Goodbye Desk

We have to move floors.
I am going from 15 to...... 3.
To a much smaller desk... still by the window but the view stinks.

I have been on the 15th floor for 10 years.
This desk has been my desk twice, and this is where I sat when Daya was in preschool.
Then I moved for a few years to another awesome desk and came back to this same spot.

Change.
This or something better, as my yoga teacher says.
(My new desk is definitely NOT better but I am determined to be positive about the whole thing.)

Goodbye, view! :( 

I will REALLY miss you.

The whole video studio is being dismantled and moved, too.
Here is the camera, moved aside to clear out other stuff.

*********
My team is one of the last to move off the floor.
So it's empty.
Eerily empty.

I'm always the first one in, and the only one on the floor.

I find myself in the most bizarre circumstance of working in a huge tower on a huge floor in the center of the world and I'm all alone.  It's empty because no one else sits here- which is a very different feeling than being alone in the office on a quiet day but others still sit there and will come back.

No one is coming back to 15.

This is a really, really weird experience.
How do I find myself in these situations?

Gouache and Carey

It's good to have a friend who is more than happy to talk about all the finer details of things no one else cares about.  Like gouache, for example, and portable sketching.

Carey and I have such good momentum together; we inspire each other.
And we both painted yesterday... she painted in the afternoon, then later I painted at dance, and she painted again with me at dance from her studio.  And I am happy Carey painted because her work is just so. good.  and it is lovely to see.  So it was lovely to be painting with Carey, and I LOVE the energy of painting in the dance studio.  It is a late class and no one is there but me.  The energy is so good... everyone is working and doing their thing, and there is nice music and it really is a wonderful atmosphere.  I don't know why I only started just now.  I'm so slow it is baffling.

Literally every single thing in my cigar box gouache kit has been sitting  collecting (pastel) dust in my studio for YEARS.  I wish it didn't take me so long to come to combinations that work.

*****
I am enjoying these gouache studies because they are making me handle situations I don't normally.
And practice in one area naturally flows to another.

So, for example when I had all my values blocked in, the girl who cleans the studio in the evenings shut off all the lights in the private lesson room.  Which is what I was painting.

Now, honestly, I could have asked her to leave them on, or I could have just turned them on again myself.  But I didn't.  Mostly because it didn't matter all that much to me. This is why we have visual memory.  I had been looking at it long enough, and I had enough blocked in that I could go with it. Besides, when I am out plein airing, my entire light structure changes constantly and despite several attempts at asking nicely, the sun does not listen to me and the clouds do not stay still.

Compared to plein air, sitting indoors painting is luxury! It is much easier. There is a restroom, temperature control, NO WIND, no bugs, etc.  Though I really miss plein airing and can't wait to get out again.

Gouache and Competition

Competition was all day Saturday, and it was a good time.
Daya competed 4 dances and was fabulous.

I brought my cigar box and painted.
It was constantly interrupted waiting, but I didn't mind. It gave my layers time to dry!
There was so much visual chaos, and resolving it was a challenge.

Message

I saw this while walking down the stairs at the 34th St subway.
There is something about it that I like.... the good message in the contrast of the environment.

Dance Blathering

A post in which I blather on yet more about boring dance stuff but there are pictures and a video this time.

1. Ailey refunded us.  They are very nice and I want Daya to go back next year.

2. SAI.  Summer Arts Institute.  NYC DOE offers a REALLY GREAT 5 week summer intensive for the arts, including dance... it's like a gifted program for the arts.  Actually it's kind of like the Governor's Honors program I attended one summer when I was in high school for art. 4 kids from the studio went last year and loved it.

It is free.
5 weeks of all-day dance wonderfulness FOR FREE.
It isn't for beginners, it is for students who are accomplished in their art form.
We already submitted the application and the audition is end of next month.
Also, it is FREE.

3. Steps.  I refuse to pay for 2 3-week sessions of Steps because it is stupid-expensive but one session is ok, I guess, if Daya doesn't go to SAI.  Audition is in a couple of weeks.

4.  Ballet Acedemy East:  It would be AWESOME if Daya got into SAI and BAE because... she can do BOTH.  The schedules don't overlap.  So that's 7 weeks of summer dance taken care of, she just has to get into both programs.

5. We couldn't audition for SAB again this year even though I paid for an audition because it was on the Philly weekend.  That would have been nice but she can audition for that again next year too.

As part of the audition process for a few of these programs, we have to submit pictures.
Here they are!

ALSO AND THIS IS IMPORTANT  this past Tuesday right before Jazz I was in the studio with Daya and she tried to teach me how to do some kind of turn, which I did... and she said, "Actually that was pretty good!"

I did a good spinny-turn!! I will brag about this forever.

Gouache and Stupid

Gouache
I'm still painting the dance studio in my sketchbook.  Here are 2 more, one from last night and one from Monday.  They are each about an hour.  I'm learning and seeing what works and what doesn't.

My Mirror Selfie!

Stupid
So I mentioned I wrote Ailey to ask about the audition and i registered Daya anyhow.
Well a few days later- on Saturday at the portrait party, actually, they emailed me back... and said no!

