 9:15 so I waited in the lobby.

Juilliard is a very special place and I contemplated the miracle of her being there.

It's quite amazing.

I don't understand how we managed to get her into Juilliard, but for my own life some things that should seem.... well, a hell of a lot easier than getting into Juilliard... fall flat. 

I need some miracles in my own life, too........

She appeared after rehearsal.

Dance is on the third floor, so we went there.

She keeps things in the dance lockers.

This is making a lot more sense now than it did at the end of last year, when she stored all her dorm stuff in the dance lockers. I was wondering how that worked.

The (very large) dance lockers are in a (very nice) locker room/backstage area dedicated to dance.

There are a lot of them, they aren't assigned, and if there is a lock on them no one bothers with it.

No one cares.

She got a few locks and claimed lockers.

They have been her summer dorm storage and now I guess one is her food pantry.

Daya is scrappy like that; it's quite brilliant.

I would do the same thing.

******

After stashing her non-perishables in dance lockers, she said I needed the "liminal 4th floor experience".

I have already been everywhere on all the Juilliard floors a few times, but it's always cool being there so I was glad to get lost on the 4th floor.

And we did.

The 4th floor is drama and many, many practice rooms.  It's a square-ish shape, but also a maze, and everyone is in the practice rooms.  They can't hear each other (I don't think) but anyone in the hallway can hear everyone all at once. It's a bit surreal.

It's like this weird video game except you're lost for real instead of virtually.

Complete with a weird soundtrack!

And it really does sound weird!

I should have taken pics of the 4th floor but I did not.

Photography is not permitted inside Juilliard, but I could have still done it I guess.

Also we were too busy getting lost.

Eventually we found the elevators and escaped.

I'm glad she's doing well, and I'm glad she's now well-stocked on good protein.

Adventures in Weird Limited Palettes

Bitter Marsh 1

9x12 oil

PW 1 / PY 43 / PR 102 / PG 19 / Pbk 3

Red and Green and PG 19

I have a couple new reds so I started a new color chart to test them out.

I also discovered I don't have a pyrrol red, which was discovered by accident.

Do I need one?

I ran the afternoon shift at the boathouse today, and on the way over I stopped at Blick to get that Old Holland PG 19.

I knew I had one in Blick/Sennelier, but it turns out I have a Gamblin too!

The Gamblin is noticeably darker and duller.  It tints to a lovely green-grey.

The Old Holland and the Blick/Sennelier match color-wise, but the pigment load in the Old Holland is much higher.

The tube is HEAVY.

This is to be expected since it is Old Holland.

The main reason I got my OH PG 19 before the boathouse was so I could show Kedrin, because she has the same appreciation for paint that I do. She gets it, she understands.

It's nice to have a friend like that.

We had good clouds today.

Brooklyn Botanic Rain

Today was a great day to go to Brooklyn and paint, except for thunderstorms which were supposed to start at 7.

If you go out painting and mention it to people and there are tstorms coming, they will likely let you know about the weather- before and during your painting.  

Like I don't know how to check the weather......

Why doesn't anyone think I know how to check the weather?

Anyhow I went to Brooklyn Botanic and I'm glad I did.

Today I had 2 paintings in me but the tstorms started a bit after 3pm and I had just finished one painting.

Oh well, one is better than none!

This was a VERY quick painting because I did check the weather again when I started and i knew the storms were coming early.  I got the painting done in just under an hour.

8x10 oil

Using a huge brush for the block-in saves a ton of time.

Did I get wet?

Yes.

Do I care?

No.

Here is another pic of the painting, it's a little washed out. Not sure if this one is better or not, the actual painting is somewhere in between.

Photographing paintings can be more difficult than actually painting them.

Morning Paddle & Lead White & My Ongoing Turquoise Problem

I went for an early morning paddle before work.

It's so deeply peaceful to be on the water early... it's worth waking up for it.

After paddling, I walked to the office.

The World Trade Center looked good this morning.

********

After work I walked up to Soho Art Supply because I wanted a tube of Rublev's lead white.

Soho Art is one of the few independent art stores left--- there used to be a bunch of them, they are all gone-- and they carry Rublev in-store.

This tube of Old Holland caught my attention.

It is a PG 19.... which I think I have in another brand, I just don't recall it being this pretty!

Soho's prices are a little bit higher than anything online or in-store at Blick.

So I didn't get the OH today, because I dropped enough money on the lead white and an aluminum panel:

This tube is HEAVY AF, it's amazing!

I will think about that OH tube of PG19 though, and I have to look at the one I have at home.