State-of-the-Art Home Security

Carey sent me the most wonderful present ever. Because she is a good friend, she was concerned for my home security. Specifically, Zombie Invasions.

So she sent me my very own peashooter!!!!!!!!

This is how big he is in relation to Furball.

I love my pea shooter MADLY.

He is too big to fit on top of the bookcase next to Bastet, in direct line to the front door, so I had to put him on top of the rats.  This is still an excellent strategic position.

The Zombies must have intercepted my box, because there was a note on the base of the peashooter.

I have received notes like this from the Zombies before, so I was not fooled and I did plant my peashooter!

Sure, not the Zombies.

Now we are safe from zombie attacks forever!

Thank you Carey!

Mad ACEO: The Moon

Raise your eyes to a moonless sky

and try to wish upon a rising star

Search all you want for her blessing

but you won't find her sparkling there

Now cast your eyes to a part of the sky

where nothing but darkness unfolds

and watch as all around you

she reveals the brilliance of secrets untold

-Cowboy Junkies

Our theme this week was The Moon.
What a great theme. So much can be done with the moon.

All my cards are various sorts of pastel on Bristol, some colorfix primed, some clear gesso primed.

Moonscape 1
Unisons

Moonscape 2
panpastels, unisons, rembrandts

Waxing
panpastels on colorfix

Waning
panpastels on colorfix

The Moon
(based on Rider-Waite tarot)
pastel pencils on colorfix

The panpastel cards are very shimmery and sparkly...the effects are a little easier to see here.

Here are Carey's!

Cactus Monday: Last Century Edition

When I was in high school, I did a lot of art. My high school also had a video production studio, and I was pretty involved with that, too. This was back in the days of VHS. We produced a video annual.  I co-hosted it. Someone converted it to digital and put it on youtube and I'm absolutely NOT sharing the link here!

What does this have to do with Cactus Monday?  Well, here is an image of me, in high school, drawing a cactus from life. It was probably for AP Art class- one year my concentration was Cacti. (I took AP art for 2 years)

I still have that pencil tin!  And probably several of the pencils. And that Shakespeare book, too.

Take Your Turn

Several years ago, when Daya was very little, I took singing lessons.  It was one of those things that I *had* to do before I die.

Actually I am a very musical person.  I come from musicians. I played piano through my entire childhood.  I sang in chorus. Once, in 8th grade, the chorus teacher- while yelling at the entire class- singled me out for having one of the best musical ears she ever encountered.  I was really embarrassed at the time but I still recognized it for the compliment it was.

I always wanted to sing.  Although I do not have a magical voice, I can carry a tune and I have "tons and tons of range"* but I am a painter at my core.  Now, I no longer need to sing. Those issues have been resolved.

But singing used to be important to me.  For many reasons, and I know what those reasons are.  Now, I am much happier as a painter and I do not need to sing.

But I had to get Voice out of my system. So I took voice lessons for a while from a singer named Breck Alan.

When discussing self-consciousnesses, Breck's answer to people was "Take your turn".
This is truly excellent advice. And Breck was an excellent teacher.

"Take Your Turn" has stayed with me through the years.

Breck Alan

I think about this a lot.  Take your turn.
Last year I put this into practical application, but it didn't work out.

It truly wasn't any fault of mine.

Sometimes I still grieve it.
I shouldn't, but I do.

*Breck Alan

Box Challenges

Pebbles has been happy to get a chance to be in the box. She tries to lay on her back, but it is a challenge. Can you find the kitty nose?

Old & New

The first set of real-deal nice soft pastels I ever got was when I was in college. A teacher had recommended Rembrandts, so that's what I got.

Here is my set of 60 Rembrandt half-sticks from last century, complete with original insert.

Last weekend I had a 40% off coupon at Blick.
I have a lot of pastels (no such thing as too many!) but most of them are really soft, like Senns and Unisons. Those are great for upper layers of a painting, but sometimes a harder soft pastel is nice for underlayers.  Rembrandts are harder soft pastels.