I didn't tell Daya.

Daya still doesn't know.

But I'm pretty upset, because nowhere on their website does it say you can't do 2 auditions, and I was allowed- under the same login- to register AND PAY for the second audition.  (These things are not free.)

I asked Ms Victoria what to do.  She said we probably shouldn't do the audition, but she took the effort to write a note for me to copy and paste, asking about a refund or credit for the non-refundable audition fee that in a separate email they are saying I'm not allowed to do even though their website seems to think it is ok. And- there is nothing saying you can't....

I'm waiting to hear back.  Again.
I'm upset because I shouldn't be allowed to pay for something they are telling me I'm not allowed to do.  I do still think emailing them was the right thing to do since Daya is in their system as already auditioning this year and it might look pretty obnoxious to just have her show up again with no context.  But it doesn't matter, what's done is done.  I left a voicemail yesterday.

I hate being upset and having to wait.  It's very stupid that they wouldn't just let her audition again, what harm does it do?  Sheesh.

Portrait Party

Today was the Urban Sketchers NYC portrait Party!

It was very fun.  The group overall is extremely friendly, and I would like to hang out with them more.  The party was fun.  My drawings aren't great, but I had a great time, I learned some new things, and it was wonderful practice. There was some really fantastic work, and I loved seeing how people approached each 10 minute portrait.

One of the participants wrote a wonderful article about his experience.
It is definitely worth a read.

My drawings are the second row.  I'm not posting close-ups!

My group with our portrait grid

It is February!

This sums it all up.

Gouache and God

Gouache
I need to sketch more, and paint more from life. While I am very portable in oil and pastel,  the tiniest and most portable setup is a watercolor/gouache setup. A few years ago Sid sent me a cigar box that was adjusted into the same oils setup Abby Ryan uses.  It is not a true pochade setup, it is more for tabletop painting or holding in your lap.  The box is little, 5x7.  But I thought- even though I'm not really into watercolors and gouache- they are great for sketchbook practice.  So I stuck a few brushes in, plus some gouache and my travel watercolor set (which fits perfectly) and gave it a test run last night.

I'm happy with the results and it was fun to do.  45 mins.

God

Life messed with me so badly I actually cried a little this morning.

Ailey.

Competition.

I just got the schedule this morning after I got to work.

As it turns out, the Won't- Happen Act of God happened... and all 4 of Daya's competition dances are on Sat Feb 9.

Which means she has nothing going on Sun Feb 10.

Which is the day of the NYC Ailey audition.

All that Philly/sprained ankle stuff...............

I promised Daya that if the Act of God happened (which I assured her it would not), I would ask Ailey if she can re-audition.

I hope they say yes.  I don't know if I should have just signed her up, or if emailing was the right thing to do since she is on their paperwork already for this year.

But I'm really glad I got to see Carey in Philly and go to prison together.

Which reminds me I should post my sketch of cell block 2.

UPDATE: Ms Victoria texted me saying since Daya is free on Feb 10 is it too late to register her for the audition.... so I didn't wait to hear from Ailey, I just did it.  If Ms Victoria thinks it is fine, that's good enough for me.

Train Conversation

Daya and I were on the train.
She was doing homework.  Writing.  An essay. Long.  Very nice and neat.

She: I'm done! I wrote a lot, much more than I had to. But I had a lot of thoughts to write about.
Me: (thinking it was on a book or something) What were you thinking about?
She: Cardiovascular disease.
Me: ...... I was not expecting that.

Long Monday Rambling

This week will see the end of January.
Thank goodness.

I know it's not good to rush time, life is short, but this time is really like wading through mucky mud.  Cold mucky mud.

I'm making a massive effort to keep moving.  For me and Daya. It is exhausting.

I hate not having people.  So maybe I have mentioned I'm making serious efforts to find people, which is slow-going.  And logistics are hard.  For example I'm free Monday nights now, and there are a few events I could go to but they start later- like around 7pm.  So while I can do that, it gets me home very late and I still need to be present for Daya.  I can't really get home after 10pm on a school night.

So I'll just keep looking.

There are a few people I have met over the past few months that have wanted to go plein airing together.  I'm absolutely up for that.  But I never hear from anyone.  I did meet a lady in the painting class who wanted my info, so maybe that will work out.  It would be nice.

Finding friends takes a lot more than just meeting someone and having similar interests.  There has to be life overlap, and if it is unplanned the better.  That's why it was so easy to have friends when Daya was in elementary school.

My people-problem isn't unique at all but solving it takes seriously massive effort, some of which I can't do because of needing to be present for Daya.  It isn't her fault, it is just the circumstance.

Because I am alone too much I think too much and get stuck inside my own head, which is awful.
I really believe my whole life would have been different if I had had One Good Adult when I was coming into adulthood.  And looking back there are things I should have done differently, but I can't blame myself as I didn't have the skills to do it.  Maybe I should have had roommates instead of insisting on living alone.  I didn't have connections when I was in the environments set up to do that.  I wanted to, but didn't know how. I was too withdrawn.  I was too.... a lot of things.