I got this new portrait selection set at 40% off, so now I have Rembrandts from this century!

Cat, Cubed

Dru sent Daya a really amazing birthday present.
It arrived in a box, as do many packages.
It is perfectly cat-sized.

Isis is addicted to the Box, and has taken mostly-sole ownership of it.
Pebbles occasionally gets to sit in the box.
Furball has never gotten a chance to sit in the box but she seems ok with that.

When Isis is in the box she is a cube-cat.
She does not mind where the box is, as long as she is in it. Daya and I have been having fun sliding the cat-filled box around. Isis does not mind going for a ride.

France, etc.

Bring me thunder, bring me steel, bring me coat of iron mail 

Bring me diamond-hardened will and let my courage never fail 

Bring the Lightning to my sword; flashing, living in my hand 

And bring warning to the horde that here, the Battle Raven stands  

I will sing to bring the thunder crashing down from out the sky 

And I'll sing to light the souls of all the warriors soon to die 

And I will sing in battle, bloody songs of power and pain 

And I will sing tonight for War to never come again

                                                                     -Battle Raven, Catt Kingsgrave


Current events generally don't appear on my blog.  But here are my short thoughts on France and the deeply sad recent events there.

I am a New Yorker. I have lived more than half my life in NYC.  It is my home and as much as it is love-hate, I love my city. I also love Paris. And I understand what they are going through because I also lived through it.

I watched that second tower fall with my own two eyes. Not on tv, not even through glass. Just a straight unobstructed close-up view in real-time. I was directly across the Hudson. I had just been in there less than an hour and a half earlier.

It roared.
It stank.
It only took seconds.

******
NYC today is very different from pre- 9/11. Yes, in many ways we recovered. Yes, people were really nice to each other for a while. Even to this day, strangers waiting for something will tell each other their stories about that morning.

But there is a new culture of mass fear.  We have announcements on the subway constantly.  There are police checkpoints in the subways. You can't take a glass water bottle anywhere.  Going to the Statue of Liberty is a more intense security process than going to the airport. I don't mind complying because that's just what you have to do, although I no longer carry a knife on me, as I did for many years.

Anyhow, I guess what I want to say is I truly understand what it is like to go through something like this, and what I also want to say is that living in fear and hate is never the answer. And I hope that doesn't happen to Paris.

The prospect of war is deeply disturbing to me.  But war is nothing new to the history of humanity. I can only hope it doesn't happen.

As always, I refuse to participate in collective hate and fear.

It is not apathy- I do, in fact, care very deeply. It is just that I choose peace with my energetic choices. So I am standing quietly in the peace corner, consciously projecting it, and that is my energetic contribution. Yes, that certainly IS a contribution. From a position of empathy and total understanding, it becomes all the more powerful.

More hate and fear is never the answer.

Carey said this:

If you think that terrorists can be stopped 

by appealing to their humanity, 

you're a little crazy.

-Carey

And I agree to an extent. You cannot, for example, fight off hornets with the scent of lavender. You must burn the nest. One can agree and still cultivate/maintain peaceful energy without not falling into fear and hate. It is a powerful thing to have compassion for someone who is actively causing harm.

But violence plus violence never equals peace. It cannot.

There are no "good guys" and "bad guys". On the high-level government view, none are innocent no matter what ideologies they have sold to the masses to justify anything.

If it comes down to it, and someone is trying to hurt me or someone needing protection, I'm going to invoke a Warrior Goddess and do my damnedest to take that threat out.  But until that moment comes- and I pray it never comes- I'm not going to live in fear of it. I am not going to hate anyone. I will practice loving them.

I wrote more about this several years ago.
Another post here.

Mad ACEO: Narrative

This week Carey and I did a 5 part narrative for our ACEO theme. The task was to tell a little story with no words.

Mine are all acrylic on Strathmore textured paper and black Artagain paper.
I usedsome iridescent paint which never scans or photos properly.
2.5 x 3.5"

Salsify Journey
based on a true story

Carey's mad ACEOs are here!

10

Today Daya turns 10 years old.
Ten years.
An entire decade.
I have been doing this for an entire decade.

Daya is great. She is doing well, growing up nicely. Healthy.  She is ok. She has a peaceful, stable life.  For all the imperfections, it could be so much worse.

When I was pregnant my stupid ex told me that "the baby will be suicidal by the time she is 10 years old and it will be your fault."  Yes he actually said that. As absurd as it is, these things stick, like diseased ticks. But it isn't true.  I'm here, she is here, and it isn't true.

Daya is well and happy for the most part, and clever, she works hard and loves dance, learning, the cats, and me.

Daya wanted to go on a little shopping spree instead of having a party, which was great with me. She got a few dance things at the Capezio store, then we headed over to the American Girl shop.  She spent her money well and she is very pleased.  Tonight we will go for sushi.

Dru sent her a WONDERFUL and very sparkly dance bag!

It's so sparkly!

Fouettee

Daya is working on her fouettes in Jumps and Turns class.

This is So Great

The Official Portraits

There was no school Wednesday.  I went to work and left Daya home.
It is a wonderful thing to be able to do.

I told her she could sit at my drawing table.
I told her she could use some of my stuff.
I told her to do official portraits of the cats.

So she did.
All are 6x8 Inktense blocks on watercolor paper

Thoughts with No Title

Last night I went to sleep too early and I'm up too early/too late and I can't get back to sleep.  So I checked my email and saw Carey's response to Laurel.

Jessica is absolutely right--God *does* give us more than we handle. All the time. We are not meant to handle it. He is.

I never did ask Carey what she meant by the statements in her comments, because I had a feeling I already knew what she meant, and as it turns out I was correct.

Believe it or not there are many things I don't write on my blog.  I have a great deal of sacred space that is just between me and god, whatever and however you want to call it. (it = god) There are many things that transcend verbal language, and things that don't need to be and really shouldn't be shared with other people.

No one else can evaluate or judge whether or not I have surrendered, let go, gone with the flow, etc. That is between me and god, and if I have a very serious bone to pick with god, that has nothing to do with surrendering or having an attitude of a catering vending-machine god. This blog is not my whole picture. I do have very specific reasons why I feel betrayed by divine trust. And it isn't something I am going to state on my blog.  It does not make me "wrong" or spiritually lacking, or missing anything, or lacking in gratitude, and it doesn't mean I am deceived by anything.

Besides, "surrender" is not a one-time deal. I do not believe in life being a judgement or test, though we certainly go through learning trials. I'm not going to go into religions, because they are irrelevant to me.

It is one thing to be cloistered, as I have been for many lifetimes, and quite another to be out in society living a mystical life. I am absolutely supposed to be here in NYC; it is not arbitrary or random. The rest of this is between me and god.

In any case, I think Tori Amos has really said it better than I ever could.

God sometimes you just don't come through

                                           -Tori Amos

Mad ACEO: Mountains

Carey chose mountains as our ACEO theme this week.

Here are my mountains.
They are all 2.5 x 3.5"
acrylic black lava medium
and pastel
on colorfix primed bristol.

Inside

Actual Molehill

Snowy

Purple Mist

Spindle Mountains

Carey's mountains are here!

So

Throughout my whole life I have been a very spiritually-oriented person.

Not religious.  In general, I am not a fan of any organized religions or "tribes", as they divide people into "us" and "them". I have no desire or need for religion.

But I have always been very spiritual, and this is something I have explored on very deep levels in many different ways.

And at this point in my life, I am in a place where I actually feel spiritually betrayed. And betrayed is exactly the right word.

I acknowledge that I have received spiritual assistance and protection in the past. And it isn't that I have a belief of some kind of vending-machine godforce: insert prayer, request delivered. God is not a vending machine here to fulfill our requests.

But I have lost my trust.
There is a saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.
I disagree. I really do.

Yes, happiness is a choice but it is also true that there are things which are important no matter who you are.

And I have freaking done my homework and then some.
But it doesn't actually matter.