******
I think when a person is alone too much as a child, for whatever reason- and even if you don't like it- it becomes all you know how to do.  That was the problem with Rob, he couldn't transition from being alone, and he developed too strong a  preference for it. Even though it hurt him.

My situation is a bit different from his because even though I was also abnormally alone from a very young age, I have a child.  So my life isn't just about me, and that's a good thing. I'm glad for it.

I guess I have to just keep trying and see what happens.

Hall of Science

The NY Hall of Science is free from 10-11 on Sundays, so we went.
I don't want us just sitting around at home doing nothing all day.
We haven't been for several years, and I thought it might be fun for Daya and nice to get out.

I used to take her a lot when she was in pre-school, and in her elementary school years.  She had a school trip there once and I think I went on it with her.  She remembers the preschool room with the play grocery store and the puppet shows.  We couldn't go in because she's way too big, but she remembers it.  And she has a few spots she wanted to visit again as well.

The sports area, which was really why I took her- is closed. Bummer.

We were only there for a little over an hour, but it was fun.

We used to do these kinds of things with friends, and I really miss that.

ASL Painting

My 4 week class at Art Students League ended, it was a wonderful experience.
While I have of course been painting, and plein airing, and sometimes I go to figure drawing, I haven't done a longer, larger painting from the model since college.

I did a nude years ago with Nancy, we purchased a photo ref, but it's just not the same as working from the model.  I love figure work, but if I can't work from life I won't do it.

There is a lot to be said about being in the environment with others, too.  I LOVE seeing how everyone handles the same setup.  Everyone's paintings were very different.  We did critique a few times as well.  That, and seeing how everyone else handles the setup are massive learning experiences in themselves.  The instructor (Simon) came around and he had some really valuable suggestions for me.

This class is always running, and I'll go back, but I can't go in Feb due to schedule conflicts.

Painting progression:

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4
This painting didn't photograph well.  I think my skintones look much better than in the photograph.
There are a lot of subtle variations in the values, which I really worked mindfully to do, but they aren't showing up at all.

The painting is drying at ASL right now, maybe when I pick it up and it is dry I'll try re-photographing it under better lighting.

In any case, I really think of this as just practice.
And I need a LOT of practice!!

And our group photo.

Sketchy

Because I don't paint often enough, and I don't draw enough, I'm making a concerted effort to actually use the sketchbook that I carry with me everywhere.

(I really do just about always have my sketchbook with me.....using it is another thing.)

So here is a sketch from last night while waiting for Daya to finish her jazz class.
I have done several lately, but I like this one.

For all the years I have been arting, and all the sketchbooks I have used through the years, none of them are gorgeous sketchbooks like these.

I don't really feel like I have a professional body of work.
Yeah I know I have been really slowed down by life circumstance, but if I want to be really good I have to work a lot harder.

I'm just so tired from everything. :(
Things will loosen up in the fall, hopefully.

Post-Ailey

I'm not upset about Ailey anymore.  It took a couple of days.  Daya is still a little upset I think, but she's doing ok.  I'm helping her steer out of it.

There are three other (really great) programs she will be applying to.

The truth is that this year Ailey was a losing circumstance right from the start.
We tried to fight it, but thinking about it more and more, there were too many things saying no.

*We couldn't make the NYC audition, due to competition which is super-early this year
*Sprained ankle
*No dancing for 2 1/2 weeks before the audition... she was rusty
*Waking up at 4am and travelling to audition
*Schedule conflict with school.  Daya was really stressing over this one, too.  Ailey only allows one absence for the entire program.  I don't know why, since they are here in NYC, but their summer intensive starts the last week public school is in session.  Missing school last year didn't matter, but this year it does.  In those last three days of school, Daya has Regents exams AND her 8th grade class trip. So she would have had to skip exams or her senior trip, which she wants to go on.

The other thing about it is to look at why she didn't get in.
While she did her best with the circumstance, she wasn't dancing at 100%.

If she hadn't gotten in while dancing at her full capability in the NYC audition, then yes, we would have to say she didn't make the cut due to a deficiency on her end, and look at what happened.  But that isn't the case here, and that's an important distinction.

I have to go through this with Daya because this experience will hopefully teach her how to process things.  This is just life sometimes. Sometimes it is about circumstance more than anything else.  Daya is still at the age of black-and-white thinking.  She takes everything so hard.  The rejection stings, especially because she was there last year, she felt cared for, and she excelled.

*******
Daya's ballet teacher, Ms Robyn, also teaches at Steps.
She has seen potential in Daya and has been giving her private lessons FOR FREE once a week.

This is amazing, one of those almost unheard-of opportunities.
And you have to be really good, super-professional to teach at Steps.

(We absolutely love Ms Robyn.  She's literally the epitome of a dazzling fairy-ballet-princess.  And she's just as wonderful and sweet as she looks.  I think she has invisible sparkles around her.)

These are the things I'm telling Daya right now, to keep her from getting stuck.  Besides, she can go back to Ailey next summer.  It's not like the door is closed forever.