I have no answers and the guidance which has found me has proven to be wrong.

Sometimes it is difficult to put into words concepts or experiences which transcend the limitations of verbal and written communication.

I used to trust, hope, and believe despite anything and everything. And it seems that all my life events have been staged to prove me wrong, over and over and over, over too many years.

And it isn't that I don't believe in a godforce; it is that I feel betrayed by it.
This doesn't change my nature of who I am as a person, but as directly as I can say this, I don't trust God anymore.  I believe in it, I just don't trust it. Not anymore. And that sucks but that's where I am.
I do not trust divine guidance anymore.

******
I was asked the question if someone came to me asking for guidance, being in the place I am in, what would I say to them?

My answer: "There are no guarantees of anything in life, you just have to get through day to day the best you can." And then I would advise them to talk to someone else.

That is what I would do.

******
I do think positive mindsets, good advice, hope, faith, prayer, etc are good and useful for others.
But for some reason they don't work for my life.
I don't know why.
All I get are dead ends and a bunch of nothing, in the present, no matter what.

Re-Directed Storage

I have written here and here about my reluctance to de-box my oil pastels.

But I did get a box for them.

Except I ended up using it for all my different ACEO papers.  It really is perfect for that.

The oil pastels still remain in their original boxes. The open stock are in their own small box.
Maybe they will just have to stay that way.

Golden Mountains

Here are two Golden Mountains.

1. Daya made these yesterday morning. Unsupervised*.  I was not even in the kitchen. I taught her how to made pancakes ONCE a couple of weeks ago.  She did it on her own and totally nailed it. No instant anything here, she whipped up batter and knocked out this amazing perfect fluffy stack of pancakes.

*Daya is not allowed to use the stove when I am not home, but she can use it when I am home. She has perfected scrambled eggs (she even garnishes them) and now, pancakes. It's pretty cool especially Saturday mornings when I wake up at the very last minute to get her to dance on time. I ask her if she ate breakfast.  She says 'Yes I made scrambled eggs, toast with jelly, and hot chocolate."

Fluffy perfection

2. Here is a mountain of Goldens.
Golden Opens, Golden regulars, and some mediums.

Leopard Rats

Branwen came over and we took the rats trick-or-treating on Halloween.

Q-Tip is a great traveling rat- nothing fazes him, he is chill and mellow. People wanted to pet him, which is fine.  He is super friendly.

We painted Q-Tip to look like a leopard.

Munchie was a rainbow.

Daya enjoyed being a spider sorceress.

For some reason, there weren't many decorations out.  Last year all the houses seemed to be in a contest to see who could have the best yard.  Not this year.

But this was a cool decoration outside someone's house.  

Black Eye

A skinny spacey old man in a suit was pestering me on the subway last night as I was bringing Daya home from dance. He was definitely stoned on something. Not drunk. No smells. Very, very spaced out.

He was sitting several seats down and he started talking to me.  I told him flat outright "I don't want to talk to you."

He kept hitting on me, and I ignored him.
So he moved to sit right across from me and Daya.
He kept talking to me.  I ignored him.

He started talking to Daya. She was scared.

Um, NO.

He stood up and came up close to us.
A crazy mom-beast took over.
I have never gone mom-beast like that before, ever.

I stood up in front of Daya and yelled at him to go away.
He stayed.

So I punched him HARD in the eye.
I didn't even think about it, or know I was going to do it.
It just happened.
He will definitely have a black eye today.

He was in shock and kept asking over and over if I am crazy.

Yes.

...and he STILL would not go away!!!!!!!!!
We got off at the next stop, which thankfully was our stop anyhow.

**********
Now, I look very girly. I am 5 feet tall.  I like girly clothes and makeup.
And I am a very peaceful person.

But I have also had martial arts training and I know how to throw a punch, And I am not afraid.
Also, I am batshit crazy.
And I am a mom.

This is the first time in my life I have ever done anything like this.
I very sincerely hope it is the last.

I keep feeling the sensation of his eye being squishy against my knuckle.
It's rather awful.